# Trekkies: What the Hell is wrong with the Enterprise **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [March 25, 2015, 9:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979 "2015-03-25T21:16:33Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/81 "2015-03-26T16:16:14Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > For a little R&R in a Turkish harem I’d take those odds as long as the door locked from the inside. You are assuming that a Turkish harem is a den of sexy women who will ball you at the drop of a veil. There was a funny story in a German magazine about some German students visiting Turkey. They went to the home of a traditionalist Muslim carpet merchant. At one point he told them that the “harem” was beyond a certain door. He said the female students could visit, but not the males. The young girls rushed in expecting to see a room full of scantily-dressed young sex-pots, lounging on cushions and wishing they could have sex. What they found was an elderly woman of about the same age as the merchant, quietly reading a book. She entertained the young ladies with tea and cookies, and that was it. Turns out she was the merchant’s one and only wife. The “harem” was simply a little apartment she went to when she wanted to get away from the men. ---
**Author:** ![billfish678](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7bcc69/32.png) [@billfish678](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/billfish678)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/82 "2015-03-26T16:16:19Z")
How about holocopies of SDMB posters/members? I’ll be in holodeck bunk if anyone needs me. ---
**Author:** ![running\_coach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/running_coach/32/15836_2.png) [@running\_coach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/running_coach)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/83 "2015-03-26T16:19:30Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > That’s the worst! That anyone can apparently override your access and enter with you, not just for an emergency, but for any old reason at all. > > ETA: the holodeck should automatically disallow you from copying currently alive people, though. That is creeptastic. Holodeck necrophilia. I can dig it. ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/84 "2015-03-26T16:19:57Z")
> [@Anaamika](#): > > ETA: the holodeck should automatically disallow you from copying currently alive people, though. That is creeptastic. So if you found out some smelly cheese-dick creep was using the Holodeck to have sadistic sex with a holograph image of your deceased mother, you would be all right with that? ---
**Author:** ![Valteron](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/f17d59/32.png) [@Valteron](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Valteron)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/85 "2015-03-26T16:27:05Z")
> [@running\_coach](#): > > Holodeck necrophilia. I can dig it. There is even worse than necrophilia. Would the Holodeck allow pedophilic sex? Could a pedophile ask for sex with, say, the kid who posed for the Blue Boy? He is not currently alive, after all. The more you think about the Holodeck, the creepier it gets. ---
**Author:** ![Voyager](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/voyager/32/133_2.png) [@Voyager](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Voyager)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/86 "2015-03-26T16:48:42Z")
> [@Dale\_Sams](#): > > No seat belts. Exploding consoles. Shouldnt crew members wear some kind of face-guard in battle? Or at least be blue toothed into their console at a safe distance and give verbal commands rather than quaint button pushing? > > Then there’s the time where Picard was turned into a kid, and an hour later a handful of Ferengi captures a \*\*\*\*ing Galaxy Class starship. > > Or Picard beams down and Riker crashes the GD thing after a POS antiquated Klingon ship opens fire. > > Man, Riker squeezed that whole ‘saved the Earth from the Borg’ for all it was worth. I should also point out that except for Sisko, post-Kirk, every damn incarnation right up to the latest movies has featured our ‘heroes’ constantly being out-classed and getting the holy shit kicked out of their ships. > > Only GODS and God-like aliens could ever curb-stomp Kirk like that. Damn right. And the real Enterprise was a real p.o.s Transporters failed every five minutes. Any alien with access to a Radio Shack for five minutes could neutralize it. And they hadn’t figured out to establish an orbit outside the atmosphere yet. Despite all this, Kirk kicked ass and shtupped every eligible female within a 1,000 light years. He didn’t need no steenkin Holodeck. The only thing that doesn’t work on the Enterprise-D is the holodeck. I submit that this is not a hardware problem. Think of the poor holodeck computer having to watch what goes on in there. Wouldn’t it want to see most of the crew dead? I would. They’re lucky it doesn’t find Jesus or something. ---
