# Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 3, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513 "2000-11-03T04:12:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 26
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 4:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/501 "2001-01-24T16:48:57Z")
**Scupper** That penalty hurts, but you have left the **boogers…** unanswered. Your **Evolution vs. Creation Great Debates Thread** is buried under \*\* virtual marriages, “I have a crush”, “Who is the cutest…?” and “Which Rochambo Fighter would you most like to have sex with?” threads.\*\* ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/502 "2001-01-24T16:49:30Z")
A **Creationist vs. Evolutionist Great Debates Thread** is no match for **the inane ramblings of Fundies and the Hard-Headed Science-centric**. On that note, I declare this **Post 500, the origin.** All previous posts were created simultaniously and made to appear older, indeed, the **Old Thread Theory**. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 5:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/503 "2001-01-24T17:06:59Z")
**Boogers** and **Old Thread** and all are rocked by a blast from **Spinal Tap**. “Oh look – this thread goes up to **page 11**.” Now beware, for I give you – **Happy Fun Ball**! And remember: _do not taunt Happy Fun Ball_! But wait – that’s not all! I bestow upon myself an **all-expenses-paid trip to Italy** , and sweep dramatically out of the arena! See you in a week, folks! ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/504 "2001-01-24T17:51:16Z")
This is a contest as old as the ages, and I don’t think **Happy Fun Ball** will win. Nay, the crusher of **HFB** will be: **LOG** \*What rolls down stairs, Alone or in pairs, Rolls over your neighbors dog? Is great for snack, and fits on your back? It’s **log log log**. It’s **LOOOoog, it’s LOOOoog** , It’s big it’s heavy, it’s wood! It’s **LOOOoog, it’s LOOOoog** , It’s better than bad, it’s good. Everyone loves a log, Come on, get your log!\* [sub]Thanks to Ren & Stimpy for that one[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 5:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/505 "2001-01-24T17:57:44Z")
For my attack, I **poop sneakily on your head**. ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/506 "2001-01-24T18:51:25Z")
Good God, **thinksnow**!! The use of feces as a projectile is strictly prohibited under the **Charmin Treaty of 1983**! Two minutes in the penalty box for you! Now stop your grinnin’, and drop yer linen. I press my attack with the elusive, yet diabolical \*\* Tom Foolery\*\*!! Used as the catalyst in most hijinks movies, and the occasional sitcom on the WB! ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/507 "2001-01-24T19:18:13Z")
**Tom Foolery** , though popular as a sitcom plot device, pales in significance next to **Mistaken Identity!** \*\*\*“What are we going to do, Jack? He thinks you’re his long lost son!” “We’ve got to keep him convinced long enough for Chrissy to get him to hire her as his assistant! Here, put on this alien suit and pretend you abducted me!”\*\*\* For my next assault, I will use Past Life Regression to summon up the memories of my life as a paleolithic hunter just after the last ice age. Ah, yes. I remember felling many a mastodon with the potent inanity of a **A Guy Who Thinks He Does a Good Impression of Christopher Walken, but Doesn’t!** ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/508 "2001-01-24T20:00:56Z")
Your **a A Guy Who Thinks He Does a Good Impression of Christopher Walken, but Doesn’t** is oh-so-easily defeated by the **Blank Stare of the Dog Being Shown A Card Trick**. Had you dredged up the dreaded **Ubiquitous Bad Jack Nicholson Impression** I would at least have had to dig up something exotic. What will _you_ do in the face of the **Pee Chee folder with doodles rife with Adolescent Longing**?!?! Fear, and tremble as you are laid waste by my _Southern Style **Mad Monkey Rochambo** _! ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/509 "2001-01-24T20:06:32Z")
Drewbert you mongolian whore! You willed me to get the **Flu!** Even though it was countered you through upon us the **reverse placebo effect,** sneaky, very sneaky. Therefore, it is my duty as an American to summon **a frivolous law suite.** ---
**Author:** ![applsmak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@applsmak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/applsmak)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/510 "2001-01-24T20:20:08Z")
your **frivolous law suite** will be tossed aside by **Judge Ito wearing a mini skirt** … and i shall unleash the attack of **a southern-hospitality serving of Maggot Pie…trimmed with the fixins, of course**! (anyone else feel squeemish?) ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [January 24, 2001, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/511 "2001-01-24T21:10:01Z")
Judges, if **thinksnow** has deployed **Log** , does that preclude me from playing **High-Fashion Log for Girls**? And whoever threw that **Maggot Pie** , don’t you feel guilty, now that **Sally Struthers and malnourished children with grotesquely swollen bellies and large pleading eyes** are staring at you in mute, pleading hunger? I thought so. Don’t do it again. For my attack, **the strange paradox of being both hungry and nauseous, created by cheap Chinese food that seemed like a good idea an hour ago**. ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 4:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/512 "2001-01-25T16:50:35Z")
