# Twisted nursery rhymes. **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [April 28, 2005, 10:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517 "2005-04-28T10:33:25Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![gum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/bbe5ce/32.png) [@gum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gum)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/21 "2005-04-29T03:59:16Z")
Jack and Jill went up the hill To fetch a pail of water Jill forgot to take the pill and Jack became a father ---
**Author:** ![The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a87d85/32.png) [@The\_King\_of\_Soup](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_King_of_Soup)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/22 "2005-04-29T04:10:25Z")
I wish I knew whom to credit for this, as it’s not mine: Mary had a little lamb, A lobster, and some prunes, A glass of milk, a pecan pie and twenty macaroons It made the naughty waiters grin to see her order so, and When they carried Mary out Her face was white as snow. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/23 "2005-04-29T04:17:12Z")
Hi-diddle-diddle, the cat and the fiddle, The cow jumped over the moon If you dig it now, just drop one more tab And you’ll be floating like a balloon! Humpty Dumpty got in a brawl Got his shell broken, he barely could crawl All the king’s horses and the king’s men Took turns with Humpty again and again! Bobby Shaftoe went to sea Captain’s cabin boy was he Brought the captain so much glee Pretty Bobby Shaftoe! What are little boys made of? What are little boys made of? Come into the barn, little girl, and you’ll see Just what little boys are made of! Rub-a-dub-dub Three men in a tub And they all had plenty to share! The gymnast, the skater, the room decorator – They went all around the celestial equator 'Twas enough to make Jesse Helms stare! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/24 "2005-04-29T04:31:34Z")
Higglety, pigglety, my black hen She lays down with gentlemen Gentlemen pay me every day Down with my black hen to lay Sometimes nine, and sometimes ten Higglety, pigglety, my black hen ---
**Author:** ![Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/hilarity_n.suze/32/6223_2.png) [@Hilarity\_N.Suze](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hilarity_N.Suze)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/25 "2005-04-29T04:32:34Z")
Georgie Porgey puddin’ and pie, kissed the girls and made them cry. When the boys came out to play he kissed them too 'cause he was gay. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/26 "2005-04-29T04:37:10Z")
Do you know McGuffin Man? McGuffin Man, McGuffin Man? Do you know McGuffin Man, Who lives on Drury Lane? He’s chasing down a Maltese bird A magic ring, a phoenix turd, And every plot device that soothes A lazy writer’s brain ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/27 "2005-04-29T04:53:41Z")
Baa, baa, black sheep Bet you’re quite a trull! Yes sir, yes sir, That’s no bull! Once with my master, Twice with my dame, And a freebie for the little boy Who lives down the lane! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 5:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/28 "2005-04-29T05:38:20Z")
Here’s an old one from _Mad_ magazine: There was a crooked man And he had a crooked laugh And he ran a crooked office And he hired a crooked staff He served a crooked term And he did a crooked job And rammed a lot of crooked bills through For a crooked local mob Why back the crooked man When his crooked ways you see? Because the rival candidate Is crookeder than he! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 5:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/29 "2005-04-29T05:50:25Z")
Fiddle de dee, fiddle de dee The fly has married the bumblebee The race-mixing shits Soon hung from a tree We keep our bloodlines pure as can be! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 6:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/30 "2005-04-29T06:04:25Z")
I do not love thee, Dr. Fell The charts mixed up, now I’m a belle And on the street my ass I sell I do not love thee, Dr. Fell ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 12:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/31 "2005-04-29T12:39:00Z")
Snoop Doggy Dogg performs ‘This Ol’ Man" This ol’ man, he played one He played knick-knack on my thumb Wit’ a knick-knack, paddywhack Give a Dogg a … BONE. This ol’ man came rollin’ home. (uh-huh, uh-huh) This ol’ man, he played two He played knick-knack wit’ my shoe Wit’ a knick-knack, booty-whack Loop and a… PASS. This ol’ man betta watch his ass. (hell, yeah!) This ol’ man, he played three … lost his mind and he tried to play ME So took my backhand, made sure I clipped him Took out my nine then I pistol-whipped him. Flipped him over, stomped his throat Cryin and bleedin… it was all he wrote Knack-knick wit’ an ass kick booty whack paddy Tell me ol’ man… who’s your daddy? This old man, his day is finished Ran him outta Dodge with his clout diminished Wit a knick-knack, fatty-whack, Punks screamin’ "Truce! Snoop Dogg got the juice. ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/32 "2005-04-29T17:58:35Z")
Little King Pippin, he built a great hall Pie-crust and pastry-crust, that was the wall The birds and the cockroaches turned his hall brown And his mad, inbred dynasty came tumbling down! One moisty, misty morning, When cloudy was the weather, I chanced to meet an old man Clothed all in leather He offered me some candy, Rubbed his balls against my chin, Saying, “Take it all, bitch!” And “Take it all, bitch!” And “Take it all, bitch” again! ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/33 "2005-04-29T20:11:01Z")
If I had a donkey That wouldn’t go Do you think I’d beat him? Oh, no, no! I’d place a call To a man I know, And to dogfood and glue My donkey would go ---