**Author:** ![Aquadementia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/aquadementia/32/555_2.png) [@Aquadementia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aquadementia)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/87 "2015-03-26T17:51:59Z")
I’m struck by the brilliance of how control panels are laid out with colorful buttons each of which could perform any number of functions. Most of them aren’t crowded with distracting indicators, displays or alphanumeric keys. We are like cave men with a pocket calculator trying to figure out where the sticks and stones for counting are. > [@Valteron](#): > > This is not really about the Enterprise _per se_\* but one of the things I **CAN’T STAND** about Riker is the way he is so full of himself and the way he arrogantly barks at crew members who are obviously doing their best. > > The exchange is usually like this: > > Laforge: I think I can get the plasma condenser rerouted to the disitron calibration units, and that might give us enough power to shut down the reactor core before it explodes. But I only have one minute before the circuits melt down. > > Riker: All right, do it. And **HURRY**! > > Now at this point, if I were Laforge, I would not care if the whole friggin’ ship blows up. I would turn to that arrogant, bossy piece of shit and say, in my most sarcastic voice: "OOOOHHHHH, you recommend I hurry? Really? :rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: No shit, Sherlock! I just TOLD you I had a minute to keep us all from being blasted into space dust, but stupid me was going to lie down and take a 2-hour nap. I guess it took an upper ranks officer like you who pulls down a few hundred thousand bananas a year to figure out that I need to **HURRY**! Well DUH!!!:rolleyes::rolleyes::rolleyes: I guess I won’t take the time to read this comic book first, then. That ship is infested with counselors. If he didn’t put a fire under them they would stop off to talk about their feelings or muse about the prime directive. ---
**Author:** ![erysichthon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/d07c76/32.png) [@erysichthon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/erysichthon)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 5:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/88 "2015-03-26T17:53:54Z")
> [@Martian Bigfoot](#): > > No, really. You should see this for yourself. I don’t even know how to describe it… OK, fine. Are you sitting down? > … > Well, get up. [You really need to come down here and see this for yourself.](http://tvtropes.org/pmwiki/pmwiki.php/Main/NeverGiveTheCaptainAStraightAnswer) There’s one exception to that, which is also one of my favorite Trek moments. In “The Enemy Within” (TOS), the duplicate Kirk shoots a hole into something in the engine room when Spock neck-pinches him. Kirk and Spock apparently don’t bother to tell anyone about this grievous damage. In the next scene, Kirk, Spock, and McCoy and in sickbay having a lively debate about the nature of personality, when Engineer Scott calls on the intercom to say, _hey, I found a big fucking hole in the engine_, which he calmly describes in detail. Kirk silently absorbs this news with an _oh shit_ expression. Needless to say, he doesn’t go to the engine room to look at it. :smack: ---
**Author:** ![outlierrn](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/outlierrn/32/3005_2.png) [@outlierrn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/outlierrn)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/89 "2015-03-26T18:36:33Z")
The holodeck doesn’t need an anti-spank bank subroutine because everyone has a more evolved sensibility, they only make sweet sweet love in dignified positions with mutually self actualized partners. Except for broccoli, that mofo was sick. ---
**Author:** ![txtumbleweed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/278dde/32.png) [@txtumbleweed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/txtumbleweed)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 6:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/90 "2015-03-26T18:48:46Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > Okay Ethilrist, I sit corrected. Wesley did have a few young ladies around. But now that I recall, on the Planet of Scantily-Clad Jogging Aerobics Instructors, (the Planet Getcherrocksoff I believe) I found Wesley’s behaviour opened up a lot of questions in my mind. > > Here he is, a teenage boy who lives in a small apartment with his mother and doesn’t even have a door that closes on his bedroom. He gets beamed down to play unsupervised with a bunch of the hottest young bods this side of the Crab Louse nebula. A beautiful young girl his age proposes a “game”. So what does Wesley do? Does he react like any red-blooded teenager? When in Rome does he do as horny Romans do? No he is pathetic. He starts stammering and finding polite ways to decline. Then it turns out that the young lady had a ball game in mind (get \*\*your \*\*mind out of the gutter, I mean like baseball) and Wesley is immediately relieved. > > So what is with this kid? Is he gay? Are there any gay-straight alliances on Starships to help him accept himself? Is he a member of those dorky “virginity clubs” that right-wing fundie groups run in high schools? Wil Wheaton’s plot summary of that episode: [http://www.aoltv.com/2006/12/05/star-trek-the-next-generation-justice/](http://www.aoltv.com/2006/12/05/star-trek-the-next-generation-justice/) A highlight: > [@](#): > > The Edo’s leaders jog up and meet the away team, greeting them in the traditional Edo manner: lingering glances and inappropriately long hugs. Troi says, “I’m sensing a lot of boners, Commander.” > Before the Edo leaders will tell Riker how many people they can bring down from the Enterprise, they suggest that they “play at love.” Rivan, the woman, suggests that Worf play at love with her (Aside: if my memory serves me correctly, Michael Dorn and Brenda Bakke, who played