# Toujours Gai (Gadarene's Blues) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 15, 2001, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131 "2001-01-15T11:56:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 15, 2001, 11:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/1 "2001-01-15T11:56:58Z")
First, apologies to don marquis and Mike Nesmith, respectively, for the title of this thread. Next, a disclaimer. I don’t know how much a part I am of the SDMB community, nor for that matter how much I want to be. Most of my interaction with fellow Dopers comes in Great Debates, and to an extent I’ve distanced myself from the more social aspects of the board. But I find it difficult sometimes to keep from seeking comfort in the friendliness here, especially since I have so few people to whom I can otherwise talk. To that end, I posted a thread about my long-distance, long-term relationship dissolving in the winter air, and I’m posting this thread now. I’d like to quote passages from two e-mails I wrote, one in October of 1998 and one in June of 1999. The e-mails are to a friend with whom I’ve since lost contact, and each bears relevance to my present mood. I don’t write e-mails like this anymore; I don’t really have anyone to write them to. I guess that bears some relevance, as well. _October 1998_ > [@](#): > > I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the virtues of being a hermit. Not in those terms, of course, but it’s so tempting sometimes to want to just drift away from all human contact and experiences, if not physically then emotionally. I guess it’s kinda like your take on romantic relationships…interacting with people can inevitably bring no more than memories of faces, sounds, smells, experiences–memories which are painful merely for the fact that they are in the past. > > Too maudlin, I guess, and making my state of mind at the moment sound (possibly) worse than it really is. Sometimes it’s just hard to find much to keep me going, to prevent me from being slowed and stilled by the inertia of Before. I share your feelings of amazement and pride as I see all that we as a people have accomplished, especially in so short a time as the past century. And those feelings are matched and mirrored when I see a contoured, dark green mountainside, or the twist of a branch, or when I feel the wind at my face. It all always affects me, and sometimes it even makes me feel like crying. Now it’s getting colder here, and the crisp air carries with it times of happiness and sadness from last year, and the year before, and so on. And the sense of LOSS…I don’t quite know how to describe it. I know there’ll be times to come, happiness, possibly even love–and grief and all the brightly tinged emotions as well. But at every moment when I think about any of it there’s a buzzing in my veins, and goosebumps on my cheeks. > > Maybe I’m still just lonely…I know that’s a big part of it. And let none of this make you think that I’m in any way deeply depressed. Far from it. Just…weighted. I still do things, I DO have friends here–though none that I feel truly close to. And I AM happy, overall. (“Be happy! If you can’t at least be happy then what’s the point of being alive?” Rosencrantz) But I feel hyper-aware of everything. And I don’t really have anyone to talk to. I mean, _you_, practically, ideally, but you know what I mean. _June 1999_ > [@](#): > > As for me, I remain bewildered by the style and art of relationships–more specifically, while others complain of striking out or of only reaching a certain base (apologies for the baseball metaphor), I can’t even seem to find the stadium, or get inserted into the lineup. I hardly remember what it’s like to feel the reciprocity of love–or even real romantic affection–and those memories I do have are startling in their strangeness and seeming disconnectivity to anything sequential or real. How did I come to be at that place? What could I possibly have said? What could she possibly have seen? > > At a time when tangible friends are themselves few and far-between, I suppose I should feel lucky that the twinge of mere loneliness has not translated itself into the familiar pain of rejection or unrequited emotions. And indeed, I prefer more and more the peaceful hollowness I feel now to the risks inherent in finding someone in whom to invest–a realization that is frightening in its implications. But how I want what others all have (for all around me hands are held and glances exchanged), how nice it would be to find that sort of fulfillment. I know myself to be a worthy candidate–most days, that is, though self-doubt can seep further and further into my skin, like tides drawn by the moon–but somehow that knowledge makes the loneliness all the more acute. Better that I be demonstrably ugly, or stupid, or ill-mannered; then there could be some marker, some definite rack on which to hang a hat of inadequacy. Of course nothing can be that clear-cut, and self-awareness can never be sufficiently distanced from senses of injustice and longing. As it stands, then, I’m condemned thus far to lose hope in miniscule increments, as if there’s a mortal wound small enough to yield a single drop of blood at a time. > > This is needlessly lyrical, of course–there’s nothing particularly unique or tragic in any of my circumstances. I haven’t lost anyone, I’m not pining over anyone; just the possibility of anyone, really, and the fact that this seems to be steadily diminishing even as others couple with facility and frequency (and the ones that don’t–to me–are possessed of loftier judgments in the face of opportunity, luck like mine which lends a lack of opportunity, or diminished character which makes opportunity barren). > > The problem, I think, is that I’m unwilling to leave my world of ideals. Thence either to be content with what I’m given or dirty my hands and heart in pursuit of…acceptability. Unwilling? Unable, maybe…hard as I try, so far, the invitations I’ve extended are misunderstood or ill-received (and likely both, since women will perceive there to be a date if they want there to be a date). There’s nothing wrong, also, in preferring small knots of friends to large social gatherings, except that I don’t meet new people if I don’t go to parties, and what