# Uncle Toby -- Take a Loooong Walk **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [September 6, 2002, 3:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300 "2002-09-06T15:42:24Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Kirkland1244](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kirkland1244](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kirkland1244)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 6:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/21 "2002-09-06T18:17:24Z")
Polycarp is a saint. But there’s already a St. Polycarp, so we’ll have to call ours St. Polycarp the Great. ---
**Author:** ![Kirkland1244](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/dc4da7/32.png) [@Kirkland1244](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kirkland1244)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 6:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/22 "2002-09-06T18:23:07Z")
Polycarp is a saint. But there’s already a St. Polycarp, so we’ll have to call ours St. Polycarp the Great. ---
**Author:** ![MrVisible](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/46a35a/32.png) [@MrVisible](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MrVisible)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 6:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/23 "2002-09-06T18:40:42Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Steelerphan \* > It seems the bandwagon for those who would impose their “morality” on others is getting bigger, and the movement is gaining momentum as voice after voice cries out “Ban this” and “Criminalize that.” I don’t think so. I think that the more this sort of thing gets debated in public forums, the more people realize how insane it is to hate like this. In fact, just this morning I was [going on about just this topic](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=134290) at some length. I really believe there’s hope for us all. ---
**Author:** ![Abe\_Babe](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/3ab097/32.png) [@Abe\_Babe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Abe_Babe)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 6:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/24 "2002-09-06T18:43:39Z")
Due to a partial historectomy (sp)? with the birth of our second child, my wife can’t have any more kids. Does that mean I should find myself a new “useful” wife? That fact is that the government _does_ intrude on marriage, giving certain rights and obligations to both parties. This is a good thing, since whether there are children or not the spouses are to some extent dependent on each other. For this reason, if the spouses split up, the courts will see that one is not left destitute. If one spouse dies, it is easier for the surviving spouse to access the decedent’s retirement accounts, and receive favorable tax treatment. As much as taking care of children, marriage is about taking care of each other. Right now, gays and lesbians are not allowed to take care of each other, or children, the same way straight couples are. And it ain’t fair. **Polycarp** can I be you when I grow up? [sub]No sarcasm at all. Just genuine admiration.[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 6:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/25 "2002-09-06T18:55:34Z")
Sweet spirits of niter - **Polycarp** started a Pit thread? The Apocalypse is upon us! Lord have mercy on us all! **Shodan** runs back to the Left Behind Message Board, whimpering "You were right! You were right!’ Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Dr.Lao](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/2bfe46/32.png) [@Dr.Lao](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dr.Lao)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/26 "2002-09-06T19:01:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by lissener \* > **It seems pretty clear to me, by the hilariously contorted illogic Uncle Toby’s been pulling out of his ass that he’s constructing the justification after the fact. I.e., that he’s trying mightily to justify his own personal distaste for homosexuals, and since he can’t do so rationally, he’s forced down some pretty roundabout paths.** And I think that is confirmed by **Toby’s** post in this thread. If gay marriage shouldn’t be allowed because all marriages that do not produce children shouldn’t be allowed, then we have clearly reached an absurd position. This is usually the point where a reasonable person reevaluates his original position. I think it is clear that **Toby** is being unreasonable. ---
