# Trying to decide which of you I should kidnap **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [May 24, 2026, 12:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348 "2026-05-24T12:22:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![penultima\_thule](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/penultima_thule/32/3833_2.png) [@penultima\_thule](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/penultima_thule)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 3:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/41 "2026-05-25T03:26:44Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > spirit you away to a secure location as I await the ransom payment from your family Having discussed this with my family, their collective view is that it is essential that any sack used is secured firmly with a heavy duty zip-lock tie … and if you don’t have one they can provide you with several fit for the purpose. ---
**Author:** ![Reeses\_Monkey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/reeses_monkey/32/2885_2.png) [@Reeses\_Monkey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reeses_Monkey)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 4:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/42 "2026-05-25T04:30:53Z")
My husband would gladly send you my blue heeler, Crocodile. Notice I say _my_ heeler, not our heeler. Croc loves me and barely tolerates anyone else. ---
**Author:** ![scabpicker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scabpicker/32/8268_2.png) [@scabpicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scabpicker)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 5:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/43 "2026-05-25T05:01:11Z")
I’m pretty sure my wife could scrape together a million or so in cash, and she does seem pretty attached to me. Trust me, I’m enough of a pain in the ass that you will feel ripped off. ---
**Author:** ![Karen\_Lingel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/karen_lingel/32/18649_2.png) [@Karen\_Lingel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Karen_Lingel)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 5:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/44 "2026-05-25T05:09:13Z")
If the secure location is quiet and has reliable Wi-Fi, and I get fed twice a day, I might be willing to volunteer… ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 5:16am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/45 "2026-05-25T05:16:29Z")
> [@Karen\_Lingel](#): > > If the secure location is quiet and has reliable Wi-Fi, and I get fed twice a day, I might be willing to volunteer… I feel like you aren’t getting the whole kidnap/ransom/reward dynamic that @FairyChatMom is going for. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 11:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/46 "2026-05-25T11:47:54Z")
Yeah, sheesh, I’m not looking for a houseguest… 🙄 > [@scabpicker](#): > > I’m pretty sure my wife could scrape together a million or so in cash, and she does seem pretty attached to me. I can’t help feeling like this is a sting or something. How do I know you’re a trustworthy potential victim?? ---
**Author:** ![ThelmaLou](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thelmalou/32/390_2.png) [@ThelmaLou](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ThelmaLou)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/47 "2026-05-25T12:30:58Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > > [@ThelmaLou](#): > > > > I have no kids, no siblings, and no family to speak of. And I can be a real PITA. Probably not a good candidate. > > I think you’ve found your target @FairyChatMom. > > ThelmaLou doth protest too much. I’m guessing she’s a well loved heiress to a massive fortune. @FairyChatMom If you decide to do it, give me a heads up so I can send you a list of my snack requirements. And the two cats need to come, too. I’ll let you know what brands/flavors they like. Do you get Peacock? I’m currently rewatching all of _Law & Order: Criminal Intent_, my fave L&O. That Bobby Goren, gotta love him. I’ll bring my laptop so I can keep up with the SDMB. 🤓 ---
**Author:** ![Filbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/filbert/32/3433_2.png) [@Filbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Filbert)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/48 "2026-05-25T12:43:23Z")
@FairyChatMom Having you considered just opening a hotel? It sounds like you’d achieve almost exactly the same result and it sounds like most Dopers will happily just kidnap themselves, save you the bother. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/49 "2026-05-25T12:47:20Z")
Same result?? How is becoming an innkeeper the same as raking in cash ransoms?? Sounds like work rather than wallowing is monetary bliss. Maybe a life of crime isn’t for me… ---
**Author:** ![susan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/susan/32/17537_2.png) [@susan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/susan)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/50 "2026-05-25T12:49:06Z")
It’s a losing battle. Everyone knows how comfy your basement is and how cute the grands are. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/22080_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/51 "2026-05-25T12:51:27Z")
You’re not helping!! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 12:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/52 "2026-05-25T12:55:25Z")
I don’t want to put nasty ideas into your head but people get less keen on remaining kidnapped when you mention “bolt cutters” and “toes“ in the same sentence. Just sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![Steven\_Maven](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steven_maven/32/3272_2.png) [@Steven\_Maven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steven_Maven)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 2:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/53 "2026-05-25T14:37:49Z")
After you held me for one week you would contact my family again and ask them how much you would have to pay THEM for returning me. ---
**Author:** ![Si\_Amigo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/si_amigo/32/2877_2.png) [@Si\_Amigo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Si_Amigo)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 4:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/54 "2026-05-25T16:10:41Z")
I would pay @FairyChatMom not to cut off her toes with a bolt cutter. Just sayin’. ---
**Author:** ![Railer13](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/railer13/32/9742_2.png) [@Railer13](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Railer13)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 4:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/55 "2026-05-25T16:19:15Z")
I think I’d be a prime candidate right now, but as of tomorrow, our assets will be moved into a trust, so Ms. Railer will have access to all our money. She would welcome not having a big lazy lug hanging around the house. The papers will be signed at 1:00 CT Tuesday afternoon. Better hurry. ---
**Author:** ![salinqmind1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/958977/32.png) [@salinqmind1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/salinqmind1)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 4:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/56 "2026-05-25T16:26:37Z")
You won’t get squat from anyone. It’s not like I have a big jolly loving family and a horde of caring friends to toss a few bucks in the passed-around hat. You might be better off selling my obese sweating carcass to illegal organ procurers who will disassemble me for parts. ---
**Author:** ![scabpicker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scabpicker/32/8268_2.png) [@scabpicker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scabpicker)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 5:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/57 "2026-05-25T17:21:25Z")
> [@FairyChatMom](#): > > I can’t help feeling like this is a sting or something. How do I know you’re a trustworthy potential victim?? Wait, you want a guarantee that you’ll get paid? > [@FairyChatMom](#): > > Maybe a life of crime isn’t for me… Yeah, maybe so. It’s more of a “you pays your nickel and you takes your chances” affair. For all we know, I might accidentally burn down your house making toast or something. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 6:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/58 "2026-05-25T18:35:58Z")
::does search for “Red Chief” in this thread:: I see it’s already been cited, carry on. ---
**Author:** ![dtilque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/d6d6ee/32.png) [@dtilque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dtilque)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/59 "2026-05-25T18:51:54Z")
> [@Moriarty](#): > > I think my cat might raise a fuss when she realized she was missing dinner. Same here x2 (I have two cats). > [@Moriarty](#): > > But I don’t know that she’d have much to offer. > > Would you take a dead lizard? My cats are indoor only, so they have no way to get a lizard. They do, however, do a fairly decent job of keeping the insect population under control in this place. So would you accept a dead fly or two? ---
**Author:** ![dwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwyr/32/363_2.png) [@dwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwyr)\ **Post date:** [May 25, 2026, 10:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348/60 "2026-05-25T22:26:21Z")
I have several siblings and I think they like me. Maybe. But most of our excess income is invested in Lego. Do you like to build things? [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-decide-which-of-you-i-should-kidnap/1030348.md?page=4)