few female friends I have are uninterested or uninteresting (or thousands of miles away, which precludes the other two). _January 2001_ Things have changed since I wrote that, and then, I guess, changed back. Which in itself illustrates the cyclical nature of life, and validates the maxim of not making tempests out of molehills–or much ado about love’s labor, or something. But I’ve got law school and such to keep me going, which I didn’t have two years ago, and I’ve since entered and exited a meaningful relationship, which is much more than I could say a year ago and a half. I feel less of the inertia and less of the self-doubt, both of which are undoubtedly Very Good Things. I’m pretty damn comfortable being where I am. And yet… And yet. I feel at times as lonely as I ever have. What friends I had have all graduated or drifted away, and my roommate is the only person left with whom I spend any time at all outside of work. I spend most of the day by myself: in my office, reading, television, the computer. By all rights, I should feel _more_ lonely than I do. But I’ve accepted my state of affairs with what seems to me to be uncommon calm–the same way in which I shrugged off, after a couple of days, the end of my relationship. And that’s what’s beginning to disturb me the most. I don’t know. I don’t make friends easily–rather, I don’t make _acquaintances_, which is really the larval stage, isn’t it? Usually? Most social situations aren’t very much fun to me; I’d genuinely rather be home with a book. But when I do go out… Well, I played volleyball tonight, which is something I’m trying to get back into the habit of doing. It’s fun, it is; I love the sport. It’s just that, single again, I get melancholy over the stupidest things while playing. Because I don’t know any of the people I play with, and I _won’t_ know any of them. It’s not an appropriate venue for sparking friendships…or even if it is, I don’t seem to have that mechanism in my brain. I see women there and it makes me sad because they seem to be such great people, some of them, and I lack the capacity even to initiate much of a conversation without feeling awkward and forward and other words that end in -ward. Montgomery Ward, I suppose. And it feels, counterintuitively, as though I’ll be alone forever again. I’m not being articulate here. _sigh_ I was just re-reading those missives to my erstwhile friend tonight, having been reminded of them, and wanted for some reason to share. Bearing in mind the passage of time, the e-mails frame it more eloquently than I feel I can right now. “I have, of late–but wherefore I know not–lost all my mirth.” Apologies to Hamlet, too. As recently as it’s been, I miss having someone now as much as I did before I had someone. No more, I think, and no less, with one exception: I miss the warmth the most, and more acutely now for the freshness of the memory. Ah, well. ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/2 "2001-01-16T03:46:03Z")
Fantastic; sixteen hours and not a single reply! Perhaps I spoke too soon about finding comfort in the friendliness of the board. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 3:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/3 "2001-01-16T03:48:28Z")
hey **Gad** I like you. ---
**Author:** ![blur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dbc845/32.png) [@blur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blur)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 3:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/4 "2001-01-16T03:58:02Z")
Gadarene, I know how you feel. I’m not really all that good at finding the right things to say, but hang in there. I hope you find something to make you happy soon. ---
**Author:** ![Rasa](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rasa/32/3578_2.png) [@Rasa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rasa)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 4:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/5 "2001-01-16T04:02:20Z")
Well Gadarene, if oldscratch likes ya I’d probably likes ya too. Hang in there. ---
**Author:** ![oldscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ed655f/32.png) [@oldscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/oldscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 8:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/6 "2001-01-16T08:21:54Z")
and on a more detailed note… I wish I was better at giving sympathy and being understanding and shit. It all seems so inadequate online. So I give you my best wishes. And I hope for the best for you. You’re one of those people in the world who deserves it. Then I go and share some stories I’ve heard, and I hope it helps. I also help the people don’t get pissed at me and shun me. So… life sucks, you’re depressed, you feel like you have no friends. I know many people who have gone through this. You know what? For most of them it gets better. Take a look at our resident depressed lesbian, **Anthracite** , as long as I’ve been on the boards she’s been unhappy, depressed, sad, upset with life. Now look at her. She’s found someone who makes her feel alive, vibrant, giddy, and many other things that I wouldn’t pressume to post here. Her whole outlook on life changed cause of one person. My friend **Crack’dOff** is going through extreme depression right now. He feels like he has few or no friends. He’s not sure what he wants out of life. Hell, he even went to law school and holds what you could call a successful job, and he still hates life. Cause sometimes life sucks, and then when you’re down, and at your worst, it kicks you in the nuts… repeatedly. But, you know what? It gets better. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow, maybe not for a couple years. But it does get better. It got better for **Una** , it’ll get better for **Crack’d** and it will get better for you. I’ve been in the same position myself. I’ve been so bad I’ve tried to kill myself over it. And I got better too. Maybe it’ll get worse for me again, I can certainly see that. But all one can do is hope. And do me a favor… if it gets worse, get proffesional help. ---
