# Umm...gosh...no, I don't actually want to suck your cock, but...thanks for asking? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [July 11, 2013, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247 "2013-07-11T20:03:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Stoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/stoid/32/272_2.png) [@Stoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Stoid)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 8:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/1 "2013-07-11T20:03:24Z")
The back story: Sweet, quiet, blonde and cute, anxiety-plagued and thoughtful 28 year old Texas man comes to my door 8 months ago to sell his services as a gardener for a shockingly low price. (Like… $10 bucks. Wha?) Turns out he lives a couple blocks away with his girlfriend. I help him do a flyer, he cleans up my front lawn and fixes my gate. We have a couple of pretty personal conversations where I hear his sad tale of a baby dying of SIDS, family acrimony, various struggles, he gets kinda teary…I’m completely sympathetic, supportive. Give him a hug. By the way, he has an almost unbelievably perfect Texas drawl and manner of speaking, very slow, quiet, twangy and ultra, ultra Southern boy respectful: Yes, ma’am, no ma’am, alright ma’am… I try to arrange a barter with him for some work, that became weirdly awkward, he was[supposed to finish](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=686146) fixing the gate he’d worked on, never showed. Contacted me randomly over the next few months to borrow $2 for laundry, $1.50 for the bus, a couple of Xanax cuz his scrip ran out. All fine. End of May I call and email because I want him to help with the back garden. Never answers either one, I figured he might have left town, maybe he felt strange because he’d been so vulnerable with his poverty.. oh well. Then, July 7 he writes: > [@](#): > > hey there: > helloo long time im sory not to get in touch as much but i hope your doing well this may be going too far but are you available… I reply later that night when I get it: > [@](#): > > Am I available for what? Glad to hear back from you I was a little concerned. He replies but I don’t see til the next day: > [@](#): > > well its hard to explain are you up tonite Next day I write: > [@](#): > > Hey XXX I went to bed after I wrote you, I haven’t known you to be so on top of your email. And today this is the first I’ve checked my email. > > Give me a call. xxx-xxx-xxxx, Pretty much any time. Later that day I write again: > [@](#): > > Dagnabbit, man, please respond! Enough with the mystery! If you don’t have a working phone, come by the house. No word so two days later: > [@](#): > > CALL WRITE DROP BY > See, this is why I wasn’t hanging by my computer expecting you to respond immediately! Yesterday on my way to the vet, I see him working in a neighbor’s yard, stop to chat and fill my tire: Me: hey, so what were you wanting to talk about? Oh, no big deal. Nothing. Me: Okay, see you later! Bye. THIS is the email I get last night: > [@](#): > > sorry again to bother: > im not ever getting any and i was wondering if you would maybe want to suck my cock please dont call the number you have for me cause thats not me anymore this is crazy to ask but i am there it is i just want to get a little its been awhile what do you say? followed one minute later by: > [@](#): > > and: > i hope this doesnt make you think negative of me for this :eek:😕:eek: Followed by some of the best laughing I’ve done in quite awhile. It’s just so…genuine. And as I’ve said, genuine’s where it’s at with me. But still, the complete lack of any pretense at all , Not “how about we get together to fool around” not even an offer to do me in exchange, just “I was wondrin’ if you would maybe wanna suck my cock.” As the title says: Ummm, no, but… I guess thanks for asking! ---
**Author:** ![nearwildheaven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/90db22/32.png) [@nearwildheaven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/nearwildheaven)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 8:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/2 "2013-07-11T20:13:34Z")
ooooookay… ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 9:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/3 "2013-07-11T21:20:37Z")
I had someone similar stop by one day. Ended up hiring him, for cash, a couple of times to do yard work. But all I got was his girlfriend stopping by looking for bail money. ---
**Author:** ![JCFindley](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/j/b38774/32.png) [@JCFindley](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JCFindley)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 9:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/4 "2013-07-11T21:29:20Z")
Thanks, I needed that laugh. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 9:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/5 "2013-07-11T21:37:37Z")
> [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](#): > > I had someone similar stop by one day. Ended up hiring him, for cash, a couple of times to do yard work. But all I got was his girlfriend stopping by looking for bail money. Hmm…interesting username/post/OP combo. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![zoid](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/zoid/32/336_2.png) [@zoid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/zoid)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/6 "2013-07-11T22:23:40Z")
