# Tough blow \[gf leaves me and moves out all while I am gone from the house\] **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 7, 2015, 4:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874 "2015-11-07T04:24:11Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 9
**Author:** ![splatterpunk](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3be4f8/32.png) [@splatterpunk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/splatterpunk)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/161 "2015-11-09T04:29:58Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > In all honesty, please tell me what advice of his might be good? It’s an honest question. The head miles, dude. It’s all about the head miles. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/162 "2015-11-09T04:31:24Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Ok, but what am I minimizing? Honestly? I don’t like the way I feel when I get angry. But nothing has ever happened other than me feeling bad about myself because of this. And I never said I DIDN’T have anger management problems, I just said I don’t feel they were honestly very close to abusive anger. What exactly qualifies as “abusive anger”? Based on your conduct in this thread, based on how easily you’ve demonstrated a capacity to become rather animated, based on how easily you apportion blame on to people for reacting to your comments, I’d suggest what they (needscoffe) are driving at is that you might be minimising the role you’ve played in why your girlfriend chose to move on? As this thread has unfolded, more and more aspects to your background have become clear. What is also clear is that any response other than one of “you poor thing, you poor poor thing” is being met with a request for empathy and compassion. OK, fair enough. But you’re also reserving the right to conduct yourself with hostility. That’s my take… ---
**Author:** ![needscoffee](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/needscoffee/32/1076_2.png) [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/163 "2015-11-09T04:31:34Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Back to the subject matter at hand… > > Yep, that is essentially what I’ve been driving at, albeit far far less elegantly. I referred earlier to the area of “impression management”. I’m detecting a propensity for a hair trigger temper, at least as demonstrated in this thread, with regards to any tone which fits the bill of being what the OP wants to hear. The manner in which his partner left suggests she was aware this is an issue, and she wished to avoid dealing with it. I don’t think I want to be on your side here. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/164 "2015-11-09T04:32:07Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > In all honesty, please tell me what advice of his might be good? It’s an honest question. He’s given you the same general advice as lots of others. “Recognize that you dodged a bullet and move on with your life.” He’s been rather aggressive in his delivery, but that’s all it boils down to. And eventually, after you have vented and wept, you will probably do that. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/165 "2015-11-09T04:35:09Z")
I’ve had anger problems for a long time. I’ve never had an ultra-sensitive girlfriend who considered raising my voice to be verbal abuse. I’m not invalidating her feelings, I’m just loath to consider my self an abuser simply because this girl has such sensitive standards for what constitutes it. It’s never, ever been an issue in any relationship in my life. How to I reconcile these things? That said, my anger issues are not something I want to live with forever. Not because of the way it may or may not dictate my behavior, but because I want to be happy. I am already in cognitive behavioral therapy, and with a good recommendation of my doc, I plan on getting anger management therapy as well. So in no way am I minimizing or downplaying any issue of my own. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/166 "2015-11-09T04:36:25Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > He’s given you the same general advice as lots of others. “Recognize that you dodged a bullet and move on with your life.” He’s been rather aggressive in his delivery, but that’s all it boils down to. And eventually, after you have vented and wept, you will probably do that. Ha! If that’s his only advice, I say “cheers!” to him. My humble advice to him is to improve his communication skills however. They seem to be a bit lacking. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/167 "2015-11-09T04:37:57Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Based on your conduct in this thread, based on how easily you’ve demonstrated a capacity to become rather animated, based on how easily you apportion blame on to people for reacting to your comments, I’d suggest what they (needscoffe) are driving at is that you might be minimising the role you’ve played in why your girlfriend chose to move on? > > As this thread has unfolded, more and more aspects to your background have become clear. What is also clear is that any response other than one of “you poor thing, you poor poor thing” is being met with a request for empathy and compassion. OK, fair enough. But you’re also reserving the right to conduct yourself with hostility. That’s my take… Duly noted. You’ve made it clear myriad times now. What is your purpose in continuing in this thread? Do you enjoy making people feel like shit? ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/168 "2015-11-09T04:41:07Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > In addition to being a complete fucking pile of shit, you’re just fucking **wrong**. I know it’s easy to be an expert on other people’s live on the internet, but your confident bluster is just making you look like a fucking jackass. Enough already. Not every situation is as it appears. Fuck off please. How’s that anger management working for you? Let’s assume this woman does have BPD or something similar. Then it’s tragic. Tragic that her mind is not rational and she has less control over her thoughts and behaviors than most are assumed to have. And if she does have BPD you were in for a problem at some point. I know some nutty people. You can’t, usually, fix nutty. ---