**Author:** ![ouryL](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ouryl/32/6067_2.png) [@ouryL](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ouryL)\ **Post date:** [April 29, 2005, 10:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/34 "2005-04-29T22:46:47Z")
Mary, Mary, quite contrary, How does your garden grow? With silver bells and cockleshells, And pretty maids all in a row. \*\*"This breaking news. \*\* Police have been summon to the home of a woman named Mary, last name unknown, where gardeners hired by her have found what purports to be \*several human skeletons \* buried in neatly in a row. The gardners had been told to avoid the areas that had been marked off with bells and seashells, but had inadvertently dug there when the shells & bells had been covered up by newly laid compose. Police suspect that the remains are of several missing young Gooseland women, who were previously thought to be victims of the Huff-n-Puff/Three Little Pigs killer. " :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Askia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/96bed5/32.png) [@Askia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Askia)\ **Post date:** [April 30, 2005, 11:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/35 "2005-04-30T11:57:43Z")
Sir Mix A Lot could totally sing this. Roughly to the tune of “My Hooptie.” There was a crooked man Who led a crooked life He made crooked love To another crook’s wife Nailed her little crooked ass Against the crooked wall And the crooked carpet floor And the crooked long hall Did nasty crooked business On the crooked hall stair Her crooked little toes Curled in the crooked air Now crooked rumors flew To the first crook’s ear The crooked man knew Time to crooked disappear He crookedly schemed For a wad of crooked loot He bought a crooked gun And a crooked-zoot suit Drove a crooked-out car Going crooked “bye-bye!” Cuz the other crooked man Paid a crooked drive-by So a crooked hit-crew Caught the crooked man’s trail His few crooked options Were crooked as hell They had crooked-ass guns In their crooked crook laps And crooked AKs Won in crooked games of craps He said, Crook this And crooked by the road Laid crooked dynamite To crookedly explode He was crooked and nervous Running out of crooked time He give crooked service Crooked life on the line Soon the crooked hit crew Came into crooked sight [Crooked trigger went "Boom! Goes the crooked dynamite.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6104832&postcount=1) The crooked man escaped Singing this crooked song: “Crooked bitches ain’t worth All this crooked ass to bone! All this crooked ass to bone! Al this ass to bone! Crook crook crook crooked All this crooked ass to bone!” ---
**Author:** ![BrainGlutton](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/82dd89/32.png) [@BrainGlutton](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrainGlutton)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 3:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/36 "2005-05-02T15:02:52Z")
Diddle diddle dumpling, last night’s John Came to bed with his trousers on Trousers off, and condom on Diddle diddle humping last night’s John ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 5:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/37 "2005-05-02T17:46:51Z")
This was from MAD Magazine - I can’t remember if it was _Violent Mother Goose_ or _Physical Fitness Mother Goose_, cuz it contains a bit of both: Little Jack Horner While rounding a corner Is met by a mugger who states “Hand over your cash, Or your head I will smash!” Which is not the most pleasant of fates Little Jack Horner Takes off from the corner In hopes of outracing disaster But though he’s in shape He won’t make his excape 'Cause the mugger’s a runner … but faster ---
**Author:** ![danceswithcats](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9e8a1a/32.png) [@danceswithcats](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/danceswithcats)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/38 "2005-05-02T20:50:40Z")
Little Miss Muffet sat on a tuffet, her clothes all tattered and torn. It wasn’t the spider that crept beside her, But Little Boy Blue and his horn. Simple Simon met a Pieman, going to the fair. Said Simple Simon to the Pieman, What have you got there? Said the Pieman unto Simon, Pies, you dickhead. Humpty Dumpty sat on a wall Humpty Dumpty had a great fall. All the kings horses and all the kings men, said “F\*\*k him, He’s only an egg.” Mary had a little lamb It ran into a pylon. 10,000 volts went up it’s ass and turned it’s wool to nylon Jack and Jill Went up the hill to have little fun. Jill, that dill, forgot her pill and now they have a son. Old Mother Hubbard went to the cupboard to fetch her poor dog a bone. When she bent over Rover took over, And gave her a bone of his own. Mary Mary, quite contrary, how does your garden grow? With silverbells and cockleshells and one f\*\*king petunia. There once was a girl with a strawberry curl right in the middle of her forehead When she was good, she was very, very good and when she was bad she made $500 a night. Mary had a little skirt with splits right up the sides and every time that Mary walked the boys could see her thighs Mary had another skirt twas split right up the front …but she didn’t wear that one very often ---
**Author:** ![Peter\_Morris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/peter_morris/32/359_2.png) [@Peter\_Morris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Peter_Morris)\ **Post date:** [May 2, 2005, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/39 "2005-05-02T23:38:13Z")
Mary had a little lamb It used to jump so high It jumped into a butcher’s shop and now it’s in a pie. ---
**Author:** ![HighAsFuqe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/d07c76/32.png) [@HighAsFuqe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HighAsFuqe)\ **Post date:** [October 25, 2013, 3:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517/40 "2013-10-25T03:13:54Z")
Slit their throats and drink their blood, Drink their blood, Drink their blood, Slit their throats and drink their blood, My dear lady. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/twisted-nursery-rhymes/301517.md?page=3)