# Unbelievable stuff you say at work **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [January 5, 2006, 11:04pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656 "2006-01-05T23:04:58Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Nocturne](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/9fc348/32.png) [@Nocturne](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nocturne)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 10:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/21 "2006-01-06T10:11:17Z")
> [@Cardinal](#): > > I was in a plant nursery. > > Customer: I’d like something that’s drought resistant and doesn’t need much attention; something that’s really hardy and will last a long time. > > Employee: Have you thought of silk? I would’ve suggested kudzu. ---
**Author:** ![Hostile\_Dialect](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/e495f1/32.png) [@Hostile\_Dialect](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Hostile_Dialect)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 10:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/22 "2006-01-06T10:29:43Z")
Not at work, but I once unknowingly told the punchline to the following baby joke (not for the squeamish) at the exact moment that our teacher walked into the room in high school: [spoiler]How do you make a baby stop crying? Pull your dick out of its ass.[/spoiler] > [@LiveOnAPlane](#): > > This is off topic from your question, and I apologize, but way back when, I worked for bus companies, Trailways and later, Greyhound. I’d always answer the phone like this: “Good afternoon, Greyhound.” About 1 in 20 callers would set my teeth on edge by replying, “Is this Greyhound?” Usually I’d just say that yes, it was. But sometimes, I’d say no, it was Trailways; the number for Greyhound was xxx-xxxx (which was the exact number they’d just called!) Sure enough, a moment later, the phone would ring and thy’d hear the SAME guy (me) saying, “Good afternoon, Greyhound.” I sometimes do this (ask “Is this Greyhound?” …except I don’t ever call Greyhound), but only if the person answering the phone is fairly incomprehensible. For example, I recently called a coffee house called Milano Coffee and was greeted with “Milano Coffee” spat out at about 97 MPH, which sounded to my ears exactly like “You wanna coffee?” I sat silent for a moment, thinking about how unprofessional of an opener that was, then I said the only thing I could think of: “Er, uh, is this Milano Coffee?” I sensed annoyance on the other end, at which point I realized that that first line was “Milano Coffee”, not “you wanna coffee?”. > [@annewaldron](#): > > I’m certain one of the guys on my team says “Here, you goat” in place of “Here you go” to me every time he hands something to me. You’re overreacting. Cut that out right meow. > [@sundog66](#): > > After the repair was successful, the customer said (just to herself, I think), “Thank you, Jesus”. Wow! I know they say the customer’s always right, but she’s got quite a high opinion of herself, doesn’t she? > [@sundog66](#): > > The technician replied, “That’s not what people normally call me.” When people say “oh God”, “Jesus Christ”, etc. basically to me, I often respond “No, you’ve got me confused with that other Jew.” BTW, I’m Jewish. It’s OK. Really. ---
**Author:** ![sniperfang](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/58956e/32.png) [@sniperfang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sniperfang)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/23 "2006-01-06T12:42:18Z")
On the phone, to one of our clients’ senior network administrators who had our demo unit for three weeks and didn’t want to either buy it or return the damn thing: Me: “You know what bud?” Him: “What?” Me: “You weren’t born, you little turd. You were shat out.” Click. ---
**Author:** ![Otanx](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Otanx](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otanx)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/24 "2006-01-06T14:30:28Z")
I had tons of them. To the “Thank God” etc lines I would always come back with “You’re welcome”. Got to the point I didn’t even think about it. Just did it. Working for UPS at a call center. A friend of mine got asked by a customer if UPS had the same problem the postal service did about people “going postal”. She replied “No, here at United Parcel Service we don’t go postal we go parcel” The customer found it funny, but the bosses didn’t. When doing tech support for another company I wore [this shirt.](http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/coder/595d/) Boss told me if he got any complaints from someone who was offended that I would get in trouble. Sad part is only 4 people understood the shirt. Him, the two programers, and one of our power users that found it funny. None of the other techs understood it till I explained it. -Otanx ---
**Author:** ![Ferret\_Herder](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e47774/32.png) [@Ferret\_Herder](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ferret_Herder)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 2:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/25 "2006-01-06T14:53:09Z")
> [@Otanx](#): > > When doing tech support for another company I wore [this shirt.](http://www.thinkgeek.com/tshirts/coder/595d/) Boss told me if he got any complaints from someone who was offended that I would get in trouble. Sad part is only 4 people understood the shirt. Him, the two programers, and one of our power users that found it funny. None of the other techs understood it till I explained it. You gotta be kidding me. I understood that, and I know jack about programming. ---
