# Too chicken to say it in person **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 18, 2008, 10:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369 "2008-11-18T22:30:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hazle_Weatherfield)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/21 "2008-11-18T23:39:47Z")
> [@supergoose](#): > > You could read it to him in person. Or do what I do, generally because I know I won’t remember everything I want to say - write a simple outline and refer to your notes while you talk when you need to. I don’t know if this will help the chicken part or being too emotional to get through it, but maybe it’s doable for that, too. See, I think this is totally acceptable and I’m glad you brought it up because no one every responded to my question about this in my other thread. So, you think it’s ok if I do this when I’m ready to confront my husband? I’m afraid that, in my nervousness and emotion, I might forget a point or two that really needs to be heard. ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 11:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/22 "2008-11-18T23:49:07Z")
> [@Hazle\_Weatherfield](#): > > See, I think this is totally acceptable and I’m glad you brought it up because no one every responded to my question about this in my other thread. So, you think it’s ok if I do this when I’m ready to confront my husband? I’m afraid that, in my nervousness and emotion, I might forget a point or two that really needs to be heard. It works for me, and my shrink okayed it. (Though hopefully other dopers will weigh in too.) ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [November 18, 2008, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/23 "2008-11-18T23:57:49Z")
If after spilling my guts (granted that it’s impersonally in writing) and he doesn’t respond… no letters/emails/phone calls back, then I will have accepted that he doesn’t reciprocate and that will be my answer. As to how long I’ll spend ruminating over this… well, I’m flying halfway across the world in two weeks for a lengthy vacation, so I am thinking if by the time I come back and there hasn’t been a peep from him… then that’s it. That’s where it ends and there will be no more wondering. The weird thing is… I was oddly confident in the beginning of this “thing” we had. I called him to see movies, have dinners, spend time together and I had no qualms about doing any of that because I was this new smart, sassy, independent person. It was only after the kiss that I realised I may have lacked the warmth to really get it across that I was interested in him as more than friends. That led to a depreciation of self esteem to the point where the awkwardness/tension between us isn’t the main deal anymore (for me, anyway). It’s more of a desire to make things clear what I’m feeling than to make things work. I’ve kind of accepted that he didn’t come chasing after me because he’s not THAT into me to do so. I just want to strike out the possibility that it’s miscommunication that led us to where we are. Is this what they call a self fulfilling prophecy? Part of me hopes that his reaction will be in the positive, but I’m not surprised if it isn’t, given the time that’s lapsed. As for a speech… I can’t see myself doing it. I hate setting myself up to look vulnerable and having the talking points planned indicates that I’ve been mulling over it again and again. Oh yes, it’s true that is what I’ve been doing… but I don’t want to let it show. (But that’s not to say it’s not effective for anyone else…) ---
**Author:** ![lobotomyboy63](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lobotomyboy63/32/2900_2.png) [@lobotomyboy63](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lobotomyboy63)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/24 "2008-11-19T00:31:37Z")
Escalate the touch. Rub shoulders with him, pat his hand, do whatever you feel comfortable with and whatever seems natural. Laugh at his jokes and lock eyes with him a bit longer than normal. Then note how he reacts, whether he touches you back, etc. Don’t expect a one for one…he may need some prodding until he’s sure what you’re communicating. When _you_ feel comfortable, go for the kiss—unless he beats you to it. ---
**Author:** ![supergoose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/aeb1de/32.png) [@supergoose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/supergoose)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/25 "2008-11-19T00:38:54Z")
I think I didn’t read closely enough and mistakenly thought there was more between you than there is. I thought you were asking for a more committed relationship with him but now it sounds like you’re more just asking for a date. In that case, not doing it in person makes you seem really timid and immature. I also kind of retract my advice about using notes - that’s a little overboard for this situation too. I’m going to side with \*\*Marley \*\*and others here. You really just need to do it casually, in person. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/26 "2008-11-19T00:55:07Z")
