# Top 5 Regrets of the Dying - Will they be yours? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [April 9, 2014, 5:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699 "2014-04-09T05:41:53Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![misling](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ab097/32.png) [@misling](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/misling)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/21 "2014-04-09T18:29:14Z")
That would be my dad’s. Damn hard way to die. > [@Jackmannii](#): > > I strongly suspect that the actual, runaway #1 winner when it comes to top regret of dying people in palliative care is: > “I wish to hell I’d never started smoking.” ---
**Author:** ![bup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/6bbea6/32.png) [@bup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bup)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/22 "2014-04-09T18:35:21Z")
#1 might be my big one, but maybe not. On the other 4, though, I’m golden. Having the love of your life die makes one realize there’s not much more to fear. Life’s done its worst. Take risks. Love people, contact old friends, heal wounds. Emotional risks are nothing anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/23 "2014-04-09T20:44:40Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > “I wish I’d spent less time with the palliative nurse.” Yeah, what a cunt. ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/24 "2014-04-09T20:49:21Z")
Since my 20s, my guiding thought has been this: “I’m 75 years old. What do I want to look back and see?” Hasn’t been a magic bullet but it’s been surprisingly useful. I’d say one of those regrets brushes me a little… but friends are always problematic, aren’t they? ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/25 "2014-04-09T20:59:05Z")
Number 1: I’d regret that I have time to contemplate my life before dying. I’d rather go out in a quick wink in the middle of the night. From that list, 4 is the only one I anticipate having. I’m really bad at holding on to friends. I move a lot and don’t stay in touch. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 9:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/26 "2014-04-09T21:11:10Z")
I’m tempted to say #4 because that seems like the thing I’m _supposed_ to say as someone who isn’t particularly close to very many people. But honestly? I don’t think I will be that sorrowful about it. I don’t feel lonely. I’m fine relating to people how I currently relate to them. They may have a problem with it, but I don’t. And I would be at risk for #1 and #3 if I pretended to be broken up over this. I will probably regret not doing everything I’ve ever dreamed of doing. Like, I really want to see the Grand Canyon one day. If I find myself on my death bed later today, that would be the first thing to come to mind. I might also regret not seeing the “future”, as evidenced by an earth-shattering invention or discovery on the same scale as the internet or quantum physics. I want to be witness to dramatic societal changes. If I don’t get to experience this (and be aware of it), I’ll be disappointed. ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 9:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/27 "2014-04-09T21:40:18Z")
Maybe #2? But I am bad with unstructured time, so work is a good thing for me. I need work to make the not-work sweeter. ---
**Author:** ![Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/a587f6/32.png) [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Freddy_the_Pig)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/28 "2014-04-09T21:47:58Z")
“Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.” Is this a bad thing? I think it’s an essential social skill for living on a planet with 7 billion other people. Some of the unhappiest people I know are people who lack filters, who blurt out whatever is on their mind no matter how hurtful. I don’t (and won’t) regret that I’m not like them. ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 9:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/29 "2014-04-09T21:55:31Z")
I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be pretty skeptical that these are actually some sort of real list of the top five regrets of the dying. It sounds made up as hell. It’s glurgey. It’s written by a person who is a professional glurgemonger. As Jackmannii points out, it leaves out the most obvious regret of a pretty large chunk of dying people. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/30 "2014-04-09T22:37:29Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > I’d say one of those regrets brushes me a little… but friends are always problematic, aren’t they? No, not at all. Mine have been consistent joy and comfort to me throughout my life, in some cases we’re in our fifth decade of friendship, the others third and fourth.They are, without question, the most important part of my life; they are the people I love, and they me. The antithesis of problematic. I can’t bear to imagine how bleak my life would have been if I didn’t have them. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 10:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/31 "2014-04-09T22:45:38Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > I strongly suspect that the actual, runaway #1 winner when it comes to top regret of dying people in palliative care is: > > “I wish to hell I’d never started smoking.” Every time I eat something I know is bad for me, I think about the regret I might feel later, like on my death bed. But the thought is always fleeting. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 9, 2014, 11:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/32 "2014-04-09T23:08:10Z")
