# Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 3, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513 "2000-11-03T04:12:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 19
**Author:** ![to\_be\_announced](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@to\_be\_announced](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/to_be_announced)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/361 "2001-01-18T01:48:53Z")
opps sorry!! I meant **Everybody Hurts.** ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 3:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/362 "2001-01-18T03:53:52Z")
**Everybody Hurts** , eh? Truly, you cannot sincerely hope that it will stand up the world renowned cynicism and wit of **A Dennis Miller Rant!** For your unbridled insolence, you must now face the wrath of **A Monkey Trying to Fuck a Football!** ---
**Author:** ![Le\_Sang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ee7513/32.png) [@Le\_Sang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Le_Sang)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 4:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/363 "2001-01-18T04:29:12Z")
[mad scientist mode] \*Clearly, ve must first find out vhat ze mokey fvuckink ze futball iss. It iss obviouss zat ze monkey iss ein dumkoph, zo it MUST be a rock. (Ve haff no need to discuss ze other ways in vich zis monkey iss rock-like…😉 ) Given ze rock ztatus of ze monkey, ve know zat ve must use paper to combat it… paper wraps stone.\* [/mad scientist mode] Based on the wisdom of my mad scientist, I defeat your **Monkey Trying to Fuck a Football** with **tabloid newspaper coverage of the monkey**! Then, as a counter-attack, I summon my great strength to reveal… **hard vacuum**!!! Watch in awe as the crowd holds its breath in suspense!!! ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 4:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/364 "2001-01-18T04:38:43Z")
An enigmatic attack can only be countered with one thing: **Unpaid overtime on your day off!** whereas a hard vacuum will surely suck, this straight up blows. If you don’t feel compelled to put a gun barrel in your mouth, I’ll be impressed. To press the attack, I have no choice but to inflict upon you **a pair of Coldfire’s old, dirty bicycle shorts!** ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/365 "2001-01-18T05:03:23Z")
Excellent commentary, **drewbert**! It’s good to see a different perspective of this fine spectacle we know and love. Now, back to our show… So, **Lexicon** goes on the offensive (and I do mean offensive) to unlock the powers hidden within **a pair of _Coldfire’s_ old, dirty bicycle shorts**. Most men would curl up in a corner and snivel like a grown man who just got a whiff of **a pair of Coldfire’s old, dirty bicycle shorts** , but I am no ordinary man. Through my years of training in the ways of **Drunken Rochamboku** , I have learned to drink copious amounts of alcohol without taking a breath, and thus I can without oxygen for days! As a result, I am invulnerable to this attack. Now, feel my wrath as I turn the tables and unleash the **Michael Jackson Single-gloved Crotch Grab** , followed by the lethal combination **Leg Whip and Moon Walk**! Heee-heee!! ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/366 "2001-01-18T05:11:47Z")
The **Michael Jackson Single-gloved Crotch Grab, followed by the lethal combination Leg Whip and Moon Walk!** is stopped dead in it’s tracks by \*\* a nubile young boy\*\*. [sub]One more and he gets his own parish, folks.[/sub] 😉 Your challenge, should you accept it, is to face **the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college**. ---
**Author:** ![Lexicon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ac8455/32.png) [@Lexicon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lexicon)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/367 "2001-01-18T05:24:42Z")
I laugh with unbridled contempt at **the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college.** for I am well-schooled in the arts of **mooch off a rich girlfriend and her family.** You will have to contend with **sexually explicit photos of Beaver and Wally Cleaver found in your desk drawer by the head of HR!** Meager job or no, this will surely spell your DOOM! ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/368 "2001-01-18T05:35:52Z")
**The cost of living in San Francisco with no roommamtes and a meager job, fresh out of college** is no worry to a \*\*mastablasta #4x0r (hacker). \*\* Let me guess, you’re a fine-arts major!? Now, you vile strumpet, you will be forlorne after I unleash **a 1000 paper cuts from those paper footballs I made in 4th grade. And just for good measure a 3in. hang nail!** ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/369 "2001-01-18T06:09:30Z")
\*\*A 1000 paper cuts from those paper footballs I made in 4th grade \*\* mean nothing to me, since I still have the kevlar[sup]tm[/sup] gloves from the time I worked in a glass factory. And as for the **3in. hang nail,** I’m a guy, it doesn’t bother me, you wuss. > [@](#): > > Let me guess, you’re a fine-arts major!? Nope, an Industrial and Systems Engineer and a SQA/systems test consultant. That was merely a ploy based on the lives of others. Sucker. Now, for your insolence: **jelly fish burns on your privates, rubber underwear in the summer and Montezumas’ revenge**. Enjoy. ---
**Author:** ![to\_be\_announced](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/ba9def/32.png) [@to\_be\_announced](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/to_be_announced)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 6:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/370 "2001-01-18T06:25:57Z")
hah!! **cykrider** aka **mastablasta #4x0r (hacker)** just hacked into a virtually unhackable **Windows 98** machine (cause its a hack to begin with)and gave himself a remote **blue screen of death!!** **Lexicon** didn’t you know that the solution to \*\* the cost of living in San Francisco with no roommates and a meager job, fresh out of college \*\* is to join a **satanist, cataclysmic, yet surprizingly well furnished and stocked cult communion house (with a ritual pool in the back yard [where every brother and sister will one day stand to meet their high prest Lord Vishnu from the planet Armatron])** ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 3:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/371 "2001-01-18T15:08:38Z")
