# Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena

**URL:** <https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513>\
**Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\
**Created:** [November 3, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513 "2000-11-03T04:12:34Z")\
**Posts on this page:** 20\
**Page:** 22

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**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/421 "2001-01-19T19:27:58Z")

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I sit corrected. Twice! I think I have too much grease up my nose. Busta must meditate now and then return to the ring, invigorated and refreshed.

[Busta returns to the lotus position, glances to either side, and then levitates out of site and retreats to his Temple of Solitude as **“Leaving On A Jet Plane”** plays in the background.]

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**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/422 "2001-01-19T20:18:53Z")

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I am not in San Francisco - I am in San _Diego_. For that, I counter the current attack with a one-two punch of **three homosexuals** and a **lesbian who never liked “Ellen”**! **thinksnow** and **jr8** both get equal helpings just for getting my new locale wrong. And just to be sure, you both get whallopped on the head with the **CDC website** for good measure, because personally, I’m sick of looking at it.

Esprix

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**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/423 "2001-01-19T20:40:25Z")

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**Domestic Chores** is easily adverted by a **common housewife!**

So I’m a bastard ehh Busta Rib? I know very well who my parents are thank you very much. For that irksome event I’m going to give you a virus. Have fun dealing with this:

#include\<iostream.h\>  
#include\<stdlib.h\>  
#include\<computermanipulation.h\>  
#include\<files.gov.h\>  
void main()  
{

if (Busta Rib==man)  
set penis\_size = 0.2;

else  
set pms = constantly;  
acquire [file.gov](http://file.gov) ="C: erminal78\convicts\highschool\_dropouts\Busta\_Rib;

result= (search for: fetishes\sheep\Busta\_Rib);  
output \<\<result\<\< to: [http://www.yahoo.com](http://www.yahoo.com);  
email \<\<result\<\< to: Busta\_Rib\SO;

alter phone\_number=1-900-GET-SOME;  
alter post\_count=0;  
alter screen\_name=Jack\_Dean\_Tyler;  
}

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**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 8:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/424 "2001-01-19T20:56:52Z")

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\<Walking like a cowboy, **thinksnow** rambles to the  
center of the ring and while ignoring all current attacks  
he grabs the PA and clears his throat\>

“FTR: I think I know the sting of long distance  
and the problems associated with not being able to see the  
object of your interest. So I thank you for adding injury  
to insult.”

“Now, about this can in my can…from this,  
I know it should pass quickly (though painfully) since I’ve  
been eating chili and drinking coffee, so . . . onward.”

\<voice booming, drowning out all other sound\>  
\*\*  
“There shall be a reckoning, and it will begin . . . _now_: ”\*\*

\<faintly, a deep thrumming pulse is felt throughout the  
arena as spectators and competitors alike hear/feel a  
reverberation\>  
_wumwumwumwumwumwumWUMwumWUMwumWUMwumWUM_  
\<dust sifts from the rafters, birds take sudden and  
startled flight\>  
_WUMwumWUMwumWUMwumWUMwumWUMWUMWUMWUMWUM_  
\<stronger and more insistent, the sound and feel infuses  
all that it touches deep in their bones, indeed, to their  
very marrow \>  
_WUMWUMWUMWUMMHHUUUUUMMMMMMMM **MMMMMMMMMM** _  
\<in the distance, a child shrieks and a grown man cries out in his sleep\>

Suddenly, there is a shout- “Look! What _is_ that glowing?!”

\<gasps and stares followed by slack jaws, bugging eyes and  
fainting follow. Those who remain standing witness the  
events to follow, sure they will remember them every day of  
their life\>

In the middle of the ring, standing alone, solitary and  
monolithic, is **ts**. There is a calm surrounding him.  
The events befalling all are not touching him, rather, he  
stands with his arms by his sides, not quite akimbo, head  
ever so slightly dropped, but enough so that he is looking  
somewhat down. Utterly calm, the picture of tranquility.

It starts with the slightest movement: the lifting of his  
shoulders, the thrust of his chest forward followed by the  
raising of his chin. There is a gleam in his eye,  
terrifying to behold, impossible to look away from. In a  
flash, it seems, his arms are moving, his legs are pumping  
and he is a whirling dervish.

Breathless, what remains of the crowd await the inevitable  
attack. Like a force of Nature itself, **ts** boldly  
moves about the ring, contemplating each opponent in turn  
before reclaiming the center of the ring.

Raising his arms with un-clenched fists, rising ever so  
much above the very floor of the arena and unleashing a  
sound so raw, so primal, you can not at first tell that you  
are even hearing it, **thinksnow** releases his attack:

The **anti-climax**.

