# Twin parents: do people ask you if you used fertility drugs; if so, what do you say? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 28, 2006, 8:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117 "2006-11-28T20:17:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 10\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Auntbeast](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Auntbeast](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Auntbeast)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2006, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/21 "2006-11-29T20:15:47Z")
I read an article today about the drink Brandy Alexander. It has been, since about the 20’s considered a drink that causes babies. Now that I think about it, if I have twins, I think that is what I’d name 'em. 🙂 Really, I’d probably respond with the tequila comment. It’s a funny way to deflect an answer you may not want to give. My daughter was born 15 months ago, when asked “When are you going to have another one?” My response is “I dunno, are you offering?” Because the real reason I’m not pregnant yet, or comfortable being pregnant yet, is far beyond the scope of casual conversation and I realize that it is just a question, not an interrogation. I’m not so unkind to be able to lash out at someone who really means no harm. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2006, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/22 "2006-11-29T21:38:16Z")
[QUOTE=Scarlett67] Even then, very marginally, and I’d hardly call asking intrusive questions “scientific inquiry.” There are other sources for information about fertility drugs (library, the Internet, you own doctor) besides asking people personal questions whose answers are none of your business. If you want personal stories, there are probably lots of forums like this one where you can ask such a question and let people choose to answer it (likely anonymously, as here) rather than dropping a bomb on someone who may or may not want to discuss it with you. There are reasons for HIPAA; this is a private matter. (Not saying that HIPAA applies here, just that it demonstrates that people don’t want their medical info all over the place.) The fact of the child’s birth is public and that is all. I have close friends who have adopted an older child out of less-than-ideal situations. That’s the extent of what I know about the matter, and I’m not about to go asking them whether the child had been abused, are his birth parents dead or drug dealers or what, does he talk about his previous life at all, or whatever just to “make conversation.” It’s none of my business. If they choose to volunteer this information, that’s their choice, but it would be incredibly rude of me to ask. All that matters is that he has new parents and they are all very happy about it. [/QUOTE] But not everyone considers these questions intrusive. There are many strangers who are happy to talk in great detail about their fertility treatments or their adoption or their hernia operations or their sex lives. You don’t know if the person you are asking considers the question invasive until you ask. If they do, you apologize and move on. You may be in the early stages of considering fertility treatment and your doctor may be a GP who is going to refer you to someone out of a hat (I love the referrals my GP gives me “lets see whose business card I’ve collected.”) You may want the name of an RE and the best place to get that may be from someone local who successfully conceived. You may not be comfortable with the internet - for some people the very anonimity of the situation makes it suspect - at least if I ask you in the grocery store, I see your face. ---
**Author:** ![Scarlett67](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/scarlett67/32/7387_2.png) [@Scarlett67](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scarlett67)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2006, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/23 "2006-11-29T22:17:02Z")
[QUOTE=Dangerosa] There are many strangers who are happy to talk in great detail about their fertility treatments or their adoption or their hernia operations or their sex lives. [/quote] Yet if those same strangers are discussing these things loudly on a cell phone on the bus, we’re all offended. Might be a connection there. > [@](#): > > You don’t know if the person you are asking considers the question invasive until you ask. If they do, you apologize and move on. Or you avoid the chance of offense by not bringing it up at all. Sure, you can apologize, but the horse is already out of the barn. Fertility is such an intensely personal and painful subject for many people that it seems too risky to broach if you don’t know whether you’ll offend. > [@](#): > > You may be in the early stages of considering fertility treatment and your doctor may be a GP who is going to refer you to someone out of a hat [. . .] You may want the name of an RE and the best place to get that may be from someone local who successfully conceived. Maybe, but some stranger doesn’t owe you that information, and it still seems presumptuous to me to go asking (especially in the case of the OP, when you’re making possibly unwarranted assumptions in the first place). At best, I might be OK with a preliminary “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question about your babies?” rather than just blatting the nosy question right out. ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2006, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/24 "2006-11-29T22:48:52Z")