Ah, **The strange paradox of being both hungry and nauseous, created by cheap Chinese food that seemed like a good idea an hour ago.** A classic. You know, Denk Odermaker, the Dutch Rochambo champion of the 86-87 season, used that move on me at the '89 Semifinals. What he didn’t realize was that I’d spent nine months in an Antarctic Penguin Rookery under the tutelage of the reclusive Rochambo master Enobarbus Diphtheria, where I learned that **The strange paradox of being both hungry and nauseous, created by cheap Chinese food that seemed like a good idea an hour ago** can be thwarted by the simple application of **A Stroke-Inducing Wad of Monosodium Glutamate.** [sub]Season to taste.[/sub] And, as a counteroffensive strike, I’ll reach back to my earliest Rochambo experience as a homeless waif on the streets of Bangkok, where we were regularly rounded up and forced to participate in illegal pit-rochambo events to amuse foreigners. I was especially popular at these events, because, as the orphaned child of an executed Welsh opium smuggler, I was a convenient effigy for the West, and they liked to throw soda cans and dead fish at me. It was at one of these barbaric affairs, in 1973 or thereabouts, that I faced Big Billy Tan. My “manager,” Dem Shao Bung, had a lot of money riding on my performance and he’d hinted none too subtly that if I lost to Big Billy he’d sell what was left of me to a trout farm in Laos. Big Billy came at me aggressively, throwing the unusual combination of **Salvador Dali** and **Athlete’s Foot.** Fortunately, I was ready for him and stopped him cold with **Norman Rockwell** and **Dessenex.** Then I hit that fat bastard kid with the attack I’ll re-use today in his memory: **The “Color By Numbers” Version of the _Kama Sutra!_** ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/513 "2001-01-25T17:18:31Z")
Meanwhile, CheapBastid thinks he’s gotten away from the fray with the cowardly use of a **Pee Chee folder with doodles rife with Adolescent Longing**. What he doesn’t know, is that I took a nine month sabbatical from training in 1993, intending to travel the world and clear my head. Much to my dismay, I was set upon by assassins hired by my rival, the Tonga Terror, in the Fern Grotto on the island of Kauai. Six Rochambo-ninjas, employing the characteristic idiotic chattering of Southern Style Mad Monkey Rochambo (not to be confused with the feces-flinging maneuvers of the Northern Style) leapt onto my tour boat right in the middle of the tour guide singing “Meli-Kaliki-Maka.” Though I was thankful that they’d ended that particular number, I was forced by honor (and the fact that they were trying to kill me) to defend myself. After out-maneuvering and downing five of the half-dozen attackers, I faced the leader, a vicious-looking Inuit with a scarred face and a T-Shirt that read “If You’re So Goth, Where Were You When We Sacked Rome?” He, too, attacked me that day with the **Pee Chee folder with doodles rife with Adolescent Longing** , and I was staggered by the attack. As he twisted his scarred face into a grin, doubtless anticipating my early demise would allow him to spend more time in the Grotto Gift Shop, I surprised him with a spur-of-the-moment counter: **A “Guess Who Likes You” Note Folded In The Complex Style only Adolescent Girls Can Master!** A bit rusty, perhaps, but it’ll serve to knock down your **Pee Chee** , just like it did that day. My attack is out there, CheapBastid. Come get some. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 6:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/514 "2001-01-25T18:44:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Scupper \* > I surprised him with a spur-of-the-moment counter: **A “Guess Who Likes You” Note Folded In The Complex Style only Adolescent Girls Can Master!** > > A bit rusty, perhaps, but it’ll serve to knock down your **Pee Chee** , just like it did that day. > > My attack is out there, CheapBastid. Come get some. > \*\* Your **A “Guess Who Likes You” Note Folded In The Complex Style only Adolescent Girls Can Master!** is easily picked off by a **Sexually frustrated High School Math Teacher who seems to constantly have a constipated look on his face**. I expected much more from a fellow traveler such as yourself. No matter. The real question is, what will you now that I have unleashed the mighty and terrifying **Militant Ignorance**? ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/515 "2001-01-25T18:55:44Z")
First, I protest my penalty, as the feces were not a “projectile,” but rather a slowly descending bomb, of sorts. However, since my penalty is long since over, I’ll not gripe too loudly, I just want it on the record that I am, in fact, protesting the wrongful and malicious blight on my character in an effort to besmirch an otherwise pristine record. Henceforth, you are on notice. Second, **CheapBastid** , a fine attempt for your first foray into the competition. As you may have noticed, though, this is no place for the timid and now is no time for the inexperienced. I fear for your safety, as one might that of a kitten in a tree or a dog on the highway, for you sees, this place is dangerous. If you will permit me to proffer some advice: if you intend to stick around, come with both barrels blazing, not just a menacing posture. To wit: the correct counter to \*\* A Guy Who Thinks He Does a Good Impression of Christopher Walken, but Doesn’t\*\* is actually **dogs playing poker**. As I said, your attempt was okay, but it did not hold nearly the octane to defeat such a fine, fine rush as the one from **Scupper**. (As I have now witnessed, hours after this missive was constructed, the honorable **Scupper** has indeed taken you to task. There was little doubt, really, as a Master rarely lets such foibles lapse from their attention) Now, _to the fray!