# Twisted Christmas Carols **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2002, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671 "2002-12-05T10:51:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/1 "2002-12-05T10:51:51Z")
“In the meadow we can build a snowman And pretend that he is Parson Brown He’ll say ‘Are you married?’ We’ll say, ‘No, man But I’ll just !@#$ her here right on the ground!’” “In the meadow we can burn a village We can burn it right down to the ground We can burn and then we’ll rape and pillage Or is it the other way around?” And a partial one from an old college buddy (either I don’t remember it all or he didn’t complete it): “Dad’s nuts roasting on an open fire…Pit bulls nipping at your nose…Grandma hanging from piano wire…For kids who’re beaten black-and-blue…Though it’s been said many times, many ways/Merry Christmas/Up yours!” Anyone care to contribute? ---
**Author:** ![False\_God](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/ee7513/32.png) [@False\_God](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/False_God)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 10:54am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/2 "2002-12-05T10:54:53Z")
“Times are tough/ Life is hard/ Here’s your fucking/ Christmas card” From a friend of mine who was under observation and lots of Lithium that year. She’s a lawyer now. ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 11:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/3 "2002-12-05T11:01:36Z")
I used to have a tape of Chrsistmas carols by a band called the Scruff Merchants. Some of the song titles were I saw Mummy shagging Santa Claus On the first day of Christmas my true love did to me It’s a Silent night, and the weather is shite. I’m dreaming of a Shite Christmas sometimes I really wish I still had that album. ---
**Author:** ![CalMeacham](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/calmeacham/32/35_2.png) [@CalMeacham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CalMeacham)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 12:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/4 "2002-12-05T12:57:16Z")
A friend of mine had an album called “A Twisted Christmas” . I never saw who did it, but it had things like “Walking 'Round in Women’s Underwear” to the tune of “Walking in a Winter Wonderland” (“In the meadow we can build a snowman/ and pretend that he is Murphy Brown”. Which really dates this tape.) ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/5 "2002-12-05T13:01:34Z")
Made up by a high school classmate: Hark! The hare-lipped angels sing! Nuuuu-nuuuu-nuuuu, nuu-nuuu-nuu-nuuuuuu! ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/6 "2002-12-05T13:11:13Z")
Let’s see, in grade school we had: “Hark the herald angels shout, three more days till we get out. No more pencils, no more books, no more teachers dirty looks. Throw your homework in the well, tell the teacher -go to hell…” Then one I never understood, but everyone seemed to know: “We three kings of orient are, tried to smoke a rubber cigar, it was loaded, it exploded… We two kings of orient are…” And of course : [Nelson Muntz] Joy to the world! The teacher’s dead! We barbequed her head! What happened to her body? We flushed it down the potty! And round and round it goes And round and round it goes… [/Nelson Muntz] ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/7 "2002-12-05T13:39:10Z")
Deck the halls with gasoline, fa la la la la, la la la la Strike a match and watch it gleam! fa la la la la, la la la la. Watch the school burn down to ashes fa la la, la la la, la la la Aren’t you glad you played with matches? fa la la la la, la la la la! ---
**Author:** ![Rilchiam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/2bfe46/32.png) [@Rilchiam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rilchiam)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/8 "2002-12-05T13:44:35Z")
Excellente! Keep ‘em comin’! ---
**Author:** ![DoctorJ](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doctorj/32/2904_2.png) [@DoctorJ](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DoctorJ)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/9 "2002-12-05T13:51:29Z")
I heard one several years ago called “The Restroom Door Said Gentlemen.” It was back in high school, so I don’t remember much of the lyrics, but it was about some guy mistakenly wandering into the ladies room and getting attacked. Now he “cannot sit with comfort and joy.” ---
