# Tough blow \[gf leaves me and moves out all while I am gone from the house\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 7, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874 "2015-11-07T04:24:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/61 "2015-11-08T00:46:02Z")
Very sorry to read this. However my most significant thought is if she was the kind of person who would leave like this then perhaps you are more fortunate than you realize. There could have been much more significant and unpleasant surprises in you future if she had stayed. People who are willing to make significant decisions or actions that affect others without their input or consideration are best not present in your life. ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/62 "2015-11-08T00:48:16Z")
The above was a simulpost with and written without the knowledge of Ambivilad’s post above, FYI. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 12:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/63 "2015-11-08T00:54:02Z")
Oh, and I’m assuming it was her brother that assisted her with moving out in such rapid fashion. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/64 "2015-11-08T01:03:13Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > My GF (or ex) has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’m not going to get into it here as to why I am convinced with absolute certainty, other than to say her mother was diagnosed with it and she displays most symptoms herself. However, she’s never been officially diagnosed. > > I had been an extremely understanding boyfriend. I educated myself on BPD, I recognized her behavior and saw that it really wasn’t something she was consciously even aware of. So I stayed, I loved her, she is the sweetest girl I’ve ever known, without a doubt. I encouraged her into treatment, medication and therapy. Probably not what you want to hear right now, but if it is BPD then you may have caught a bullet now, but escaped the large artillery barrage that would have come later. Just be prepared for her to change her mind next week. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/65 "2015-11-08T01:16:15Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Probably not what you want to hear right now, but if it is BPD then you may have caught a bullet now, but escaped the large artillery barrage that would have come later. Just be prepared for her to change her mind next week. Yeah. I’m aware. ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/66 "2015-11-08T01:36:02Z")
> [@Ken001](#): > > Your GF isn’t a bad person. Assuming that **Ambivalid** is truthful and there are no missing information (deliberatly or out of ignorance on the OP part), yes, she is. A decent person involved in a relatively acceptable relationship doesn’t disappear suddenly without a word. I mean, she didn’t even left a “Sorry, I’m leaving you. I couldn’t have handled a confrontation, you couldn’t have made me change my mind and no amount of explanation on my part would have satisfied you. Sorry again for leaving in this abrupt way. I wish you well” note on the table. Even if the circumstances and personalities made this solution the best for everybody involved, which is conceivably possible, such a note would have been the absolute minimum I would have expected. I’m amazed to read that such an experience is so common (although on this board, it seems that regardless how weird an OP circumstances are, there are always a dozen “me too” responses, so maybe it’s not really that common after all). ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/67 "2015-11-08T01:44:43Z")
Ambi, I’m so, so sorry this happened to you. What a cowardly thing to do. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/68 "2015-11-08T01:45:53Z")
> [@Alessan](#): > > I disagree. He needs to confirm that she did, in fact, leave him. If only for the sake of his own psychological well being. > > I mean, if someone you care about suddenly disappears, shouldn’t you make at least make a token effort to find them? Does he even know she’s still alive? Indeed, but for this, I’d rather contact her relatives (parents, siblings…) > [@](#): > > However, I also say that that remaining 1% will keep him up at night for years if he does nothing. He needs confirmation. That. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/69 "2015-11-08T01:53:46Z")
It truly sounds like you were very generous of spirit and understanding. It sounds very much like you did more than most would and all you could. Please don’t beat yourself up over this, doing your best is all any of us can ever do, after all. Unfortunately sometimes it can prove to not be enough to make things go our way. Try to take comfort in all you did do even so. Wishing you peace! ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 1:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/70 "2015-11-08T01:58:16Z")
I’m going to say the same thing I’ve advised others in similar situations: [ol][li]Move on.[/li][li]Don’t try to contact her.[/li][li]If she does contact you:[/li][list=a][li]Be polite and ask specifically what the contact is for.[/li][li]Do not ask her why she left. After all, she obviously thought it was the best thing for her and she obviously enlisted help in skedaddling. Asking her why she left is only a way to tear yourself down and also an opening for her to tear you down.[/li][li]Do not ask about her boyfriends, ex-husbands, whatever.[/li][li]If she overlooked something there, ask her to whom you should send it. Do not “hold it hostage”, do not deliver it in person to her new abode; simply ask where she would like it sent and then send it there with no letter in it. She’ll know it’s from you and she’ll know what’s in it.[/ol][/li][li]Delete her from your contacts lists on your cell-phones, E-mails, etc.[/li][li]Move on.[/li][li]Yes, I know I said “Move on” twice. I like moving on.[/list][/li] Years ago, one friend to whom I gave this advice ignored it. Hey, that was his privilege. He’s now unhappily married to her and simply cannot afford to divorce her. Another friend thanked me years later and is happily living the good life in another country because he can afford to. I’m not saying it’s the best advice in the world. I’m saying it’s worked for someone, and that it seems to me to be a good way to not continue the drama of a single, albeit elaborate, event. OP: I honestly wish you the best. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 2:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/71 "2015-11-08T02:06:09Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > It truly sounds like you were very generous of spirit and understanding. It sounds very much like you did more than most would and all you could. > > Please don’t beat yourself up over this, doing your best is all any of us can ever do, after all. Unfortunately sometimes it can prove to not be enough to make things go our way. > > Try to take comfort in all you did do even so. > > Wishing you peace! Unfortunately, relationships with BPD sufferers don’t have a great success rate, and those sufferers can wreak a lot of damage to those close to them. It’s not their fault, but the ongoing stresses are usually too much for most people to accept for long, much less try and fix permanently. Some things are just too hard to deal with without wrenching your own well-being out of shape. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 2:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/72 "2015-11-08T02:10:56Z")