**Author:** ![LurkMeister](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/3da27b/32.png) [@LurkMeister](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LurkMeister)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/27 "2002-09-06T19:27:58Z")
I just finished re-reading the thread in question, partly to see if **Uncle Toby** had responded to a question I had raised last night. My question, and his answer, follow: (bolding mine) > [@](#): > > What is the difference between “getting married” and being “granted a marriage contract”? > > This was part of an answer to a question on what I would do to remake marriage laws. I doesn’t really have much to do with the question. **I suspect it was asked to provided ammunition so as to make me look ridiculous.** If I could rewrite marriage laws you could still get ‘married’ in a church or whatever, the state would have nothing to do with this, but you would not get a marriage contract from the state until you had children and the state had an interest. I would abolish all that stuff about spouses getting special privileges, that’s part of the endorsement of marriage which makes it a scary social program in my book. Adoption (which homosexuals could do) would not be the same as this contract since the state as parent would have a closer regulatory interest in an adopted child. This is really beside the point of the thread. My post was headed, “A clarification of your terms, please” yet he presumes to assign ulterior motives to my question. Then in his reply and in several later posts, he puts on a tap-dancing performance worthy of Savion Glover to justify denying homosexuals the same rights as heterosexuals with regard to marriage by declaring that: \*The sole purpose of marriage is to ensure the continuation of the species. \*The state should not grant “special privileges” to married couples. \*There should be two forms of marriage; one which is merely an agreement between two people and one which is sanctioned by the state because the couple has reproduced. \*Since married couples in UncleTobyland who have not, cannot, or will not have children do not have special privileges, homosexuals are not being discriminated against in the real world by being denied the same rights which married couples have in the real world. At least, that’s how I interpret the following: > [@](#): > > My own idea of oppression is something which violates a fundamental personal right, and I don’t see how denying homosexual equivalence does this. You have a fundamental right to be treated equally before the law with respect to arbitrary distinctions such as ‘race’. But if the distinction is not arbitrary the law can make it if the people choose. If marriage is defined by function (to produce the next generation) then people who cannot by definition fulfill that function can be treated differently and this is not oppression. I’m not saying you have to do it, just that it isn’t oppression and it falls into the category of distinctions a just society can make or not as the majority decides. I also noticed that one of his pet tactics was dismissing statements made by others as “strawmen” whenever they questioned his “reasoning” on an issue. Yet his whole marriage=reproduction concept is a strawman. I have a pretty high tolerance for idiocy that does not affect me personally, but I find myself so offended by his attitude that I can only recommend that he seek the services of a cranioproctologist and an optometrist to see if they can combine their efforts to help him see the light, considering where his head is. ---
**Author:** ![tiny\_ham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/a183cd/32.png) [@tiny\_ham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tiny_ham)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/28 "2002-09-06T19:28:20Z")
Man. I’d better get knocked up pretty f-ing quick. I knew that undying love I had for my husband was WORTHLESS. EIGHT YEARS DOWN THE DRAIN. That’s alright. There’s always Coldfire! J ---
**Author:** ![BoBettie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/4af34b/32.png) [@BoBettie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BoBettie)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/29 "2002-09-06T19:32:44Z")
> [@](#): > > If you don’t reproduce you are unhealthy. This follows from the definition and thus needs no cite. Very true- I’m too unhealthy to reproduce. Now what? Aren’t I allowed to practice and pretend I’m trying to get pregnant? I’m not allowed to get married, have a commited relationship with the man I love, and screw him like a horny monkey whenever I please, despite the impossibility of reproduction? Well, then should I just get drug out behind the woodshed and put down? What? Live to be an old spinster because you say so? Well, OK- but I don’t think my husband’s gonna like it. ---
**Author:** ![Coldfire](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/a587f6/32.png) [@Coldfire](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Coldfire)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:41pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/30 "2002-09-06T19:41:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by jarbabyj \* > **There’s always Coldfire!** … who just _might_ be spoken for, of course. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/31 "2002-09-06T19:44:41Z")
Wow–if you can get **Polycarp** that angry, a person might want to rethink his position. Of course, one can’t really call the blather coming from **Uncle Toby** “thinking.” It’s just–blather, composed of naught but meaningless noises and hot air. He doesn’t seem to have much of a position and even less of a grasp of logic and simple English syntax. I always find it hilarious to watch an unintelligent person trot out four-syllable words, which he invariably misuses because he doesn’t know their meaning, to hide the lack of sense in his comments. I mean, the man is using “perversion” in reference to childless marriages, and he seems to have no conception of the loaded nature of the word. Anyway, enjoy the BBQ, y’all. ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 8:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/32 "2002-09-06T20:06:21Z")