You can say, “Look, I’m nervous and it may seem goofy but I want to refer to my notes” and then you read him something that you wrote. Or use an outline like suggested above. It can be on the phone or in person but not, I beg, via letter or email. You need to be able to talk to the person you love. It’s important. ETA: Something SMALL. Don’t try to read Dostoevsky or anything. One line is sufficient. ---
**Author:** ![Doctor\_Who](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Doctor\_Who](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doctor_Who)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/27 "2008-11-19T01:36:24Z")
12 words. That’s all you need. 12 words. I am going to write them down. I want you to say them out loud. Right now. Read them off the computer screen. Repeat them. Memorize them. Next time you see this fella, the first thing you do is say these 12 words. FIRST THING. Don’t think. Don’t waffle. Just blurt them out: “Hey, do you want to go on a date next Friday night?” Pros: (1) instant feedback - none of this…well did he get the letter? why hasn’t he written? does he hate me? is this something? is this nothing? DON’T TORTURE YOURSELF. (2) time specific - Friday night (3) clear - the word date is used - this is important. Not dinner (“Oh I thought you meant as friends!”) It’s a date. You said it was a date. Just. Do. It. You will be much much much happier whatever he says. And he will too (especially if he likes you and he’s too shy to ask you out). ETA: And if things work out, then you can tell him all that stuff you wrote down naturally. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/28 "2008-11-19T01:44:49Z")
> [@Doctor\_Who](#): > > “Hey, do you want to go on a date next Friday night?” Perfect. ---
**Author:** ![Spice\_Weasel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/spice_weasel/32/5435_2.png) [@Spice\_Weasel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spice_Weasel)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/29 "2008-11-19T01:51:02Z")
I think any way you can manage to get it out is fine. I confessed my undying love via e-mail. And he didn’t even understand what I was saying. He replied that he couldn’t wait to see me and proceeded to launch into a litany of non-related things. When I finally called him on it, he said, ‘‘Oh, I thought that’s what you meant, but I wasn’t positive. I’m in love with you too.’’ We’re married now. I’m just saying, you can start out in writing and work your way up to speaking face to face. Nothing wrong with that. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/41988e/32.png) [@Dazzling\_White\_Diamonds](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dazzling_White_Diamonds)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/30 "2008-11-19T02:15:51Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > If after spilling my guts (granted that it’s impersonally in writing) and he doesn’t respond… no letters/emails/phone calls back, then I will have accepted that he doesn’t reciprocate and that will be my answer. Wait… maybe I missed it, but how are you going to know that he’s going to get the letter? ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/31 "2008-11-19T02:30:59Z")
Why would he not get the letter? I was going to slide it through the mail slot of his place… but even if I had done the stamp and mail thing, what are the chances it’d REALLY get lost? But if I’m doing it by email, there’s not even a chance of me breaking in through the window to retrieve if I have second thoughts… Thanks for the rare words of support, olivesmarch4th. I’m not saying that everyone else’s advice isn’t good. It is. I know I SHOULD do it in person, but there’s too much at stake. Not just mutual friends, but I’m actually becoming very good buddies with one of his siblings. I’m not worried that he’ll think I’m timid… around him, I’m anything but. But maybe that’s part of the problem because I’ve always been a cheerful happy beer drinking buddy and not a demure romantic kind of girl. It’s not that I’m shy… it’s that I have a little trouble expressing emotions appropriately. Well, it’s after work, and I haven’t sent it yet. Maybe I’ll have sucked it up by tomorrow. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/32 "2008-11-19T02:37:40Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > I’m not saying that everyone else’s advice isn’t good. It is. I know I SHOULD do it in person, but there’s too much at stake. Not just mutual friends, but I’m actually becoming very good buddies with one of his siblings. I’m not trying to pick on you, but what you’re saying doesn’t make sense to me. There’s too much at stake so it has to be by letter? How does that follow? ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/33 "2008-11-19T02:42:32Z")
