# Ultimate Sarcastic Answer Theatre **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 18, 2006, 7:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547 "2006-01-18T19:51:15Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Sublight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/439d5e/32.png) [@Sublight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sublight)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/21 "2006-01-19T02:25:22Z")
**What’s a good investment for 1000 - 1500 dollars?** I’ve got a very small bridge here. **Laser printer recommendations for envelope feeding?** Start with Oki 10ppm desktop models until your envelope is fully weaned. It should then be ready to move on to stand-alones. **Suppose you won the Lottery, how would you claim it?** For Spain. Duh. **Is this a normal child’s behavior?** After seeing your family? Definitely. **Tailgaters – why do you do it?** You honestly expect me to sit through a Jets game _sober?_ **My Toddler Thinks He’s A Hamster- Advice?** Fund his college education renting him out to Richard Gere. **Ever used [FamilySearch.org](http://FamilySearch.org)?** Poor kid, still thinks Mom and Dad “forgot” to tell him they were moving. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 2:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/22 "2006-01-19T02:52:16Z")
**I’d murder for a bloody fag** You COULD just buy them like everyone else, you know. Of course, then you’ll have to bloody them yourself. **Ogre again pleads to Internet strangers for emotional succor** I’m sure you’ll understand, therefore, why it pains me so much to have to tell you to piss off and die. **Shit we aussies got culture** Grammar, not so much. **I wanna shoot a tranger** What a trange thing to say in public. **Suppose you won the lottery, how would you claim it?** I’d show them my ticket and say, “Can I have my money, please?” **Things to do in Vegas** I hear some people like to gamble. **The limits of "It’s my body"** Pretty much where “It’s not my body” begins. **Aren’t you tired of all the global warming crap?** Are you kidding? I _never_ get tired of all the global warming crap! **First overseas travel (amsterdam) what do I need to know** 1. The first letter of the city name is usually capitalized. 2. In case you are having trouble finding it, it’s in the Netherlands. ---
**Author:** ![El\_Kabong](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/el_kabong/32/496_2.png) [@El\_Kabong](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/El_Kabong)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 3:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/23 "2006-01-19T03:09:05Z")
Ooh, ooh, forgot a few: **Poll: What’s under your bed** Planet Earth, last I checked. **What’s on your antenna?** The head of that fool who cut me off on I-45 yesterday. **Jesus says it’s WRONG to kill!** Yeah, well, what guy about to get nailed to a cross wouldn’t? **My Toddler Thinks He’s A Hamster- Advice?** Fill the water bottle every day, change the newspaper at least once a week, and get him a wheel – they love that. ---
**Author:** ![wolf\_meister](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wolf_meister/32/15202_2.png) [@wolf\_meister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wolf_meister)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 4:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/24 "2006-01-19T04:40:39Z")
**My Toddler Thinks He’s A Hamster- Advice?** _Please_, have him send a job application to the Straight Dope Message Board. Things couldn’t possibly get any worse!!! ---
**Author:** ![Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a8b319/32.png) [@Spatial\_Rift\_47](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spatial_Rift_47)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 4:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/25 "2006-01-19T04:53:25Z")
This one was too good to resist, from IMHO: **Does this look like Jesus?** -Good Og, NO! And put your pants back on! And while I’m at it: **Lets do it in Software** - (… this one practically writes itself, folks) Gee, don’t you think we should get a room instead? **Recommend a Perl scripting book. Please?** -Okay, try _Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Repair_. Hey, you never said it had to be a GOOD Perl scripting book. From Cafe Society: **piracy or not piracy?** -I’ll have the chicken, please. OR, alternately: -That is the question Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer The slings and arrows of outrageous lawsuits Or to take arms against a sea of lawyers And by opposing go bankrupt. To cheat, to steal– No more–and by a steal to say we end The paying, and the thousand natural dollars That music is heir to. 'Tis a consumption Devoutly to be wished. To cheat, to steal– To steal–perchance to enjoy: ay, there’s the rub, For in that theft of music what fines may come When we have shuffled off this iTunes, Must make us hit “pause.” ---
**Author:** ![spiralscratch](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/dfb087/32.png) [@spiralscratch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/spiralscratch)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 7:10am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/26 "2006-01-19T07:10:09Z")
**I got a papercut in my nose.** Quit snorting confetti **Age of the earth - Hebrew scholars** = still a bunch of dinosaurs **Nader wants to nationalize the auto industry?** Unsafe at any speed **In reincarnation supported by the Bible?** Maybe, but not by reality **History what if: Lincoln not assassinated.** He’d still be dead by now **Can women truly become lesbian by choice?** How much cash and alcohol do you have on you? ---
**Author:** ![Dead\_Cat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/9fc29f/32.png) [@Dead\_Cat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dead_Cat)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/27 "2006-01-19T15:13:38Z")
> [@YaWanna](#): > > This one answered itself: > > **Poll: What’s Under Your Bed?** By: **Dead Cat** > > 😛 Ha! Finally my username comes into its own :). > [@iamthewalrus(:3=](#): > > Should/can the Security Council do something about Iran? > Yes/No. Respectively. Of course, replace “Security Council” with “U.S.” and you can reverse your answer :). ---
**Author:** ![Gozu\_Tashoya](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/7993a0/32.png) [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 8:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/28 "2006-01-19T20:11:22Z")
\*\*Explain how Satan designed the Great Seal of the USA! \*\* I’m pretty sure he used a Mac. **Anybody Got It All Together - Truly?** Yes. You wouldn’t believe how much duct tape it took. (Alternatively: Yes. Biggest Katamari ever.) **Must I participate in the spoiling of your kids?** Well, he’s not getting an Xbox 360 from _me_. ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [January 19, 2006, 9:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547/29 "2006-01-19T21:32:35Z")
**Poll: How picky are you about food left in the fridge?** Less picky than I am about food left in the garbage. **A job dilemma- should I stay or should I go, now?** Your coworkers took a poll, and were in agreement: go. **What do they call it if you can’t wake up from anaesthesia?** Death. **What Would Cause Bottle Caps to Loosen?** Have you tried turning it? **Hollywood leans left: why?** Land tends to slope down toward the ocean. **What if the Information Age had started earlier?** It would be over sooner. **Experiences getting a recreational pilot’s license.** In the “Reason for license” field, do not write “Shits and giggles.” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/ultimate-sarcastic-answer-theatre/340547.md?page=1)