> [@Aunt Beast](#): > > My daughter was born 15 months ago, when asked “When are you going to have another one?” My response is “I dunno, are you offering?” Because the real reason I’m not pregnant yet, or comfortable being pregnant yet, is far beyond the scope of casual conversation and I realize that it is just a question, not an interrogation. I’m not so unkind to be able to lash out at someone who really means no harm. I have a friend who is about 6 months pregnant with a baby who may not survive to term, and will not live more than a couple of hours after birth. She tells me that she’s at that stage of pregnancy where people look at her tummy, look at her face, look at her tummy again, in a way which means “Are you pregnant?” The expected response is “I’m due in January”–which then might lead into a casual (not too intrusive) discussion of whether she wants a boy or a girl, how her existing children will react . . . But baby isn’t healthy, and she knows it, and doesn’t want to depress total strangers by dumping on them, and so she ignores the looks. She’s not yet pregnant enough for people to have started actually asking her when the baby is due, but she’s headed that way. ---
**Author:** ![fessie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/c37758/32.png) [@fessie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/fessie)\ **Post date:** [November 29, 2006, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/25 "2006-11-29T23:06:59Z")
I find birth questions more personal than fertility. It surprises me somewhat that fertility issues are so “personal” - I thought we were past the notion that being infertile is some kind of big “defect”, but apparently some people do feel that way. It’s funny, though, b/c we just met FIL’s new girlfriend, and within a few hours she and I were talking about our pregnancies and birth experiences - just one of those things women do. ---
**Author:** ![Kalhoun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/3bc359/32.png) [@Kalhoun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kalhoun)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2006, 12:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/26 "2006-11-30T12:00:20Z")
I get that people are sensitive to these questions, so I don’t actually ask them. But I still wonder why they feel that way. As Fessie said, the “personal defect” thing seems rather antiquated. I will, however, ask if a pair of twins is fraternal or identical. I find the whole twin thing fascinating. ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2006, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/27 "2006-11-30T12:15:23Z")
You could try answering: “No, in fact quite the contrary; we were going at it a bit rough and the condom broke” ---
**Author:** ![Emilio\_Lizardo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/898d66/32.png) [@Emilio\_Lizardo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emilio_Lizardo)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2006, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/28 "2006-11-30T13:39:13Z")
[QUOTE=Kalhoun] I will, however, ask if a pair of twins is fraternal or identical. [/QUOTE] A surprising number of people ask me that too. Since the twins are a boy and a girl, I usually am too dumbfounded by this question to give a snappy retort. [QUOTE=Mangetout] You could try answering: “No, in fact quite the contrary; we were going at it a bit rough and the condom broke” [/QUOTE] That is far too close to the truth for me to ever use as an answer! ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2006, 3:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/29 "2006-11-30T15:44:42Z")
I’ve only had a couple people ask me if my twins were “natural.” The question I get far more often is, “Do twins run in your family?” and then I’m faced with deciding whether to tell this complete stranger that no, it was because I’m old. :smack: I’m not really offended by the question, but it is kind of personal and awkward. ---
**Author:** ![SlowMindThinking](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dc4da7/32.png) [@SlowMindThinking](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SlowMindThinking)\ **Post date:** [November 30, 2006, 4:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117/30 "2006-11-30T16:42:41Z")
[QUOTE=Emilio Lizardo] A surprising number of people ask me that too. Since the twins are a boy and a girl, I usually am too dumbfounded by this question to give a snappy retort. [/QUOTE] It is stunning how little people (maybe just Americans) know, which might explain the reluctance to accept evolution. We were repeatedly asked that, and our girls don’t look much alike. For one thing, one has curly hair and one has straight. Their heads are shaped different, also. Finally one woman said, “But, I thought same sex twins had to be identical!” I understood. And she at least knew that identical twins have to be the same sex. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twin-parents-do-people-ask-you-if-you-used-fertility-drugs-if-so-what-do-you-say/382117.md?page=1)