# Unca Fenris's BBQ Pork Recipe that's so good that you'll get much sex! **URL:** \ **Category:** Cafe Society\ **Created:** [May 29, 2002, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451 "2002-05-29T22:03:52Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/1 "2002-05-29T22:03:52Z")
Gather 'round, best beloveds, Unca Fenris is gonna share his secret recipe for the ultimate BBQ’d Pork Sammich. It’s time consuming, but it’s easy to make and so good that anyone who tries it will go all weak in the knees and want to have sex with you. Ok, insane bbq purists may say that “this isn’t true bbq!” or “real men don’t use gas grills”. All you need to do to these types is to give them a smug grin as you think about all the good sex that this recipe will get you. First you get hickory chips. If you’re feeling macho, you’ll go into the woods, chop down a hickory tree, season the wood for a year and then chop the seasoned wood into chips. But if not, you wanna buy the kind made of real wood…not the pressed sawdust kind or the “artifical hickory-flavored briquette like product”. Dump a bunch of them into the sink and fill the sink up with hot water. Let 'em soak for at least 45 minutes. Yes, the package says “Soak 'em for 10 minutes.” Who you gonna believe: that lying plastic bag or Unca Fenris? Next. Get a couple o’ pork shoulders, **BONE IN**. If you can’t get **BONE IN** pork shoulders get **BONE IN** pork butt. But shoulder is better. If you can’t get either, kill your butcher and go to a different store. Take 2T ground cumin, 1T paprika, 2 tsp kosher salt, 4 or 5 grinds of pepper, 1 tsp garlic powder and, if you can get 'em, 1 tsp dried chipotle chili flakes, put 'em in a pan and toast 'em, stirring constantly. The minute it starts smelling “toasted” (you’ll know) yank it off the heat and dump into a container. Let it cool, add 5T of brown sugar, stir. Take your pork shoulders, sprinkle some Liquid Smoke and the Juice of a couple of limes over the pork shoulders. Spread the dry rub all over the shoulders. Put 'em on a rack and then put 'em into the oven (yes, the oven. Trust me) at 275[sup]o[/sup] for at least an hour. Longer is better. Then mix up the BBQ sauce. This is where we enter the realm of art. Take 3 bottles of Heintz Chili Sauce. Dump 'em in a pot. Squeeze lime juice into one of the now-empty bottles until it’s between 1/4 and 1/3 of the way full of lime-juice. Shake well to get remaining chili sauce mixed into the lime juice and dump in the pot. Throw that bottle out. Take the next bottle, fill half way with apple cider vinegar. Shake well, dump into pot, throw out bottle. Take the third bottle, get regular white vinegar, fill a 1/6th of the way, shake well and dump into pot.) Add 1/3d cup of brown sugar, 1 tsp of bacon fat OR butter (bacon fat’s better, duh), 1 tsp celery salt, 1 tsp garlic powder, 1 tsp red chili flakes (the kind you put on pizza) and 1 tsp hot sauce (“Frank’s Hot Sauce” is great, but even Tabasco will do in a pinch). Mix well, heat and taste. If you taste it and think “Damn that’s _good_ sauce but it’s a little too vinegary.” it’s perfect. If it doesn’t taste a little too vinegary add more by tablespoonful until it does. Trust me on this. Take your pork out of the oven. Scoop off most of the porkfat, and pour the juices into the sauce. Stir. Taste. It should be better, but still a little to vinegary. If it’s not, add yet more vinegar (by tablespoonful) until it tastes right… Let it sit on warm: it shouldn’t boil or even simmer. Just keep it warm so the flavors meld. Get your grill. If it’s charcoal, scrunch the coals all over to one side. If it’s gas, only turn on one side. Take a handful of the woodchips. Put 'em in the center of a big sheet of tinfoil. Fold tinfoil into a tight packet. Poke holes in the packet. Put the packet on the bottom (assuming you have multiple grill levels) grill rack (NOT directly on the flames/coals). Make at least two more of these packets, minimum. Put the meat on the top rack of the grill and/or as far away from the coals as possible. Cover the grill tightly and let the meat smoke If it’s a gas-grill, you’ll have more control of this next step: once the packet starts smoking, drop the temperature as low as it’ll go but still smoke. About 30 minutes later, add a new packet. Do it again 30 minutes after that. Depending on how smokey you want the meat, you can keep adding packets. By the way: hickory smoke makes meat turn a weird shade of pink. It’ll be cooked, even if it’s pink. If the outside of the pork doesn’t have some blackened areas, put it right on top of the fire for just a few minutes. Either way, take the pork and with two forks, shred the pork. Don’t cut away those blackened bits, shred 'em too. Pour the sauce over the pork until well coated (you may not use all the sauce…it freezes and is great on chicken) and put the pork’n’sauce in a pot on the stove and let simmer for about five minutes. Taste: magically, it no longer tastes too vinegary! (I think it has something to do with the carbonized bits interacting with the vinegar. Maybe.) Scoop this up and serve it on a toasted hamburger bun or kaiser roll. Either way, thinly sliced red onion and romaine lettuce top off this perfect BBQ pork sammich. You may now worship me and think of me as you get much sex from the joy that this recipe creates. Unca Fenris ---
**Author:** ![wring](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/838e76/32.png) [@wring](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wring)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 10:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/2 "2002-05-29T22:10:24Z")
Too much trouble. Just send me a ticket to CO. OK? 😃 (sounds great) ---
