# Under what if any cicumstances could you forgive a spouse's infidelity? **URL:** \ **Category:** In My Humble Opinion\ **Created:** [November 2, 2015, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464 "2015-11-02T21:59:31Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/ecccb3/32.png) [@Skald\_the\_Rhymer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Skald_the_Rhymer)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 9:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/1 "2015-11-02T21:59:31Z")
In which we discuss the circumstances in which responses believe that they, personally, could forgive their husbands or wives for cheating. Obviously I am looking for opinions from persons who are actually married, by which I mean a partner in a monogamous cohabiting relationship regardless of legal status. It seems to me that cheating in such a relationship is far more serious than one in which there is no sharing of quarters. But Spenser and Silverman would bwoth call me a punk for that opinion, and you people will do whatever you want anyway, so I don’t know why I bother specifying anyway. Anywhistle, let’s reiterate: Married Dopers: What would have to be true for you to forgive a your spouse for infidelity? For that matter, what would make infidelity absolutely unforgivable? (And, and just in case we have any idiots who say that they’d “forgive” a spouse for being raped: Go fuck yourselves. Being raped isn’t cheating, so there’s nothing to forgive there.) ---
**Author:** ![Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@Maggie\_the\_Ocelot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Maggie_the_Ocelot)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 10:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/2 "2015-11-02T22:22:03Z")
Unless he wanted to leave me for the other woman, I wouldn’t leave him. That doesn’t mean there wouldn’t be some Very Intense Conversations/Discussions/Fights. I would be hurt, betrayed, etc. However, I’d be much more concerned with _why_ he cheated than the fact that he did. (I would also be completely flabbergasted - he is of a much more monogamous nature than I am.) I’d also be more ok with him cheating on me with someone he cared about/loved than with a one-night stand, but I understand that I’m fairly unique in this. IMO, if he’s going to break his vows to me, I would rather it be for a good reason (he cares about this person) than that he was just horny and I wasn’t available. ---
**Author:** ![TriPolar](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/tripolar/32/3008_2.png) [@TriPolar](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TriPolar)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 10:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/3 "2015-11-02T22:35:21Z")
If it’s actually cheating, no trial separations, no open marriage, no hall pass, no I was lost on desert island and presumed dead, no whatever, if she knew she was cheating then I can’t think of much. I guess if I had cheated on my wife and she forgave me I’d be expected to do the same but I can’t say I’d sincerely forgive her. That’s all I can think of, if my wife had forgiven me for something that serious I guess I should try to do the same. Or I guess if she hadn’t forgiven me either, so the marriage is pretty much over then anyway, so at that point why hold a grudge. ---
**Author:** ![Miller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/miller/32/481_2.png) [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)\ **Post date:** [November 2, 2015, 11:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/4 "2015-11-02T23:44:02Z")
I’m honestly not sure what cheating would look like in any relationship I’d enter into. I mean, I can see myself being in a monogamous relationship with someone else if that was _their_ requirement, but it wouldn’t be one of mine. I’m not entirely sure how I’d feel about someone who broke a promise to me that I never asked them to make in the first place. ---
**Author:** ![Loach](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/loach/32/350_2.png) [@Loach](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Loach)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 12:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/5 "2015-11-03T00:28:47Z")
I don’t think I could forgive it but I have never been put in that situation so I don’t know for sure. ---
**Author:** ![NVME702-redux](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/a183cd/32.png) [@NVME702-redux](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/NVME702-redux)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 2:25am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/6 "2015-11-03T02:25:29Z")
I couldn’t forgive it…and frankly I haven’t forgotten either. It crushed me. But how I found out was the WORST… I don’t know how someone who was cheated doesn’t feel intense guilt to have betrayed their partner. I don’t know how my husband lasted those two days other than that when he tried to “explain” why it happened he gave the weakest reason for why. BTW- I found out because I looked in his phone and found the video… I was shocked…then sickened… then angry and hurt. And all the while it occurred that day, I remember I was cleaning the house and making his favorite French onion soup from scratch. ---
**Author:** ![Wesley\_Clark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wesley_clark/32/20581_2.png) [@Wesley\_Clark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Wesley_Clark)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 2:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/7 "2015-11-03T02:38:39Z")
Not married, but if I were and my wife ended up with someone way out of her league I think I would be too in awe to be angry. Example, if she were a 5 or 6 but was having an affair with a senator or multimillionaire I’d just say ‘good for you’ as my likely response. Of course I have no idea how I’d react in real life. ---
**Author:** ![Marlonius](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/838e76/32.png) [@Marlonius](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Marlonius)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/8 "2015-11-03T03:19:42Z")
I could forgive, but the marriage would be over. Forgiving isn’t the same as trusting. I couldn’t be married to someone whom I could never trust again. \*she has a free pass for Bradley Cooper. ---
**Author:** ![Tom\_Tildrum](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/e95f7d/32.png) [@Tom\_Tildrum](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tom_Tildrum)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/9 "2015-11-03T04:52:33Z")
It’s never happened in my marriage, but I have forgiven cheating by an SO in the past. A large part of it was figuring out why we were unhappy in our relationship such that cheating became attractive. ---
