# Tough blow \[gf leaves me and moves out all while I am gone from the house\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 7, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874 "2015-11-07T04:24:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/81 "2015-11-08T06:36:06Z")
> [@WF\_Tomba](#): > > She never existed. You hallucinated her. > > No, but seriously, I’m having a hard time believing that one woman could disappear and move all that stuff out in so short a time. My son’s mother did it to me. Firstborn son, I mean, a lifetime ago. ---
**Author:** ![Pork\_Rind](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pork_rind/32/111_2.png) [@Pork\_Rind](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pork_Rind)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 6:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/82 "2015-11-08T06:59:33Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > A part of this, I’m sure, is her almost pathologically anti-confrontational nature. Mix that that with my, let’s say, _not_ so pathologically anti-confrontational nature (;)) and I can at least understand why this happened when I was not home. But that is only one of many questions I have unanswered. And it really fucking sucks, to be honest. I can’t say much that helps, but I’m drinking one for you right now. ---
**Author:** ![Monty](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/monty/32/47_2.png) [@Monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Monty)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 7:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/83 "2015-11-08T07:30:16Z")
> [@aceplace57](#): > > That is one cold way to leave anybody. You want cold? How about someone leaving her husband that way on the husband’s birthday? This didn’t happen on your birthday, did it, **Ambivalid**? ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 8:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/84 "2015-11-08T08:59:48Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Truth. > > Thank you everyone for your advice and support. It’s meaningful to me. It really sounds like you did your best to deal with what was a problem a lot of guys would have run away from. It didn’t work out, but you tried your honest best to be with her, and it may not be a lot of consolation now, but trust me, it does make a difference when you can look back on an old relationship and say that you played the hand that was dealt you the best you could. ---
**Author:** ![Gregory\_Hancock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ce7236/32.png) [@Gregory\_Hancock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gregory_Hancock)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 10:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/85 "2015-11-08T10:09:10Z")
Forget her, she wasn’t the one for you. You deserve someone better for you and you will find that person when you are ready. Do your best to recover and try not to take being abandoned, personally. There is nothing wrong with you. To someone special out there, you are perfect. Continue enjoying life and make the most of it! ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 9:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/86 "2015-11-08T21:47:34Z")
I’m sorry about this upheaval in your life. Don’t drive yourself crazy going over and over every recent conversation, looking for clues to explain this. Sometimes things happen that just do not make sense. I think you’ve come out ahead with her gone. The reason why might not show itself for a couple of years. I’m so glad she didn’t take your dog. ---
**Author:** ![actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/e79b87/32.png) [@actualliberalnotoneofthose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/actualliberalnotoneofthose)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/87 "2015-11-08T22:11:19Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > My GF (or ex) has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). First thing I thought when I read the OP. I made an effort to read all the replies before asking/speculating. ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/88 "2015-11-08T22:49:02Z")
I see well-intentioned people saying to forget her, move on, etc. The only way to do that is to go through the pain. You’ll probably always have questions, but soon they won’t bother you so much. A wise friend of mine always likes to say, “This too shall pass”. It will get better. I’m sure you know that, but a few times it’s helped me to focus on it. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2015, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/89 "2015-11-08T23:04:38Z")
Did she even leave a forwarding address? I had a roommate up and leave who didnt and later a paycheck came for him but I had no way of getting it to him. His loss. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/90 "2015-11-09T00:18:38Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > Did she even leave a forwarding address? I’m sorry but I feel as though you didn’t even bother reading the OP. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/91 "2015-11-09T00:24:44Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > I’m sorry but I feel as though you didn’t even bother reading the OP. I’m sorry, I am not in the best mood today. No, no forwarding address, no information of any kind. Period. ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/92 "2015-11-09T00:51:31Z")
Something similar happened to my friend TP. He was married to a girl 10 years younger than he who had come from a well-to-do family. She had some kind of spiritual crisis, so she converted to Orthodox Judaism. He went along with it and attended classes with her. They wanted kids, but something was wrong with his sperm. They underwent reproductive therapy and finally produced quadruplets. About three years later, TP lost his job due to the tech bubble. He had to work two jobs to support the family. One day he came home and the wife and kids were gone. Her father had driven down with a van and cleared them out while TP was at work. TP has since recovered to the point where he remarried and gets to keep the quads at his house 6 weeks a year. Virtually his entire paycheck goes to child support and will continue to do so until they’re 18. As far as I know, TP’s ex felt over her head with the situation and her father, who probably didn’t want his daughter wed to somebody poor, came to her rescue. So to the OP, don’t mean to be callous. but it could have been worse. ---