**Author:** ![Max\_Torque](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/e9bcb4/32.png) [@Max\_Torque](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Max_Torque)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 3:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/26 "2006-01-06T15:33:18Z")
When I worked tech support, I frequently had to help people change their passwords, since it was something they did so infrequently that they never remembered how on their own. So, I’d get the call, go look at their account, and change the password. The fun part was, very few of them called with any idea of what they wanted their new password to be. So, I got to give them one. “Your new password is ‘fluffernutter’.” Or whatever word popped into my head at that moment. “Your new password is ‘oompa-loompa’.” At my current job, I get to say things like, “Tell me why we shouldn’t put you in jail _right now_.” It’s kinda fun. ---
**Author:** ![Ethilrist](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ethilrist/32/4604_2.png) [@Ethilrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ethilrist)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/27 "2006-01-06T15:49:56Z")
I was working tech support at Target. I called a store to ask them to reboot a cranky computer. Me: Hello, this is Me, from Headquarters. Store person: Headquarters? What is it? Me: It’s a big, brown building with a lot of windows, but that’s not important right now. The store person didn’t get it. ---
**Author:** ![Savannah](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b3f665/32.png) [@Savannah](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Savannah)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 3:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/28 "2006-01-06T15:50:00Z")
While going to university, I worked part-time at a telephone answering service. We got a lot, an awful lot, of stupid questions. My favourite response to “are you the answering machine?” was “No, I’m the photocopier.” ---
**Author:** ![gotpasswords](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/c57346/32.png) [@gotpasswords](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gotpasswords)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 6:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/29 "2006-01-06T18:31:55Z")
That little bit of SQL code from \*\*Otanx \*\* is going up on my wall. One of my co-workers has been here for roughly as long as I’ve been alive and has seen it all. Whenever I hear him hang up the phone and mutter “These shitheads” I know that he’s been up against stupid people. ---
**Author:** ![Billdo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/billdo/32/315_2.png) [@Billdo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Billdo)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 7:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/30 "2006-01-06T19:12:05Z")
Sometimes someone at my office will screw something up, usually minor (I know, you’re shocked). Sometimes the client or another lawyer or someone will call to get it fixed: **Client** : Page 6 of the fax didn’t come through. **Bill** : I’ll have the fax operator flogged. ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 7:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/31 "2006-01-06T19:39:51Z")
> [@Ethilrist](#): > > I was working tech support at Target. I called a store to ask them to reboot a cranky computer. > > Me: Hello, this is Me, from Headquarters. > Store person: Headquarters? What is it? > Me: It’s a big, brown building with a lot of windows, but that’s not important right now. > > The store person didn’t get it. Oh, man, I would have died for that opening line! And then to have your victim not get the joke–life is cruel. ---
**Author:** ![Mindfield](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mindfield/32/19759_2.png) [@Mindfield](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mindfield)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 8:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/32 "2006-01-06T20:44:25Z")
Some years back I worked for a printing company. One of our clients was the Peel Regional Police; we did their business cards. Part of my job was typesetting, and I had made some 12-up templates for their cards with dummy placeholder names set up and ready for new card orders. Whenever they sent in new orders, I set the type up in my templates, replacing the placeholders, and fax over proofs for changes or approval. So one day I did just that and I get a call from the lady officer who approves this stuff. Officer: “The cards are fine, but what’s this one for Sgt. Bumple Jellybottom?” Uh-oh. I left the placeholders in the unused cards. I dismissed it with a feeble, “Oh, those are just placeholders, they won’t be printed,” meanwhile thinking _Oh God, I just pissed off the cops! I’m dead!_ It mustn’t have been my time to die, because although she sounded a bit dubious, she nevertheless dismissed it and it was never spoken of again, nor was it passed beyond us to my boss or her superiors. Whew. ---