**Author:** ![Snnipe\_70E](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/b5a626/32.png) [@Snnipe\_70E](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Snnipe_70E)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 4:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/10 "2015-11-03T04:55:05Z")
> [@Marlonius](#): > > I could forgive, but the marriage would be over. Forgiving isn’t the same as trusting. I couldn’t be married to someone whom I could never trust again. > > \*she has a free pass for Bradley Cooper. Trust would be broken. It would be too much for me so I think the marriage would be over. ---
**Author:** ![DorkVader](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/73ab20/32.png) [@DorkVader](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DorkVader)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 6:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/11 "2015-11-03T06:26:51Z")
Well, for Mrs. Guest and I, it was a pre-planned thing where there was an extended separation (more than six months) for work and we talked it out ahead of time so that there were no misunderstandings of any sort. ---
**Author:** ![Urbanredneck](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ea5d25/32.png) [@Urbanredneck](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Urbanredneck)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 6:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/12 "2015-11-03T06:41:23Z")
I think for me the big thing that along with the cheating is the fact the person has to spend time and resources on that person, away from where they need to be. No I wouldnt forgive but I wouldnt necessarily divorce them either. ---
**Author:** ![Habeed](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a587f6/32.png) [@Habeed](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Habeed)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 7:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/13 "2015-11-03T07:45:47Z")
I don’t blame people for understandable “failings”. (often, undesirable behavior isn’t even a failing, it’s just humans doing what they are built for) I would think if she cheated and accepted sperm from someone much taller, better looking, and suave than me, I would probably be jealous but I’d understand it. I’d DNA test any kids, but that’s par for the course - every father should always get a DNA test. They are inexpensive and sold as prepackaged kits right there in Walmart, so it’s trivially easy to get these days. It’s when a partner cheats with someone I consider an obvious scumbag/less attractive than me that I get pissed. I have had this happen before. After we broke up she called me several months later and said he’d robbed her. What a surprise. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 8:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/14 "2015-11-03T08:26:44Z")
> [@Urbanredneck](#): > > No I wouldnt forgive but I wouldnt necessarily divorce them either. Nice. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 8:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/15 "2015-11-03T08:27:57Z")
Wow, damned good question, and fortunately I’ve never had to deal with infidelity, with either my current or my former wife. Not with any of my GFs either, and I never cheated on them. But, if my current wife cheated on me, … I can’t even conceive the possibility… but I suppose anything is possible… I think I could eventually, after a long time, forgive her. But the marriage would be over long before that. Sounds harsh, but, so be it. ---
**Author:** ![thelurkinghorror](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7c8e57/32.png) [@thelurkinghorror](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/thelurkinghorror)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 8:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/16 "2015-11-03T08:29:19Z")
I would absolutely forgive if given incontrovertible proof that she got a transfusion from Bruce Banner, and decided to Hulk Out at the exact moment that she bent over to pick up a [1943 copper penny](https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/1943_steel_cent#1943_copper_cent), shredding her clothes\* while above guy naked and high on PCP jumps off a bridge and lands “strategically.” But seriously, it would be difficult to not become a paranoid asshole and check her phone constantly, so by that point \*Assume no magic purple pants/She-Hulking. > [@Wesley\_Clark](#): > > Example, if she were a 5 or 6 but was having an affair with a senator or multimillionaire I’d just say ‘good for you’ as my likely response. Of course I have no idea how I’d react in real life. Have you **seen** most Senators!? Also, your spouse is always a 10 or 11, if they’re asking. ---
**Author:** ![Grrr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/grrr/32/146_2.png) [@Grrr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Grrr)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 8:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/17 "2015-11-03T08:36:30Z")
If my GF had the opportunity to boink her favorite celebrity, I could probably see past that. ---
**Author:** ![diggerwam](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/919ad9/32.png) [@diggerwam](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/diggerwam)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 11:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/18 "2015-11-03T11:11:54Z")
It depends on the circumstances. If I could be convinced it was just a fling, as opposed to falling in love with someone else, I think I could forgive. A fling happens when a person is emotionally weak, and everyone has their weak moments. We would have to figure out a root cause and things would definitely change, but I could see getting past it. ---
**Author:** ![dba\_Fred](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/c37758/32.png) [@dba\_Fred](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dba_Fred)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 11:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/19 "2015-11-03T11:24:48Z")
Under no circumstances. _I won’t be wronged. I won’t be insulted. I won’t be laid a-hand on. I don’t do these things to other people, and I require the same from them._ ― John Wayne If it’s good enough for the Duke, it’s good enough for me. ---
**Author:** ![Jophiel](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jophiel/32/66_2.png) [@Jophiel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jophiel)\ **Post date:** [November 3, 2015, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464/20 "2015-11-03T14:13:49Z")
Barring alien mind control rays and presuming me lost at sea, I don’t think there’s a circumstance. She feels the same though so we both know where the line is drawn. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/under-what-if-any-cicumstances-could-you-forgive-a-spouses-infidelity/736464.md?page=2)