# Tough blow \[gf leaves me and moves out all while I am gone from the house\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 7, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874 "2015-11-07T04:24:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 11
**Author:** ![madsircool](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/madsircool/32/3432_2.png) [@madsircool](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/madsircool)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 7:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/201 "2015-11-09T07:20:43Z")
> [@cochrane](#): > > **Boo Boo Foo** is the narcissist. Look how he’s gotten the thread turned around to talking about him. I was trying to say that. Doh to my bad writing. Apologies. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 7:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/202 "2015-11-09T07:26:03Z")
Well said, **SeaDragonTattoo**. And I’m really sorry that you’re going through this, **Ambi**. ---
**Author:** ![bengangmo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/50afbb/32.png) [@bengangmo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bengangmo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 8:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/203 "2015-11-09T08:41:05Z")
I also remember Ambivalid from earlier in his posting history. And I also remember the stories about his anger management. It’s not totally out of left field for me to hear that a girlfriend would be afraid of him, or accuse him of having anger management issues. At the same time - to “accuse” her of having Borderline Personality Disorder, may well be fair and understanding. At the same time, it may also be a reach, and may be an example of the way he belittles her and puts her down. Not knowing either I wouldn’t want to offer an opinion. One thing that struck me in the OP (paraphrasing) - “I know for a fact she’s not having an affair, don’t ask me how…” This pings a lot of alarms for me - how do you know? Why do you know? I may well be bringing biases, but this sounds awfully like you’ve been doing something mistrustful, (perhaps that could be construed as threatening?) towards her. Which of course, would fit in with the narrative she is telling. Yeah - Boo Boo Fern is being jerkish, but at the same time is not entirely off base… ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 9:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/204 "2015-11-09T09:17:29Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > I also remember Ambivalid from earlier in his posting history. And I also remember the stories about his anger management. > > It’s not totally out of left field for me to hear that a girlfriend would be afraid of him, or accuse him of having anger management issues. > > At the same time - to “accuse” her of having Borderline Personality Disorder, may well be fair and understanding. At the same time, it may also be a reach, and may be an example of the way he belittles her and puts her down. Not knowing either I wouldn’t want to offer an opinion. > > One thing that struck me in the OP (paraphrasing) - “I know for a fact she’s not having an affair, don’t ask me how…” > This pings a lot of alarms for me - how do you know? Why do you know? I may well be bringing biases, but this sounds awfully like you’ve been doing something mistrustful, (perhaps that could be construed as threatening?) towards her. Which of course, would fit in with the narrative she is telling. > > Yeah - Boo Boo Fern is being jerkish, but at the same time is not entirely off base… Wow. A sane post. One thing Ambivalid- it is difficult to accuse someone of being an “internet expert” when you post something like this on the Internet. You’ve been around the boards long enough to understand that all replies are not going to be to your liking. That being said, I am not inside the relationship and you have my sympathy regarding your situation. See if you can find some positives although it may seem difficult at present. ---
**Author:** ![TheSpeculationElucidation](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ecc23a/32.png) [@TheSpeculationElucidation](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TheSpeculationElucidation)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 9:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/205 "2015-11-09T09:24:12Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > It’s not totally out of left field for me to hear that a girlfriend would be afraid of him, or accuse him of having anger management issues. > > At the same time - to “accuse” her of having Borderline Personality Disorder, may well be fair and understanding. At the same time, it may also be a reach, and may be an example of the way he belittles her and puts her down. Not knowing either I wouldn’t want to offer an opinion. > > One thing that struck me in the OP (paraphrasing) - “I know for a fact she’s not having an affair, don’t ask me how…” > This pings a lot of alarms for me - how do you know? Why do you know? I may well be bringing biases, but this sounds awfully like you’ve been doing something mistrustful, (perhaps that could be construed as threatening?) towards her. Which of course, would fit in with the narrative she is telling. > > Yeah - Boo Boo Fern is being jerkish, but at the same time is not entirely off base… This is how I’m feeling. I agree that It’s hard to give an opinion when you’re not directly part of the situation. BBF is tactless, but I agreed with a lot of what was said. That aside, I hope Ambi finds some peace and that the anger management continues to go well; and if his ex DOES have BPD, I hope she finds the help she needs. ---
**Author:** ![Ranger\_Jeff](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ranger_jeff/32/2065_2.png) [@Ranger\_Jeff](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranger_Jeff)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 9:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/206 "2015-11-09T09:30:56Z")
I can’t imagine your pain. If you’re going to wallow, wait until you take care of business first. Your checking account, credit cards, and a locksmith. Are any of your utilities in her name or both your names? You’ll want to change those. I don’t know if you want to get into having your car rekeyed. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/207 "2015-11-09T11:07:59Z")
