# Twisted nursery rhymes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 28, 2005, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517 "2005-04-28T10:33:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/1 "2005-04-28T10:33:25Z")
I’m calling on all creative and screwed-up Dopers to help me out with a little game. It’s basically a game where you take any old nursery rhyme and make it…a little creepier, or just wrong somehow. Here’s an example of what I’m talking about: Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet Eating her curds and whey Along came a spider And it was a brown recluse And now Miss Muffett’s missing an arm. Obviously you’re not limited to keeping the rhyme scheme and meter. 😃 So twist away! ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/2 "2005-04-28T15:28:46Z")
Just look up Andrew Dice Clay’s entire act. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Jenaroph](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/e8c25b/32.png) [@Jenaroph](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jenaroph)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 4:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/3 "2005-04-28T16:58:21Z")
There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe: _Mary had a little lamb its fleece was white as snow, and everywhere that Mary went She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window, Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window._ It works with a surprising number of nursery rhymes. _Old King Cole was a merry old soul, and a merry old soul was he, He called for his pipe and he called for his bowl and he threw 'em out the window, the window_…etc. Little Miss Muffet… you get the idea. ---
**Author:** ![Flutterby](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Flutterby](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Flutterby)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 5:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/4 "2005-04-28T17:08:59Z")
> [@Jenaroph](#): > > There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe: > > _Mary had a little lamb > its fleece was white as snow, > and everywhere that Mary went > She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window, > Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window._ Yep, it’s called _The Second Story Window_ and you split the group up into two groups and sing it back and forth at each other trying to not duplicate any nursery rhymes. It ends when a group can’t think of a new rhyme or the leaders get sick of the song. Whichever happens first. I learned the last line as ‘If you don’t know what it’s about, we’ll throw you out the window’ A couple of twisted ones I’ve heard go: Twinkle twinkle little star How I wonder what you are I wish I may I wish I might… Aww shucks. It’s a satellite! and Hickory Dickory Doc Three mice ran up the clock The clock struck one And the other two escaped with minor injuries. ---
**Author:** ![Skywatcher](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/skywatcher/32/254_2.png) [@Skywatcher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skywatcher)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 5:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/5 "2005-04-28T17:20:16Z")
Row, row, row your boat, Gently down the stream. (underwater) Ha, ha, I fooled you, I’m a submarine! ---
**Author:** ![Scumpup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ce73a5/32.png) [@Scumpup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scumpup)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 5:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/6 "2005-04-28T17:22:18Z")
Sing a song of piss pants Eye sockets full of lye Four and twenty asstards All of whom will die Baby skulls are broken Your ass is in a sling Deagle and a Bowie Knife will get me lotsa bling ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 5:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/7 "2005-04-28T17:23:08Z")
Little Miss Muffett sat on a tuffet Eating her curds and whey Along came a spider And sat down beside her, And said, “I haven’t had decent curds and whey since Lutece closed!” Mary had a little lamb, The butcher killed it dead. She brings the lamb to school with her Between two hunks of bread. ---
**Author:** ![Don\_Draper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/b2d939/32.png) [@Don\_Draper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Don_Draper)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/8 "2005-04-28T17:58:39Z")
> [@Jenaroph](#): > > There was a song my mother somewhat regretted teaching us as kids - an old camp song I believe: > > _Mary had a little lamb > its fleece was white as snow, > and everywhere that Mary went > She threw it out the window, the window, the second story window, > Everywhere that Mary went she threw it out the window._ What we sang at camp - Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb Mary had a little lamb, Her mother was surprised! ---
**Author:** ![Eve](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Eve](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eve)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 6:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/9 "2005-04-28T18:02:26Z")
Mary had a little lamb, She took it on the El. And by the time they reached the Bronx, The lamb was black as— ---