**Author:** ![Penfeather](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penfeather/32/384_2.png) [@Penfeather](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Penfeather)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/169 "2015-11-09T04:41:52Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Based on your conduct in this thread, based on how easily you’ve demonstrated a capacity to become rather animated, based on how easily you apportion blame on to people for reacting to your comments, I’d suggest what they (needscoffe) are driving at is that you might be minimising the role you’ve played in why your girlfriend chose to move on? > > As this thread has unfolded, more and more aspects to your background have become clear. What is also clear is that any response other than one of “you poor thing, you poor poor thing” is being met with a request for empathy and compassion. OK, fair enough. But you’re also reserving the right to conduct yourself with hostility. That’s my take… Are you always this crass, or are you making a special effort to kick the guy while he’s down? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/170 "2015-11-09T04:43:45Z")
> [@octopus](#): > > How’s that anger management working for you? Give me a break, will ya? At my lowest and I get poked with a stick. Apologies for not having patience for it. ---
**Author:** ![Pantastic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3bc359/32.png) [@Pantastic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pantastic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/171 "2015-11-09T04:45:55Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > My GF (or ex) has what I believe to be Borderline Personality Disorder (BPD). I’m not going to get into it here as to why I am convinced with absolute certainty, other than to say her mother was diagnosed with it and she displays most symptoms herself. However, she’s never been officially diagnosed. OK, yeah, this isn’t a case of some long-brewing thing, this is an incredibly common way for people with borderline personality disorder to end relationships. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, it is purely her condition. It’s incredibly sad when you love the person, but there is literally nothing you can do for her if she won’t acknowledge the condition and get help. It hurts now, but she really did you a favor by getting out of your life. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > That is because, while of course spanning the wide breadth of emotions, they never really broke from what I considered normal human behavior. People with BPD have really badly broken minds and scarily dysfunctional coping behaviors. If you try to describe stuff that she said and did to someone who doesn’t have first hand experience with it, they will probably think you’re making it up to discredit her or leaving off some horrible thing that you did. One giant blowout with my ex- was because I committed the horrible crime of turning off some speakers that we weren’t using, but people will just assume I must have done something more to provoke it. ---
**Author:** ![Fiveroptic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fiveroptic/32/8257_2.png) [@Fiveroptic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fiveroptic)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/172 "2015-11-09T04:48:15Z")
On the bright side, Boo Boo Foo is not a poster I’ve ever noted before this thread began and now it’s unlikely I’ll forget him going forward. Ambi, I’m really sorry your heart aches and your head is spinning right now. Stay strong. Come over to Lansing and have a beer with me. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/173 "2015-11-09T04:48:36Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > Boo boo foo, your advice might be good in a couple of days, or weeks. Right now, ambivalid is still in shock and grieving over the loss of his relationship. Cut him some slack. Look, I get that, honestly, I do. There’s a famous story about Lance Armstrong going for some guy’s throat on STRAVA (the sports social media website) during his aborted build up to the Hawaiian Ironman a few years back. The dude who was getting under Armstrong’s skin really provoked Armstrong’s ire in a big way and it was just a few months before all the poop hit the fan about his doping allegations being real. Turns out the dude in question was the first paraplegic to ever finish the Ironman, and Armstrong was unknowingly trashing a hero in the sport. In some ways there are parallels to that in this thread, but the difference is I’m not going for Ambivalid’s throat. I’m just taking his comments at face value and while I’m happy to apolgise for two mistakes thus far - (1) not knowing the guy is in a wheelchair and (2) mistaking a PM (which I initially chose not to read) from “Melbourne about Ambivalid” as one being by “Ambivalid from Melbourne” - I don’t have a problem with him in any shape or form. Setting aside the OP for a moment, **if somebody was to tell me a quick story about a person who is being treated for diagnosed anger management issues living in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? 99% of the time my instant reaction would “Oh boy, that sounds like a right powderkeg right there… I wouldn’t want to be in the room when those two go off.”** For reasons which defy speculation, the full significance of what I’ve bolded there doesn’t seem to have registered with a few other readers today. ---
**Author:** ![cmyk](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmyk/32/3353_2.png) [@cmyk](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmyk)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/174 "2015-11-09T04:48:49Z")
> [@jsgoddess](#): > > You have demonstrated that you aren’t super good at reading or human interaction. I know practice is important, but maybe you could start with a different thread. But, hey! He cycles! ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/175 "2015-11-09T04:53:22Z")
> [@Pantastic](#): > > OK, yeah, this isn’t a case of some long-brewing thing, this is an incredibly common way for people with borderline personality disorder to end relationships. It doesn’t have anything to do with you, it is purely her condition. It’s incredibly sad when you love the person, but there is literally nothing you can do for her if she won’t acknowledge the condition and get help. It hurts now, but she really did you a favor by getting out of your life. > > People with BPD have really badly broken minds and scarily dysfunctional coping behaviors. If you try to describe stuff that she said and did to someone who doesn’t have first hand experience with it, they will probably think you’re making it up to discredit her or leaving off some horrible thing that you did. One giant blowout with my ex- was because I committed the horrible crime of turning off some speakers that we weren’t using, but people will just assume I must have done something more to provoke it. Oh man, it’s like an oasis in the desert. You understand!! My god you understand. Just reading this helps me so much. 🙂 Thank you. Really. More than you know. ---