**Author:** ![ekedolphin](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ekedolphin/32/10003_2.png) [@ekedolphin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ekedolphin)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/93 "2015-11-09T01:26:02Z")
I’m sorry, Ambivalid. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/94 "2015-11-09T01:32:42Z")
> [@Knowed\_Out](#): > > Something similar happened to my friend TP. > … > TP’s ex felt over her head with the situation and her father, who probably didn’t want his daughter wed to somebody poor, came to her rescue… What a bizarre story. If her father felt the need to rescue her from poverty, couldn’t he have just given the couple money? ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/95 "2015-11-09T01:33:46Z")
Sorry for your loss, Ambivalid. That must be extremely painful. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/96 "2015-11-09T01:35:22Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > \ > > She had obviously high-tailed it out of there, yet any reason I could discern totally evaded me. We had a great relationship. In practically all areas. Our communication, at times, could use some work, but it was something we both worked at and were seeing improvements with. I loved her, completely. Yeah, yeah, whatever. What I’m about to write is for the version of you 10 years from now, not the version of you reading this as we speak. People don’t do weird shit if everything is “close to perfect”. It’s irrelevant if “you loved her completely”, 10 years from now you’ll realise if she did some weird shit now, relatively early in the piece, she also did you a favour. Your life would have been filled with ongoing weird shit all the time, otherwise. There’s something to be said for a peaceful life, you know. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > The hardest part of all of this is she is not communicating with me in any way after she’s left. I have no idea where she is, what her reason for leaving was, or what she’s feeling. Nothing. It’s an incredibly difficult feeling to exist with. I’ve never experienced anything even close to this type of behavior before. She’s not a drug user, rarely drinks and is extremely smart. There were no affairs going on, this I know beyond a certainty (don’t ask me how but I do). Stop making this woman 100% responsible for YOUR happiness, that’s a choice you’re making and it’s the wrong choice. Go down to your local cycling shop, right now, and buy the most expensive race bike + cycling clothes + cycling shoes you can afford. Tomorrow morning start training with your local cycling group. Discover pain, more pain than you thought existed. Watch your fellow training group members ride away from you, morning after morning. Take that challenge like a dog that won’t let go of it’s toy. Become an athlete on the race bike and grow a metric ton load of new friends and change your life. Within 2 weeks you won’t even remember her. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > Has anyone ever had an experience like this? How did you cope? What might the motivations be for such behavior (broadly speaking)? I’m having a rough go of all of this and I can’t understand it from any perspective. Head miles. You’ve got waaaaaaaay too much time on your hands doing head miles. Immerse yourself in something positive, uplifting, and challenging, as described above. You can thank me 10 years from now. ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/97 "2015-11-09T01:36:54Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > You can thank me 10 years from now. Well, I’ll thank you for making my contribution to the thread look brilliant. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/98 "2015-11-09T01:37:19Z")
Well I talked to her today. It was quite a revelatory experience, in a sad, twisted sort of way. She had indeed enlisted the help of her brother to come move her out and at least according to her, it wasn’t planned until the day before. Her reasoning for leaving me was she felt “verbally and emotionally abused” and was terrified that I would escalate to physical violence. Now this didn’t really make a whole lot of sense to me. I’ve never been in any way abusive in my life, in any relationship. Now that doesn’t mean I’ve never argued, or heaven forbid, raise my voice, but I think “abuse”-level behavior goes above and beyond your typical argument with yelling. What I believe what at the heart of this was our foundational dynamic. She, being a classic BPD case, as far as I’m concerned, was **extremely** sensitive, hypersensitive, to all things emotional. Because of this, she avoided anything she considered to even be a _possible_ source of conflict, instead just burying it down inside of herself. She’d be the way she thought I wanted her to be, instead of the way she really felt. Sad, very sad, but what I believe to be the truth. Her self-identity was very fragile. She left without telling me because of this phobia of confrontation. She is now living with her brother, three hours north of me (around Traverse City for those familiar with MI). But what really hit me was what she told me she really thought of me. It sounded like I was talking to a complete stranger I had never encountered before. She told me how she “really felt” about me, how I was an extremely selfish person, self centered and terrifying to be around. She said I had no empathy, no compassion and that I simply wanted to inflict pain on others. Now, I know you all are only getting my side of things here, but you’re going to have to take my word when I say this was insane shit. I couldn’t even respond. Inside, I was crying just a little bit, because this woman I loved was clearly in mental distress and was going to get no help. I simply told her I loved her and I was sorry things ended this way. I wished her happiness and said goodbye. And promptly blocked her from all sources of communication with me. ---
**Author:** ![jz78817](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jz78817/32/1028_2.png) [@jz78817](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jz78817)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/99 "2015-11-09T01:43:55Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Go down to your local cycling shop, right now, and buy the most expensive race bike + cycling clothes + cycling shoes you can afford. Tomorrow morning start training with your local cycling group. Uh… ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 1:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/100 "2015-11-09T01:43:59Z")
Oh yeah, I forgot. Consider moving out asap, or getting a house mate in. There’s an old saying you need to guide your decisions by, at the moment. Namely, you’re only a victim of shitty behaviour once. After that? You’re volunteering. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=6)