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**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 9:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/425 "2001-01-19T21:02:37Z")

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I spend all this time making things just right, and it fucks up somewhere…I checked, double-checked and checked again, but no, it fucks up when I send it…

It should read like this:  
“FTR: I think I know the sting of long distance and the problems associated with not being able to see the object of your interest. So I thank you for adding injury to insult.” 😉

“Now, about this can in my can…from this, I know it should pass quickly (though painfully) since I’ve been eating chili and drinking coffee, so . . . onward.”

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**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 9:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/426 "2001-01-19T21:04:54Z")

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Well, that was a let-down. Bugger.

Esprix

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**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/427 "2001-01-19T22:40:47Z")

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Fuck **anti-climax** - that’s easily wiped out by a vintage copy of **Das Kapital**. In the original German.

And am I invisible? I throw out a challenge of **dodgeball** with a **What Time Is It, Mr. Fox?** chaser and everyone just ignores me? Or were you too busy rocking back and forth in the fetal position, crying for you mommies to save you from the mean school bullies.

Just for that, I’m putting you all behind **a someone else’s problem field.** Just try to escape!

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**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/428 "2001-01-19T23:14:03Z")

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I’m shocked mags. I expected more from thou. All Ultimate Rochambo contestants feel indifference to the suffering in others. Compasion is what makes us weak.

I’ll use my stealthly nature and sneek up behind you and **tie your shoelaces together.**

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**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 11:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/429 "2001-01-19T23:52:25Z")

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\< **jr8** returns to the field to discover a number of perfectly good attacks left countered.\> What is this? This has got to be the most cluttered Rochambo arena I’ve ever seen! I would have thought the **Domestic Chores** attack would have sorted it out, but alas, no. And you call yourself _professionals_… **Tsk** …\>

Right – time for a little housecleaning…

I take the **dodgeball** attack and combine it with the discarded **John Woo action sequence** , creating a **John Woo dodgeball sequence** which gets good reviews on the art cinema circuit but tanks at the box office.

I annoy the **three homosexuals** with my **Some of My Best Friends Are Homosexuals** ploy, and offer the **lesbian who never liked the Ellen show** a Yuengling lager, because frankly I never liked it either. And FTR, **I** only said you were on **vacation, Esprix** – I never said _where_.

I counter the insipied **shoelace** attack by wearing **bunny slippers** , and the **What Time is It Mr Fox** attack with my **Cap of Cluelessness** , because frankly I don’t know **what** the hell that is…

**The Sound of Fingernails on Chalkboard** is a tricky one and must be handled with care. Fortunately, I’ve received specialist training in this area, and neutralize it through a **judicious application of lime Jell-o**. this leaves us with **The Sound of Fingernails on Jell-o** , but frankly that’s too lame to even mention. The **CDC Website** can be downed by using \*\* a 12-year-old hacker\*\*.

Let’s see…what’s left? **A hill of beans** …no, I ate those a while ago. Aha! I’ll just sweep away this rubbish here and leave you with the one remaining item in play: a **gazebo**. Try not to scratch the latticework, please…

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**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\
**Post date:** [January 19, 2001, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/430 "2001-01-19T23:57:38Z")

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\< **jr8** returns to the field to discover a number of perfectly good attacks left countered.\> What is this? This has got to be the most cluttered Rochambo arena I’ve ever seen! I would have thought the **Domestic Chores** attack would have sorted it out, but alas, no. And you call yourself _professionals_… **Tsk** …\>

Right – time for a little housecleaning…

I take the **dodgeball** attack and combine it with the discarded **John Woo action sequence** , creating a **John Woo dodgeball sequence** which gets good reviews on the art cinema circuit but tanks at the box office.

I annoy the **three homosexuals** with my **Some of My Best Friends Are Homosexuals** ploy, and offer the **lesbian who never liked the Ellen show** a Yuengling lager, because frankly I never liked it either. And FTR, **I** only said you were on **vacation, Esprix** – I never said _where_.

I counter the insipied **shoelace** attack by wearing **bunny slippers** , and the **What Time is It Mr Fox** attack with my **Cap of Cluelessness** , because frankly I don’t know **what** the hell that is…

**The Sound of Fingernails on Chalkboard** is a tricky one and must be handled with care. Fortunately, I’ve received specialist training in this area, and neutralize it through a **judicious application of lime Jell-o**. this leaves us with **The Sound of Fingernails on Jell-o** , but frankly that’s too lame to even mention. The **CDC Website** can be downed by using \*\* a 12-year-old hacker\*\*.

Let’s see…what’s left? **A hill of beans** …no, I ate those a while ago. Aha! I’ll just sweep away this rubbish here and leave you with the one remaining item in play: a **gazebo**. Try not to scratch the latticework, please…

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**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 12:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/431 "2001-01-20T00:04:59Z")

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Not my fault this time – I submitted once, and my computer promptly crashed. Okay, which wiseguy played the **gremlins**?