**Author:** ![easy\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb8c5e/32.png) [@easy\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/easy_e)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 10:11pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/3 "2002-05-29T22:11:59Z")
Thanks, Unca Fenris! I shall try this (as soon as we get more gas for the grill). I could use much sex. ---
**Author:** ![teela\_brown](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/d9b06d/32.png) [@teela\_brown](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/teela_brown)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/4 "2002-05-29T23:14:06Z")
Great thread, Unca Fenris! I did a similar recipe for the first time last year (different recipe ingredients, but same basics), and made _lethally_ good pulled pork from which we ate sandwiches for a week. (Pulled pork? Bone in pork butt? I can see already see the sexual aspects of this recipe . . .) ---
**Author:** ![Slainte](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a698b9/32.png) [@Slainte](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Slainte)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/5 "2002-05-29T23:19:31Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > Ok, insane bbq purists may say that “this isn’t true bbq!” or “real men don’t use gas grills”. All you need to do to these types is to give them a smug grin as you think about all the good sex that this recipe will get you. > \*\* 😃 My sides ache from laughing so much. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 29, 2002, 11:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/6 "2002-05-29T23:55:24Z")
Unca Fenris must confess. ☹ ☹ ☹ Unca Fenris lied. :eek: ☹ :eek: ☹ Unca Fenris said this recipe so good that you get much sex? Remember? Unca Fenris though you could not handle truth. Unca Fenris was _wrong_ to lie to you, even to protect you from shocking SHOCKING truth! Here is truth. If you serve this recipe to significant other, you will get _ **MEGA MONDO SUPER SEX!!!** _ This is true. Unca Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/7 "2002-05-30T00:06:07Z")
Note. Do not make this for vegetarians! This is important. Since this recipe is irresistable, their heads will explode as their morals and their lizard-brains go to war. “Eating charred hunks of dead meat is wrong!” says their ethics and conscience. “MUST EAT YUMMY SMOKED MEAT-FOOD!” says Lizard-brain. And their heads explode Heads exploding do not make for _ **MEGA MONDO SUPER SEX!!!** _ And even if their heads _don’t_ explode and they can resist the lure, they’ll be thinking “We’ve been dating for two years. That scumbag _knows_ I’m a vegetarian and _THIS_ is what he makes me? The bastard.” which also doesn’t make for _ **MEGA MONDO SUPER SEX!!!** _ But Unca Fenris will help you with Vegetarian Friends too!!! Leave the bacon grease (sob) out of sauce (use butter or, if Vegans, margarine), substitue tofu or tempeh or portobello mushrooms for the pork, treat them like pork (cover with liquid smoke/lime juice & dry rub) DO NOT PUT THEM IN THE OVEN but go directly to the grill and smoke them (much less smoking. MUCH LESS!!!) then dunk them in the sauce and put them on the bun, you _WILL_ get _ **MEGA MONDO SUPER-VEGETARIAN SEX!!!** _ And they will love you for remembering that they don’t eat meat. This is true. Unca Fenris ---
**Author:** ![Batsinma\_Belfry](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ea5d25/32.png) [@Batsinma\_Belfry](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Batsinma_Belfry)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/8 "2002-05-30T00:18:59Z")
**Fenris,** I love you! I’ve spent many years on a quest for the perfect BBQ recipe. Most that I’ve come across don’t even mention vinegar. IMO if it don’t have vinegar, it’s just pork sloppy joes. But, what’s this “_but even Tabasco will do in a pinch_” buisness? Are you implying that Tabasco is somehow inferior? Hmmm? ---
**Author:** ![tracer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tracer/32/20578_2.png) [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:23am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/9 "2002-05-30T00:23:48Z")
Fenris wrote: > [@](#): > > Take 2T ground cumin, 1T paprika, 2 tsp kosher salt, Why use **kosher** salt in a **pork** recipe? 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 12:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/10 "2002-05-30T00:25:20Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by hillbilly queen \* > \*\ ***Fenris,** I love you! > > But, what’s this “_but even Tabasco will do in a pinch_” buisness? Are you implying that Tabasco is somehow inferior? > > Hmmm? \*\* No, just not as good for this recipe. The right tool for the right job. Frank’s Hot Sauce has a different flavor than Tabasco has. Hot != Hot. Tabasco is right for many dishes. And it’ll do for this one. But not as well as Frank’s. Unca Fenris ---
**Author:** ![USCDiver](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/uscdiver/32/354_2.png) [@USCDiver](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/USCDiver)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/11 "2002-05-30T02:01:03Z")
> [@](#): > > put 'em in a pan and toast 'em, stirring constantly How do you toast something and stir it constantly? Are you toasting on the stovetop? ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/12 "2002-05-30T02:07:06Z")
Yes. If you pour ground spices down your pop-up toaster, you’ll have a mess at best or a fire at worst. 😉 Think of it as pan-frying the spices, but without ANY oil or liquid whatsoever. Fenris ---