> [@Penfeather](#): > > Unfortunately, relationships with BPD sufferers don’t have a great success rate, and those sufferers can wreak a lot of damage to those close to them. It’s not their fault, but the ongoing stresses are usually too much for most people to accept for long, much less try and fix permanently. Some things are just too hard to deal with without wrenching your own well-being out of shape. Truth. Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It’s meaningful to me. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/73 "2015-11-08T02:11:51Z")
It’s tough to move on without some sort of closure. But the BPD stuff sounds like it might be enough of a _why._ Pulling for ya, man. That really blows. ---
**Author:** ![aceplace57](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aceplace57/32/3500_2.png) [@aceplace57](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/aceplace57)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 2:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/74 "2015-11-08T02:15:38Z")
So sorry to hear about your recent troubles Ambivalid. That is one cold way to leave anybody. No note or anything? Was she usually the type that avoided expressing her feelings or anger? She may have wanted to avoid a “break up scene”. Still, she should have at least shown you the courtesy of a phone call or note. At least she didn’t take your dog too. 🙂 It will get better Ambivalid. A new gf and a newer and hopefully better relationship will eventually come your way. best regards Ace ---
**Author:** ![Melbourne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b5e925/32.png) [@Melbourne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Melbourne)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 5:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/75 "2015-11-08T05:44:14Z")
> [@clairobscur](#): > > Assuming that **Ambivalid** is truthful and there are no missing information (deliberatly or out of ignorance on the OP part), yes, she is. A decent person involved in a relatively acceptable relationship doesn’t disappear suddenly without a word. That’s not always a helpful perspective. I’m glad that the OP is getting a variety of different views, and hope that he can choose the ones that are most helpful. When your SO dumps you suddenly and w/o explanation, you’re gunna be confused. Being told that you’ve a person who loves bad people, that you are unable to tell the difference between bad people and good people when in a relationship, is not necessarily helpful, and it’s not always true: sometimes people can’t be defined just by one thing that they’ve done. ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 5:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/76 "2015-11-08T05:46:29Z")
So sorry Ambi. Okay, no one else has admitted it, but I did something very like this to a guy once. I was young then, and yeah, it’s a shitty thing to do, but I was a bad girlfriend in many many ways. We weren’t exactly living together. I had a place, and his stuff kept moving over there, and encroaching. We’d been together 3 years and were going nowhere, and we probably both knew it but didn’t want to admit it. So he went on a road trip with his brothers, and I moved to another state. Mostly because I hated confrontation, but also because I decided my life there was shit, and I needed a new start in everything. New job, new friends, best to leave fast, I felt. He tracked me down, and moved in with me for real, and things went on to die a natural death after that so there was no point, really. But at least we ended on a somewhat better note. I worked out some of the craziness and sometimes I regret it. Other times I just resent his showing up at my place in Denver (which was a really, really small place, I don’t know if we could have worked it out in a more hospitable crib). (See I haven’t worked out ALL the craziness.) Still a crappy thing to do to someone and it wasn’t really his fault. In fact he was well out of it and probably, so are you. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/77 "2015-11-08T06:10:22Z")
It probably would have gone even worse if you had happened to have come home early and saw her packing up a Uhaul. Imagine the ugly confrontation. But she still should have left a “Dear John” letter giving her reasons. Who knows. Maybe someday your paths will cross again thru work or something and that could be awkward. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/78 "2015-11-08T06:22:31Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Who knows. Maybe someday your paths will cross again thru work or something and that could be awkward. Gee, ya think? ---
**Author:** ![usedtobe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ec9cab/32.png) [@usedtobe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/usedtobe)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/79 "2015-11-08T06:24:17Z")
20 years from now, you may be able to have an ‘acceptable’ BRIEF chat with her. Unless she does have BPD. But, for the next 20 years: Don’t Look Back. Closure is what _you_ make it. Don’t expect it will be given to you. (yeah, this is another ‘me too’ post: Move On) If your paths do again meet: Treat her as you would any other stranger. That is how she chose to define your parting. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/80 "2015-11-08T06:28:24Z")
A part of this, I’m sure, is her almost pathologically anti-confrontational nature. Mix that that with my, let’s say, _not_ so pathologically anti-confrontational nature (;)) and I can at least understand why this happened when I was not home. But that is only one of many questions I have unanswered. And it really fucking sucks, to be honest. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=5)