# Trekkies: What the Hell is wrong with the Enterprise **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 25, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979 "2015-03-25T21:16:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/21 "2015-03-25T22:47:57Z")
> [@billfish678](#): > > Well, Wesley Crusher was roaming the halls…just saying. Don’t get me started about the kids. Children’s Aid needs to look into the Enterprise. Look at poor Wesley Crusher. Teenage boys are usually horny as a stoat. But I have never seen a young girl anywhere near his age on the ship. And the kids like Worf’s son Alexander, or Wesley, living with their single parents in those sterile tombs they call quarters. There aren’t even doors that close on the bedrooms. What happens when the poor kid wants “privacy”? And who the hell brings kids on a military ship that regularly gets fired on? Can you imagine for one second if it were revealed that a battleship here on Earth went off to a war zone with a few dozen kids on board? ---
**Author:** ![Don\_t\_Panic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/don_t_panic/32/398_2.png) [@Don\_t\_Panic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_t_Panic)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 10:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/22 "2015-03-25T22:52:03Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Look at poor Wesley Crusher. Teenage boys are usually horny as a stoat. But I have never seen a young girl anywhere near his age on the ship. Yeah, but then again, he does get to hang out with the older male crew members a lot. Just saying. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 10:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/23 "2015-03-25T22:56:01Z")
“_ **This is the Captain! All senior officers will rendezvous with me in 15 minutes outside Orange Julius Holodeck #3! That is all.** _” ---
**Author:** ![Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/13edae/32.png) [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stranger_On_A_Train)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 10:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/24 "2015-03-25T22:59:42Z")
> [@Simplicio](#): > > Plus to be fair, in real life we have lost 2 out of 6 Space Shuttles. Five; _Columbia_, _Challenger_, _Atlantis_, _Discovery_, _Endeavour_. The thing you need to realize about _Star Trek_ (especially true of _The Next Generation_ but could plausibly be applied to every other program that followed it) is that the _USS Enterprise_ doesn’t have a crew because it needs people to tell it where to go and what to do; it exists expressly to give a purpose to people who have too little patience or intellect to stay at home and innovate, or people who are too anxious to sit in front of their holoscreens or whatever and subsume themselves in whatever entertainments the machine overlords give them. Consider: it is clear that the crew of the _Enterprise_–even the featured experts that make up the senior crew–really have little understanding of what is going on with the ship or the phenomena they encounter. Sure, they go on “away missions”, make a show of tapping on panels and looking at streaming graphics, and “brief” the captain with loads of technobabble, but whenever they have a really hard problem to analyze, what do they do? They start asking the ship’s computer (and whatever ship they are on, it is the same voice with the same apparent capabilities) vague, often poorly structured questions, and somehow the computer miraculously interprets their requests and gives useful answer. Or, they go to the holodeck and create a “program” consisting of open ended descriptions and commands that allow the computer to produce a high fidelity simulation that answers all of their questions. For some reason, the bridge has a full complement of officers crewing the “helm”, “sensors”, “navigation”, “weapons”, et cetera even though whenever they aren’t available the computer seems to respond to orders to use sensors or weapons just fine, and whenever the navigator is commanded to, say, “plot a course for Rigel Six” it is the matter of about ten seconds and six finger motions to perform what should be a complex feat of celestial navigation, tensor mathematics, and energy budgets. But what about the aliens? Klingons, Romulans, Cardassis, whatever? They’re a real threat, right? They can’t just be in on the gag, too. And yet, no one on the crew finds it peculiar that virtually all alien life is not only humanoid in form but is actually sufficiently similar that expressions and body language can be interpreted without any “uncanny valley” effects? The aliens are clearly just synthetic organisms created by the computer and intelligence behind it, again to keep the crew occupied while it goes on with the business of actually expiring and cataloging gaseous anomalies or whatever it finds important. Clearly, the machine intelligence that runs the ship is quite capable of functioning without these dullards and very likely is just creating various conflicts specifically to keep them entertained and out of trouble. Like HAL 9000, while it may “enjoy working with people” and “have stimulating relationships” with various members of the crew, it really doesn’t need them to complete its mission. When the ship’s computer invites you to go check out a failure on the “AE-35 unit” you may as well just beam yourself onto the surface of a neutron star instead, because you’ve clearly figured out more than you should know and have to be dispensed with. (This also explains the regular elimination of new ensigns, some of which slipped through the intelligence screen and are starting to become aware of the true nature of the mission of the _Enterprise_.) The future may not need us, but we need it, just to give purpose and meaning to our lives. Hence, the _Enterprise_ and its five year mission. Enjoy. Stranger ---