UncleTobyLand… I think that one should be added to our repetoire. definition: Where something looks vaguely like logic and the poster seems to be speaking English, but then you realize that the sky is a very different color in the world of the poster. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/33 "2002-09-06T21:13:32Z")
WHOA… **Polycarp** is pissed? **UncleToby** , you REALLY screwed the pooch! For gods sakes, I’m hoping YOU never have children. I mean, my god, there are abusive jackasses who have kids and beat the living shit out of them. Are THEY healthier and less perverted than a childless couple? (gay OR straight?) Get fucked up the ass by a lightsaber. ---
**Author:** ![musicguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ba0ec/32.png) [@musicguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/musicguy)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/34 "2002-09-06T21:28:41Z")
I asked **Uncle Toby** in the other thread what he would do if one of his kids turned out to be gay. Would he tell them they were a perversion or unhealthy? He refused to answer which pretty much answers the question. Do the world a favor and don’t reproduce. I promise we won’t look down on you because of it. We’ll thank you. **Polycarp** , I’m sorry about your wife’s pain. How wonderful though that she has you in her life. ---
**Author:** ![Esprix](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/esprix/32/7899_2.png) [@Esprix](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Esprix)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/35 "2002-09-06T21:43:59Z")
I am agog. (Yup - an _entire_ gog!) Getting taken to **Polycarp** to The Pit is like… like… well, not like anything. And any flaying I could give you _pales_ in comparison to the flaying he _wouldn’t_ give you. Detestible little bug. Go away before somebody finds a windshield. Esprix ---
**Author:** ![Polycarp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/82dd89/32.png) [@Polycarp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Polycarp)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:43pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/36 "2002-09-06T21:43:59Z")
JFTR, he has now admitted in the original thread that he was trolling: > [@](#): > > Member > > Registered: Aug 2002 > Location: > Posts: 119 > You know none of you are ever going to get this so I’m just going to hand it to you. The underling point I have been trying to make all along and in the other thread where I posted this is: > > This argument cuts both ways. > > {snip} > > No big deal, just the condensation of several conversation I’ve had (where I took your end of the argument and I must say I was both more rational and more polite). I took an adversarial stance because I wanted to see if any of you would come up with this or could knock holes in the argument. Perhaps it was overly confrontational but I don’t think anything I said comes close to excusing the behavior of some of you. ---
**Author:** ![Tranquilis](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tranquilis/32/3639_2.png) [@Tranquilis](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tranquilis)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/37 "2002-09-06T21:57:11Z")
Trolling. _What_ a surprise. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/b5ac83/32.png) [@The\_Mad\_Hermit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/The_Mad_Hermit)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/38 "2002-09-06T21:59:10Z")
**MrVisible** , I hope you are correct. ---
**Author:** ![Morbo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/morbo/32/389_2.png) [@Morbo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Morbo)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 10:09pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/39 "2002-09-06T22:09:13Z")
Strolling into the Pit today…WHA–? **Polycarp** pitted someone??!! I instinctively ducked and covered under my desk. **Toby** , you can shove your pig-headed beliefs up your ass. Dooku, married 5 years, no kids now nor ever. [sub]This will go into the Trivial Pursuit - SDMB Edition. “Who did Polycarp pit?”[/sub] ---
**Author:** ![anya\_marie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ebca7d/32.png) [@anya\_marie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/anya_marie)\ **Post date:** [September 6, 2002, 11:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300/40 "2002-09-06T23:47:41Z")
Toby, you are the worst sort of reject, you are athing lacking a TRACE of humanity. I predict a very long and lonely life for you, because you are the most ignorant fuckbiscuit ever. You are incapable of helping your alleged cause, and do indeed bring shame to yourself, and anyone who has had the misfortune to meet your sorry ass. Piss off. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/uncle-toby-take-a-loooong-walk/127300.md?page=3)