Oh baby! Give it too me there! \*\* Jelly fish burns on your privates and rubber underwear in the summer\*\* sounds alot like my high-school days. Ahhh the memories. You’d be suprised what could happen on a trip to the beach, a cooler of beer, and lots of sexy women with PMS. Thus returning from my bi-annual pilgrimage to the Aztec ruins, I bring to the floor one of nature’s most uncanny and devestating treasures. Forged by the hands of Medusa herself I cast upon you the wrath of \*\* The legendary dolphin shaped dildo! With ALL 3 settings: 1. “That’s the spot!” 2. “OH FLIPPER!” and… 3. “Who needs a man?!” \*\* Cower with fear in it’s cacophonous mind-blowing squeels. Feel the wrath of it’s expandable dorsal fin. Stand in bewilderment at it’s multi-orgasmic powers! You’ll never go back to cucumbers again… mmwawaahahhahaha. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 4:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/372 "2001-01-18T16:21:06Z")
**Dolphin** dildo doesn’t stand a chance against **thinksnow** [sub]see sig and do some research[/sub] So here are the standing, as of this post (only those with 5 or greater attacks are included): Scupper…46 jr8…27 thinksnow…26 magdalene…23 foxfyre…21 Busta Rib…20 TkD2DAN…15 Billdo…13 Le Sang…12 Inky-…11 cykrider…10 Osip…08 Lexicon…08 robgruver…07 andygirl…07 Totoro…06 Bear Nemo…06 Milosarian…05 Eutychus…01 **Euty** gets special mention for the **words that _begin_ in gry** attempt. Shows why he is a Moderator and not a fighter, eh? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 4:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/373 "2001-01-18T16:33:24Z")
Even the rootin-est, tootin-est, fastest-vibratin’est **Dolphin Dildo** pales into insignificance when a **Real Man[sub]tm[/sub]** comes along… (Hmmm, thinks **jr8** , it’s time for a plan so cunning even Ben Elton couldn’t come up with an appropriately strong analogy for it. Perhaps a bit of Zen mixed with a bit of obscure TV trivia will befuddle my opponents.) He walks to the center of the ring, pauses for a moment for dramatic effect, and releases: **Ip.** (Ha! thinks **jr8** ; even if countered, I will have had **the last word** …) ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/374 "2001-01-18T17:11:03Z")
**Ip.** is brushed aside by **WB Teen Dramas**. Instead of trying to figure out what the hell “Ip.” means, you all become tragically absorbed with Felicity’s newest hairstyle, Buffy’s new take on lesbian chic, and whether James Van Der Beek’s emerging male pattern baldness will ruin Dawson’s latest love triangle. I am sad that that **Dolphin dildo** was retired so quickly - and where did that **Real Man** get to? NO! Must focus! Using my WonderTwin powers, I make a call to the **Hall of Justice** and give you… **The Superfriends**. All of them. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/375 "2001-01-18T17:27:17Z")
Pah. I banish **the Superfriends** into the **pit of '70’s Saturday morning kitsch** from whence they came by invoking the spirit of **[Lore](http://www.brunching.com/ratings/rate-superfriends.html)** (see also **[here](http://www.brunching.com/ratings/rate-moresuperfriends.html)**). You have ignored and humiliated my **Ip** (which was not very nice of you); therefore I must retaliate with something that _will not be ignored_: **Glenn Close in _Fatal Attraction_**. Lock up your bunnies, folks. ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/376 "2001-01-18T17:33:54Z")
In these many days of battle, I have sensed an ironic comaraderie with you all. If I wasn’t trying to get James Brown on your asses, I would invite you all over for dinner sometime. Maybe after the victor has been crowned. But the fight continues and I must focus now. **magdalene** , foul _ **Temptress of Turpitude** _! To leave **The Superfriends** unfettered in the ring is a brazen move, like farting in a classroom and hoping nobody notices, all the while grasping your Taco Bell Zesty Fiesta burrito. Kudos to \*\*jr8[/] for dispatching them promptly. And now, I counter **Glenn Close in Fatal Attraction** with **Two Shakes of a Lamb’s Tail**. Try figuring out what that means!! ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/377 "2001-01-18T17:45:08Z")
Was there an attack in there somewhere, or were you just countering? My forte will include: **the rediculous cost of shipping and handling** , just try sending something to the one you love! Following that is **rain on your wedding day and a free ride when you’ve already paid**. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/378 "2001-01-18T17:47:16Z")
Isn’t it ironic? Make that “forte” into “sorté.” Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 5:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/379 "2001-01-18T17:54:02Z")
Pah! I say again (and I’ll keep saying it too, partly because I like to, partly because the flying spittle distracts my opponents, and partly because I think it makes me sound like **Londo Mollari**. Pah! Pah! Pah pah pah pah pah papapapapapapapapaoohmowmow papaoohmow mamow…damn! I’m getting distracted. Must concentrate on the matter at hand…). Rain on **my** parade, will you? I counter your attacks with a **Spellchecker of Doom** and an **Unexpected Windfall**. Oh the agony and the ecstasy! I **was** going to use this to counter the **Lamb’s Tail** attack, but since I’ve got it out anyway, prepare to feel the sting of a **Strategically-Placed Rubber Band**! ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2001, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/380 "2001-01-18T18:31:28Z")
Your **Strategically-Placed Rubber Band** is snapped when I **Tickle Your Funny Bone** , causing the **Rubber Band** to simply fall to the floor without inflicting any harm. Now, you harlots!! Suffer the incessant and droll electronic beat of **[Fatboy Slim’s Funk Rockafeller Skank](http://www.amazon.com/exec/obidos/clipserve/B00000D9VL001002/105-6740308-5452711)**!! This aural assault will render your senses useless in seconds!! [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513.md?page=18) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513.md?page=20)