# Two New Chick Tracts! Get 'em while they're hot! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 4, 2004, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063 "2004-11-04T22:18:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f0a364/32.png) [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 12:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/21 "2004-11-05T00:51:43Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > \*(jumping up and down and waving my hand) \* **Me! Me!** I loved doing those things. But what will our subject be? Well, it’s getting close to the Holiday Season. In the spirit of Jack’s attempt to ruin Halloween, how about “Santa = Satan!” ---
**Author:** ![Mangetout](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mangetout/32/19_2.png) [@Mangetout](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mangetout)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/22 "2004-11-05T00:56:39Z")
How silly of mohammed to have said that Adam was 90 feet tall; if that were the case, he’d never have been able to live to the age of 930 years. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 12:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/23 "2004-11-05T00:56:57Z")
> [@Baker](#): > > \*(jumping up and down and waving my hand) \* **Me! Me!** I loved doing those things. But what will our subject be? Something in the classroom, I think. There should be a confrontation between Suzy and Ms. Henn. Maybe something to do with Ms. Henn “teaching homosexuality” would be apt, but then again, that’s a subject that’s so spot on it wouldn’t even be parody, it would just be imitation. What is something that Ms. Henn could be teaching her class that’s controversial enough to offend Suzy but silly enough to qualify as parody? Pledge of Allegiance, maybe? ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/24 "2004-11-05T01:00:10Z")
Oh…and whatever the problem is, we need to find a way to blame the RCC. The more tortured and convoluted the connection the better. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/25 "2004-11-05T01:03:48Z")
> [@nyctea scandiaca](#): > > Oh My Fucking God, that guy is bonkers. > > In The Squatters, he writes: > > > [@](#): > > > > "Jesus calls the Roman Catholic system “The Great Whore.” Oooookay… but somehow “Upon this rock I will my Great Whore” just doesn’t have the same ring to it. ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/26 "2004-11-05T01:04:58Z")
> [@Padeye](#): > > I’m as big a fan of Jack Chick’s lunacy as anyone here but I think he’s starting to lose it. “Starting”?? ---
**Author:** ![Dijon\_Warlock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a9a28c/32.png) [@Dijon\_Warlock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dijon_Warlock)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/27 "2004-11-05T01:10:14Z")
Hagar (Sarah’s Egyptian handmaid) _should_ have said “Call him Ishmael.” That would have been funnier. Why does it not surprise me that Chick didn’t think of that? I haven’t even read the second tract yet, but my head is already spinning… ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/28 "2004-11-05T01:13:23Z")
For those who are new to Chick, to this board, or to our previous Chick parodies, here is a link to the “tracts” we wrote. [http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=163704&highlight=Create+Tract](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=163704&highlight=Create+Tract) Hmmm, I had an idea in that thread for a tract that didn’t get picked up. Maybe it would fit into the classroom scenario. Environmentalism, the extreme kind. Equating animals with people. After all, wouldn’t Suzy be thinking “God gave US dominion!” We could slip in the concept of “Mother Nature” or the Goddess, and equate it to the Virgin somehow. ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/29 "2004-11-05T01:15:33Z")
:smack: Dang, hit submit too soon. Would it be the same 22 panels, with the checkboxes at the end? ---
**Author:** ![Mithril](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mithril/32/3517_2.png) [@Mithril](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mithril)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/30 "2004-11-05T01:17:30Z")
I…I think I learned something from a Chick Tract. Is the reason the America is so pro-Israel when the rest of the world isn’t that the fundamentalist Christians say that God gave Israel to the Jewish people? I didn’t know that. I feel so dirty. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/41988e/32.png) [@El\_Cid\_Viscoso](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Cid_Viscoso)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/31 "2004-11-05T01:21:11Z")
> [@](#): > > by _Diogenes the Cynic_ > > I like creepy Grandpa Eyepatch too. Ah, the sad, last days of the Hathaway Man. Drinking Irish Coffee and spouting off to Little Susy about The Rapture. Sometimes I wish we had a little “twirling index finger around ear” smilie. It’ll have pursed lips 'cause it’s saying “doot doot dootle-ootle oot doot doo-doot”. JDeMobray and Flutterby: Drag your ass around Chicago some night and you’ll get a pocketful of 'em. Around Christmas, I keep a Chick Tract in my pocket so I can slip it into somebody’s stocking. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/32 "2004-11-05T01:26:12Z")
