# Truly smutty lines on broadcast TV **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [August 23, 2014, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296 "2014-08-23T15:54:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 8
**Author:** ![Tinker\_Grey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tinker_grey/32/8136_2.png) [@Tinker\_Grey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tinker_Grey)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/141 "2014-09-13T02:41:29Z")
Whose line is it anyway, about 20 seconds in: [- YouTube](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sOXioAKFamo) ---
**Author:** ![IvoryTowerDenizen](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ivorytowerdenizen/32/17937_2.png) [@IvoryTowerDenizen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/IvoryTowerDenizen)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 2:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/142 "2014-09-13T02:47:55Z")
90% of Whose Line works in this thread. ---
**Author:** ![A\_Dodgy\_Dude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a87d85/32.png) [@A\_Dodgy\_Dude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/A_Dodgy_Dude)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 2:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/143 "2014-09-13T02:56:30Z")
_Friends_ Season 1, episode 14: On Valentine’s Day, the dateless girls perform a cleansing ceremony at home: burning objects connected to bad dates. > [@](#): > > Phoebe: Next we need the semen of a righteous man. > Rachel: Uh, Pheebs? If we could get any of that, we wouldn’t be doing the ritual. ---
**Author:** ![Quint](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/76d3ee/32.png) [@Quint](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Quint)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 6:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/144 "2014-09-13T06:55:13Z")
From The Golden Girls: Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I’m sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn’t have been blindsided if you’d stayed in the pocket. Kevin Kelly: You know football? Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast. Kevin Kelly: Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it? Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we’ll just change this to ‘Ms. Zbornak eats shitake mushrooms.’ Still remember how shocked I was that they were able to say it in prime time. ---
**Author:** ![cochrane](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cochrane/32/10441_2.png) [@cochrane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cochrane)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 1:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/145 "2014-09-13T13:06:57Z")
I remember Dan on _Night Court_ giving the punchline for the joke about the novice priest asking the Mother Superior what a blow job was. “And the Mother Superior said, ‘20 bucks, same as downtown.’” ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [September 13, 2014, 7:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/146 "2014-09-13T19:22:28Z")
A lot of the non sequiters on Rowan and Martin were the (clean) punchlines to very dirty jokes. I remember, and correct me if I’m wrong, Dick Martin once saying, “Help me find my car keys and we’ll drive out of here.” ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [September 15, 2014, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/147 "2014-09-15T20:42:23Z")
Dharma gives a statue for the Duck Award to the couple who has sex in the strangest place. When her uptight in-laws end up having sex on the City Hall steps, she hands her MIL the statue. MIL: This isn’t a duck, it’s a goose. Why don’t you call it the Goose Award. Dharma: Cause goose doesn’t rhyme. ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [September 16, 2014, 1:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/148 "2014-09-16T01:14:20Z")
On the Simpsons episode when Homer becomes an astronaut, he calls up the white house after NASA can’t tell him where he can buy Tang. He then says “President Clinton? I figured if anyone knew where I could get some tang it would be you.” ---
**Author:** ![E-DUB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/e-dub/32/403_2.png) [@E-DUB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/E-DUB)\ **Post date:** [September 21, 2014, 11:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/149 "2014-09-21T23:58:56Z")
Don’t remember the show but it was broadcast TV. Male character is talking to attractive artist. She says “I have an opening this weekend.” He says, “I’d love to see your opening.” ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2014, 2:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/150 "2014-09-22T14:52:34Z")
> [@Quint](#): > > From The Golden Girls: > > Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I’m sorry about your knee. You know, you wouldn’t have been blindsided if you’d stayed in the pocket. > > Kevin Kelly: You know football? > > Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I know everything. Ah, I see some people have already signed your cast. > > Kevin Kelly: Uh, yeah, some of the guys from the team. Are you signing it? > > Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Correcting it. There is no K in victory. Oh yeah, and we’ll just change this to ‘Ms. Zbornak eats shitake mushrooms.’ > > Still remember how shocked I was that they were able to say it in prime time. I shouldn’t wonder. It \* sounds \* awful! ---
**Author:** ![dougie\_monty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/439d5e/32.png) [@dougie\_monty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dougie_monty)\ **Post date:** [September 22, 2014, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/151 "2014-09-22T14:55:27Z")
> [@terentii](#): > > I think this is from her feature film _ **Elvira, Mistress of the Dark** _. IIRC, she had just slipped off a ladder after “correcting” the spelling on a cinema marqee (and going from something like “How to Cook a Duck” to “How to Fuck”). > > On _ **Movie Macabre** _, she once had a European horror flick that bordered on soft-core porn. Just before the station break, she asked the audience “What do they call women in Portugal who like other women? Lis-beons?” 😕 That is a good enough pun to be forgiven even by TV censors. ---