> [@bengangmo](#): > > I also remember Ambivalid from earlier in his posting history. And I also remember the stories about his anger management. > > It’s not totally out of left field for me to hear that a girlfriend would be afraid of him, or accuse him of having anger management issues. > > At the same time - to “accuse” her of having Borderline Personality Disorder, may well be fair and understanding. At the same time, it may also be a reach, and may be an example of the way he belittles her and puts her down. Not knowing either I wouldn’t want to offer an opinion. > > One thing that struck me in the OP (paraphrasing) - “I know for a fact she’s not having an affair, don’t ask me how…” > This pings a lot of alarms for me - how do you know? Why do you know? I may well be bringing biases, but this sounds awfully like you’ve been doing something mistrustful, (perhaps that could be construed as threatening?) towards her. Which of course, would fit in with the narrative she is telling. > > Yeah - Boo Boo Fern is being jerkish, but at the same time is not entirely off base… I know for a fact she wasn’t having an affair because of the physical impossibility of it. She moved in with me, far away from any friends or family and had no car. She was rather isolated. Now, we were working on changing that-she was in the process of getting an older car from my dad and had met some gamer friends online. But I know, at least for the time she lived with me, there was no affair. I know this for a fact. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/208 "2015-11-09T11:12:10Z")
For those who are in agreement with BBF, please clarify what you’re in agreement with. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/209 "2015-11-09T11:14:54Z")
“Belittles her and puts her down”?? Excuse me? That came from nowhere except your imagination. I’ve never done such a thing and I didn’t allude to it here. ---
**Author:** ![Cicero](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cicero/32/3594_2.png) [@Cicero](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cicero)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/210 "2015-11-09T11:15:50Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I know for a fact she wasn’t having an affair because of the physical impossibility of it. She moved in with me, far away from any friends or family and had no car. She was rather isolated. Now, we were working on changing that-she was in the process of getting an older car from my dad and had met some gamer friends online. But I know, at least for the time she lived with me, there was no affair. I know this for a fact. Ambivalid, I still don’t get it. Unless she was physically incapable of - or had no interest in sex- she could easily have met one of these gamer friends and became attached via cyber sex. I am not saying this happened at all, just that isolation doesn’t rule anything out. She has buggered off on you so obviously she was capable of getting out of the house. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/211 "2015-11-09T11:16:28Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > … > So long as I’m adhering to the guidelines of suitable posting conduct, and confining myself to the subject matter at hand, my conscience is quite clear thank you… > In my view this is a classic case of a guy being confronted with their own admissions, and really wishing they didn’t have to confront them so that the unending empathy narrative might continue uninterrupted. And what do you hope to accomplish? The guy is in shock and mourning the sudden loss of a person who was important his life. Maybe his anger drove her away. Maybe she’s a complete loon. Maybe some of both, or something in between. You don’t know, and neither do I. But today isn’t the time to verbally assault ambivalid. Today he is reaching out for emotional help in dealing with his loss. If you are unwilling or unable to offer it, you’d really do better by just going away. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/212 "2015-11-09T11:20:25Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Ambivalid, I still don’t get it. Unless she was physically incapable of - or had no interest in sex- she could easily have met one of these gamer friends and became attached via cyber sex. > > I am not saying this happened at all, just that isolation doesn’t rule anything out. She has buggered off on you so obviously she was capable of getting out of the house. Yeah, I have a friend whose husband left her for a woman he met on-line, playing WoW, or something like that. He’d never met her in person when he decided to leave my friend. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/213 "2015-11-09T11:24:50Z")
> [@Cicero](#): > > Ambivalid, I still don’t get it. Unless she was physically incapable of - or had no interest in sex- she could easily have met one of these gamer friends and became attached via cyber sex. > > I am not saying this happened at all, just that isolation doesn’t rule anything out. She has buggered off on you so obviously she was capable of getting out of the house. OK, yes, this much is definitely possible. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 11:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/214 "2015-11-09T11:29:58Z")
And I don’t believe I described myself anywhere in this thread as anything other than an “understanding” boyfriend. For someone to twist that into me somehow saying I’d been a “perfect, wonderful” boyfriend would seem to show a bit of an agenda. ---