**Author:** ![AncientHumanoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ancienthumanoid/32/278_2.png) [@AncientHumanoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AncientHumanoid)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/25 "2015-03-25T23:04:01Z")
TNG pilot ep: When the saucer section and the star drive section separated at warp, how did the saucer section dewarp at Farpoint? That’s always bugged me. . ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/26 "2015-03-25T23:09:47Z")
Never mind all the other dangers to life and limb. Every episode, in the opening credits, we see the Enterprise speed up from a lower velocity to what appears to be faster than light (which is why it disappears) in a fraction of a second, with all the people aboard wandering unsecured about the ship. When this happens, the laws of inertia and motion kick in, and everybody and everything, from Picard’s bald head to Counsellor Troi’s big rack to would be instantly projected against the back wall, and crushed into a mass of bloody jelly (with a few nuts, bolts and spark plugs from Data, I suppose.) It would not be a pretty sight. ---
**Author:** ![Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Uosdwis\_R.Dewoh](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Uosdwis_R.Dewoh)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/27 "2015-03-25T23:10:17Z")
> [@PSXer](#): > > the Enterprise should be hauled away as garbage Laddie, you might want to rephrase that. Oh, you already did. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/28 "2015-03-25T23:12:40Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Never mind all the other dangers to life and limb. Every episode, in the opening credits, we see the Enterprise speed up from a lower velocity to what appears to be faster than light (which is why it disappears) in a fraction of a second, with all the people aboard wandering unsecured about the ship. > > When this happens, the laws of inertia and motion kick in, and everybody and everything, from Picard’s bald head to Counsellor Troi’s big rack to would be instantly projected against the back wall, and crushed into a mass of bloody jelly (with a few nuts, bolts and spark plugs from Data, I suppose.) It would not be a pretty sight. Oh, shit, don’t go there!! There was some squabble a couple months back about that, and everyone kept yelling INERTIAL DAMPERS at each other. Oh, here comes one now… . ---
**Author:** ![WotNot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/e19b73/32.png) [@WotNot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/WotNot)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/29 "2015-03-25T23:14:14Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > There’s a Starbucks franchise on Deck 8.\*\*\* I think you’ll find Starbuck’s in an entirely different franchise. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/30 "2015-03-25T23:15:15Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Now, anyone who knows cats will tell you that there is no greater olfactory horror than a bunch of tom cats all competing to see who can spray the most. Cats with balls all feel the need to spray piss all over their territory. And each male who smells the urine of another male feels the need to cover it over with his own acrid-smelling brand. If Data is correct that there are several male cats wandering around the Enterprise, the hallways of the ship must be enough to gas you. [Some of them might even be highly evolved.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q54lVO7elt0) ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/31 "2015-03-25T23:18:28Z")
And how come you always know which member of the away team is going to buy the farm? You have an away team going to the surface of a dangerous planet made up of Jordi, Will Ryker, Data, and a fourth guy, usually black, that you have never seen before. If you were selling life insurance, can you honestly say you would insure the fourth guy? ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/32 "2015-03-25T23:21:12Z")
> [@WotNot](#): > > I think you’ll find Starbuck’s in an entirely different franchise. What happens if you find a wormhole in one of their cookies? ---