**Author:** ![Beelzebubba](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Beelzebubba](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beelzebubba)\ **Post date:** [September 25, 2014, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/152 "2014-09-25T06:37:31Z")
One of my all-time favorite characters on a tv show was ‘Polly’ (the oversexed spa manager) on “Las Vegas”. The role was played by the brilliant Suzanne Whang and she stole every scene she appeared in. In the first episode of the 5th (and final) season, Tom Selleck joined the show to replace James Caan. His character bought the Montecito, the hotel/casino where the show is set, and Polly happened upon the new owner/boss before anyone else. She insisted on giving him a mani/pedi while they chat and get to know one another. He asks her how long she has been working there and she responds, “Seven year. Long enough to see lot of hot young girl turn into stinky old skank, you know. _ **Come in like a fresh young flower…now so stretched out down there, like throwing hot dog down hallway!** _” Hotdog down hallway…there’s a mental image! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![OffByOne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/45deac/32.png) [@OffByOne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OffByOne)\ **Post date:** [September 26, 2014, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/153 "2014-09-26T16:40:59Z")
Re: Laugh-In Allan Seuss played a tv sportscaster in a weekly skit, and always opened his spot saying, “Big Al here!” One episode, after making it known that Seuss would not be on that evening’s show, Mr. Martin steps in for the missing Allan, telling everyone, “Big Dick here!” ---
**Author:** ![jrbor76](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/9e8a1a/32.png) [@jrbor76](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jrbor76)\ **Post date:** [September 27, 2014, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/154 "2014-09-27T16:51:48Z")
Let’s face it, _Two and a Half Men_ is practically nothing _but_ smutty lines. But there was one in particular that I’m surprised the censors let through. Charlie’s latest conquest is a woman who bears more than a passing resemblance to Evelyn in looks, personality and mannerisms. Charlie is in denial about this, so everyone else confronts him. Berta makes a comment, something along the lines of: “The only difference between those two women is, you came out of one and you’re c–” which is all she can get out before Charlie defensively cuts her short. I’ll let you people fill in the blank. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2014, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/155 "2014-09-28T02:04:02Z")
[Ernie Kovaks clip](http://youtu.be/fSA5w2AZY0M) “Electrical oscillator on!” “Watch your language.” sneaking “asshole” past the censors ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [September 28, 2014, 6:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/156 "2014-09-28T06:37:04Z")
I don’t get it. How do you get asshole from that? ---
**Author:** ![BurnMeUp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/91b2a8/32.png) [@BurnMeUp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BurnMeUp)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2014, 7:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/157 "2014-09-29T19:40:02Z")
> [@Peter\_Morris](#): > > I don’t get it. How do you get asshole from that? it’s a stretch but I think they are meaning electrical-asshole-ater-on ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [September 29, 2014, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/158 "2014-09-29T20:10:47Z")
Probably apocryphal, but I heard this joke once: Q: What’s the 2nd dirtiest line on _Leave It To Beaver_? A: “Ward, don’t you think you were a little hard on the Beaver last night?” Q: What’s the most dirtiest? A: “I’m going upstairs to help the boys pack the fudge.” ---
**Author:** ![Cat\_Whisperer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cat_whisperer/32/4839_2.png) [@Cat\_Whisperer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cat_Whisperer)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2014, 12:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/159 "2014-10-02T00:46:33Z")
> [@Wheelz](#): > > _Friends_ had a lot of sexual humor without necessarily being graphic about it. \] [Joey and Janice’s Day of Fun!](http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=6i46R-sht0Q) “Does it have to be a whole day?” “Yes, that’s how long it takes to love me.” {Sotto voce} I know - I sleep in the next room." > [@Wolf333](#): > > The Friends muffin scene: > > [http://youtu.be/YYuhsAEmV-Y](http://youtu.be/YYuhsAEmV-Y) Before the muffin-licking line, while Chandler’s mouth is still full of muffin - “This guy goes down for, like, two years at a time?” > [@](#): > > Also from _Friends_: > > [How do expect me to grow if you won’t let me blow?](http://youtu.be/Oj7ePEu-ppM) I love the part where Ross sort of stutters to Rachel - “You…you know I don’t have a problem with that.” ---
**Author:** ![JMLVT68](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/a9a28c/32.png) [@JMLVT68](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JMLVT68)\ **Post date:** [October 2, 2014, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296/160 "2014-10-02T02:19:27Z")
> [@RivkahChaya](#): > > \ > I’m also a little amused, and still slightly uncomfortable at how often the word “shmuk” gets used. It gets used incorrectly to mean something more like “shmo,” or “nebbish,” but once and a while someone uses it correctly, and I feel like I’m six years old, because that was a word I was _ **NOT** _ permitted to say when I was a kid. That was a word you got your mouth washed out with soap for saying. It means someone who is despicable, and you are making no bones about it. It was as shocking when I was a kid as the word that refers to having sex with one’s maternal parent. More specifically, schmuck is Yiddish obscene slang for male genitalia. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296.md?page=7) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/truly-smutty-lines-on-broadcast-tv/696296.md?page=9)