**Author:** ![Antinor01](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecae2f/32.png) [@Antinor01](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Antinor01)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 8:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/33 "2006-01-06T20:45:10Z")
Every now and then, when the mood strikes, I’ll answer any given question with ‘No’. Doesn’t matter what the question is, the answer is just no. I do tell the person I’m kidding of course but am surprised that no one over got upset. Russell ---
**Author:** ![Gringo\_Miami](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/f17d59/32.png) [@Gringo\_Miami](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gringo_Miami)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/34 "2006-01-06T21:43:50Z")
In my line of work these days, it is very common for someone to tell me that their work needs to be done right away "because {fill in name of very important person} wants it done. My standard answer has always been “We will look at your request in spite of that.” No one has ever gotten upset… but I think it goes WHOOSH about half the time, and for most of the rest, it is “message received. I better shut up and walk away now.” ---
**Author:** ![Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tastes_of_chocolate/32/3232_2.png) [@Tastes\_of\_Chocolate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tastes_of_Chocolate)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 11:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/35 "2006-01-06T23:35:14Z")
> [@Savannah](#): > > While going to university, I worked part-time at a telephone answering service. We got a lot, an awful lot, of stupid questions. > > My favourite response to “are you the answering machine?” was > > “No, I’m the photocopier.” Dang, I never get to give answer like that. I want to be a photocopier too. ---
**Author:** ![scout1222](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/34f0e0/32.png) [@scout1222](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/scout1222)\ **Post date:** [January 6, 2006, 11:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/36 "2006-01-06T23:40:31Z")
“Who should I make the check out to?” Please, everyone. Explain to me why I shouldn’t tell them to just make the check out to me. HELLO! How about to the business name you’re patronizing. FWIW I’m talking about the time spent working at a weight loss center. It’s pretty obvious what the business’ name is. Why would you make a check out to anything different? If you just want to confirm, how about saying “Do I make the check out to WeightLossCentre?” That lessens my urge to tell you to make it out to cash so that I can escape to Mexico. ---
**Author:** ![interface2x](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/c0e974/32.png) [@interface2x](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/interface2x)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/37 "2006-01-07T00:24:38Z")
> [@jackelope](#): > > Bumptious Q. Bangwhistle I wonder if it’s too late to change my username … Oh, also, sometimes when my client (usually the same contact as in my previous post) emails me to request that I do something, I’ll reply with: Dear _client_ - No. Thanks, _me_ ---
**Author:** ![SmartAleq](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/smartaleq/32/163_2.png) [@SmartAleq](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SmartAleq)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/38 "2006-01-07T03:50:34Z")
Customer: “Are you a live person?” Me: “The last time I checked I did indeed still seem to be respirating and processing foodstuffs, how may I assist you?” Customer: “Are you a real person?” Me: “No, but my less imaginary twin will be more than happy to assist you!” Me: “Thank you for calling YoWireless, the charges are valid, how may I help you?” ---
**Author:** ![Poysyn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/f4b2a3/32.png) [@Poysyn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Poysyn)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 4:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/39 "2006-01-07T04:06:26Z")
I worked in retail and I had two smartass answeres, neither of which I ever caught shit for - Me: Hi there Customer: I’m just looking. Me: I’m just saying Hi. other one Me: Hi there. Customer: Just looking. Me: I’m sorry, today is Tuesday, it’s buying day. Mondays and Fridays are looking days. ---
**Author:** ![Emily\_Litella](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/emily_litella/32/3370_2.png) [@Emily\_Litella](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Emily_Litella)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2006, 4:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656/40 "2006-01-07T04:44:03Z")
I got a request for an invoice, or at least a “price to date” quote for a printing job on Monday. It was missing all kinds of data like manufacturing time, shipping time and prices, overtime quotes, just about everything they were looking for. It can be estimated, but the estimations are usually more expensive than the real prices. I did an estimate for the printing and sent it off to the office in Calgary stating it was missing most of the other info they needed. I got an e-mail reply back stating: “I guess I’ll have to take it home with me to work on tonight”. I was appalled, because if I wasn’t willing to do that I don’t think anyone else should have to either. Sometimes effing salespeople suck because they put pressure on people who don’t need the pressure and it does more harm than good anyway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unbelievable-stuff-you-say-at-work/338656.md?page=3)