# Twisted Christmas Carols **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [December 5, 2002, 10:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671 "2002-12-05T10:51:51Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![SCSimmons](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e495f1/32.png) [@SCSimmons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SCSimmons)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/21 "2002-12-05T18:31:58Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by elfkin477 \* > \*\*Bob Rivers. There are **4** cds: Twisted Christmas; More Twisted Christmas; I Am Santa Claus; White Trash Christmas. I only have the first three, since the last was only released a few weeks ago. Best holiday cds ever!šŸ˜ƒ \*\* And for the record, ā€œWalkinā€™ Round in Womenā€™s Underwearā€ is from the second album; ā€œThe Restroom Door Said Gentlemenā€ is also from this series, on the original album. Not to mention many other funny, funny bits. šŸ˜ƒ ---
**Author:** ![Politzania](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3ab097/32.png) [@Politzania](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Politzania)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 6:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/22 "2002-12-05T18:45:16Z")
[Bob Rivers Twisted Tunes Vault](http://www.twistedradio.com/show/vault/alpha.asp?Var=a) Plan on spending some time there! CDā€™s available for sale online. ---
**Author:** ![Koxinga](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/4af34b/32.png) [@Koxinga](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Koxinga)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/23 "2002-12-05T18:53:40Z")
Canā€™t believe Iā€™m the first to mention ā€œGrandma Got Run Over by a Reindeerā€ ---
**Author:** ![FalconFinder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@FalconFinder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FalconFinder)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/24 "2002-12-05T19:47:38Z")
Hereā€™s a little ditty I wrote last year: Iā€™m dreaming of a Green Christmas Unlike the ones I used to know When the roads are icy, And drivingā€™s dicey With yards of dirty piled snow Iā€™m dreaming of a Green Christmas With every Christmas dish I clean May your meals be yummy and lean And may all your Christmases be green In high school, a friend and I came up with pieces of Christmas songs: ā€œHere comes Santa Claus, here comes Santa Claus right down Mommyā€™s legā€ ā€œJingle Ballsā€ And a few others I canā€™t recall right now. I have all the Bob Rivers Twisted Christmas CDs. They are an absolute RIOT! ---
**Author:** ![taichi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ea666f/32.png) [@taichi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/taichi)\ **Post date:** [December 5, 2002, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/25 "2002-12-05T20:02:36Z")
Donā€™t forget the Dysfunctional Family Christmas Carols (or something to that sort) on SNL! (Carol of the Bells) Leave me alone Just go away Iā€™m doing fine Iā€™ll be okā€¦ siiiighā€¦we sing that every yearā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/26 "2002-12-06T00:04:27Z")
Dog tags ring, are ya listeninā€™? In the lane, snow is glisteninā€™ Itā€™s yellow not white Iā€™ve been here tonight Markin up my winter wonderland Smell that tree? Thatā€™s my fragrance Itā€™s a sign, to wandering vagrants Stay off where I pee, itā€™s my property Marked out as my winter wonderland. In the meadow Dad will build a snowman Following the classical design Then Iā€™ll lift my leg and let it go man So all the world will know itā€™s mine, mine, mine! Straight from me, to the fencepost Flows my naturally incense boast Stay off of my turf This small piece of earth Is marked out as my winter wonderland. ---
**Author:** ![elfkin477](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/a9a28c/32.png) [@elfkin477](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elfkin477)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/27 "2002-12-06T02:37:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Politzania \* > \*\*[Bob Rivers Twisted Tunes Vault](http://www.twistedradio.com/show/vault/alpha.asp?Var=a) > > Plan on spending some time there! CDā€™s available for sale online. \*\* Oh, hey, my favorite non-Christmas BR song is on there: ā€œWhat if God Smoked Canibus?ā€ The girl singing sounds so much like Joan Osborne that itā€™s scary. ---
**Author:** ![Bullwinkle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/8491ac/32.png) [@Bullwinkle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullwinkle)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/28 "2002-12-06T03:22:13Z")
I found the brains of Santa Claus Underneath my bed I found them in a pickle jar I hope he isnā€™t dead They smell like dried-up tuna They look more green than red Oh, I found the brains of Santa Claus I hope he isnā€™t dead I heard that one on the Doctor Demento show years and years ago and it comes back t me every Christmas. Canā€™t remember who sang it. ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 3:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/29 "2002-12-06T03:25:58Z")