**Author:** ![N.Sane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/f19dbf/32.png) [@N.Sane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/N.Sane)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 6:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/10 "2005-04-28T18:46:00Z")
Mary had a little lamb, a little beef, a little ham. Then she had some salad and peas, some mashed potatoes sprinkled with cheese. She drank some milk and lemonade, then ate some bread and marmalade. Mary had some pies and cake And now Mary has a stomach-ache ---
**Author:** ![KRC](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/45deac/32.png) [@KRC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/KRC)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/11 "2005-04-28T20:07:35Z")
Mary had a little sheep And with that sheep she went to sleep The sheep turned out to be a ram Now Mary has a little lamb ---
**Author:** ![Eureka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/74df32/32.png) [@Eureka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Eureka)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 8:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/12 "2005-04-28T20:26:51Z")
Not that it matters much but the second line of the “window” song referenced above as song by me in my youth was “think of a rhyme and sing it in time and Throw it out the window” It was also only one of three different nursery rhyme songs I sung one summer at day camp. ---
**Author:** ![Imbrium](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/13edae/32.png) [@Imbrium](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Imbrium)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 8:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/13 "2005-04-28T20:38:13Z")
Mary had a little bear to which she was so kind that everywhere that Mary went you saw her bear behind ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 10:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/14 "2005-04-28T22:53:28Z")
Mary had a little lamb She thought him very silly She threw him up into the air And caught him by the Willy was a sheepdog Lying on the grass Down came a bumblebee And stung him on the Ask no questions Tell no lies I saw a policeman doing up his Flies are annoying, wasps are worse That is the end of my silly little verse ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [April 28, 2005, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/15 "2005-04-28T23:01:02Z")
Rose’s are red Violet’s are blue Susan’s are orange What colour are yours? ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/16 "2005-04-29T00:31:26Z")
Peter Peter pumpkin eater, Had a wife and couldn’t keep her. He blacked her eye and made her wail, Now we keep the schmuck in jail. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/17 "2005-04-29T00:34:51Z")
Old Mother Hubbard Went to the cupboard To get her little girl a dress. When she got there The cupboard was bare And so was the girl, I guess. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/18 "2005-04-29T00:53:04Z")
> [@Art Vandelay](#): > > What we sang at camp - > > Mary had a little lamb, little lamb, little lamb > Mary had a little lamb, > Her mother was surprised! But Old MacDonald had a farm HIS mother nearly died! ---
**Author:** ![Nimue](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/d26b3c/32.png) [@Nimue](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nimue)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/19 "2005-04-29T02:57:25Z")
> [@Peter Morris](#): > > Mary had a little lamb She thought him very silly > She threw him up into the air And caught him by the > Willy was a sheepdog Lying on the grass > Down came a bumblebee And stung him on the > Ask no questions Tell no lies > I saw a policeman doing up his > Flies are annoying, wasps are worse > That is the end of my silly little verse I learned one along the same lines: Miss Lucy had a steamboat The steamboat had a bell Miss Lucy went to heaven The steamboat went to Hello operator Please give me number nine If you disconnect me I’ll chop off your Behind the 'frigerator There was a piece of glass Miss Lucy sat upon it And broke her little Ask me no more questions Please tell me no more lies The boys are in the bathroom Zipping up their Flies are in the meadow The bees are in the park Miss Lucy and her boyfriend Are kissing in the dark ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/20 "2005-04-29T03:53:54Z")
Old King Cole Was a merry old soul, And a merry old soul was he! He called for his pipe And he called for his bowl And got high as a bird in a tree! Hickory dickory doc A cow ran up the clock The clock collapsed Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water. Jill came down with a tousled gown And Jack with peals of laughter! Hark, hark, the dogs do bark, The beggars are coming to town! The smell of one would make you yark But for pennies he’ll go down! Ride a horse-cock In Branbury Cross Until the fine lady Is gasping in shock Peter, Peter, pumpkin eater, Had wife but couldn’t keep her He took a whore to a cheap motel And that beliked him very well! See-saw, Marjorie Daw, Dobbin shall have a new master Who’ll chain him and punish the least little flaw By flogging him faster and faster! There was a jolly pusher Worked by the Tappan Zee His wares were always quite the bomb, The kids would all agree! And this the burden of his song Forever used to be: "Come one, come all, and kick the gong! “The first hit’s always free!” [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517.md?page=2)