# UK Dopers - A Call To Arms (or: let's get 'em while they're not looking) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 4, 2002, 1:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349 "2002-07-04T13:18:40Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![casdave](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c6cbf5/32.png) [@casdave](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/casdave)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 6:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/61 "2002-07-04T18:27:38Z")
I say we put their petrol up to the some tax level as ours, should immobilise them pretty quickly. A hushed breath of awe is heard as the conflict sees the first use of the ultimate weapon of mass indegestion, bring on the NHS ward assistants with state cooked hosptial patient food…oh the pity…oooh nurse!! ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/62 "2002-07-04T19:14:05Z")
not forgetting the fearsome matron! So we need to recruit a Hattie Jacques sort of lady! ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/63 "2002-07-04T19:16:29Z")
\ What was that film (old, Ealing comedy sort of thing) that was based on a tiny little country that invaded the U.S.A., expecting to lose the war, but found no resistance at all 'cos the Merkins were all busy celebrating something? It had Margaret Rutherford in it, I seem to recall) \ ---
**Author:** ![wolfman](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/a8b319/32.png) [@wolfman](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolfman)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/64 "2002-07-04T19:18:41Z")
The Mouse That Roared. Peter Sellers movie, I love that one. ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/65 "2002-07-04T19:47:28Z")
**wolfman** That’s it! Thanks awfully, old chap! And didn’t they have some really wild and wonderful uniforms in that film? Please General **Francesca** may we have some funky uniforms too? ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/66 "2002-07-04T19:51:21Z")
My fellow Americans, we have nothing to worry about. Remember, our sneaky British foes decided years ago to disarm themselves! They don’t stand a chance! (although, if **Francesca** reads me poetry with that lovely voice and accent of hers, I might just surrender.) ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 8:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/67 "2002-07-04T20:02:43Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Max Torque \* > \*\*My fellow Americans, we have nothing to worry about. Remember, our sneaky British foes decided years ago to disarm themselves! They don’t stand a chance! > \*\* Ah - foolish foreign person! “Our chief weapon is surprise … surprise and fear … fear and surprise … Our two weapons are fear and surprise … and ruthless efficiency” oops - I think I might just have given away the secret! ☹ Perhaps no-one will notice! ---
**Author:** ![Milossarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/3ec8ea/32.png) [@Milossarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Milossarian)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 8:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/68 "2002-07-04T20:28:36Z")
Can you wear the red uniforms again, for old time’s sake? Those were _fabulous._ ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 8:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/69 "2002-07-04T20:32:36Z")
I am not a General of fashion. Our uniforms must be practical above all else, with plenty of pockets for Kendel mint cake and other such essentials. You may choose the colour and up to three accessories. Let it not be said that our forces are lacking in pockets or accessories. Now then. I suggest as a tactical matter we say we’re from Boston. They’ll then be reluctant to claim our vowel sounds are suspicious. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/70 "2002-07-04T20:44:15Z")
Hey, I thought you guys were already in charge: [Notice of Revocation of Independence](http://www.shartwell.freeserve.co.uk/humor-site/independence.htm) ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/71 "2002-07-04T21:43:15Z")
:: taps tea spoon on side of bone china tea cup to call meeting to order :: First of all, well done **Francesca** for coming up with such a whizz-o winning wheeze! Well done! Top marks! :: polite applause all round, but nothing too enthusiastic as to be vulgar. Francesca blushes and gestures modestly as if to say it was nothing really, and tries to share the credit around equally :: Secondly, I’d like to thank Mrs. Cheddar for providing such lovely tea and refreshments. These cucumber sandwiches really are delicious! Well done Mrs. C! :: more polite applause all round and waggish comments about the sandwiches being the best part of coming to meetings like this!! :: And so the business at hand. Now, first of all, let’s not have any more of this rot about being ‘out-numbered’. We may face a slight numerical disadvantage in some theatres of operations, I grant you. But I’ll wager one Tommy against any number of those damn Yanks any day of the week! :: general ‘Hear hear!’ and ‘Hurrah!’ mutterings all round :: Now, a quick overview of strategy. Vicar… would you mind? The slide projector? Thank you. And could you draw the curtains for us, Mrs. Miggles? Jolly good of you. 1. The First Wave. We deploy the advance tactical weapons team in various colonial centres, posing as innocent tourists. Their job is to soften up the enemy by instilling national shame. This is done by making frequent reference to the following. Yank culture: an Adam Sandler film recently topped the US box office. Yank acting talent: Dick van Dyke’s accent in Mary Poppins. Yank integrity: Watergate. Yank justice: Ford ‘pardoning’ Nixon. The OJ Simpson verdict. Yank celebrities: Monica Lewinsky, Richard Simmons. Yank news and journalistic integrity: the National Enquirer Yank ability to fight: Vietnam. Plus they hold a ‘World Series’ that only they play in. Or want to. Yank nutrition: Twinkys, Big Mac, microwave popcorn. Yank education: they think a hundred year old house is ‘historic’. Inability to spell simple words like ‘colour’. Yank society: the gun laws! Ha ha chortle! Yank sports: their football players don’t know the rules and are girlies who need padding. Baseball is just rounders for yet more girly men who need padding and who spit a lot. Yank insecurity: they hold a ‘World Series’ that only they play in (or would want to). Yank toughness: Tyson .v. Lewis! 1. The Second Wave. We open with a surprise strike of weapons-grade mature Stilton Cheese (yes, it’s nasty stuff, I know, but this is war, damn it!). We follow with more foodstuffs likely to overcome the enemy, or at the very least least puzzle him dreadfully. Spotted Dick. Pomfret cakes. Fig rolls. Lancashire hot pot. Faggots (!). Mushy peas. Newcastle brown ale. Smoky bacon crisps. Toasted teacakes. Fish and chips wrapped in a newspaper. Barm cakes. Haggis (we’ll allow the Celtic contribution). ‘Tiffin’ chocolate bars. Deep-fried Mars bar. Kendal Mint Cake. Mint imperials. Rice pudding with a skin on top. Cadburys creme eggs. Harveys Bristol Cream. 2. Having damaged their national pride and launched the opening salvo of offensive foodstuffs, we advance steadily with our teeth bared to show off our average state of dental care while simultaneously saying we’re proud of the National Health Service. This horrifies the enemy while also completely bewildering him. 3. We need to make the enemy drowsy. We do this by sending George Martin over to discuss _exactly_ how each Beatles track was recorded. The simplest ways are often the best. 4. Combat. No escaping it. This could get rough. First wave. A team of Millwall supporters, having told them the enemy just spilled their pint and called their girlfriends slags. Second wave. A team of Yorkshire Sunday-league rugby fullbacks, telling them the enemy just called them ‘a bunch of puffs’. Third wave. A crack squad of little old ladies armed with umbrellas and large handbags, having told them the enemy thinks they don’t deserve free bus passes. Fourth wave: A squadron of bespectacled civil servants with toothbrush moustaches and names like ‘Norris’, having told them the enemy has recently failed to file their council tax forms with the appropriate local authority. Fifth wave: A bunch of Liverpool dock workers, having told them that they can keep anything they can nick. This uncomprominig assault should certainly result in outright victory. If all else fails, and _strictly as a last resort_, we undo the steel restraints, take off the hockey mask, permit access to The Handbag and send in… Sixth wave: Margaret Thatcher. (Having first told her the enemy thinks some of her policies may have been misguided). That concludes the plan. Thank you to the vicar for his slide projector. Mrs. Miggles,… the curtains? Thank you so much. Now, what shall we do with the country once we have reclaimed it? I welcome your suggestions. I’ll start the ball rolling. Alaska: this will be emptied, and then we can put Ken Livingstone, John Birt and Mandy Mandelson right in the middle where they can’t do any harm. More Early Grey anyone? ---
**Author:** ![glee](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/b5a626/32.png) [@glee](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/glee)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/72 "2002-07-04T21:50:45Z")
Ianzin, that sums it all up perfectly. Jolly good show! ---
**Author:** ![dwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwyr/32/363_2.png) [@dwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwyr)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 10:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/73 "2002-07-04T22:13:28Z")
You know, having just innocently stumbled across this nefarious plot and being that I’m a federal employee sworn to defend against enemies foreign and domestic and other claptrap like that there I’m afraid I’m duty-bound to turn y’all in. Nothing personal. Of course… if some kind soul could divert some nice tea my way, say some high-grade Keemun or Assam, Darjeeling perhaps and of course the elixir of life Earl Grey and throw in some Aynsley china teacups with matching saucers I might be persuaded to look the other way… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Francesca](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/9fc348/32.png) [@Francesca](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Francesca)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 11:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/74 "2002-07-04T23:27:59Z")
Well **dwyr** , speaking as a General who’s not averse to a little how’s your father, if you should _happen_ to be in Boston harbour at, say 4.30pm on Saturday and a crate of tea just happened to be standing around and you were to see it and feel that perhaps you ought to take it home for further inspection, well then no one could say anything about that. Say no more nudge nudge wink wink a nod’s as good as a wink to a blind bat. I feel **Ianzin** gave a marvellous presentation and would like to heartily second his motions. That combat plan is really second to none, although I would like to propose that precations be taken with the Sixth Wave. If we’re going to take her over there ourselves, we’re going to have to find a muzzle for the trip. Mrs Miggles, those antimacassers really do brighten up the room. Are they M & S? Ideas for what to do once we’ve shown the blighters a thing or two: [ul] [li]Close down all Liptons factories. Introduce bill stipulating all tea must include milk but just a drop so that any elderly lady may, at any time in any place, be able to say “you could trot a mouse on that”.[/li] [li]Less ice. No ice given automatically. All drinks served at room temperature with the exception of certain beers and fine wines.[/li] [li]All people named “Chuck” immediately renamed “Edward” or “William”.[/li][/ul] The floor is open for further suggestions. ---
