# Um...I'm Not Sure What to Say About this Story: **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 30, 2005, 9:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446 "2005-11-30T21:39:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![Pixiesnix](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/898d66/32.png) [@Pixiesnix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Pixiesnix)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2005, 7:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/41 "2005-12-01T19:20:33Z")
News about bestiality I can handle, however warped it is. But this… > [@](#): > > **Kalhoun** wrote: > Back in the '80s, some dude was caught in Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo getting jiggy with a cow. Why did the zoo have a _cow_ ? ---
**Author:** ![Steve\_MB](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/steve_mb/32/5339_2.png) [@Steve\_MB](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Steve_MB)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2005, 7:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/42 "2005-12-01T19:24:57Z")
> [@Larry Mudd](#): > > I didn’t even _know_ they made dog-penis-shaped dildos. Some ignorance should just be left alone. ---
**Author:** ![Slithy\_Tove](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/slithy_tove/32/18248_2.png) [@Slithy\_Tove](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slithy_Tove)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2005, 8:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/43 "2005-12-01T20:23:11Z")
For me, the most disturbing aspect of this story is that the deceased was a Boeing engineer. Next time you fly, your safety will have been determined in part by someone who hadn’t fully considered the dynamics of a horse’s penis in the human rectum ---
**Author:** ![Nature\_s\_Call](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/nature_s_call/32/19006_2.png) [@Nature\_s\_Call](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nature_s_Call)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2005, 8:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/44 "2005-12-01T20:31:14Z")
Tait: Can’t come in to work today. Boss: Sorry to hear that. Got the flu? Tait: Nah, I’m just feeling a little horse. Ba dum bump… ---
**Author:** ![AskNott](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/asknott/32/5790_2.png) [@AskNott](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AskNott)\ **Post date:** [December 1, 2005, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/45 "2005-12-01T23:25:06Z")
Well, I guess we’ll have to amend the answer to that perennial question: **Are there really any snuff porno films?** Now there’s one. ---
**Author:** ![Scruloose](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e68b1a/32.png) [@Scruloose](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Scruloose)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 12:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/46 "2005-12-02T00:11:44Z")
> [@Kalhoun](#): > > Back in the '80s, some dude was caught in Chicago’s Lincoln Park Zoo getting jiggy with a cow. Jonathan Brandemeier (DJ Extraordinaire) wrote a little song to commemorate the moment. A-hem… > > "Moo-moo > I love you > I know you’re a cow but anything’ll do. > I said > Ooo-weee > Can’t ya see > I just wanna make loooove to you. > > And they say some guys just can’t get a date… Wow - that takes me back. Too bad Uncle Larry & Little Tommy aren’t still around doing _Animal Stories_… [Little Tommy] OK, so the guy’s dead. But is the horse O.K. Uncle Larry? [/LT] ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 12:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/47 "2005-12-02T00:42:59Z")
I wonder if he can turn this into successful new career. “Hi, I’m James Michael Tait. You might remember my arrest after sneaking into a barn to have sex with a horse. You probably wondered why I would do such a thing. Well, wonder no more! I explain everything from how I first began to lust after stallions, to who did what to who and how in my lecture ‘Ride Me, Baby!’ Tickets are sure to go fast. So hurry up and call. I’m sick and you know you want to hear about it!” Eventually, he’d end up on Letterman. ---
**Author:** ![flurb](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/51bf81/32.png) [@flurb](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/flurb)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 12:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/48 "2005-12-02T00:48:44Z")
> [@KCSuze](#): > > Why did the zoo have a _cow_ ? Those city folk. . . [shakes head in bemusement] ---
**Author:** ![Larry\_Mudd](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/f14d63/32.png) [@Larry\_Mudd](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Larry_Mudd)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/49 "2005-12-02T01:09:51Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > I wonder if he can turn this into successful new career. > > “Hi, I’m James Michael Tait. You might remember my arrest after sneaking into a barn to have sex with a horse…” Maybe he could make some scratch serving as a consultant to actors intending to take on the role of Alan in Peter Shaffer’s _Equus_. I doubt there’s a lot of competition for that. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/50 "2005-12-02T01:29:14Z")
> [@astro](#): > > You got to wonder what he thought would happen when a 2 foot dong with 1000 lbs of horny horsemeat behind decided to get busy. One of my friends has dated _two_ women who loved horses in ways that most horse-lovers don’t. One put it on videotape for her later viewing enjoyment, which my friend found in her closet–it was relabeled and hidden in the box for Blade Runner. Needless to say, he was a little surprised at the movie he saw. The other one offered (several times) to put on a show for him at the farm. He declined. Presumably both girls were healthy and sustained no damage to their genitalia or other body parts, as he certainly would’ve noticed. > [@KCSuze](#): > > Why did the zoo have a cow? You’d think they’d know better in Chicago, of all places! ---