OTOH, five minutes in the Penalty Box to me for **failing to properly Preview** - that first sentence should read “ **un** countered”.

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**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 1:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/432 "2001-01-20T01:17:06Z")

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Ya know what? Get out of that penalty box and get in that damn **gazebo** you keep talking about:p. Spending 5 min. in there might shut you up about that thing. And just for good measure I’m gonna lock you in and toss some \*\* blood thirsty and very irate fleas in there.\*\*

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**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 1:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/433 "2001-01-20T01:39:42Z")

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**ckryder** , that was not compassion, that was a twisted attempt to play upon your deepest fears. Apparently, it tanked.

I fill the **gazebo** with **Liesl Von Trapp and Rolf, her Nazi Boyfriend**.

Everyone knows that **Gremlins** die when exposed to **sunlight**.

How will all of you stand against **The Complete Works of Andrew Lloyd Webber, especially _Cats_**

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**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/434 "2001-01-20T02:26:53Z")

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First of all, I’d like to thank all my friends and colleagues who supported me during my time on the “severely though not quite mortally embarrassed list.” It was hard to watch the action from the sidelines, but I did take the time to mentally prepare myself to get back on the court. My only regret is not having returned soon enough to face the **gazebo**. I also wanna thank my mama and Elvis.

And with that out of the way, I counter **The Complete Works of Andrew Lloyd Webber, especially _Cats_** with **The Complete Works of Spike Jones, especially _Dance of the Hours_ with “Doodles” Weaver**.

I counter by replacing your computer hard drive with **twenty million ten-inch floppy disks**.

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**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 6:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/435 "2001-01-20T06:07:55Z")

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Isn’t replacing **twenty million ten-inch floppy disks** just inflicting punishment upon one’s self? Good God, man!! With that, Busta Rib re-enters the Rochambo ring and ponders the carnage before him. Of late, the battles have been sloppy at best, but nonetheless, worthy of the contestants. Kiss my proverbial ass and deal with **24 hours of CSPAN-2**. If you can survive that, you are a better man/woman than me!

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**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 8:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/436 "2001-01-20T08:07:19Z")

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**24 hours of CSPAN-2** is easily countered by **VH-1’s top 100 musical albums (The beatle’s Revolver was #1 btw).**  
Have fun dealing with **the labor pains of natural child birth with triplets**.

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**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 10:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/437 "2001-01-20T10:27:26Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by **jr8** _
> 
> And FTR, **I** only said you were on **vacation, Esprix** – I never said _where_.

I’m not on _vacation_, I moved here.

For that, I dodge your **beer** and retort with **a fine Earl Grey, hot, served British style in a Queen Victoria period ivory tea set.**

You break it, you bought it, bub! Ha!

Esprix

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**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/438 "2001-01-20T20:52:00Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> _Originally posted by cykrider \*  
> Have fun dealing with **the labor pains of natural child birth with triplets**._\*

Is it just the pain, or do I have to deal with the triplets also? I may just have to pass.

**Busta Rib** , I do in fact see the strategic error I made in my previous attack. I was all too eager to defend a particular attack, while not taking the time beforehand to formulate a worthy counterattack. My staff and I are going over strategy, and I shall return to my former glory, such as it was.

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<div class="post-metadata">

**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\
**Post date:** [January 20, 2001, 9:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/439 "2001-01-20T21:15:00Z")

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> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by Esprix \*  
> \*\*
> 
> > [@](#):
> >
> > _Originally posted by **jr8** _
> > 
> > And FTR, **I** only said you were on **vacation, Esprix** – I never said _where_.
> 
> I’m not on _vacation_, I moved here.\*\*

Oops - my bad.

> [@](#):
>
> For that, I dodge your **beer** and retort with **a fine Earl Grey, hot, served British style in a Queen Victoria period ivory tea set.**

I can see why men find you irresistible. Given that my annual tea-to-beer consumption ratio is something like 1000-1, and that I’m partial to a good quality Earl Grey, you’ve come dangerously close to finding my weak spot. Make it a **Georgian tea set** , and I’ll fly to San Diego and clean your house.

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**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\
**Post date:** [January 21, 2001, 1:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/440 "2001-01-21T01:21:17Z")

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I leave for a day and find all this touchy feely crap?

The **labor pains** are cancelled out by the **joys of motherhood**. Or so I’m told…(grits teeth).

Just for making me read all this tea-set chat, I’m going to inflict a **group hug** on everyone.

You guys are the best! I love you all! [[[[[[[[jr8, Busta Rib, ckryder, Scupper!]]]]]] Let’s hug!

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