I agree that it should be the classic 22 panels with a checkbox. Ok, we’ve got three ideas in the hopper: 1. Santa = Satan 2. Pledge of Allegiance 3. Environmentalists/PETA Anyone else? Keep them coming. We could use a couple more writers as well. (last time we sketched out a general outline for the tract and then took turns writing panels in a narrative format. See **Baker’s** link to get the idea. Anyone else want in on this? ---
**Author:** ![Baker](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/bb73d2/32.png) [@Baker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Baker)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/33 "2004-11-05T01:40:35Z")
**Diogenes** , I’ll go with whatever you like, they all sound good to me. You write really good, I’d say start one when _you_ are ready. Dopers are cool, but getting us lined up is like herding cats. Ideas: 1. Santa at a class X-mas party, replacing Jesus 2. Mother Earth, the Goddess, animals on a level with humanity 3. Pledging allegiance to a flag, or a country, when it might not be doing god’s will. ---
**Author:** ![LilyoftheValley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/54ee81/32.png) [@LilyoftheValley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LilyoftheValley)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/34 "2004-11-05T01:51:47Z")
Oh, I want to play. Can I do the panel with “Haw Haw!”? ---
**Author:** ![Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/f0a364/32.png) [@Rube\_E.Tewesday](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rube_E.Tewesday)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 1:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/35 "2004-11-05T01:53:03Z")
I, too, will be happy to go with whatever **Dio** starts. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 2:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/36 "2004-11-05T02:00:25Z")
I’m still adjusting to the idea that Satan is morbidly obese. ---
**Author:** ![Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e99b99/32.png) [@Diogenes\_the\_Cynic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Diogenes_the_Cynic)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/37 "2004-11-05T02:02:29Z")
Apprentice is on right now. I’ll start a new parody thread after it’s over. ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 2:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/38 "2004-11-05T02:04:41Z")
There is something almost poetic about a crackpot like Jack T. Chick bringing together red state and blue state dopers to a state of harmony. Fuckin’ kum-bah-yah brother. ---
**Author:** ![Lamia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e7dd6/32.png) [@Lamia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lamia)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 5:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/39 "2004-11-05T05:18:23Z")
I don’t know, as good as “The Little Bride” was, I feel Chick dropped the ball on a couple of points. First of all, if he was going to use that title he needed to focus more on the pedophilia angle. Secondly, Ms. Hen’s cameo was disappointing. She didn’t defy God’s will or anything! I was hoping the “holiday” would turn out to be, I dunno, Eid, or at least something non-Christian, but we don’t even find out what it was! ---
**Author:** ![kingpengvin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9dc877/32.png) [@kingpengvin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kingpengvin)\ **Post date:** [November 5, 2004, 6:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063/40 "2004-11-05T06:23:40Z")
Crap on a cracker… I can’t believe it but Jack is gone one step nuttier. Could he see this new acceptance of the Republican ideal as a sign he has become too moderate? Wow Mohamed is a pedophile? Now I think I’m going to be sick… for another reason. That was low even for Jack. It is one thing to say Muslims are misinformed, but to say they follow the teachings of a pedophile? Sheesh. This guy is becoming a true turd. Gotta love the bit about adam…“Adam was the first man on earth and was 90 feet tall” Yes Suzy it was a lie… Adam does not exist at leat that biblical dude with the fig leaf. “He owned slaves?!” What a horrible man… his writtings should not be followed… Like that other slave holder Thomas Jefferson. The Airport thing was so tacked on… Hmmm “C’mon kids time to spread terror in America because we are foreign devils” “But Mom I was going to actually debate someone who hasn’t a fucking clue about our religion!” “Sorry son but we have to murder babies for our moon god! Besides her christian logic is too much a match for our ignorant heathanism…” I half expected a final panel to say that the Muslims went to Isreal and blew themselves up and were cast in the lake of fire TM Pirate Grandpa is a real dickweed. Could he be Bob’s Father? Could Suzy be Bob’s daughter? Could Bob have strayed with father Damien? Is it a coincidence that he disappeared from the tracts the moment we at the SMDB outted him? I’d love to do another paradoy. That sanctomonious bitch needs a knock down of a peg or two. Let me at 'em. This time I promise no Flame thrower ending… just a good old fashioned Christian weenie roast. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/two-new-chick-tracts-get-em-while-theyre-hot/273063.md?page=3)