# Ultimate Sarcastic Answer Theatre **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547 "2006-01-18T19:51:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![CandidGamera](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/candidgamera/32/2878_2.png) [@CandidGamera](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/CandidGamera)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/1 "2006-01-18T19:51:15Z")
\*\* At what point should police use lethal force?\*\* - Early, and often. **Was Kingdom of Heaven a sleeper?** - I’m not sure, I dozed off during the opening credits. **Any Fulltime Writers?** - We’re fresh out, I’m afraid. **How to get the funky mildewy smell out of my sneakers?** - Try removing your feet from them. **Why do fireworks always look like they’re coming down at you?** - Your perspective is a little biased, Mr. Hussein. **What if the Information Age had started earlier?** - You get memo? We put cover slab on TPS reports now. **Why Did the Car Dealer Act This Way?** - The Stanislavsky Method. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 7:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/2 "2006-01-18T19:52:26Z")
**How many consultants work at your company?** - Oh, about half of them… ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/3 "2006-01-18T20:07:11Z")
Oh, a sarcasm thread! _That’s_ never been done before! ---
**Author:** ![Anaamika](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/5f9b8f/32.png) [@Anaamika](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anaamika)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/4 "2006-01-18T20:44:44Z")
I love these! Although I can never think of anything good enough to put in here. But I love reading other people’s answers. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/5 "2006-01-18T20:48:43Z")
In MPSIMS: **That Annoying Old Man- What Exactly Is He Doing?** -I don’t want to know, and I don’t think you do either. **Attack of the 50 foot Sequential Threads** -Oh no, I’m soooo scared. :rolleyes: **What is the name of this skirt/dress?** -It usually goes by Ulysses Hobart Maximillian Frunchomper the Fourth, but its friends call it Fred. **Houston Doper meeting in January?** -No. In The Pit: **WTF is it with this forum and "Og?"** -Well, _sniff_ to be honest, we and Og are, you know, having some issues right now. So we would appreciate it if you could just leave us alone, okay? (or, alternately) -OG SMASH! **Stop Calling Me** -But we _like_ you! ---
**Author:** ![Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/cab0a1/32.png) [@Man\_With\_a\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Man_With_a_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/6 "2006-01-18T20:50:21Z")
**Ultimate Sarcastic Answer Theater** Sure, you would consider this the “ultimate”. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/7 "2006-01-18T20:53:47Z")
**Who is the leaker in the NSA and CIA prison stories?** Do we _really_ have to talk about somebody’s urological problems in this forum? ---
**Author:** ![jjimm](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/ba8739/32.png) [@jjimm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/jjimm)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 8:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/8 "2006-01-18T20:57:18Z")
**Is a contact lens actually a lens?** - No, it’s a species of primate. :rolleyes: **Poll: What’s under your bed** - The floor. **What’s on your antenna?** - Your mom. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 9:05pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/9 "2006-01-18T21:05:24Z")
This one seems to invite several “answers”: **Anodizing Titanium Question** • Yeah, like nobody _ever_ asked that question before. :rolleyes: • :: I’ll ask the mods to move this to the Anodized Titanium Forum :: • Band name !!! 😃 ---
**Author:** ![YaWanna](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/y/bbce88/32.png) [@YaWanna](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/YaWanna)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 9:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/10 "2006-01-18T21:48:55Z")
This one answered itself: **Poll: What’s Under Your Bed?** By: **Dead Cat** 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Beware\_of\_Doug](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/278dde/32.png) [@Beware\_of\_Doug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Beware_of_Doug)\ **Post date:** [January 18, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/11 "2006-01-18T23:35:24Z")
**What is your church doing to change public perception?** We tried offering pancake suppers after Black Mass, but I think we’ll have to go further than that. **Help me buy a notebook computer…cheap** You couldn’t afford my consultation fee. **Ladies, I present to you the New Semi Gay Ken Doll.** Shirley Ujest. (OP and comeback in one.) **That Annoying Old Man- What Exactly Is He Doing?** Annoying people? **What do the calories consist of in zero carb alcohol?** Small dense particles known as drunkons. **How should I file my taxes this year? (E-file? Tax software?)** Don’t trust those computers. Make a grrreeeeat big paper airplane and fling it in the direction of IRS district headquarters. Good luck! **Test thread, test post.** You passed. Congratulations. Now post something worth reading. **Which is worse: drinking a lot of beer everyday or the equivalent whisky?** Depends which you care about least: your waistline or your wallet. **Penis Yeast?** No thanks, I never touch the stuff. **Do we really want SCOTUS confirmations to go like this?** No, let’s set them to the music of Gilbert and Sullivan. **How big a problem is pedophilia, really?** Hey, if you have a car and a bag of candy, it’s a piece of cake. **Sitcoms with laugh tracks that are actually funny** If you find laugh tracks funny in themselves, you need psychiatric help. **What if the Information Age had started earlier?