# Top 5 Regrets of the Dying - Will they be yours? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699 "2014-04-09T05:41:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/1 "2014-04-09T05:41:53Z")
A palliative nurse wrote a book called [“The Top Five Regrets of the Dying”](http://www.amazon.co.uk/The-Top-Five-Regrets-Dying/dp/1848509995/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1367096226&sr=8-1&keywords=top+regrets+of+the+dying) after years of sharing the final days of so many people. Here’s the question: how many do you think you might end up having, assuming you don’t do anything very differently between now and your end? (I’m crazy lucky to honestly say that I am not now, nor have I ever been in any danger of experiencing any of these issues. I seem to have come into this world hardwired with the right sorts of personality traits to make that so. Of course that makes me wonder what regrets I _will_ have… but it’s my daily job to do my best to make sure the answer will be “none”.) Here they are: > [@](#): > > \*\*1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. > \*\* > “This was the most common regret of all. When people realize that their life is almost over and look back clearly on it, it is easy to see how many dreams have gone unfulfilled. Most people had not honored even a half of their dreams and had to die knowing that it was due to choices they had made, or not made. Health brings a freedom very few realize, until they no longer have it.” > > \*\*2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. > \*\* > “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.” > > \*\*3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings. > \*\* > “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result.” > > \*\*4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends. > \*\* > “Often they would not truly realize the full benefits of old friends until their dying weeks and it was not always possible to track them down. Many had become so caught up in their own lives that they had let golden friendships slip by over the years. There were many deep regrets about not giving friendships the time and effort that they deserved. Everyone misses their friends when they are dying.” > > **5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.** > > ”This is a surprisingly common one. Many did not realize until the end that happiness is a choice. They had stayed stuck in old patterns and habits. The so-called ‘comfort’ of familiarity overflowed into their emotions, as well as their physical lives. Fear of change had them pretending to others, and to their selves, that they were content, when deep within, they longed to laugh properly and have silliness in their life again. ---
**Author:** ![kk\_fusion](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kk_fusion/32/15276_2.png) [@kk\_fusion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kk_fusion)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/2 "2014-04-09T06:46:02Z")
I can see 3 and 4 applying to me, maybe 5, although that’s become better recently. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/3 "2014-04-09T07:00:26Z")
Well now is the time to see and stop it before you find yourself all regretty and sad! It’s SO incredibly good for one’s mental and emotional health to be express yourself honestly. There’s absolutely nothing to be gained in letting your truth rot you from the inside out. Almost nothing in the realm of human relationships and interaction really rates the fear we attach to it. If the thing you aren’t expressing includes affection or love for someone, how is it better to not tell them? (Obviously this isn’t a call for everyone to blurt out everything that ever crosses their minds, that’s foolish and unnecessary, not to mention hurtful.) ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c57346/32.png) [@Little\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Pig)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/4 "2014-04-09T07:03:53Z")
It would be numbers 4 and 5. Number 4 because I was lazy and number 5 because people depended upon me which I have (had?) no problem with. “I only wish I had drunk more champagne.” ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/5 "2014-04-09T07:07:17Z")
Possibly #4 and 5. My shrink is helping with 5, but 4 has been a lifetime pattern for me that I need to break. ---
**Author:** ![Foggy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/foggy/32/1082_2.png) [@Foggy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Foggy)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/6 "2014-04-09T07:35:29Z")
**1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.** I didn’t/don’t know what “a life true to myself” is. I only knew/know what others expected of me. **2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.** (shrug) **3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.** When I tried, I was told I was wrong to feel the way I did. **4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.** It was their choice to not stay in touch with me. I tried. I finally just gave up. It’s simpler this way. **5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.** I don’t know how, and it doesn’t matter. ---
**Author:** ![polar\_bear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ec9cab/32.png) [@polar\_bear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/polar_bear)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/7 "2014-04-09T07:41:39Z")
Probably 4, maybe 2 and 5 as well… although I think I’m fine with 5 at the moment. ---
**Author:** ![PastTense](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pasttense/32/14550_2.png) [@PastTense](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/PastTense)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/8 "2014-04-09T07:45:13Z")
I would have expected the top regret to be that their life was (almost) over. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 7:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/9 "2014-04-09T07:57:03Z")