Rivan, spent a little time, uh, playing, together during the production of this episode,) while Liator looks at Riker, jams his true desires deep into the closet, and asks Troi if she’ll play with him. Just before Sexual Harassment Panda shows up, Wesley Crusher says, “Dude, this is bullshit. Either hook me up with some fine Edo ass, or let me get away from you creepy middle-aged swingers and find it on my own.” > > Okay, maybe that’s not what he says, but it’s certainly what a certain actor who played Wesley Crusher was thinking at the time. What he actually says is, “Uh, erm, uh, I’m a weenie and I can’t be too close to this crazy hot woman who wants to go all Mrs. Robinson on me. Can you please take me to some kids my own age, so I can get as far away from the boobies as possible? It would be great if there was some sort of science project I could work on, and some technobabble I could deliver, too. I really need to be in my comfort zone, or at least change into some loose-fitting pants.” As Wil mentions later on: "Ah, Wesley may be able to save the ship, but he sure can’t save bad dialogue. ---
**Author:** ![Fear\_Itself](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fear_itself/32/19637_2.png) [@Fear\_Itself](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fear_Itself)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 6:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/91 "2015-03-26T18:54:35Z")
> [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](#): > > You know what’s wrong with the Enterprise? No coffee cup holders–anywhere on the whole blasted ship! What, they go through an entire 8 hour shift without a cuppa Joe? You don’t see the Romulans doing that! The Romulans don’t have [shapely yeomen to bring them coffee](http://tos.trekcore.com/hd/albums/1x10hd/thecorbomitemaneuverhd532.jpg) whenever they want it. ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/92 "2015-03-26T19:08:53Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Five; _Columbia_, _Challenger_, _Atlantis_, _Discovery_, _Endeavour_. “The three _surviving_ flight vehicles, Discovery, Atlantis and Endeavour, still bear these markings as museum displays.” ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/93 "2015-03-26T19:16:19Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > And how come you always know which member of the away team is going to buy the farm? You have an away team going to the surface of a dangerous planet made up of Jordi, Will Ryker, Data, and a fourth guy, usually black, that you have never seen before. > > If you were selling life insurance, can you honestly say you would insure the fourth guy? “Lets get out of here before one of those things kills Guy!” ---
**Author:** ![DrDeth](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b487fb/32.png) [@DrDeth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DrDeth)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/94 "2015-03-26T19:20:57Z")
> [@Sitnam](#): > > For a little R&R in a Turkish harem I’d take those odds as long as the door locked from the inside. Or a Turkish _prison_? 😛 ---
**Author:** ![ElvisL1ves](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/5daacb/32.png) [@ElvisL1ves](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ElvisL1ves)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/95 "2015-03-26T19:23:48Z")
With a holodeck, Wesley wasn’t limited to _movies_ about gladiators. ---
**Author:** ![Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e47c2d/32.png) [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Biffy_the_Elephant_Shrew)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/96 "2015-03-26T19:29:08Z")
> [@Fear\_Itself](#): > > The Romulans don’t have [shapely yeomen to bring them coffee](http://tos.trekcore.com/hd/albums/1x10hd/thecorbomitemaneuverhd532.jpg) whenever they want it. I love how astonished everyone looks. “You mean that ‘thermos’ contraption of yours has kept that coffee hot for _two hours_?” ---
**Author:** ![Macca26](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/13edae/32.png) [@Macca26](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Macca26)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 7:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/97 "2015-03-26T19:34:37Z")
> [@Valteron](#): > > The Enterprise must REEK of cat-piss. > > How do I know, you ask? > > Simple deduction. Data’s cat Spot was pregnant in one episode. Data clearly said that she had gotten out of his quarters on some occasions. (Apparently the same technology that can make force fields and tractor beams cannot invent something that would deny a cat egress from its usual quarters. But I digress.) > > Data says \*\*there are several cats \*\*(presumably unneutered toms) who might have sired the kittens. After reading this I realized that the Enterprise is in imminent danger of a [Catsplosion](http://dwarffortresswiki.org/index.php/v0.34:Catsplosion). Now I’m imagining building an enterprise in Dwarf Fortress… ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 8:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/98 "2015-03-26T20:36:55Z")
> [@Biffy\_the\_Elephant\_Shrew](#): > > I love how astonished everyone looks. “You mean that ‘thermos’ contraption of yours has kept that coffee hot for _two hours_?” IIRC, Yeoman [del]Aniston[/del] Rand heated up the coffee with a hand phaser. She so smart. ---
