# Trying to pick up a friendship, a jealous person is trying to stop me. **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 13, 2005, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348 "2005-12-13T01:33:03Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 12\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 1:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/1 "2005-12-13T01:33:03Z")
When I went to high school, I became friends with a staff member named Judy. She was the librainan and I’d often spend my free time in there chatting with her about all sorts of different topics.We were good friends. When I went to College, I stayed in touch and tried to come by whenever possible. However, about a year ago, things got busy and I was unable to come by to see her. I lost her phone number and couldn’t find it again. With class out until january, I decided I’d best take the opputunity to make contact again and renew our friendship. I found her number last night and called today. I didn’t get her, I got her husband, John. I asked if she was there, and said who I was when he asked. He said: “She’s moved on with her life. If you get my drift” It sounded to me that he was implying that I’d best not call again. I hung up, knowing I wasn’t going to get through to her if she was there. And I don’t believe for a moment that he is going to mention to her that I called. When I was friends with her, I got the impression her husband didn’t like me being her friend and spending time as a friend with her. I rarely talked to him in person and he’s spoken to me this way before on the phone. She is old enough to be my mother and I have never had any intention of trying to be anything more then a friend. I am not some incredibly rich and handsom person with a great job and a nice house and car. I’ve never thought of making a move on her, so I still have no clue why her husband is so threatened by me. I was wrong to let our friendship lapse, but I doubt she’d just decide she never wanted to talk to me again. If she does, I want to hear it from her, not her husband who doesn’t seem entirely rational about this situation. If she says it, I’l respect it. Am I wrong here? Of course, the tough part is contacting her. If I leave a message on her machine, there’s a decent enough chance she’ll never hear it. As I said, I doubt her husband will let me speak to her if he picks up the phone. She no longer works at the high school I went to and I have no idea where she works. I know where she lives but dropping in unexpectadly could cause problems. I’m not sure what to do. I know I don’t want to give up trying to regain our friendship, even if her husband hates the idea. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/2 "2005-12-13T01:47:28Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > I know where she lives but dropping in unexpectadly could cause problems. Why not drop her a brief note, letting her know that you’d like to renew the friendship and giving her your contact information? That puts the ball in her court. You just have to hope that hubby doesn’t read her mail too. ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/3 "2005-12-13T03:28:22Z")
> [@HPL](#): > > When I went to College, I stayed in touch and tried to come by whenever possible. However, about a year ago, things got busy and I was unable to come by to see her. I lost her phone number and couldn’t find it again. Read this. Then read it again. What makes you so sure she _hasn’t_ decided to never talk to you again, when you’re the only one who was keeping up the friendship to begin with? ---
**Author:** ![Finagle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/b19c9b/32.png) [@Finagle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Finagle)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 3:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/4 "2005-12-13T03:55:38Z")
Right time of year for this. Send a holiday card with a postscript, “Hey, here’s my e-mail address and contact info – let me know what you’re up to.” Ball’s in her court. ---
**Author:** ![Menocchio](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Menocchio](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Menocchio)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/5 "2005-12-13T05:11:46Z")
Are you really sure you want to deal with jealous husband if he’s the price you ahve to pay to be friends? Are you sure you want to ask her to deal with him? Really? ---
**Author:** ![Emily\_Litella](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emily_litella/32/3370_2.png) [@Emily\_Litella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emily_Litella)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/6 "2005-12-13T05:35:27Z")
Just a thought - When her husband said she moved on with her life, maybe you didn’t get his drift? Is it possible that she left him, moved out, asked for a divorce? Are you sure she still lives with him? Especially since she has a different job too? If that is the case, or if you can’t find out, send a holiday card, if she did move, the post office should forward it. ---
**Author:** ![John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/2bfe46/32.png) [@John\_Carter\_of\_Mars](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/John_Carter_of_Mars)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 5:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/7 "2005-12-13T05:39:08Z")
Pursuing the matter may make it very tough on her. If her husband’s the jealous sort, do you think she’ll have a good day when he learns you’ve tried to contact her again? The considerate thing to do may be to just fade out of the picture. ---
**Author:** ![TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tellmei_mnotcrazy/32/3419_2.png) [@TellMeI\_mNotCrazy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TellMeI_mNotCrazy)\ **Post date:** [December 13, 2005, 7:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/8 "2005-12-13T07:21:38Z")
Did she ever do the contacting? Does she have contact information for you? I’m thinking if you didn’t call her for a year - and never got a call from _her_ asking whether everything was okay, etc., then that may very well be a clue in itself that she doesn’t have a lot of interest in continuing the friendship, regardless of her reasons. ---
**Author:** ![HPL](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/3da27b/32.png) [@HPL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HPL)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/9 "2005-12-14T00:17:56Z")
I want to thank everyone for their suggestions. You’ve given me a lot to think about. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/10 "2005-12-14T05:57:07Z")
Just tell her husband you’re gay. Then give him a nice little pat on the rump for realism. ---
**Author:** ![ms.deanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/b3f665/32.png) [@ms.deanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ms.deanna)\ **Post date:** [December 14, 2005, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/11 "2005-12-14T14:22:14Z")
> [@Misnomer](#): > > Read this. Then read it again. > > What makes you so sure she _hasn’t_ decided to never talk to you again, when you’re the only one who was keeping up the friendship to begin with? ``` Ouch! Give that boy a band-aid. I agree with that, though ``` ---
**Author:** ![mischievous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/c2a13f/32.png) [@mischievous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mischievous)\ **Post date:** [December 15, 2005, 1:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/trying-to-pick-up-a-friendship-a-jealous-person-is-trying-to-stop-me/335348/12 "2005-12-15T01:07:18Z")
Not to be a contrarian in this thread, because I think it’s possible that someone who doesn’t contact you for over a year may not be interested in your contact, but the kind of jealous, aggressive behavior you’re seeing in the husband rings all kinds of alarm bells for me. It’s possible that: (1) Either she or her husband has interpreted your friendship as unwanted (by her) romantic attention. They are both interested in having you gone, and she’s copping out by letting her husband do the talking. In this case, you should dissappear. or (2) He is controling and potentially abusive, and, like most abusers, is trying to isolate his wife from friends that might support her. In which case, you should try and make contact, but not piss off the husband further. I’d try calling back at various times to see if she ever answers the phone. If she doesn’t want to see you anymore, it won’t hurt her unduly to tell you so. (Respect her wishes!) If she’s in a bad place, she’ll know she has you as a friend. mischievous