I’m 53 years older than my son. However long I live, my main regret will be that I don’t get to see more of his life than I will. 1 - figured out in my late 20s that I needed to deal with that issue. Did so. I’ll have no regrets there. 3,5 - no problems there. And right now, I’m really quite happy with my life, aside from the first sentence of #2, below. 2 - right now, I wish work wasn’t throwing so much stuff at me in such a short time. But I work for the government, so at the end of my 8-hour day, I head out the door. And when I leave on Friday, I don’t think about work more than in passing until I’m in the shower Monday morning. So I’m OK there. 4 - I could do a better job of this, certainly, not in terms of tracking them down - anyone I want to see again, I know where I can find them - but in terms of making time to spend with them. But as the father of an active 6 year old, that ain’t always easy. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 12:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/33 "2014-04-10T00:07:12Z")
> [@Freddy\_the\_Pig](#): > > “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others.” > > Is this a bad thing? I think it’s an essential social skill for living on a planet with 7 billion other people. Some of the unhappiest people I know are people who lack filters, who blurt out whatever is on their mind no matter how hurtful. I don’t (and won’t) regret that I’m not like them. Because of course those are the only two options: cancerous repression of the truth, or faux-Tourette’s manifesting as pointless abuse. Right.😛 ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 12:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/34 "2014-04-10T00:08:48Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#): > > 4 - I could do a better job of this, certainly, not in terms of tracking them down - anyone I want to see again, I know where I can find them - but in terms of making time to spend with them. But as the father of an active 6 year old, that ain’t always easy. Facetime!! ---
**Author:** ![RickJay](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/bb73d2/32.png) [@RickJay](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RickJay)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/35 "2014-04-10T01:11:10Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > Because of course those are the only two options: cancerous repression of the truth, or faux-Tourette’s manifesting as pointless abuse. Right.😛 Who but you is suggesting there’s only two options? ---
**Author:** ![ThisUsernameIsForbidden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b4bc9f/32.png) [@ThisUsernameIsForbidden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThisUsernameIsForbidden)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/36 "2014-04-10T01:21:49Z")
\*\*1. I wish I’d had the courage to live a life true to myself, not the life others expected of me. \*\* Yeah, but then who would hire you? Grandpa never took any crap from anyone, but he never held a job for more than a year either, except for the War, but that doesn’t count. **2. I wish I hadn’t worked so hard.** If you hadn’t, your wouldn’t have paid off that mortgage, and you wouldn’t have retired, yet. **3. I wish I’d had the courage to express my feelings.** Ok. So you were a coward. But who likes the guy that cries all the time. Stop whining and get back to work! **4. I wish I had stayed in touch with my friends.** You only call them friends because you don’t remember why you forgot them in the first place–they were idiots just like you. You got married, had kids, and didn’t have time for friends anyway. **5. I wish that I had let myself be happier.** Bah! If you are happy then you don’t strive to excel. You would have never worked those 60 hour weeks grindng away, and you would have never gotten that gold watch at the end of the rainbow. No time for complacency. ---
**Author:** ![Crawlspace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/d6d6ee/32.png) [@Crawlspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crawlspace)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/37 "2014-04-10T01:27:47Z")
> [@RickJay](#): > > I don’t think it’s a bad thing to be pretty skeptical that these are actually some sort of real list of the top five regrets of the dying. It sounds made up as hell. It’s glurgey. It’s written by a person who is a professional glurgemonger. As Jackmannii points out, it leaves out the most obvious regret of a pretty large chunk of dying people. Agreed. > [@Stoid](#): > > Yeah, what a cunt. Any palliative care nurse who would say this: > [@](#): > > “Many people suppressed their feelings in order to keep peace with others. As a result, they settled for a mediocre existence and never became who they were truly capable of becoming. **Many developed illnesses relating to the bitterness and resentment they carried as a result**.” is a woo mongering shitstain. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/38 "2014-04-10T01:35:03Z")
> [@Stoid](#): > > Facetime!! Well, yeah. But how to find the time and deal with the logistics of getting together when we’re in different places is the tricky part. ---