> [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](#): > > I had someone similar stop by one day. Ended up hiring him, for cash, a couple of times to do yard work. But all I got was his girlfriend stopping by looking for bail money. Shit, the last time I let a guy rake my leaves I gave him 1/2 up front and told him I’d be back in an hour from the store to give him the rest. SOB took the up front money, never touched the leaves, stole my rake and never looked back. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/7 "2013-07-11T22:31:11Z")
Smooth talker that one is. I’ll have to write that down in case I need it. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/8 "2013-07-11T22:32:13Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Shit, the last time I let a guy rake my leaves I gave him 1/2 up front and told him I’d be back in an hour from the store to give him the rest. SOB took the up front money, never touched the leaves, stole my rake and never looked back. So a blow job was out of the question? ---
**Author:** ![pravnik](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/8edcca/32.png) [@pravnik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pravnik)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/9 "2013-07-11T22:37:35Z")
> [@Loach](#): > > So a blow job was out of the question? Bring back the rake first. ---
**Author:** ![Procrustus](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/procrustus/32/2994_2.png) [@Procrustus](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Procrustus)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/10 "2013-07-11T22:40:45Z")
> [@](#): > > Umm…gosh…no, I don’t actually want to suck your cock, but…thanks for asking? Damn, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this… ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 10:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/11 "2013-07-11T22:50:27Z")
> [@zoid](#): > > Shit, the last time I let a guy rake my leaves Can’t find an entry for “rake my leaves” on Urban Dictionary.? ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/12 "2013-07-11T23:06:14Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > Damn, if I had a nickel for every time I’ve heard this… …I’d have 8 nickels! Sorry, I was just reading the Archer quotes thread. ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/13 "2013-07-11T23:19:17Z")
Good lord, how awkward. However, it’s a little bit better than the craigslist Casual Encounters section- which I have only looked at out of morbid curiosity btw!- where strangers post things like “come over to my house and suck my dick”. I’m like, “Who would… do women really… what the hell?” I really would like to know if this ever works. If it does, maybe Texas boy should look into it. ---
**Author:** ![HoneyBadgerDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honeybadgerdc/32/1033_2.png) [@HoneyBadgerDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HoneyBadgerDC)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/14 "2013-07-11T23:24:00Z")
Several years ago I put an add on [match.com](http://match.com). I was looking for something catchy so I titled my add " handy man with no honey do". It was kind of sad how many single women were willing to trade sex for some repairs they couldn’t afford. That was not my intention. Most of them were kind of shy and tactful about it but were really in need. I did a lot of free small repairs and really didn’t have the heart to just accept sex unless I felt some kind of chemistry or at least an attraction. I accepted a few simply because they said they really wanted to. ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/15 "2013-07-11T23:26:27Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > I really would like to know if this ever works. If it does, maybe Texas boy should look into it. Think he has Internet access? ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/16 "2013-07-11T23:31:56Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > Think he has Internet access? He was sending all those messages by email, right? ---
**Author:** ![VinylTurnip](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/b2d939/32.png) [@VinylTurnip](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VinylTurnip)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/17 "2013-07-11T23:42:13Z")
So when you disappear without a trace, I guess they should check the garden first? ---
**Author:** ![kayaker](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayaker/32/441_2.png) [@kayaker](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayaker)\ **Post date:** [July 11, 2013, 11:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/18 "2013-07-11T23:54:18Z")
> [@Alice\_The\_Goon](#): > > He was sending all those messages by email, right? HAH! To the Library, Robin! :smack: ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2013, 12:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/19 "2013-07-12T00:01:52Z")
> [@kayaker](#): > > HAH! To the Library, Robin! > > :smack: I guess it does work! ---
**Author:** ![Zago](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/ecccb3/32.png) [@Zago](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zago)\ **Post date:** [July 12, 2013, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247/20 "2013-07-12T00:26:10Z")
At first I thought this the most outrageous/funniest proposition one could ever encounter and then I remembered one from my distant past that was nearly as bad. I was so flummoxed that I couldn’t even respond. I pretended to misunderstand, well, I’m not sure I was even pretending because I was in shock. In my case the guy was politely asking for sex, (because, due to circumstances, he wasn’t getting any) not just for me to suck his cock, so presumably there was something in it for me. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/umm-gosh-no-i-dont-actually-want-to-suck-your-cock-but-thanks-for-asking/663247.md?page=2)