Jingle Bells; Santa smells; Easterā€™s on its way. Oh what fun; it is to ride; in a beat up Chevroletā€¦ ---
**Author:** ![Thunder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a8b319/32.png) [@Thunder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thunder)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/30 "2002-12-06T04:11:53Z")
Bob Rivers againā€¦ _I came upon a roadkill deerā€¦_ to the tune of ā€œIt came upon a midnight clearā€. Totally tastelessā€¦ yet hilarious! ---
**Author:** ![jasg](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/f0a364/32.png) [@jasg](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jasg)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 5:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/31 "2002-12-06T05:22:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Doghouse Reilly \* > \*\*Canā€™t believe Iā€™m the first to mention ā€œGrandma Got Run Over by a Reindeerā€ \*\* Bob Rivers has a better one (see above) - ā€œOsama Got Run Over by a Reindeerā€ā€¦ (or non-Christmas, try ā€œBin Laden & the Jetsā€) ---
**Author:** ![NE\_Texan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e99b99/32.png) [@NE\_Texan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NE_Texan)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 2:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/32 "2002-12-06T14:17:27Z")
Shoveling the snow In a tired sort of way Down the drive I go Scowling all the way steel on asphalt rings My back is giving out it ainā€™t no fun to push this thing through the muddy slush about Oh, Shovel ice Shovel snow Shovel all the day Itā€™s no fun to clear the drive just to go to work today Oh, shovel here, shovel there, Until your dying day, Iā€™m just a guy whoā€™s from the South Whatā€™s this white crap, anyway? ---
**Author:** ![hajario](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hajario/32/171_2.png) [@hajario](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/hajario)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/33 "2002-12-06T14:53:43Z")
My group of Jewish friends would sing this one in our High School days. To the tune of Jingle Bells. Standing in the snow Shotgun at my eye Hoping that, you know Santa will fly by Bang, bang bang! Heā€™s above the clouds pieces falling through Geuss what we will eat tonight Hot, fresh reindeer stew Oh, Santaā€™s dead, Santaā€™s dead I am filled with joy with my shotgun I have killed that fat fuck, asshole goy Haj ---
**Author:** ![Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/9de053/32.png) [@Myron\_Van\_Horowitzski](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Myron_Van_Horowitzski)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 3:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/34 "2002-12-06T15:29:10Z")
There was a classic from my high school days, The Night Before Christmas. I forgot some of the lines, letā€™s hope someone can fill it in. 'Twas the night before Christmas And all through the shack The whole damn family was drunk off its ass Grandma and Grandpa were singing a song The kid was in bed, flogging his dong Ma, home from the cathouse and I out of jail Had just settled down for a good piece of tail When out in the yard there arose such a clatter I jumped off of ma to see what was the matter Away to the window I flew like a flash Threw open the window and fell on my ass And what to my bloodshot eyes should appear But a rusty old sleigh and a dozen reindeer With a little old driver holding on to his dick I knew in a moment the bastard was St Nick Slower than snails his charges they came He bitched and he moaned as he called them by name "On Comet, on Cupid, up over the walls! ā€œQuick, now dammit, or Iā€™ll cut off your balls!ā€ ā€¦ I heard him exclaim as he drove out of sight, ā€œPISS ON YOU ALL; ITā€™S A HELL OF A NIGHT!ā€ Anyone? ---
