# Transexual Etiquette: "Former Life?" **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [August 3, 2015, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855 "2015-08-03T05:02:09Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/1 "2015-08-03T05:02:09Z")
What’s the most polite way to refer to a transexual’s former status? “Your previous life?” “Your former phase of life?” “The way you used to be?” Is there a sensible and sensitive way of saying this at all? (I need to write a fan letter to Zoey Tur, once known as Bob Tur.) ---
**Author:** ![Octarine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/22d042/32.png) [@Octarine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Octarine)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 5:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/2 "2015-08-03T05:19:43Z")
“Before your transition”? ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 6:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/3 "2015-08-03T06:44:15Z")
That’s a nice phrase. Is ‘transition’ commonly used for this change of life? (Have I just blown it by using a phrase that is not favored?) This is stuff that’s new to me; I’m trying to follow the best etiquette, but I don’t know what it is! (Zoey Tur was ambushed on an interview show by someone who refused to use her preferred choice of pronoun. Very, very ugly, and that’s why I wanted to write her a fan letter. But I was a fan of “Bob Tur” back before she changed her name – and sex – to Zoey. I met Bob once, and wanted to mention that in the fan letter, but I am not sure how best to phrase it.) Thank you for advice! ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 7:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/4 "2015-08-03T07:02:41Z")
Can you just mention that you met her X number of years ago? She would know what you mean. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/5 "2015-08-03T08:36:25Z")
I heard a transwoman fabulously refer to it as “back when I had pockets”. (women’s clothing is notoriously short of pockets, since designers think they ruin the line of the outfit, or something like that.) ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/6 "2015-08-03T17:46:13Z")
Cinnamon Imp: > [@](#): > > (women’s clothing is notoriously short of pockets, since designers think they ruin the line of the outfit, or something like that.) More likely it’s so they can also sell them their line of designer handbags for ridiculous amounts of money (and ridiculously little functionality for it). ---
**Author:** ![Dorjan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dorjan/32/12440_2.png) [@Dorjan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dorjan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/7 "2015-08-03T19:01:22Z")
Hard to go wrong with “back in the day” 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 7:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/8 "2015-08-03T19:45:33Z")
Whatever you do, don’t start your letter with “Dear Sir or Madam…” ---
**Author:** ![TroutMan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/troutman/32/6721_2.png) [@TroutMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TroutMan)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 8:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/9 "2015-08-03T20:16:12Z")
I’ve seen transgender people write of their experience “pre-transition” so I’d think that’s safe if you feel you must refer to it somehow. But I like **TokyoBayer’s** advice that specifying pre- or post-transition isn’t necessary. Also of potential interest is this answer from a [Q&A live chat](http://live.washingtonpost.com/civilities-with-steven-petrow-20151002.html) from the Washington Post earlier this year on etiquette. > [@](#): > > Q: Having known a couple transgender people both before and after transitioning, I often find myself thinking of experiences in terms of their past names. As a hypothetical example, reminiscing about the time that Adam and I went to Nationals game and ran into Celebrity X. Now that Adam has come out and transitioned to Amy, should I be telling the story as how Amy and I went to the Nats game and met Celebrity X? > > A: …In general, most transgender people really prefer that their birth names not be mentioned. I have friends from before my transition who sometimes reference things we did in college, and they always say Nick and he - even though that wasn’t the name and pronoun I used then. I definitely prefer it this way, and feel that it’s very respectful. In other words, stay away from “I met you when you were Bob.” ---
**Author:** ![Trinopus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/2bfe46/32.png) [@Trinopus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Trinopus)\ **Post date:** [August 3, 2015, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/10 "2015-08-03T21:06:12Z")
> [@TokyoBayer](#): > > Can you just mention that you met her X number of years ago? She would know what you mean. That makes good sense! It’s sort of hiding from the problem, but that’s one of the major roles of etiquette! > [@Ethilrist](#): > > Whatever you do, don’t start your letter with “Dear Sir or Madam…” Guffaw!!! > [@TroutMan](#): > > . . . In other words, stay away from “I met you when you were Bob.” Ouch! Yeah, that would be kinda lumpish. It seems like the sort of naive tone-deaf thing that someone might say in all innocence – sort of like “You People.” It isn’t intrinsically offensive, but has connotational baggage. The reason I opened this thread is that I am innocent…and naive and tone-deaf. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2015, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/11 "2015-08-04T01:04:57Z")
Similar question. My friends ex-wife is now a man. I seldom see him (I see the friend, just not his ex-wife) but when his ex-wife comes up in conversation for events in the past, is he “he” or “she” - do I retcon events for his gender identity, under the understanding that he was always he, but spent a long time with the wrong assigned gender (which seems the most respectful), or do I keep the past tense presenting gender that was (which seems the easiest to follow)? Generally we are talking with our friend about things that we did together back when they were married pre-transition - or talking to each other about those events, so it isn’t a case of confusing strangers, everyone in the conversation has the history. ---
**Author:** ![TokyoBayer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tokyobayer/32/13989_2.png) [@TokyoBayer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TokyoBayer)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2015, 8:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/transexual-etiquette-former-life/726855/12 "2015-08-04T08:10:35Z")
> [@Trinopus](#): > > That makes good sense! It’s sort of hiding from the problem, but that’s one of the major roles of etiquette! I knew a guy in college who was 7’ tall (but didn’t play basketball, although he could get a scholarship simply by dressing for the game) and had to face comments on his height every single day of his life. I’m sure he loved it when people wouldn’t bring it up. I also have met a number of people from the former East Germany who say that it gets tiring when people ask about the unification. I would suspect that this case, having to refer to “the problem” as you put it, all the time would be even more annoying.