# Two Fart Questions **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 30, 2001, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920 "2001-08-30T13:35:50Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 1:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/1 "2001-08-30T13:35:50Z")
A couple of things have happened to me recently and for the life of me I haven’t been able to come up with a good solution. 1. Say that you’re walking down a hallway and just as you pass a stranger or (someone you don’t know very well) your shoe squeeks on the floor and sounds EXACTLY like a big ripper. What the hell do you say that doesn’t make you look guilty? If you don’t say anything and they think it was a real fart, you look like an impolite pig. If you say something about your shoes it looks like an excuse. If it were someone I knew, I would make a joke of it and maybe even say “Har har, good one, huh?” and then tell them it was really my shoe. But when it is a stranger, what can you do? I have yet to find it in my Miss Manners collection. 1. You’re on an elevator with a group of people. Someone either shits his pants or has dog poop on his shoe, either way, it stinks. BADLY! You stop on the 3rd floor and everyone but you gets off but the smell still lingers (I should have abandoned ship at that time). I am now alone in the elevator when it stops on the 5th floor and two gorgeous construction guys get on (they are working on our building). I know they can smell it and since I am the only one on the elevator I am sure they think it is me. What do I say? Do I try to explain that someone farted then got off on the 3rd floor? Do I look at my shoe as if I am looking for dog crap? That just makes me look guilty as hell. Do I say nothing and let them think I fart in elevators? What do I do!?!?!?! I’m so confused!!! ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 1:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/2 "2001-08-30T13:39:04Z")
A1) Mumble- “Darn new shoes…” A2) Look at them and say- “You would not believe the guy that was just in here…!” then drop an SBD and smirk 'cuz you’re gonna get away with it. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 1:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/3 "2001-08-30T13:42:21Z")
Ohhh, you should trust Miss Manners more than that! She most certainly DOES have an answer for this. Just as one does not hear sounds coming from the bathroom, one also does not notice other side effects of such events. In a properly equipped bathroom, there would be a window to open or air freshener to spray about following such an occurrence; out in public, however, there are no such amenities and it falls up on polite people to just not hear or smell such things. Either that or carry a censer around with you, just in case. ---
**Author:** ![Skelji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b38774/32.png) [@Skelji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skelji)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 1:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/4 "2001-08-30T13:49:03Z")
I don’t know what to tell you for number 1. Maybe make a comment on how “the geese sure are flying south early this year”. As for number 2 (heh heh)… I’m sorry, maybe it slipped out. Must have been that Burrito Supreme I had for lunch. Quite frankly, I thought _you_ shit in your pants. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Kiki](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kiki](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kiki)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 5:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/5 "2001-08-30T17:49:37Z")
Just say, “Damn barking spiders… they’re everywhere!” That should work for both situations. Of course, it still makes _you_ look guilty. ---
**Author:** ![Creaky](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e68b1a/32.png) [@Creaky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Creaky)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/6 "2001-08-30T18:38:35Z")
My feeling on this has always been (whether I actually farted or it just _seemed_ that I did): love me, love my farts! 😃 Everybody farts, publicly and privately, out of necessity and sometimes for fun. Let him who has not farted, cast the first whiff! ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 7:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/7 "2001-08-30T19:06:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by thinksnow \* > \*\*A1) Mumble- “Darn new shoes…” > > A2) Look at them and say- “You would not believe the guy that was just in here…!” then drop an SBD and smirk 'cuz you’re gonna get away with it. \*\* * * * ROTFLMAO!! My thoughts EXACTLY!! ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/8 "2001-08-30T19:08:21Z")
Which brings to mind the classic definition of a gourmet: Someone who can smell another person’s fart and tell them what they had for dinner last night. ---