**Author:** ![octopus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/octopus/32/3716_2.png) [@octopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/octopus)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/176 "2015-11-09T04:56:25Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Give me a break, will ya? At my lowest and I get poked with a stick. Apologies for not having patience for it. There is no way to properly, for me, express that first sentence the way it’s meant to sound assuming we were having a one on one verbal conversation. No harm meant. This BPD stuff is serious though. I dont want to get into too many personal details about my experiences with people with this or very similar mental illnesses but the experience has softened my stances on many subjects when you realize just how much an illusion rationality may be. And when people want something but their brains betray them it’s frustrating and damaging. I have sympathy for both parties in situations like this. The mental illness stuff is odd and seemingly less real to many because it’s hidden in the brain. But it’s a real physical defect that reason cannot fix. And medications and therapy for these sort of issues also change the personality and mood of the person. It’s unfortunate. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/177 "2015-11-09T04:56:53Z")
> [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](#): > > Look, I get that, honestly, I do. > > There’s a famous story about Lance Armstrong going for some guy’s throat on STRAVA (the sports social media website) during his aborted build up to the Hawaiian Ironman a few years back. The dude who was getting under Armstrong’s skin really provoked Armstrong’s ire in a big way and it was just a few months before all the poop hit the fan about his doping allegations being real. Turns out the dude in question was the first paraplegic to ever finish the Ironman, and Armstrong was unknowingly trashing a hero in the sport. > > In some ways there are parallels to that in this thread, but the difference is I’m not going for Ambivalid’s throat. I’m just taking his comments at face value and while I’m happy to apolgise for two mistakes thus far - (1) not knowing the guy is in a wheelchair and (2) mistaking a PM (which I initially chose not to read) from “Melbourne about Ambivalid” as one being by “Ambivalid from Melbourne” - I don’t have a problem with him in any shape or form. > > Setting aside the OP for a moment, **if somebody was to tell me a quick story about a person who is being treated for diagnosed anger management issues living in a relationship with someone who has been diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder? 99% of the time my instant reaction would “Oh boy, that sounds like a right powderkeg right there… I wouldn’t want to be in the room when those two go off.”** > > For reasons which defy speculation, the full significance of what I’ve bolded there doesn’t seem to have registered with a few other readers today. Neither of us have diagnosed mental conditions of any kind. Please read more carefully. And I’ve yet to be treated for any anger-related issue. Your opinions are strong but your understanding is weak. ---
**Author:** ![puzzlegal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/puzzlegal/32/3827_2.png) [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/178 "2015-11-09T05:02:09Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#): > > He’s given you the same general advice as lots of others. “Recognize that you dodged a bullet and move on with your life.” He’s been rather aggressive in his delivery, but that’s all it boils down to. And eventually, after you have vented and wept, you will probably do that. Mods, ambivalid edited after i posted this. I didn’t change his quote. ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 5:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/179 "2015-11-09T05:04:35Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Oh man, it’s like an oasis in the desert. You understand!! My god you understand. Just reading this helps me so much. 🙂 Thank you. Really. More than you know. Of course it helps. It allows you to get off the hook, and to avoid facing any role that you might have played in your girlfriend leaving. See, there are two things which are mutually exclusive here. (1) Your assertion that you were an outstanding boyfriend, almost perfect. And (2) your admission you’ve not only been diagnosed with behavioural issues, but you’re actively in therapeutic treatment for them. Those two positions don’t easily reconcile. Whilesoever you pursue a position of “I did nothing wrong, it was all entirely her fault, it happened because she had a mental health issue!” The underlying issues aren’t going to go away I’d suggest. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > I’ve had anger problems for a long time. > [@Ambivalid](#): > > That said, my anger issues are not something I want to live with forever. Not because of the way it may or may not dictate my behavior, but because I want to be happy. I am already in cognitive behavioral therapy, and with a good recommendation of my doc, **I plan on getting anger management therapy as well.** ---
**Author:** ![Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e274bd/32.png) [@Boo\_Boo\_Foo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Boo_Boo_Foo)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2015, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874/180 "2015-11-09T05:06:48Z")
> [@Ambivalid](#): > > Neither of us have diagnosed mental conditions of any kind. Please read more carefully. And I’ve yet to be treated for any anger-related issue. Your opinions are strong but your understanding is weak. OK, so what you’re saying is, your former girlfriend DOESN’T have Bipolar Disorder, you’d just like us to believe that it’s true to explain why she suddenly up and left? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=8) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/tough-blow-gf-leaves-me-and-moves-out-all-while-i-am-gone-from-the-house/736874.md?page=10)