**Author:** ![contradancer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@contradancer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/contradancer)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/215 "2015-11-09T12:00:22Z")
Apartments that take animals are hard to find so that is a hint she moved in with someone else, probably not her parents or a girlfriend. She never loved you. I know, that’s hard to digest. But you don’t do that to someone you love. thank God she didn’t take the dog. My son had to save his dog from euthanasia. There is a good chance she will be calling you and wanting to come back. Don’t do it for obvious reasons. If you must, write her a snailmail and send to her parents and ask any questions you want and ask them to forward it to her. I do agree that most people, esp men, don’t leave unless there is someone else. You will be better. It will take a while. The risk is taking her back for any reason. Get over that hump, try to keep busy, and one day you will wake up feeling like the world is good again. Then you will have to learn to trust again. Most people are not cruel and thoughtless like she was. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/216 "2015-11-09T12:02:59Z")
Ambivalid, let’s just stick to the facts shall we? You’ve started a thread in which your very first comment was “Ok, I’m not one to usually post about personal relationship issues.” Five pages and boom! You’re happily talking about your personal relationship issues. At the end of your OP you then asked “Has anyone ever had an experience like this? How did you cope? What might the motivations be for such behavior (broadly speaking)?” To this casual observer you seemed bewildered, completely befuddled. At first glance it seemed innocuous enough, however, slowly but surely a load of information about yourself also came to light, way more than you let on in the beginning. Information you volunteered freely yourself. You informed us about the contents of your follow up conversation. But let’s remind you of your opening remark again… “Ok, I’m not one to usually post about personal relationship issues.” To suggest I have an agenda fits in with a common theme amongst all your narrative Ambivalid - namely, you perceive yourself all too easily as a victim. At least, in my view. But, I’m not invested in you, I’m simply calling things as I see them. It’s time to drink some cement, it’s time to harden up, stop perceiving yourself as a victim, fess up to the role you’ve played in why your relationship ended the way it did, sort your own issues out (and there’s no small amount there to sort out) and get on with life. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/217 "2015-11-09T12:13:03Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > And what do you hope to accomplish? The guy is in shock and mourning the sudden loss of a person who was important his life. Maybe his anger drove her away. Maybe she’s a complete loon. Maybe some of both, or something in between. You don’t know, and neither do I. But today isn’t the time to verbally assault ambivalid. Today he is reaching out for emotional help in dealing with his loss. If you are unwilling or unable to offer it, you’d really do better by just going away. While not wishing to dismiss your valid points, I take a different view. I alluded earlier to denial. If the author had been completely forthright in his OP abut his own issues which require therapy, doubtless I would have perceived this thread in a less cynical light. The “impression management” I mentioned earlier has conveniently bypassed Ambivalid - presumably because it doesn’t sit easily with his narrative. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/218 "2015-11-09T12:33:11Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Ambivalid, let’s just stick to the facts shall we? > [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > It was metaphorical, it could be anything. It could be outrigger padalling, it could be cross country skiing, it could be touch football or a local softball team. > [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > I was happy to bow out until I read your private message mate. > [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Oh, sorry mate. I can see now the message was sent to me, about you, by a person called “Melbourne”. My bad. Fact #1 _Someone’s_ a tool. And not a helpful tool like a cordless drill. ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/219 "2015-11-09T12:33:26Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > While not wishing to dismiss your valid points, I take a different view. I alluded earlier to denial. If the author had been completely forthright in his OP abut his own issues which require therapy, doubtless I would have perceived this thread in a less cynical light. The “impression management” I mentioned earlier has conveniently bypassed Ambivalid - presumably because it doesn’t sit easily with his narrative. I’m impressed. Most people would’ve dropped the “know-it-all Doper” bit after making blunders as hilarious as the ones you’ve made in this thread, and yet you soldier on, unperturbed. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/220 "2015-11-09T12:34:06Z")
**Ambivalid** , I don’t know if you’re even reading all the replies anymore, and I wouldn’t blame you if you weren’t. But here is what I think you already know: This was a bad blow, but it wasn’t something that doesn’t happen to someone every day. Worse things have already happened to you. Because of that, part of you asks why did this have to happen too? You’ve already met your quota. But another part of you knows that you can get through this too, by developing a normal routine. All that takes is the time to create that routine. These things happen when we engage with people. The answers is not to disengage with them; just to engage with them more wisely next time. Own whatever shit was yours in this episode, based on the counsel of your own conscience. And don’t hesitate to go back out into a world that won’t take anyone in unless they make the effort to enter it. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=10) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=12)