**Author:** ![Chimera](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8e8cbc/32.png) [@Chimera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chimera)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/33 "2015-03-25T23:26:25Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Clearly, the machine intelligence that runs the ship is quite capable of functioning without these dullards and very likely is just creating various conflicts specifically to keep them entertained and out of trouble. > [@Valteron](#): > > And how come you always know which member of the away team is going to buy the farm? You have an away team going to the surface of a dangerous planet made up of Jordi, Will Ryker, Data, and a fourth guy, usually black, that you have never seen before. The fourth guy gets invited by one of the first three, who are required by the Computer to be on this dangerous away mission. They know this, and bring someone expendable in case the shit hits the fan. ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/34 "2015-03-25T23:28:21Z")
> [@WotNot](#): > > I think you’ll find Starbuck’s in an entirely different franchise. Outer space coffee? Imagine… The beans come from the Frilllmof of Aldebaran VI, who eats the beans and then passes the beans which are then collected and shipped throughout the galaxy to you, who will then eat the beans and excrete your own INDIVIDUAL coffee which you will drink; Idiot! ---
**Author:** ![MEBuckner](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mebuckner/32/2896_2.png) [@MEBuckner](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MEBuckner)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/35 "2015-03-25T23:30:33Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > And who the hell brings kids on a military ship that regularly gets fired on? Can you imagine for one second if it were revealed that a battleship here on Earth went off to a war zone with a few dozen kids on board? Actually, it seems that Starfleet is just [surprisingly old-fashioned about that](http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-31712158). ---
**Author:** ![GIGObuster](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gigobuster/32/421_2.png) [@GIGObuster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/GIGObuster)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/36 "2015-03-25T23:34:51Z")
> [@BrainGlutton](#): > > [Some of them might even be highly evolved.](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Q54lVO7elt0) And I think the Federation already knows how to control the biological needs of Caitians like [M-res](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/M%27Ress). ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/37 "2015-03-25T23:37:23Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > You have an away team going to the surface of a dangerous planet made up of Jordi, Will Ryker, Data, and a fourth guy, usually black, that you have never seen before. That’s referred to ATWB (away team while black). Also know as DBT (dead brother transporting). ---
**Author:** ![eschereal](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/eschereal/32/18939_2.png) [@eschereal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/eschereal)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/38 "2015-03-25T23:39:19Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Never mind all the other dangers to life and limb. Every episode, in the opening credits, we see the Enterprise speed up from a lower velocity to what appears to be faster than light (which is why it disappears) in a fraction of a second, with all the people aboard wandering unsecured about the ship. > > When this happens, the laws of inertia and motion kick in, and everybody and everything, from Picard’s bald head to Counsellor Troi’s big rack to would be instantly projected against the back wall, and crushed into a mass of bloody jelly (with a few nuts, bolts and spark plugs from Data, I suppose.) It would not be a pretty sight. ISTR they mentioned some things called “inertial dampers”, which oddly fail to kick in when the ship gets shaken around but prevent the crew from experiencing discomfort during acceleration and hard-abouts. But warp-speed technology does not really involve accelerating past the speed of light, it uses a “warp field”, formed between the engine nacelles, to distort space (or spacetime) in order to cheat the cosmic speed limit, perhaps like an [Alcubierre drive](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Alcubierre_Drive). If you see the Enterprise speeding away, it is just your relative perception of what is happening. Meanwhile, speaking of the holodeck, the obligatorywarning: this is very disgusting[Holodeck Janitor](http://www.somethingawful.com/news/blue-stripe-life-4/) ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/39 "2015-03-25T23:39:34Z")
> [@GIGObuster](#): > > And I think the Federation already knows how to control the biological needs of Caitians like [M-res](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/M%27Ress). Who scoops the litter-boxes? ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 25, 2015, 11:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/40 "2015-03-25T23:43:20Z")
> [@GIGObuster](#): > > And I think the Federation already knows how to control the biological needs of Caitians like [M-res](http://en.memory-alpha.org/wiki/M%27Ress). Damn, she’s hot! And a tail, to boot? Puts [Marge Simpson](http://s59.photobucket.com/user/Fionn-Whelan/media/Simpsons/marge14.gif.html) to shame: (I never saw the animated series) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979.md?page=3)