# Trek Dopers, what would you include in an R rated Star Trek?

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156>\
**Category:** Cafe Society\
**Created:** [January 27, 2003, 3:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156 "2003-01-27T03:30:49Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 6

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**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\
**Post date:** [January 31, 2003, 5:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/101 "2003-01-31T17:24:50Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by NoClueBoy_  
> **Hey, Terrifel, what took you so long to find The Dope where all the real Trekkers are? I like your input. Welcome aboard.**

Why, thank you, pardner; that’s a’right neighborly of you. Nice to know that I haven’t totally worn out my welcome yet. Yeah, I’m just getting online; technology inspires fear and hatred in me, so I’ve put off getting a computer for as long as possible, no doubt to the serious detriment of my education and career.

Then one day there was a knock at the door, and when I answered, it turned out to be Bill Gates with an annoyed expression on his face. He angrily thrust a laptop into my hands and stormed off. Guess I was the last one.

I’d hate for anyone to think that I considered myself a “real Trekker,” though. I’ve seen the shows and the movies, and I’m naturally cranky and opinionated. But by no means do I know offhand, for example, which season “Charlie X” was first broadcast.

Sure, I fantasize about the graphic death of Wesley Crusher, but so do remote tribes in Borneo who have never even seen the show. I think it’s one of those Jungian archetypes.

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**Author:** ![Sejal\_Traurig](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Sejal\_Traurig](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sejal_Traurig)\
**Post date:** [January 31, 2003, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/102 "2003-01-31T18:02:16Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Terrifel \*  
> \*\*  
> I’d hate for anyone to think that I considered myself a “real Trekker,” though. I’ve seen the shows and the movies, and I’m naturally cranky and opinionated. But by no means do I know offhand, for example, which season “Charlie X” was first broadcast.  
> \*\*

Production #8  
Original Airdate: 9/15/1966  
Directed By: Lawrence Dobkin  
Story By: Gene Roddenberry  
Teleplay By: D.C. Fontana

[http://www.trek47.com/tos/epguide/pn8.html](http://www.trek47.com/tos/epguide/pn8.html)

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**Author:** ![Terrifel](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/c68b51/32.png) [@Terrifel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Terrifel)\
**Post date:** [January 31, 2003, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/103 "2003-01-31T21:32:50Z")

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Well…I guess this _is_ where the “real Trekkers” are.

Thanks, **Sejal\_Traurig** –that’s what I call service!

Oh, and can I get a refill on my Diet Sprite?

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [January 31, 2003, 11:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/104 "2003-01-31T23:29:15Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Terrifel \*
> 
> \<_SNIP SNIPPY SNIP SNIP SNIPPITY SNIP_\>  
> \*\*I’d hate for anyone to think that I considered myself a “real Trekker,” though.  
> Sure, I fantasize about the graphic death of Wesley Crusher… \*\*

Well, _THAT_ makes you a “real” Trekker!

Note this apochryphal (or, at least, wildly innaccurate) quote from The Great Bird of the Galaxy himself, Gene Roddenberry:

_“Wuss-ley Crusher? I hate that little pecker character! The only reason I wrote him in in the first place was because that fucklipped smeghead Wil Wheaton claimed he was my love child with that Janice Rand bitch, whoever the hell she was in real life, I don’t give a damn, really, and that he DNA evidence to back it up. Well, I slept with all of the female characters of the old show, and most of the males, to, so I figgerred I would put him in for a bit part. Then, that cock tease fag-boy toy Berman wrote all sorts of shows about him. JESUS! Well, we finally got the real deal about the DNA (he’s Shatner’s, the pig!) and I had him written out. Unfortunately, I died, and never got to see it. The reception up here in the afterlife sucks…”_

Damn it! I can’t find the site I pulled that from… shit, shit, shit…

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**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 12:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/105 "2003-02-01T00:21:35Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Diceman \*  
> **How about Riker & Troi’s nude wedding? With most of the camera time given to Troi, of course 😃**

Definitely. I wanna see if the spots go all the way down.

