# Ultimate Rochambo Fighter Arena **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 3, 2000, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513 "2000-11-03T04:12:34Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 13\ **Page:** 28
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2001, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/541 "2001-01-26T22:40:30Z")
Farewell, my brothers and sisters in arms. So be it, it must end here. With exception of the hickey someone gave me while I was recovering from getting dropped into a vat of MacDonald’s grease, I will wear my battle scars with pride. You are all worthy competitors. I too will retire to my Temple of Solitude to rest, regain my strength, and catch up on my recorded episodes of South Park. Hey, they graduated to the 4th grade!! You bastards!! I’ll leave you all with these parting words until next we all return to the Arena when the competition renews: “If you’re gonna drive, take the car.” ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2001, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/542 "2001-01-26T22:49:16Z")
I feel a great void in my life now. No longer will I run to my room from class to see the mayhem. I think I’ll join Busta and watch some Southpark. Timmy! I wish you all the best of luck in your transition back into society. Remember, we’re dealing with mortals now. Until we meet in the ring again… [cartman] **"Screw you guys, I’m going home!"** [/cartman] ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 26, 2001, 11:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/543 "2001-01-26T23:22:25Z")
And I’ll sneak in one last attack before **Eutychus55** can suspect anything: I throw **668** into the ring, aka **Neighbor of The Beast**!!! Now that’s one **Jedi Mind Trick** , and I raise with the nosy neigbor of **Satan**. I am **Da Bomb** , in the contemporary high school vernacular!!! OK, now I’ll go. ---
**Author:** ![drewbert](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/drewbert/32/15890_2.png) [@drewbert](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/drewbert)\ **Post date:** [January 27, 2001, 12:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/544 "2001-01-27T00:30:42Z")
Ah well, as they say, all good things must come to an end. Mucho thanks to **Inky-** for such a… bizaare yet wildly cool OP. And a pat on the back to all the glorious Rochambo Fighters who have taken part in the battle. May your injuries plague you no more than, say, a month or so. I now leave you all, with the torture that is **Vogon Poetry** : _Oh, freddled gruntbuggly, thy micturations are to me as plurdled gabbleblotchits on a lurgid bee. Groop, I implore thee, my foonting turlingdromes. And hooptiously drangle me with crinkly bindlewurdles, Or I will rend thee in the gobberwarts with my blurglecruncheon, see if I don’t!_ **Paul** : This presentation of the Ultimate Rochambo Challenge may not be reproduced or rebroadcast without written consent of the Ultimate Rochambo League. All rights reversed. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 1:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/545 "2001-01-31T13:17:08Z")
So…the match comes to its climax. It’s all come down to this. The arena is strewn with the wreckage of many opponents and many previous attacks, including my own. My **Bobs** have been laid waste, my **Post-Nasal Drip** run its course, and my **aglets** scattered as chaff before the wind. Very well, then. It is time for the grand finale. The attacks arrayed against me are easily dispelled by the **suitcase full of dirty laundry** brought back from my long trip to Italy – a potent force, to be sure. While there under the guise of a choir tour, I secretly met with the leaders of the deadly _Tartuffo Negro_ Rochambo cult of Sicily, where after fierce negotiation I received a weapon so devastating that I had hoped never to be forced to use it. It is a thing spoken only of in hushed whispers on the SDMB, and even now I hesitate, hoping against hope for another alternative. But no – the time is now. I carry a small wooden crate to the center of the ring. The crowd and my opponents watch in wary silence as I pry open the top and cast it aside. Carefully – ever so carefully – I reach inside and lift out the object within. As it is revealed, the silence is broken by shouts and screams of fear from the crowd, followed by a general stampede for the door. My opponents, too, are wide-eyed and perspiring with fear as I gingerly set the device down before me. It is a compact machine, with an assortment of colored buttons and flashing lights on the top, but what draws their eyes inexorably to it, what the crowd fled in terror, are the words crudely stenciled on the side: **THREADKILLER 2001** I know what they must be thinking. Surely this is a bluff – any attempt to actually \*\*use \*\* such a device would result in my own destruction. Surely I could never do something so mad? Dismissing a passing thought of “Yes I could, and don’t call me ‘Shirley’”, I sneer triumphantly and reach toward the flashing white button that will start the countdown. My opponents shift uneasily but stand their ground; these are no Rochambo rookies to be broken by mere threats. I pause for dramatic effect, and then…_I press the button_. A pleasant female voice rings out across the floor, echoing from the now deserted bleachers: _The Threadkiller 2001 has now been activated. Detonation in 180 seconds and counting…170….160…_ I stand over the machine, watching my opponents unblinkingly. A few turn and run, not waiting to see what happens next; the last few glance nervously at the box as the countdown continues and then back at me, sure that my nerve will give and I will stop the countdown. I stand unmoving over the device as the voice continues its litany: _…130…120…110…_ As the timer nears the 90 second mark, there is a growing feeling of tension in the air as the point of no-return draws closer. All Rochambo veterans knows that it would take at least 45 seconds to get far away enough to escape the impending blast, should it occur. “Feeling lucky, punks?” I say, in a bad Dirty Harry impression. “Or should I press the red button and speed up the