**Author:** ![Silo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ac91a4/32.png) [@Silo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Silo)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 8:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/7 "2001-01-16T08:34:40Z")
Aw cheer up Gaderene, it’s not so bad. Maybe it’s just the lack of sunlight that is getting to you. I tend to find myself feeling down a little more around this time of year. Like you, I spend a large portion of my time alone. Yeah, granted, sometimes it sucks–but try to be comfortable with it, it makes you stronger within. Hang in there - we all get in ruts from time to time. Try changing your routine a little. Focus less the past and more on the present. 🙂 If things keep progressively getting worse for your mental state - seeking some form of treatment would be a good thing for you to do. ---
**Author:** ![Doobieous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/da6949/32.png) [@Doobieous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Doobieous)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 8:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/8 "2001-01-16T08:45:20Z")
Gad, I likes ya. And i’m not just posting this cause oldie told me to ;). I know what you mean about the friends thing. Most of my friends have graduated, or moved away. Some have been drifting away. It’s a little depressing at times to realize that people I spent 3 years making friends with might not be around anymore. When i first realized this, it freaked the hell out of me. Sure, i could have made new friends, but i doubted i would find the bond that I have with them. But I realized I was being silly. Of course i’d not have the same bond, i’d just create new ones with others. So, i put myself out there. I dared meeting new people. And guess what? I’ve met and made some incredible friends from this board. And as oldie said, it DOES get better. Things in life are almost always temporary. ---
**Author:** ![absoul](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/bc8723/32.png) [@absoul](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/absoul)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 8:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/9 "2001-01-16T08:47:49Z")
Hang in there. \<\\> I can feed of my ability to stay depressed for long periods of time. My emotions for the past event have faded but I can still hold onto the depression, like sleeping in on a Sunday afternoon. Best of luck on your future. If you can heal yourself and become a better person because of these events you will appreciate this time in your life. Bitterness only helps hapless painters who die at 28. Find yourself again. ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/10 "2001-01-16T19:44:44Z")
Thank you. I feel I should reiterate that I’m not depressed, just bored, restless, and lonely. All of you have offered good advice[sup]\*[/sup], nice words, and a positive outlook, for which I’m sincerely appreciative. I’m constrained in making new friends not only by my character but by the smallish town in which I live–perhaps when I go to New York in the summer, and law school in the fall, things will change. Assuming, that is, that I won’t be spending all my time studying. 🙂 I just wish there was a way for me to have someone round here now. Hell, if anyone’s ever up for making a new e-mail friend, drop me a line; I’ve become leery of making connections online, but I _would_ appreciate an interesting discussion or two. As for the rest, we’ll see. It would be nice to find someone to go to the movies with, play _kriegspiel_ with, and have interesting and engaging conversation, like, actually _in person_ with. And, like everyone else, I could use a cuddle now and then. But things go as they go. And I’m reasonably content with where I’m headed, even if it means some downtime in the interim. Thanks again, you guys. [sub][sup]\*[/sup]Except, for me, the suggestion that I seek counseling. It’s not that I’m offended by the notion or anything, but I tend so much toward self-analysis that when I went to a therapist some years ago after a bad breakup, I talked the entire time. The therapist told me that she didn’t see any real benefit in me coming back, since I was self-aware enough that she couldn’t provide any real insight into my problems that I had not already gleaned for myself. Okay, maybe she wasn’t a very _good_ therapist.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/11 "2001-01-16T20:00:28Z")
Gad, I just wanted to stop in to say “I know JUST how you feel!” Loneliness is a very oppressive thing. I have two friends in this town, which is three more than I had in my previous location. But still… My phone may or may not work. I can’t tell, as it never rings. Cats, though they are wonderful creatures, and superior to humans in almost every way, are not really a substitute for good friends. I envy the problems people have on TV. ^^^^^^^^^^^^^ If you want to see a movie sometime, let me know 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Gadarene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e47c2d/32.png) [@Gadarene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gadarene)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/12 "2001-01-16T21:03:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by blessedwolf \* > If you want to see a movie sometime, let me know 😉 Sure! 🙂 Maybe we can find a city that’s actually playing _Crouching Tiger, Hidden Dragon_. I’m in Southern Oregon–what’s the median point 'twixt you and me? (Dammit…I promised my polisci professor a couple of years ago that I’d never use the bastard-word “'twixt” again.) ---
**Author:** ![system](https://global.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/original/2X/e/e489c3b7d8fce19c4b355dd4fc3f88cc39c34b87.png) [@system](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/system)\ **Post date:** [January 16, 2001, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/toujours-gai-gadarenes-blues/50131/13 "2001-01-16T21:29:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Gadarene \* > \*\* > > I’m in Southern Oregon–what’s the median point 'twixt you and me? > \*\* aww, CRAP! Sothern Oregon? I guess it’ll take some more planning. The median point is…Arkansas? Kansas? See, the problem is, I’m in Florida (of course, at 62° and partly cloudy today, I wouldn’t normally call that a “problem.”)