I don’t really think any of those will apply to me. One of mine is likely to be that I wish I could have back all that time I wasted sitting watching TV. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 8:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/10 "2014-04-09T08:31:00Z")
> [@Foggy](#): > > **1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me.** > > I didn’t/don’t know what “a life true to myself” is. I only knew/know what others expected of me. > > **2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.** > > (shrug) > > **3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.** > > When I tried, I was told I was wrong to feel the way I did. > > **4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.** > > It was their choice to not stay in touch with me. I tried. I finally just gave up. It’s simpler this way. > > **5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.** > > I don’t know how, and it doesn’t matter. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![Cheesesteak](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cheesesteak/32/3694_2.png) [@Cheesesteak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cheesesteak)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 12:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/11 "2014-04-09T12:17:26Z")
> [@PastTense](#): > > I would have expected the top regret to be that their life was (almost) over. My only regret is that I have… Boneitis. For me, it’s 3 and 4 that I am on track to regretting. I’ve put my career on hold to be there while my son grows up, and I’m not likely to backtrack on that too far, even when I push my career forward. I’m also not exactly the introspective type, so 1 and 5 aren’t going to ping my radar on my deathbed. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 1:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/12 "2014-04-09T13:31:22Z")
> [@](#): > > 1. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard. > > “This came from every male patient that I nursed. They missed their children’s youth and their partner’s companionship. Women also spoke of this regret, but as most were from an older generation, many of the female patients had not been breadwinners. All of the men I nursed deeply regretted spending so much of their lives on the treadmill of a work existence.” This frankly sounds like wishful thinking on the part of the nurse. It’s what a woman thinks a man should feel like. A lot of the others are much the same, touchy feely bullshit. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 2:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/13 "2014-04-09T14:02:55Z")
> [@Bill\_Door](#): > > This frankly sounds like wishful thinking on the part of the nurse. It’s what a woman thinks a man should feel like. A lot of the others are much the same, touchy feely bullshit. 😕 Seriously? It’s your position that this woman just…made it up? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/14 "2014-04-09T14:17:41Z")
I’m all kinds of on board with working less. I have no problem at all with that as a goal, or guiding concept, or whatever. I like my kids. I love being with them. But, oddly, no one seems to want to pay me to sit around and play dolls with them. So while working less sounds nicer than working too much, working too much is definitely nicer than “living homeless and unemployed on the streets with my kids”. ---
**Author:** ![Bill\_Door](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@Bill\_Door](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bill_Door)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 5:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/15 "2014-04-09T17:29:47Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > 😕 Seriously? It’s your position that this woman just…made it up? Exactly. It’s what she wants people to believe, she thinks it would be a better world if everyone did those things in her list, even if they didn’t say those things, it’s what they _really_ felt. There are any number of reasons someone would rehash a bunch of warmed over new age crap and sell a $10.00 book based on it. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/16 "2014-04-09T17:49:30Z")
> [@Bill\_Door](#): > > Exactly. It’s what she wants people to believe, she thinks it would be a better world if everyone did those things in her list, even if they didn’t say those things, it’s what they _really_ felt. There are any number of reasons someone would rehash a bunch of warmed over new age crap and sell a $10.00 book based on it. Damn. Living in your head must be kinda rough. Not to mention dark. Hope you don’t end up regretting that…😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 5:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/17 "2014-04-09T17:56:14Z")
“I wish I’d spent less time with the palliative nurse.” ---
**Author:** ![Lakai](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/9de0a6/32.png) [@Lakai](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lakai)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/18 "2014-04-09T18:07:26Z")
These sound like regrets that most people usually have even when not dying. The only difference dying makes is that time has run out. However, unless you’re dying at the age of less than 30, chances are getting more time would not have changed things. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/19 "2014-04-09T18:08:59Z")
I can’t claim to have been a palliative nurse, but I was a trained & certified hospice volunteer. Such as that may be as a reccomendation, you decide if this is valid: imminent death does _not_ automatically bestow clarity and self-awareness on the average person. Until our last gasp, we’re very much who we’ve always been. Me, I don’t see why my deathbed regret won’t be the same as my lifelong one has always been: _why did I have to be such a stupid asshole?_ ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/20 "2014-04-09T18:19:55Z")
I strongly suspect that the actual, runaway #1 winner when it comes to top regret of dying people in palliative care is: “I wish to hell I’d never started smoking.” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699.md?page=2)