timer for you?” There is no reply, but I can see in their eyes that my words have hit their mark. At the one-minute mark, the counter switches to five-second intervals: \* 60…55…50…\*. Finally the last opponents see that I will not be outlasted, will not be reasoned with or threatened, and that I am determined to go down and take them all with me rather than lose. They back away, and then, forgetting all dignity, bolt for the entrance. I am alone in the hall. I laugh in triumph – I have **won**! Crowing my delight, I reach down to hit the green button to stop the countdown. And freeze. Horrified, I realize that my “clash of the tartans” with **Bear Nenno** on page 5 has rendered me permanently colorblind, and I can’t tell which button to press. Is that the green button to stop the bomb – or the red one to set it off more quickly? The voice continues: …_35…30…_ There is no time – I stab at a random button. There is a sudden silence, and I relax. I’ve been lucky. And then a new voice, more sinister, rings out: _Omega Option activated: detonation is in ten…nine…eight…_ I stare a moment at the box in horror, then turn to flee. _…seven…six…_ In my haste, I trip over the remains of a **fruitcake** and fall heavily… _…five…four…_ I attempt to rise, but a sharp pain indicated that my ankle is twisted… _…three…two…_ And to add insult to injury, I realized that I have a **beer-soaked Uno card** stuck to my forehead… _…one…_ **Oh sh…** _\ [sub]\*Okay, so poppies have nothing to do with Rochambo. I like poppies. So there. Get your own thread if you don’t like it.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 2:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/546 "2001-01-31T14:06:28Z")
And to add further insult to you insult on injury, I wander in through the blast site and pluck the **Uno** card from your forehead. Gotta have a complete set, dontcha know. ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/547 "2001-01-31T15:16:46Z")
I’m sure that the **fruitcake** will make a nice christmas gift for the realatives next year too, I’ll go ahead and take that. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/548 "2001-01-31T17:58:39Z")
Is it time to play the **condescending pat on the ass** and the **indifference of the temp worker**? As far as brown-nosing **Euty** goes…Since the tragic Altoid-demented departure of **andygirl** , it occurs to me that I have one weapon that no one else has… ( @ )( @ ) Eutychus, those are **my boobs** , and they are for you. Let it be said of me…“magdalene fights _dirty_.” ---
**Author:** ![Busta\_Rib](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/45deac/32.png) [@Busta\_Rib](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Busta_Rib)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 7:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/549 "2001-01-31T19:42:36Z")
**magdalene** , as **Freddy** (Gene Wilder) in _Young Frankenstein_ said, “What knockers!” Definitely playing dirty. But with **jr8** playing the trump card with the **Threadkiller 2001** (aka **Ultimate Nullifier** ), I believe the competition has ended. But thanks for flashing your boobs to everyone. It’s like Mardi Gras in Nawlins! Here, have some beads. Woo hoo!!! ---
**Author:** ![thinksnow](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thinksnow/32/2849_2.png) [@thinksnow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thinksnow)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/550 "2001-01-31T19:58:21Z")
Geez, **magdalene** , if you had only used the **ass grabbing** and **boobs** before, we could have all gone home weeks ago! Happily, too! See you all next time, it has been an honor. \ _bonk_ \ ---
**Author:** ![applsmak](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/779978/32.png) [@applsmak](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/applsmak)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/551 "2001-01-31T21:01:24Z")
I commend you **jr8** –the courage and the drama of your final attack was absolutely fantastic! Unfortunately, mongrel thieves have already run off with the **UNO card** and the **fruit cake** –damn scavengers!-- So, I’m left empty-handed. No momento by which to remember the greatness and the longevity of such a superb demonstration of primal battle. But…there will always be the memories–of **post-nasal drip** , **Jack Daniels at 3am** , **drunken men in biker bars** , and **the Chinese food hunger/nausea-paradox** –embedded deeply into the recesses of my mind. And this experience will never be forgotten. The Rochambo Match was great while it lasted! Thanx to all! I guess now we can all make the most of our newfound free time… Welcome back to Non-Fiction. ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 10:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/552 "2001-01-31T22:29:31Z")
Can we end with a toast? I raise this **wineskin full of fermented yak’s milk** in praise of all my fellow Rochambo fighters. I would like to drink especially to the SDMB newbies - **Scupper, jr8, BustaRib, ckryder, applesmak** you have been worthy opponents, I have seen you bloodied on the field of battle, and I will not soon forget this day. **thinksnow** and I met long ago in the epic battle against **concrete/jebus/grimhacker** , a chameleon fighter with great staying power but little wit. **Eutychus** , you shine down on us in eternal wisdom. The brave **Milossarian** and I have quaffed many a pint of ale together, and more recently, traded dating advice. And **Inky** , our fearless leader, writer of the best OP since **Evil Nazi Groundhogs**. “Come my friends, 'tis not too late to seek a newer world… to strive, to seek, to find and not to yield.” ---
**Author:** ![cykrider](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f19dbf/32.png) [@cykrider](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cykrider)\ **Post date:** [January 31, 2001, 11:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513/553 "2001-01-31T23:18:02Z")
cykrider walks causally back into on the ring with a nice big grin on his face. 😃 “ **Boy, is it cold in here or what?** ” ( . ) ( . ) [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-rochambo-fighter-arena/39513.md?page=27)