**Author:** ![lno](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/a8b319/32.png) [@lno](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lno)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 3:59am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/13 "2002-05-30T03:59:21Z")
So, Unca Fenris. I defer to your pork knowledge, but I respectfully inquire as to why, for the love of Great-Unca-Cecil, you refuse to show your face at PorkDope. Could it be that you are actually intimidated by pork, and have never tried this recipe yourself? ---
**Author:** ![easy\_e](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/eb8c5e/32.png) [@easy\_e](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/easy_e)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/14 "2002-05-30T14:15:32Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fenris \* > \*\* > Take 3 bottles of Heintz Chili Sauce. \*\* What size bottle, or is there only one size? ---
**Author:** ![Why\_A\_Duck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/13edae/32.png) [@Why\_A\_Duck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Why_A_Duck)\ **Post date:** [May 30, 2002, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/15 "2002-05-30T14:20:48Z")
I fail to see how this recipe will get me much sex when my sweetie detests BBQ in all it’s various incarnations. I may still have to try it though, it’s always nice to give work to unemployed once in a while. ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/16 "2002-06-01T12:19:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by easy e \* > \*\*What size bottle, or is there only one size? \*\* As far as Unca Fenris knows, there’s only the one size. But…(checks) the bottle Unca Fenris was talking about was 12oz. ---
**Author:** ![bdgr](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/a87d85/32.png) [@bdgr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bdgr)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 6:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/17 "2002-06-01T18:38:32Z")
Sound good, I will have to try it. Its a shame Zenster is on a leave, its about time for another ultimate recipie thread. Something tells me this and Zensters ribs would be a great combo. ---
**Author:** ![musicguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@musicguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/musicguy)\ **Post date:** [June 1, 2002, 9:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/18 "2002-06-01T21:01:41Z")
Take notice Laughs by the bucketload, visions of savory pork morsels, the promise of great sex…Folks, this is a post that borders on perfection. I’m happy, I’m hungry, I’m horny. (The three "H"s). To add a suggestion, apple and cherry wood are also wonderful when smoking pork. Bravo, **Fenris** ---
**Author:** ![Fenris](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fenris/32/498_2.png) [@Fenris](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fenris)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2002, 2:37am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/19 "2002-06-02T02:37:01Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by musicguy \* > \*\*To add a suggestion, apple and cherry wood are also wonderful when smoking pork. Unca Fenris thanks you for the compliments! Unca Fenris would also like to add that while you’re correct that fruit woods are normally excellent with pork, they’re not strong enough flavored to stand up to this recipe. Unca Fenris just tried it with maplewood (he even cut down the tree himself and let it age and everything) and the yummy taste of maplewood smoked pork just didn’t stand up to the sauce. ---
**Author:** ![MikeG](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mikeg/32/4329_2.png) [@MikeG](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MikeG)\ **Post date:** [June 2, 2002, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451/20 "2002-06-02T02:50:41Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by tracer \* > \*\*Fenris wrote: > Why use **kosher** salt in a **pork** recipe? 😉 \*\* Alton Brown explains my thoughts far better than I could in his new book, _I’m Just Here For The Food_: > [@](#): > > Kosher salt tastes better on food.The fact that kosher salt doesn’t contain any additives may be a factor, but I suspect it has more to do with timing. Because kosher salt flakes are irregularly shaped and have a very low surface to mass ratio, they dissolve slowly, releasing their flavor like a time release medicine. The tiny cubes of table salt attack the tongue all at once. I can always tell when food has been sprinkled with table salt because salt is the first thing I taste. Kosher salt works more behond the scenes and is therefore (to my tongue at least) a more effective seasoning. > > Even if flavor wasn’t an issue, I’d still prefer ksoher salt to table salt because it is controllable. Since it is composed of irregularly shaped flakes, you can actually pinch kosher salt between your fingers and hold it there. Gently move your fingers back and forth and flakes gently fall. Stop moving and the salt stops falling. Table salt crystals are so small and so uniform, they act more like a fluid than a solid, so even if you get hold of a few, you aren’t going to get to decide where go. Although kosher flakes are quite large, the crystals that make them up are actually quite fine, so when a flake of salt hits the moist surface of a food, it dissolves quickly and spreads out over a wider area. Re. the OP; I can’t wait to make it! I am planning my daughters’ Luau birthday party in three weeks and I just added a menu item:) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unca-fenriss-bbq-pork-recipe-thats-so-good-that-youll-get-much-sex/111451.md?page=2)