> [@Doctor\_Who](#): > > Next time you see this fella, the first thing you do is say these 12 words. FIRST THING. Don’t think. Don’t waffle. Just blurt them out:. Well, hopefully not quite _blurt_, as that tends to lead to such things as “dyouwangotballwme”. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/34 "2008-11-19T02:44:32Z")
If he feels the same way… then wonderful. All will be dandy. If he doesn’t feel the same way… he can either ignore the letter (which would be something that he would do, if he is the guy I think he is) or he can actually send something back saying thanks but no thanks. Either way he does it, it would be less awkward next time we see each other in person. If it’s the former, I can pretend he never saw it, he can pretend he never got it. If he does the latter, I would have gotten my answer and that’s my cue stay away until sufficient time has passed that it’s not a big deal. Less awkwardness for everyone who knows us. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/35 "2008-11-19T02:50:27Z")
> [@Grapefruit](#): > > If he feels the same way… then wonderful. All will be dandy. > > If he doesn’t feel the same way… he can either ignore the letter (which would be something that he would do, if he is the guy I think he is) or he can actually send something back saying thanks but no thanks. Either way he does it, it would be less awkward next time we see each other in person. If it’s the former, I can pretend he never saw it, he can pretend he never got it. If he does the latter, I would have gotten my answer and that’s my cue stay away until sufficient time has passed that it’s not a big deal. Less awkwardness for everyone who knows us. I have a feeling we’re shouting over a generation gap, here, so I’ll just say good luck with whichever method you choose. ---
**Author:** ![Grapefruit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/73ab20/32.png) [@Grapefruit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grapefruit)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/36 "2008-11-19T02:51:53Z")
Eh, I think it’s a gap between chickens and non-chickens… but thanks. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AuntiePam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/f19dbf/32.png) [@AuntiePam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AuntiePam)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/37 "2008-11-19T02:55:41Z")
It might be less awkward for you, but how about him? If he ignores your letter, won’t he wonder if your feelings are hurt, or if you’re upset? The letter puts him in a spot that might make **him** uncomfortable. Just MHO. This sounds a lot like the “Do you like me, yes or no” notes that we sent around in junior high. And all because you didn’t stick your tongue in his mouth? I must be getting old. I do wish you luck, whatever you decide to do. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Jragon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e19b73/32.png) [@Jragon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jragon)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 2:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/38 "2008-11-19T02:55:41Z")
> [@lobotomyboy63](#): > > Laugh at his jokes I never understood this, how is feigning interest in humour you dislike any better than writing a note and leaving it? If a _sincere_ note is timid and immature _feigning_ interest in a joke because “he might get offended if I don’t like it” is even more timid and self doubting. If something isn’t funny… well, wouldn’t it be better to just say “try harder” or “I’m not into that kind of humour, really” (maybe in a nicer way) than sitting through 5 years of marriage getting bombarded with it in the car every time you go out and driving off a bridge to end it? I mean, it’s not like the relationship is going to fail just because you don’t share enjoyment for dead baby jokes, if you don’t want to hear them it may be best to speak up now than lead them to believe you like them and have to hear them ALL THE TIME. Unless it’s shorthand for “laugh harder than usual at stuff you like.” In which case I retract. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/39 "2008-11-19T03:22:13Z")
OK, so you want to transfer all your awkward feelings onto him. So after you drop that letter off now HE’s got to deal with this bombshell. Yeah, that sounds fair. If any woman were to do this to me even if I was intrested; I’d definately be turned off by the letter. It would remind me too much of dating a grade schooler. YMMV. ---
**Author:** ![Captain\_Carrot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f0a364/32.png) [@Captain\_Carrot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Captain_Carrot)\ **Post date:** [November 19, 2008, 3:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369/40 "2008-11-19T03:23:27Z")
> [@Jragon](#): > > Unless it’s shorthand for “laugh harder than usual at stuff you like.” In which case I retract. Yeah, I think the idea is “laugh at what he says that is intended to be funny, even if he didn’t tell it well.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/too-chicken-to-say-it-in-person/473369.md?page=3)