**Author:** ![TwistofFate](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/cdc98d/32.png) [@TwistofFate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TwistofFate)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 1:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/10 "2002-12-05T13:59:21Z")
The restroom door said “Gentleman” And so I walked inside, I took two steps and realized I’d been taken for a ride, I heard high voices, turned and found the place was occupied, By two nuns, three old ladies and a nurse, What could be worse Than two old nuns, three old ladies and a nurse… The restroom door said “gentlemen” It must have been a gag, As soon as I walked in there I saw an old hag, She sprayed me with a can of mace And slapped me with her bag, I could tell this just wouldn’t be my day, What can I say? This just wasn’t turning out to be my day… The restroom door said “gentlemen” And I would like to find, That crummy little creep Who had the nerve to switch the sign, 'Cause I have two black eyes And one big bruise on my behind, So I can’t sit with comfort and joy Boy, oh boy, No, I’ll never sit with comfort and joy. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Reuben](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/54ee81/32.png) [@Reuben](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Reuben)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/11 "2002-12-05T14:19:35Z")
You want the album Kev’s Kristmas by Kevin Bloody Wilson. My personal favourite from that opus is “Ho Ho Fuckin’ Ho”; the title alone summing up my private opinion of the festive season. Lyrics are [here](http://groups.google.com/groups?hl=en&lr=&ie=UTF-8&oe=UTF-8&selm=397B87C7.C8488DF9%40CeLTS.monash.edu.au). And who could forget **Hey Santa Claus You C** \*\*\*, a _very_ rude and famous song written and performed by the same guy. ---
**Author:** ![h.sapiens](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e0b2c6/32.png) [@h.sapiens](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/h.sapiens)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/12 "2002-12-05T14:35:19Z")
What about the all-time classic: Jingle bells, Batman smells, Robin laid an egg. The Batmobile lost a wheel and the Joker got away, Hey! ---
**Author:** ![Ayesha](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c0e974/32.png) [@Ayesha](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ayesha)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/13 "2002-12-05T14:48:20Z")
Oh Tommy Toad, Oh Tommy Toad why are you laying in the road ? Oh Tommy Toad, Oh Tommy Toad why are you laying in the road ? You did not see the car ahead, now on your back are tire treads. Oh Tommy Toad, Oh Tommy Toad why are you laying in the road ? Oh Tommy Toad, Oh Tommy Toad why are you laying in the road ? ---
**Author:** ![NE\_Texan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e99b99/32.png) [@NE\_Texan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NE_Texan)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/14 "2002-12-05T14:53:37Z")
To “It’s beginning to look a lot like Christmas” I’m beginning to hate the Galleria every time I go… Where the uppity personnel Wish you would go to hell and sound alarms when I go through the door You can lose yourself at the Galleria and never know you’re lost… You can by that crap anywhere But you’ll know that you’ve been there when you count… the… cost! ---
**Author:** ![EchoKitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/f4b2a3/32.png) [@EchoKitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/EchoKitty)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/15 "2002-12-05T14:55:10Z")
I’m dreaming of some Green Acid, Just like the stuff I used to drop May your trips be merry, not meannnnn And may all your Acid be Green. ---
**Author:** ![RealityChuck](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/realitychuck/32/195_2.png) [@RealityChuck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RealityChuck)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/16 "2002-12-05T16:47:58Z")
And the greatest of them all: ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 5:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/17 "2002-12-05T17:09:36Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by CalMeacham \* > **A friend of mine had an album called “A Twisted Christmas” . I never saw who did it** Bob Rivers. There are **4** cds: Twisted Christmas; More Twisted Christmas; I Am Santa Claus; White Trash Christmas. I only have the first three, since the last was only released a few weeks ago. Best holiday cds ever!😃 ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/18 "2002-12-05T17:39:00Z")
I vaguely remember this from Mad Magazine circa the mid 70s We three clods from omaha are spending christmas eve in a car driving drinking glasses clinking who needs a lousy bar There’s more, but I don’t recall it clearly… ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 6:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/19 "2002-12-05T18:14:40Z")
Oh, let me see if I can remember these words–I don’t know if my colege friends actually made it up or got it somewhere else: Cthulu the tentacled Old One Had a very evil brain And if you ever saw him You would go completely insane All of the other demons Used to laugh and call him names They never let poor Cthulu Join in any demon games Then one hellish dreadful day Cthulu came to say Mortals with your souls so bright… oh heck, I’ve forgotten the rest. Sorry. ---
**Author:** ![dangermom](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e274bd/32.png) [@dangermom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dangermom)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/20 "2002-12-05T18:17:56Z")
Oh! The last line is Cthulu the tentacled Old One Yeeeaarrrggghhh! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671.md?page=2)