**Author:** ![Grestarian](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grestarian/32/3227_2.png) [@Grestarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grestarian)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/99 "2015-03-26T21:13:56Z")
> [@Stranger\_On\_A\_Train](#): > > Five; _Columbia_, _Challenger_, _Atlantis_, _Discovery_, _Endeavour_. > > The thing you need to realize about _Star Trek_ (especially true of _The Next Generation_ but could plausibly be applied to every other program that followed it) is that the _USS Enterprise_ doesn’t have a crew because it needs people to tell it where to go and what to do; it exists expressly to give a purpose to people who have too little patience or intellect to stay at home and innovate, or people who are too anxious to sit in front of their holoscreens or whatever and subsume themselves in whatever entertainments the machine overlords give them. > > Consider: it is clear that the crew of the _Enterprise_–even the featured experts that make up the senior crew–really have little understanding of what is going on with the ship or the phenomena they encounter. Sure, they go on “away missions”, make a show of tapping on panels and looking at streaming graphics, and “brief” the captain with loads of technobabble, but whenever they have a really hard problem to analyze, what do they do? They start asking the ship’s computer (and whatever ship they are on, it is the same voice with the same apparent capabilities) vague, often poorly structured questions, and somehow the computer miraculously interprets their requests and gives useful answer. Or, they go to the holodeck and create a “program” consisting of open ended descriptions and commands that allow the computer to produce a high fidelity simulation that answers all of their questions. > > For some reason, the bridge has a full complement of officers crewing the “helm”, “sensors”, “navigation”, “weapons”, et cetera even though whenever they aren’t available the computer seems to respond to orders to use sensors or weapons just fine, and whenever the navigator is commanded to, say, “plot a course for Rigel Six” it is the matter of about ten seconds and six finger motions to perform what should be a complex feat of celestial navigation, tensor mathematics, and energy budgets. > > But what about the aliens? Klingons, Romulans, Cardassis, whatever? They’re a real threat, right? They can’t just be in on the gag, too. And yet, no one on the crew finds it peculiar that virtually all alien life is not only humanoid in form but is actually sufficiently similar that expressions and body language can be interpreted without any “uncanny valley” effects? The aliens are clearly just synthetic organisms created by the computer and intelligence behind it, again to keep the crew occupied while it goes on with the business of actually expiring and cataloging gaseous anomalies or whatever it finds important. > > Clearly, the machine intelligence that runs the ship is quite capable of functioning without these dullards and very likely is just creating various conflicts specifically to keep them entertained and out of trouble. Like HAL 9000, while it may “enjoy working with people” and “have stimulating relationships” with various members of the crew, it really doesn’t need them to complete its mission. When the ship’s computer invites you to go check out a failure on the “AE-35 unit” you may as well just beam yourself onto the surface of a neutron star instead, because you’ve clearly figured out more than you should know and have to be dispensed with. (This also explains the regular elimination of new ensigns, some of which slipped through the intelligence screen and are starting to become aware of the true nature of the mission of the _Enterprise_.) > > The future may not need us, but we need it, just to give purpose and meaning to our lives. Hence, the _Enterprise_ and its five year mission. > > Enjoy. > > Stranger Readers’ Digest version: “Hmm…there was one other reason…” [the B Ark was sent before the A Ark ship.] “You guys are all a bunch of useless ninnies!” Arthur exclaimed. “Ah yes!” the Golgafrinchan captain nodded, “That was it!” –Douglas Adams The Hitchikers’ Guide to the Universe 😃 ---
**Author:** ![terentii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/terentii/32/212_2.png) [@terentii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/terentii)\ **Post date:** [March 26, 2015, 9:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979/100 "2015-03-26T21:49:17Z")
> [@AncientHumanoid](#): > > When the saucer section and the star drive section separated at warp, how did the saucer section dewarp at Farpoint? That’s always bugged me. That’s easy: The saucer section doesn’t have warp capability, just twin impulse engines in its stern. A better question might be: How the hell does the saucer manage to cleanly separate from the rest of the ship when it’s a warp speed? Better yet: How the hell to they expect the saucer to get to safety if it can’t outrun a warp-driven enemy vessel? (Yet another reason why Terran women and children are popular additions to slave markets across the galaxy: they’re so damned easy to capture!) Using the saucer as a lifeboat makes some sense, so long as you have a reasonable expectation of being rescued soon. If you think you’re gonna make it to a Star Base on your own any time in the near future, you got no business being in space. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979.md?page=4) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trekkies-what-the-hell-is-wrong-with-the-enterprise/715979.md?page=6)