_ **Magdalene** s excellent assault of \*\* the strange paradox of being both hungry and nauseous, created by cheap Chinese food that seemed like a good idea an hour ago\*\* requires some long thought and quick action, as we are all aware of the **uncomfortable tummy-rumblings** that manifest about the same time as the aforementioned paradox. So, I shall spring forward with **Tums** [sup]tm[/sup], a small bag of **Goldfish** [sup]tm[/sup]\*\* Crackers\*\* and a **7Up** [sup]R[/sup]. The clever and cunning \*\* “Guess Who Likes You” Note Folded In The Complex Style only Adolescent Girls Can Master!\*\* can be parried with **the eagle eyed teacher.** \ And to further vanquish you, **she reads the note in front of the class** [Nelson] Ha, ha! [/Nelson] Straight away, I turn and give you: **flowers and the offer to Smile!**. ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/516 "2001-01-25T19:01:39Z")
**Militant Ignorance** is simply no match for **Military Intellegence**. On that note, I give you your promotion. You are now **Chief Marine Corps Pilot, In Charge of the Osprey Program**. [sub]That should finish him off![/sub] ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 7:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/517 "2001-01-25T19:14:53Z")
Before I get some bogus penalty again, that link was posted correctly. Following is the exact text used, save the replacement of with \<\> . \Smile!\ It should have taken you [here.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=36604) I wonder if there might be an issue with the quatation marks when cutting and pasting from Word? ---
**Author:** ![Soupy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a5b964/32.png) [@Soupy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soupy)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/518 "2001-01-25T19:18:27Z")
The answer to **Think Snow** and the military in general, is **Sunshine Laws** which reveal all and melt hidden strengths. ---
**Author:** ![CheapBastid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/8baadc/32.png) [@CheapBastid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CheapBastid)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/519 "2001-01-25T19:30:35Z")
How to take comments from an ‘expert’ who plays the amateurish **Eagle Eyed Teacher**. When you have become wiser in the ways of Rochambo you can then tell me how to properly counter, friend. Your oxymoronic response was expected, and I see that you have fallen into my trap. Your play of promoting me to **Chief Marine Corps Pilot, In Charge of the Osprey Program** has sealed your fate. With my new position I divert funds from the [The International Osprey Foundation](http://www.sancap.com/osprey/tiof.htm) to implicate you in a **Trilateral Commission Conspiracy**. [sub]fnord[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Scupper](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Scupper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scupper)\ **Post date:** [January 25, 2001, 8:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/520 "2001-01-25T20:49:15Z")
CheapBastid’s **Trilateral Commission Conspiracy** shows that he is no neophyte Rochamboka. While it is true that he has only recently shown his face in this competition and that his name is unknown to the World Unlimited Rochambo Federation, rumors circulate wildly that he is using an alias. I meditate on my knowledge of the battalions of Rochambokas I have faced in my travels, trying to find a factor that will allow me to pry inside this newcomer’s mind. Though he is clearly proficient in Southern Style Mad Monkey Rochambo, quiet inquiries into several prominent schools have failed to provide any clues to his true identity. His use of a **Conspiracy Theory** derivative reminds me of the practitioners of the Thirty Fingers of Kali rochambo cult which flourished in Sumatra for centuries. Unfortunately, the last master of that art, Guano Mesopotamia, was killed in a blimp accident over Niagra Falls in 1982 and he claimed to have no students. The **Oxymoron** gambit is reminiscent of the **Double-Negative** assaults commonly launched by the Black Brotherhood of Iram of the Pillars, an obscure but deadly group of Rochambo/Pooh Sticks assassins who train in the trackless deserts of Saudi Arabia, but they are notoriously intolerant of all the Monkey Style schools, so probably not… But enough of this pondering. I will take a chance and guess that perhaps Master Mesopotamia concealed the existence of his last student in order to protect him from the legions of enemies who wished to avenge their defeat at his hands. Therefore, I will counter his **Trilateral Commission Conspiracy** with a **Fellowes® Powershred® 380 Strip Cut Paper Shredder (Office Depot Price $1,299.99),** destroying any paper trail which might lend credence to the conspiracy theory in a succinct “scissors-cuts-paper” counter. Now, for an assault tailored as best as can be done to the unknown characteristics of this shadowy figure, I attack with **Innuendo, Exaggeration, and Outright Slander!** [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513.md?page=25) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513.md?page=27)