** Too much information. **I need more fun sites to visit. Recommend me a site.** [http://www.howdoyoukeepanidiotinsuspense.com](http://www.howdoyoukeepanidiotinsuspense.com). Hours of fun. Trust me. **Do you let your significant other in the bathroom while you’re on the toilet?** You let her in the _bathroom?_ God, you’re pathetic. Grow a pair. **What job search engine to use? Monster, HotJobs, CareerBuilder, other?** I recommend [cluelessunemployedloser.com](http://cluelessunemployedloser.com). You should feel right at home. ---
**Author:** ![spiralscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/12 "2006-01-19T00:01:10Z")
**Is anybody still playing Star Wars Galaxies?** Just you and that other guy living in his mom’s basement **Best Kinks Albums** The one they didn’t record \*\* bastardized work from book to screen?\*\* They’re doing art based on your life? **Help me ID this story about Satan defeating God** Roe v. Wade **Irish Oatmeal** 1 part oats, 1 part whiskey **So how is the NHL doing?** Fine, now that you’ve stopped calling **A job dilemma- should I stay or should I go, now?** Joe Strummer died, try Big Audio Dynamite again. **Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids?** You’re the one who forgot to put them back in the 'fridge **What is your calendar of?** Usually the days and dates that make up the year. **I try to become Gay for Science.** Science says it likes you just the way you are and appreciates the thought, but still only wants to be friends. **Jumping in the name change bandwagon** Changing your name won’t make people like you any better. **Hell yeah! School’s out tomorrow!** You’ll get that GED in no time. **Dumbest reason for lack of nookie I can think of** Aside from you being the only option? **Jesus says it’s WRONG to kill!** But the voices in your head say otherwise? **driver’s safety help???** Put down the cell phone. **Sports fans vs. LARPers: Who’s lamer?** The person who thinks there’s some real difference. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/13 "2006-01-19T00:11:11Z")
**I’m looking for a five-foot plastic shark…** You’re gonna need a smaller boat. **How much credit card fraud isn’t really fraud?** None? **How much does smoking cigarettes cost you annually?** A few hundred dollars. Luckily, I won’t have to pay it for too many years. **Really, REALLY stupid question about piss tests** No; style doesn’t count. **Have you ever had a horoscope that was right on?** “Today you will be plagued by stupid questions.” **What is your calendar of?** Mine has the months on it. **Is this a normal child’s behavior?** It depends. Is that the blood of _his_ enemies, or yours? ---
**Author:** ![JohnBckWLD](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/d6d6ee/32.png) [@JohnBckWLD](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnBckWLD)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/14 "2006-01-19T00:22:07Z")
Many thanks, iamthewalrus(:3=. Kudos ---
**Author:** ![Leviosaurus](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/439d5e/32.png) [@Leviosaurus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leviosaurus)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/15 "2006-01-19T00:25:06Z")
From **Is this joke funny?** **robardin** : my own wife got so snippy with me that I began addressing her as “Your Pregnancy”, which she inexplicably found irritating even after 10 or 11 times. **NoClueBoy** : … DAMN! Your wife has been pregnant 11 times!? ---
**Author:** ![Smeghead](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f1d935/32.png) [@Smeghead](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Smeghead)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/16 "2006-01-19T00:38:36Z")
> [@Max Torque](#): > > Oh, a sarcasm thread! _That’s_ never been done before! Ooooh, a sarcasm detector. That’s a GREAT invent…BOOM! ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bruin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e274bd/32.png) [@Queen\_Bruin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bruin)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/17 "2006-01-19T00:44:12Z")
> [@Smeghead](#): > > Ooooh, a sarcasm detector. That’s a GREAT invent…BOOM! Great. All over the new rug. I suppose _I_ have to clean it up. ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/18 "2006-01-19T00:55:04Z")
> [@The Sausage Creature](#): > > Great. All over the new rug. I suppose _I_ have to clean it up. Yeah, because the hamsters will totally act as your personal maid service. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![spiralscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 12:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/19 "2006-01-19T00:59:10Z")
**Odd smells you love.** Maybe you should just tell your SO they need to shower more often **Gag “Napoleon Dynamite” gifts for a 12-year-old?** I’m not trying to swallow movie merchandise for anyone, regardless of their age **How to get the most money selling used CDs** Steal someone else’s CDs **What Is the Relationship Between These People?** They all don’t care for you. **Rabbit meat** Duck meat **On what basis does Iran deny the Holocaust?** They hate Jews **What is your church doing to change public perception?** Not molesting children **What does it mean to “have a life”?** Go outside and find out **Why is it so fucking hard to get a working computer?** Because you touch yourself I could do this all day… ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 1:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/20 "2006-01-19T01:08:29Z")
**Gauged piercing question (warning: stupid)** Actually, Federal Law prevents brain peircings. **Urine is dark orange. Is this bad?** It’s better than blue. **Should/can the Security Council do something about Iran?** Yes/No. Respectively. **Why do fireworks always look like they’re coming down at you?** Gravity. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547.md?page=2)