# Trying to decide which of you I should kidnap
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share
**Created:** [May 24, 2026, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348 "2026-05-24T12:22:01Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/1 "2026-05-24T12:22:01Z")
Here’s the deal - I’m going to sneak up behind you, drop a sack over your head, and spirit you away to a secure location as I await the ransom payment from your family and/or friends.
What can I expect to get for you? The risk has to be worth the reward, of course. And please, don’t deliberately undervalue yourself - remember you are a worthy and valuable person!!!
No actual kidnapping will take place. No, really. I promise. This is just a drill.
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### Author:  [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/2 "2026-05-24T12:34:10Z")
I have life insurance. There’s no guarantee anyone is going to pay you to let me leave your evil clutches alive.
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/3 "2026-05-24T12:35:33Z")
Dang, I hadn’t considered that possibility. So I could end up stuck with you? (no offense…)
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### Author:  [@Tripler](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tripler)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/4 "2026-05-24T12:39:13Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#):
>
> What can I expect to get for you?
A short golf clap, a sigh of relief, and a hearty “_ **Thank you** _ for finally taking him off our hands!!”
Tripler
…and thats just from the FBI.
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### Author:  [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/5 "2026-05-24T12:40:56Z")
My wife will give you $50 to not return me.
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### Author:  [@scudsucker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scudsucker)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/6 "2026-05-24T12:42:55Z")
I’d choose Cecil himself, not because the teeming millions might each put a dollar towards ransom, but because until ransom is paid, i would learn so much I could break out of a life of crime.
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 1:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/7 "2026-05-24T13:23:34Z")
Kinda depends on how “persuasive” you can be with your victim.
If you can “persuade” them to make you their life insurance beneficiary, or empty their financial accounts into your BitCoin wallet, that’s one case. Choose whoever you think is richest.
OTOH, if you need to rely on family or friends doing the logistics of raising and delivering the ransom, you might prefer somebody who actually has family and friends so empowered. Which ain’t me. Hint hint.
I nominate **FairyChatDad**. He can’t run very fast, and you already know what / how to feed him. Best of all, unlike @Elmer_J.Fudd who only claims to have a yacht, we know **FCD** really does have one. So he must be rich. You’re probably already on all his accounts and will get his life insurance too, so no especial “persuasion” will be required.
The best crime is the easiest crime. 🤪
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/8 "2026-05-24T13:30:36Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> I nominate **FairyChatDad**.
Pfffft - I already have access to all his accounts and he has no idea how to get to them - he leaves all that to me. And apart from cousins in Indiana, the only family he has left is a younger brother living on less than $1000 SS and they barely talk, so nothing worth going after there. And our daughter has 2 kids, 2 cats, and a dog, so she can’t manage much ransom. So I’d end up paying myself - where’s the reward in that?
Sheesh, think before you make inane suggestions, dude! 😛
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### Author:  [@griffin1977](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/griffin1977)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/9 "2026-05-24T13:35:04Z")
Fun (totally true) fact my mother in law is a GRU trained sniper
And she is not taking on any more child care duties, just saying 😉
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### Author:  [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/10 "2026-05-24T15:13:31Z")
No one one has access to my vast holdings besides me. And my niece stands to inherit it all,and is quite poor, so good luck there.
So you will be stuck with me hanging out in the backyard. I make decent desert cocktails.
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### Author:  [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/11 "2026-05-24T15:16:23Z")
I doubt any of us are rich enough to carry kidnapping insurance, but that’s who you want to snatch. The person with a big company ready to bail them out with wads of cash.
(I assume one of the policy conditions is that you don’t tell anyone you have it, though, so it might be hard to pick the right victim.)
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 3:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/12 "2026-05-24T15:56:11Z")
Kidnapping insurance? I had no idea… Is it to pay the ransom or hire a private eye to find the victim?
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### Author:  [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/13 "2026-05-24T16:01:16Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#):
>
> What can I expect to get for you?
I think kidnapping me would be a ‘ransom of Red Chief’ situation. You’d have to pay to get rid of me.
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### Author:  [@LSLGuy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LSLGuy)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/14 "2026-05-24T16:05:07Z")
> [@Si\_Amigo](#):
>
> I make decent desert cocktails.
I like my martinis dry, but not _that_ dry. 🤪
Although you do hail from the arid Southwest, so maybe you meant that and I’m the one goofing up here. 🙂
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### Author:  [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/15 "2026-05-24T16:19:46Z")
> [@RTFirefly](#):
>
> You’d have to pay to get rid of me.
This isn’t working out at all as I’d hoped. Suddenly I’m flashing on Bette Midler in _Ruthless People_ - “I’ve been kidnapped by K-Mart!!”
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### Author:  [@enipla](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/enipla)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/16 "2026-05-24T16:23:24Z")
> [@LSLGuy](#):
>
> I like my martinis dry, but not _that_ dry. 🤪
Shaken, not stired. Don’t mess with Ms.Bond. She will find you.
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### Author:  [@needscoffee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/needscoffee)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/17 "2026-05-24T16:30:32Z")
> [@puzzlegal](#):
>
> (I assume one of the policy conditions is that you don’t tell anyone you have it, though, so it might be hard to pick the right victim.)
We have it where I work. This isn’t a stipulation in the policy. I think common sense would tell the potential victim not to brag about it.
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### Author:  [@puzzlegal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/puzzlegal)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/18 "2026-05-24T16:33:33Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#):
>
> Kidnapping insurance? I had no idea… Is it to pay the ransom or hire a private eye to find the victim?
Both. You get an experienced negotiator who is authorized to pay ransom.
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### Author:  [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/19 "2026-05-24T17:47:57Z")
My only surviving immediate family member is my brother, and he’s broke. He might offer to pray for you, if he responds at all. Maybe my dog would miss me, but he’s easily won over with food.
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### Author:  [@ricepad](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ricepad)
#### Post date: [May 24, 2026, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/20 "2026-05-24T17:51:51Z")
I’m not worth much. I’m overweight, so carrying me around will be a problem - and you will have to carry me, because I’ll go limp on you from the beginning. Plus I talk and complain a lot, so you’ll soon feel like paying my family to take me back.
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