**Author:** ![racer72](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/racer72/32/3075_2.png) [@racer72](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/racer72)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/35 "2002-12-06T19:27:34Z")
Bob Rivers has been a radio icon here in the Seattle area for years, first at KISW now at KZOK. I still have a huge collection of his songs I recorded off the radio. Besides the twisted tunes, check out his Bobā€™s Garage CD. Big name bands recorded in his garage. Excellent CD. ---
**Author:** ![cuauhtemoc](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/ecb155/32.png) [@cuauhtemoc](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cuauhtemoc)\ **Post date:** [December 6, 2002, 8:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/36 "2002-12-06T20:58:21Z")
To the tune of the absolutely hideous ā€œJingle Bell Rockā€ > [@](#): > > _Stroke-a my, lick-a my, suck-a my c_ck > Itā€™s the first time for you > So hereā€™s what you do > Unzip me, and strip me > And show me you care > Donā€™t go rippinā€™ out my pubic hair\* Donā€™t wanna post the rest, because I donā€™t know if itā€™s copyrighted, and I donā€™t know where to link to the lyrics, as I downloaded it fromā€¦ I mean I obtained a legal copy from a friend of mine \ but at any rate, does anyone know where this is from? Iā€™d really like to know who this twisted bastard is. ---
**Author:** ![Eva\_Luna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/e495f1/32.png) [@Eva\_Luna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eva_Luna)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/37 "2002-12-07T02:38:51Z")
We actually sang this one, in four-part harmony, in choir at the American Conservatory of Music. Lyrics ā€œby P.D.Q. Bach, reverently edited by Peter Schickele;ā€ Iā€™ll only post the first verse. O little town of Hackensack How still we hear thee snore, The snowdeckā€™d streets that reindeer feets Will soon be prancing oā€™er. Thy winsome children wondā€™ring if old Santa Claus will show; They need not fear; methinks I hear, methinks I hear His endless Ho, Ho, Ho. ---
**Author:** ![ninevah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/46a35a/32.png) [@ninevah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ninevah)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/38 "2002-12-07T04:29:29Z")
Canā€™t believe no oneā€™s mentioned the Weird Al christmas tunes yet! My favourite is [The Night Santa Went Crazy](http://www.com-www.com/weirdal/thenightsantawentcrazy.html) The first verse and chorus: Down in the workshop all the elves were makinā€™ toys For the good Gentile girls and the good Gentile boys When the boss busted in, nearly scared 'em half to death Had a rifle in his hands and cheap whiskey on his breath From his beard to his boots he was covered with ammo Like a big fat drunk disgruntled Yuletide Rambo And he smiled as he said with a twinkle in his eye, ā€œMerry Christmas to all - now youā€™re all gonna die!ā€ The night Santa went crazy The night St. Nick went insane Realized heā€™d been gettinā€™ a raw deal Something finally must have snapped in his brain And thereā€™s also this version : [The Night Santa Went Crazy (Extra Gory Version)](http://www.com-www.com/weirdal/nightsantawentcrazy-gory.html) Another Weird Al Christmas tune is [Christmas at Ground Zero](http://www.com-www.com/weirdal/christmasatgroundzero.html) ---
**Author:** ![tomndebb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b9e5f3/32.png) [@tomndebb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tomndebb)\ **Post date:** [December 7, 2002, 5:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/39 "2002-12-07T05:06:56Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by **Reality Chuck** _ > And the greatest of them all: > > * * * > > Deck us all with Boston Charlie > Walla Walla, Wash. anā€™ Kalamazoo. > Noraā€™s freezing on the trolley > Swaller dollar cauliflower alley gar-roo! _(Cā€™mon! You canā€™t leave it at one stanza.)_ Donā€™t we know archaic barrel Lullaby Lilla Boy, Louisville, Lou. Trolley Molly donā€™t love Harold, Boola boola Pensacoola, Hullabalou. ---
**Author:** ![NE\_Texan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/e99b99/32.png) [@NE\_Texan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NE_Texan)\ **Post date:** [December 16, 2002, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671/40 "2002-12-16T20:07:55Z")
Jack Frost roasting on an open fireā€¦ Chestnuts nipping at King Kong. Hallucinations being seen by our choir Weā€™ve been out in the cold too long. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-christmas-carols/140671.md?page=3)