**Author:** ![clairobscur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/839c29/32.png) [@clairobscur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/clairobscur)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 1:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/51 "2005-12-02T01:29:28Z")
> [@Jeep's Phoenix](#): > > [Nope.](http://www.seattleweekly.com/features/0545/051109_news_horsesex.php) > > From the article… > > “The man who died during the incident suffered a perforated colon after being penetrated by the neighbor’s horse, investigators say.” I know that I shouldn’t be surprised anymore by anything sexually related I read on tis board, but still… :eek: :eek: And I can help wondering…how exactly did they manage to achieve such a thing??? ---
**Author:** ![panamajack](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/47e85d/32.png) [@panamajack](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/panamajack)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 1:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/52 "2005-12-02T01:38:56Z")
I was even more lost at first … I read it as “fatal horse-sex cake”. In case anyone was wondering, the tune to the song **Inigo Montoya** brought up is “Tie Me Kangaroo Down, Sport”. (No, really). [spoiler]Give it deep to a sheep, boys, give it deep to a sheep … We also sang : Give head to the dead, boys, give head to the dead … (Necrophilia’s best) [/spoiler] ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 2:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/53 "2005-12-02T02:24:44Z")
> [@KCSuze](#): > > Why did the zoo have a _cow_ ? Because it wouldn’t listen to Bart Simpson, of course! 😛 ---
**Author:** ![Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/e19adc/32.png) [@Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/54 "2005-12-02T04:32:09Z")
Didn’t Big & Rich have a song about this a couple years ago? \ Save a horse, ride a cowboy. ---
**Author:** ![The\_Scrivener](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@The\_Scrivener](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Scrivener)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 4:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/55 "2005-12-02T04:57:30Z")
I don’t mean to stirrup trouble or come off all whinny, but I’m bridling at the lowbrow puns in this thread – and I just don’t think I’m gonna bend over and take it any more. Something’s gone seriously arrears when us Dopers stoop this low. When you wallow in muck like this to sow your wild MPSIMS oats, nothing good can come from it, and such threads never a_mount_ to much. Let’s face it, penetrating material this ain’t. So put a leash on it and sod off. Don’t make me put my foot down (several times, if necessary), people! ---
**Author:** ![Marley23](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/45deac/32.png) [@Marley23](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marley23)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 5:05am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/56 "2005-12-02T05:05:16Z")
> [@DocCathode](#): > > I wonder if he can turn this into successful new career. > > “Hi, I’m James Michael Tait. You might remember my arrest after sneaking into a barn to have sex with a horse. You probably wondered why I would do such a thing. Well, wonder no more! I explain everything from how I first began to lust after stallions, to who did what to who and how in my lecture ‘Ride Me, Baby!’ Tickets are sure to go fast. So hurry up and call. I’m sick and you know you want to hear about it!” Here’s hoping they sentence him to make speeches to high school students about why it’s wrong to do what he did. That’d shake those kids up pretty good. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 6:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/57 "2005-12-02T06:53:04Z")
> [@Scruloose](#): > > But is the horse O.K. Uncle Larry? Of course not! Tait didn’t even call the next morning. > [@Slithy Tove](#): > > Next time you fly, your safety will have been determined in part by someone who hadn’t fully considered the dynamics of a horse’s penis in the human rectum Rectum? Damn well killedum! ~d & r~ ---
**Author:** ![Clock](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e19adc/32.png) [@Clock](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clock)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 8:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/58 "2005-12-02T08:06:20Z")
> [@Nature's Call](#): > > Tait: Can’t come in to work today. > Boss: Sorry to hear that. Got the flu? > Tait: Nah, I’m just feeling a little horse. > > Ba dum bump… Well git on yer horse and ride 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/bc8723/32.png) [@Fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fish)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/59 "2005-12-02T08:36:25Z")
Two legs good, four legs **bad**. ---
**Author:** ![Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9a140/32.png) [@Miss\_Purl\_McKnittington](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miss_Purl_McKnittington)\ **Post date:** [December 2, 2005, 10:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446/60 "2005-12-02T10:00:41Z")
There really is an ee cummings [poem](http://www.americanpoems.com/poets/eecummings/344) for every occasion. "the way to hump a cow is not to get yourself a stool but draw a line around the spot and call it beautifool . . . the way to hump a cow is not to elevate your tool but drop a penny in the slot and bellow like a bool" I’ve no idea what half of it means, but I’m amazed. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/um-im-not-sure-what-to-say-about-this-story/333446.md?page=4)