DD

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**Author:** ![DesertDog](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/desertdog/32/11503_2.png) [@DesertDog](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DesertDog)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 12:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/106 "2003-02-01T00:27:26Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by DesertDog \*  
> \*\*Definitely. I wanna see if the spots go all the way down.
> 
> DD \*\*

D’oh! I meant _Dax’s_ spots, of course. She’d be a guest, right?

DD

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**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/107 "2003-02-01T03:01:36Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \*  
> \*\*Caught you, Viva… \*\*

* * *

Doing what??? Speculating? Geeking? Falling behind you in my post count?

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**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/108 "2003-02-01T07:09:24Z")

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Porthos mates with a modified Tribble.

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/109 "2003-02-01T07:18:47Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by vivalostwages \*  
> \*\*Porthos mates with a modified Tribble. \*\*

As far as I can figure out, Tribbles are born pregnant.

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**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/110 "2003-02-01T07:31:55Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \*  
> \*\*As far as I can figure out, Tribbles are born pregnant. \*\*

* * *

That’s why I said “modified,” ya see? 😉

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/111 "2003-02-01T07:38:04Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by vivalostwages \*  
> \*\*---------------------------------------------------------------  
> That’s why I said “modified,” ya see? 😉 \*\*

Something wrong with your eye?

Oh… :smack:

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**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/112 "2003-02-01T07:41:02Z")

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My dear, _you’re_ the one with the fahoozey eye. I just have epistaxis.\*

\*a rare blood disorder contracted in the Rura Penthe mines

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [February 1, 2003, 7:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/113 "2003-02-01T07:46:25Z")

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Picard: “Why have you brought me here?!?”  
ShirZan: “I was lonely.”

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**Author:** ![vivalostwages](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/d07c76/32.png) [@vivalostwages](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vivalostwages)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/114 "2003-02-02T00:56:23Z")

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**Shinzon. ?**

“Why am I here? Because I was grading essays and they were making me sick. I have come for respite and any meds I can get.  
Oh, and a cloned Mini-Viva to take over for me.”

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**Author:** ![Diceman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Diceman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diceman)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 4:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/115 "2003-02-02T04:18:57Z")

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**Romulan Commander:** He is an exact duplicate of you, Captain Picard, except 1/6 the size.

**Picard:** Excellent. I will call him “Mini-Picard” 😃

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**Author:** ![Tars\_Tarkas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/6a8cbe/32.png) [@Tars\_Tarkas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tars_Tarkas)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 8:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/116 "2003-02-02T08:13:51Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \*  
> \*\*Picard: “Why have you brought me here?!?”  
> \*\*

shizon: i need to masterbate, but don’t have any free hands…

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**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 2:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/117 "2003-02-02T14:32:28Z")

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I think we’ve crossed over into NC-17 by now, so why not?

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**Author:** ![Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bosda_di_chi_of_tricor/32/16845_2.png) [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/118 "2003-02-02T14:53:28Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by NoClueBoy \*  
> \*\*I think we’ve crossed over into NC-17 by now, so why not? \*\*

**NC** C\*\*-17\*\*01 rating, _I’d_ say. 😉

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\
**Post date:** [February 2, 2003, 2:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/119 "2003-02-02T14:58:32Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by Bosda Di’Chi of Tricor \*  
> **NC** C_\*-17\*\*01 rating, _I’d_ say. 😉

I wish I had thought of that!

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**Author:** ![Mothchunks](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/a587f6/32.png) [@Mothchunks](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mothchunks)\
**Post date:** [February 3, 2003, 6:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trek-dopers-what-would-you-include-in-an-r-rated-star-trek/151156/120 "2003-02-03T06:56:26Z")

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\>Worf stood over Wesley’s nude body on the bed. “A Klingon boy of your age would have lived through that.”\<

Vaginal borg technology that allows 7 of 9 to assimilate men that way. (mmmmmm…)

7 of 9 as a Dominatrix: “Resistance is useless, but appreciated.”

or a realistic depiction of someone rapidly decompressing in an airlock. That should do it.

Ryker: So they we’re all sucked out into space…  
Data: “Blown out,” technically Sir.

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