**Author:** ![monstro](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba9def/32.png) [@monstro](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monstro)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/39 "2014-04-10T02:05:44Z")
> [@Crawlspace](#): > > Agreed. > > Any palliative care nurse who would say this: is a woo mongering shitstain. I don’t think the concept of psychogenic illnesses is really “woo”. Psychological problems can cause and exacerbate physical symptoms. There’s plenty of science to back this up. But I agree that this is definitely glurgey and almost certainly made up. Who confides in their nurse that they regret not choosing to be happy? I can see someone saying they wish they had relaxed more or taken time to smell the roses. And I can see someone wishing they hadn’t challenged themselves more and experienced different things. But I can’t imagine there’s something about dying that makes someone suddenly realize they’ve _chosen_ to be unhappy. That seems way too precious to me. ---
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [April 10, 2014, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699/40 "2014-04-10T02:52:35Z")
> [@Crawlspace](#): > > Any palliative care nurse who would say this: is a woo mongering shitstain. Really? Gosh… what dismissive, yet colorful smear would you apply to Janice K. Kiecolt-Glaser1, Lynanne McGuire2, Theodore F. Robles3, and Ronald Glaser4 1,2Department of Psychiatry and 4Department of Molecular Virology, Immunology, and Medical Genetics at The Ohio State University College of Medicine, who are the authors of the [2002 NIH-backed study](http://www.umbc.edu/bbhlab/article%20pdfs/6262832.pdf)clearly showing the fact-driven, peer-reviewed, _scientific_, and 100% \*\*_woo-free_ \*\* validity of _ **precisely** _ what the shitstain asserted? > [@](#): > > Negative emotions can intensify a variety of health threats.We provide > a broad framework relating negative emotions to a range of diseases whose onset > and course may be influenced by the immune system; inflammation has been linked > to a spectrum of conditions associated with aging, including cardiovascular disease, > osteoporosis, arthritis, type 2 diabetes, certain cancers, Alzheimer’s disease, frailty and > functional decline, and periodontal disease. Production of proinflammatory cytokines > that influence these and other conditions can be directly stimulated by negative emotions > and stressful experiences. Additionally, negative emotions also contribute to prolonged > infection and delayed wound healing, processes that fuel sustained proinflammatory > cytokine production. \*\*Accordingly,we argue that distress-related immune dysregulation may be one core mechanism behind a large and diverse set of health risks associated with negative emotions. \*\*Resources such as close personal relationships that diminish negative emotions enhance health in part through their positive impact on immune and endocrine regulation. And here’s an intriguing particular that popped out in a quick scan of the text (it runs a hundred pages, not including citations) > [@](#): > > There is evidence that personality, coping, and emotions may interact > to increase or decrease individuals’ risk of negative health outcomes. For example, > the co-existence of the type “D” distressed personality style, including depressive > and anxiety symptoms, _ **and social inhibition** _, predicted cardiac morbidity and > mortality over a 10-year period (Denollet & Brutsaert 1998, Denollet et al. 1996), > whereas greater optimism, indicative of a positive emotion personality style, predicted > better health outcomes among cardiac patients (Scheier et al. 1999). Let’s take a[closer look](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Social_inhibition): > [@](#): > > Social inhibition is a conscious or subconscious **avoidance** of a situation or social interaction. With a high level of social inhibition, **situations are avoided because of the possibility of others disapproving** of their feelings or **expressions**. Social inhibition is related to behavior, appearance, social interactions, or a subject matter for discussion. Related processes that deal with social inhibition are social evaluation concerns, anxiety in social interaction, social avoidance, and withdrawal. Also related are components such as cognitive brain patterns, anxious apprehension during social interactions, and i **nternalizing problems**. Please tell me if you need me to further break down the precise meaning of “avoidance” “expression” “internalizing problems” and “synonym”. Or will we be just going straight to dismissing their study as fatally flawed due to the authors’ failure to check with you and those who share your remarkable clarity about these issues? Here’s a passage you might personally find of particular interest in contemplating your own strategies for healthy longevity: > [@](#): > > Chronic anger and hostility also negatively impact health. One excellent 9-year > population-based study found that men high in hostility had more than twice the > risk of all-cause and cardiovascular mortality compared with men low in hostility > (Everson et al. 1997). Similarly, a large prospective study of employees found that > hostility predicted the total number of long-term medically certified absences over > a 4-year period among men but notwomen (Vahtera et al. 1997). Indeed, a rigorous > meta-analysis concluded that hostility was a robust risk factor for CHD, as well as > for all-cause mortality (Miller et al. 1996). Just sayin’… [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/top-5-regrets-of-the-dying-will-they-be-yours/685699.md?page=3)