**Author:** ![Triskadecamus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b19c9b/32.png) [@Triskadecamus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Triskadecamus)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 11:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/75 "2002-07-04T23:38:19Z")
I just came back in from running out to the store. There are people out there at picnics eating crumpets, and drinking tea! I saw people carrying umbrellas! Folks were driving on the wrong side of the road! What the hell is going on? Quick, someone get me a hotdog! Tris ---
**Author:** ![dwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dwyr/32/363_2.png) [@dwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dwyr)\ **Post date:** [July 4, 2002, 11:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/76 "2002-07-04T23:59:58Z")
Whoo hoo! if you’re eliminating Liptons I’m definitely down with that. And I always take my tea with milk and two sugars, thanks. [sup]Why, look! A crate of tea out in the open like that, it’s not safe. Someone could trip and hurt themselves, better get it out of the way…[/sup] ---
**Author:** ![Celyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/9dc877/32.png) [@Celyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Celyn)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2002, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/77 "2002-07-05T00:11:49Z")
[QUOTE] \*Originally posted by Francesca \* **[li]Close down all Liptons factories. Introduce bill stipulating all tea must include milk but just a drop so that any elderly lady may, at any time in any place, be able to say “you could trot a mouse on that”.**[/li][/QUOTE] I’m not 100% sure about that one William Lipton was from the right end of the pond, after all. [http://www.britannia.com/celtic/scotland/greatscots/l1.html](http://www.britannia.com/celtic/scotland/greatscots/l1.html) > [@](#): > > Born in Glasgow of Irish parents, Thomas Lipton came to the US in 1865 when he was 15, but returned to Scotland to open a small grocery shop after learning the methods of merchandising while employed in New York City. > > In Glasgow, Lipton advertised his wares by having two fat pigs driven through the streets with “I’m going to Lipton’s. The best shop in town for British bacon,” painted on their freshly scrubbed sides > > … > Another of Thomas Lipton’s interests was yachting. His great ambition was to win the America’s Cup for Great Britain and he spent huge sums of money on five unsuccessful attempts with his Shamrock yachts between 1899 and 1930. ---
**Author:** ![pluralgravity](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/2bfe46/32.png) [@pluralgravity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pluralgravity)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2002, 12:13am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/78 "2002-07-05T00:13:18Z")
Over many years I have built up a fifth column in South Canada. When Her Majesty’s reconquering armies break out from their beachheads (in camouflaged double- decker buses) they will be greeted by banners proclaiming: ‘‘Oh hello, so nice of you to drop in’’ and ‘‘Well of course we always thought that monarchy is the best form of government, but we did’nt say so because we did’nt want to upset anyone’’ Happy Birthday USA ---
**Author:** ![Siege](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dbc845/32.png) [@Siege](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Siege)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2002, 1:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/79 "2002-07-05T01:10:47Z")
Pennsylvania is ours! Having cleverly re-programmed all newspaper computers in the state to add lots of extra u’s and done a bit of saturation bombing of sausage rolls and eccles cakes, I can safely say that the late prime minister, Mr. Penn’s woods have returned to Mr. Penn’s country. Lipton tea has also been surreptitiously replaced with real tea. The ensuing shock contributed greatly to conquering the state. The last pockets of resistance were weeded out with the threats of spotted dick and haggis. Only one of them had the guts to ask what’s in haggis. He actually said “Sounds good” before being beaten to death by his horrified country men. Unfortunately, the local baseball team are proving no better at cricket than they did at baseball. Equally unfortunately, some of the easier-to-conquer types have already been heard to yell “Go Tim.” I’m awaiting my pay in Cadbury’s. What? You don’t want this state? It’s a bit big to throw back! 🙂 CJ ---
**Author:** ![Fern\_Forest](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/71c47a/32.png) [@Fern\_Forest](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fern_Forest)\ **Post date:** [July 5, 2002, 1:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349/80 "2002-07-05T01:30:17Z")
> [@](#): > > _Originally posted by ianzin \* > [BPlus they hold a ‘World Series’ that only they play in. Or want to._\* The poor Candians. Forgotten yet again. And they even won the whole shebang back-to-back just 10 years ago. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uk-dopers-a-call-to-arms-or-lets-get-em-while-theyre-not-looking/117349.md?page=5)