**Author:** ![Chef\_Troy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/85f322/32.png) [@Chef\_Troy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chef_Troy)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 8:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/9 "2001-08-30T20:01:23Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Ethilrist \* > \*\*Either that or carry a censer around with you, just in case. \*\* Don’t be advocating censer-shit on a board like this one. ---
**Author:** ![Diane](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2acd7d/32.png) [@Diane](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diane)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 8:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/10 "2001-08-30T20:09:27Z")
> [@](#): > > then drop an SBD and smirk 'cuz you’re gonna get away with it. I wish I would have thought about this earlier. I could have snuck one and drowned out the stench with the scent of roses. ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 8:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/11 "2001-08-30T20:15:46Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Rachelle \* > \*\*Just say, “Damn barking spiders… they’re everywhere!” That should work for both situations. Of course, it still makes _you_ look guilty. \*\* I see **Rachelle** stole my…um, thunder, as it were. [Barking Spiders](http://www.getodd.com/stuf/stupid/spider/spider.html) ---
**Author:** ![Bandanaman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/3ab097/32.png) [@Bandanaman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bandanaman)\ **Post date:** [August 30, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/12 "2001-08-30T20:22:54Z")
That reminds me of the time I was an elevator with a good looking young lass, and I casually asked her “'scuse me ma’am, can I smell your pussy?” She indignantly replied “Of COURSE not!” To which I responded “Hmmm, it must be your feet then.” ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/13 "2001-08-31T14:18:48Z")
An Eternal Truth Sometimes you will cry and no one will see your tears… Sometimes you will laugh and no one will see you smile… Sometimes you will fear and no one will see you shudder… Sometimes you will lie and no one will catch you up… Sometimes you will fall and no one sees you struggle… Sometimes you will be late and no one seems to notice… But fart just one time… ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 2:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/14 "2001-08-31T14:29:11Z")
Diane, Have I told you lately that I love you?? I am at working crying with laughter (of course, we all know how I love farts/poop jokes and stories) Instance 1: I look the person straight in the face and say “Did you just beef?” Instance 2: Guys get on. I say “Who stepped in dog poop?” and check my shoes just to show it wasn’t me. [Senator Palpatine voice]“And you, young Bandanaman- we will be watching your career with great interest!”[/Senator Palpatine voice] Zette ---
**Author:** ![genghis](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/e79b87/32.png) [@genghis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/genghis)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/15 "2001-08-31T15:34:43Z")
Diane, if this is where life finds you at the crossroads, torn with indecision over phantom pharts and phoul odours, count yourself lucky 🙂 My suggested solutions: 1. RAISE THE STAKES. Try to squeak your shoes some more as you continue walking down the hall. The other person will either realize you are cutting moves like Michael Jordan on the hardwood, or else think you are cutting cheese like the Abbe of St. Andre. 2. FREAK THEM OUT. You can’t very well pretend the odor didn’t precede their arrival, and you can’t very well bring up the subject with strangers without seeming guilty (after all, as the saying goes, whomsoever smelteth it, dealteth it). So break out the Altoids tin and have a mint. Even better, ask them if they have any breath mints you could have. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/16 "2001-08-31T15:39:34Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Diane \* > I am now alone in the elevator when it stops on the 5th floor and two gorgeous construction guys get on (they are working on our building). I know they can smell it and since I am the only one on the elevator I am sure they think it is me. Two hot construction workers…here’s where I draw attention away from the fart smell by offering two quick blow jobs. jarbaby ---
**Author:** ![BunnyGirl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/22d042/32.png) [@BunnyGirl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BunnyGirl)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/17 "2001-08-31T15:41:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Zette \* > \*\* > I am at working crying with laughter (of course, we all know how I love farts/poop jokes and stories) > > Zette \*\* Good, I’m glad I’m not the only one! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![NutWrench](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nutwrench/32/20193_2.png) [@NutWrench](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NutWrench)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/18 "2001-08-31T15:47:08Z")
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**Author:** ![screech-owl](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/82dd89/32.png) [@screech-owl](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/screech-owl)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/19 "2001-08-31T15:51:16Z")
**FCM** - that is a classic!!! ::dabbing away tears (and not from the stench):: ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [August 31, 2001, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920/20 "2001-08-31T15:54:07Z")
**Bunny** , that barking spider link is great! Thanks for sparking up my Friday! [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-fart-questions/78920.md?page=2)