# Unhappy jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 15, 2016, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944 "2016-08-15T19:44:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/21 "2016-08-18T00:20:18Z")
A woman’s husband goes missing, so she calls the cops. A day later, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cops. “I’m afraid we have good news and bad news, ma’am. Which would you like first?” “Give me the bad news.” “We found your husband this morning when we dredged him up out of the bijou. He was covered with crabs, crayfish and oysters.” “That’s horrible! What’s the good news?” “We’re pulling him up again at 4 p.m.” ---
**Author:** ![mascaroni](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/dc4da7/32.png) [@mascaroni](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mascaroni)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 12:58am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/22 "2016-08-18T00:58:03Z")
I’d mention the backstreet abortionist who gave it all up when his ferret died, but it’s a little bit sick. ---
**Author:** ![kaylasdad99](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kaylasdad99/32/3398_2.png) [@kaylasdad99](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kaylasdad99)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/23 "2016-08-18T01:31:58Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > A woman’s husband goes missing, so she calls the cops. A day later, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cops. > “I’m afraid we have good news and bad news, ma’am. Which would you like first?” > “Give me the bad news.” > “We found your husband this morning when we dredged him up out of the bijou. He was covered with crabs, crayfish and oysters.” > “That’s horrible! What’s the good news?” > “We’re pulling him up again at 4 p.m.” ^^^ Insert _post/poster_ line here… ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/24 "2016-08-18T01:46:31Z")
> [@Vicsage](#): > > I think this site should have a permanent joke thread. Never goes away. Depressed people can come to it in a few years and spend days just reading jokes. Now that was funny. ---
**Author:** ![Bullitt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/bullitt/32/5725_2.png) [@Bullitt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bullitt)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:48am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/25 "2016-08-18T01:48:03Z")
What’s the definition of a nymphomaniac? Anyone who wants sex more frequently than you. ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/26 "2016-08-18T02:41:56Z")
> [@Procrustus](#): > > The optimist thinks this is the best of all possible worlds. The pessimist fears it is true. > > J. Robert Oppenheimer That’s actually from _The Silver Stallion_ by James Branch Cabell. [James Branch Cabell - Wikiquote](https://en.wikiquote.org/wiki/James_Branch_Cabell#The_Silver_Stallion_.281926.29) ---
**Author:** ![rowrrbazzle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rowrrbazzle/32/414_2.png) [@rowrrbazzle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rowrrbazzle)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/27 "2016-08-18T02:44:18Z")
Everything you read in the newspapers is absolutely true—except for the rare story of which you happen to have firsthand knowledge. —Knoll’s Law of Media Accuracy, Erwin Knoll, editor, “The Progressive” ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 3:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/28 "2016-08-18T03:01:52Z")
A true pessimist knows that whether the glass is half empty or half full is a minor detail since someone’s going to knock it over shortly anyway. > [@Joni Mitchell](#): > > Just before our love got lost you said > “I am as constant as a northern star” > And I said “Constantly in the darkness > Where’s that at? > If you want me I’ll be in the bar” ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 3:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/29 "2016-08-18T03:57:34Z")
> [@JohnGalt](#): > > The bumper sticker that says: “Don’t blame me, I voted for McGovern”. My brother had this proudly displayed this on his car in 1973. My mother had a button that said that. I still have it. * * * Back in the days of the great European yeshivas, it was customary for rich parents to want their daughters to marry great Torah scholars, whose scholarship they would then support, in the hopes in being patrons of the next Maimonedes, and having brilliant grandchildren. So, there’s a story that once, two wealthy families who had “made it” after coming to America, went to their rabbi, and asked him to write to the Volozhin Yeshiva, and ask that its two greatest scholars be sent to America to marry their daughters. The families would pay travel, and make a large donation to the yeshiva. So the rabbi made arrangements. Times being what they were, and a six week boat trip required, and all, sadly, one of the young men died aboard ship, so only one man arrived to be welcomed by two families, each wanting him to marry their oldest daughter. The rabbi was asked to settle the debate. He said “Fortunately, there is a precedent for this. Solomon was once asked to find the mother of an infant, and said he would divide the infant in half. So I’ll just divide the young man in half, and give half to each family.” The first family said “Sounds fair to us.” But the second said “No! Rebbe, you mustn’t! do anything else! Give him to the other family, only don’t kill him!” The rabbi turned back to the first family and said “He is yours, for you are the true in-laws.” ---
**Author:** ![RivkahChaya](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rivkahchaya/32/8919_2.png) [@RivkahChaya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RivkahChaya)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 4:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/30 "2016-08-18T04:03:18Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > A true pessimist knows that whether the glass is half empty or half full is a minor detail since someone’s going to knock it over shortly anyway. The pragmatist thinks the glass is too big, while the physicist knows the glass is half full of water, and half full of air. The English major says “I can’t answer that unless I know whether you were filling it up, or pouring it out.” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/31 "2016-08-18T04:52:24Z")
Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? A: It was dead. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 5:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/32 "2016-08-18T05:15:45Z")
Brutal. Funny, but brutal. ---
**Author:** ![Annie-Xmas](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ecc23a/32.png) [@Annie-Xmas](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Annie-Xmas)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:14pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/33 "2016-08-18T13:14:40Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > What’s the definition of a nymphomaniac? Anyone who wants sex more frequently than you. What’s the definition of a lesbian? A woman who doesn’t want to have sex with you. What’s the definition of a bitch? A woman who acts like a man. What’s the definition of a slut? A woman who acts like a man sexually. ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 1:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/34 "2016-08-18T13:21:31Z")
> [@Princhester](#): > > A true pessimist knows that whether the glass is half empty or half full is a minor detail since someone’s going to knock it over shortly anyway. > [@RivkahChaya](#): > > The pragmatist thinks the glass is too big, while the physicist knows the glass is half full of water, and half full of air. > > The English major says “I can’t answer that unless I know whether you were filling it up, or pouring it out.” The engineer says “that glass is twice as big as it needs to be.” Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 2:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/35 "2016-08-18T14:56:52Z")
> [@kaylasdad99](#): > > ^^^ Insert _post/poster_ line here… Insert _bayou_ in original joke unless the victim was found in a movie theater. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![BrotherCadfael](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/977dab/32.png) [@BrotherCadfael](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BrotherCadfael)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 4:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/36 "2016-08-18T16:20:49Z")
> [@Amateur\_Barbarian](#): > > A cowboy was riding across the range when a column of smoke led him to a burning conestoga wagon. Next to it, a beautiful woman was staked out naked on the ground. “Thank god!” she said. “Outlaws killed my husband, raped me, took our valuables and our children, set fire to everything else, and rode off to the west!” The cowboy jumped off his horse, then started to unbuckle his jeans. “Ma’am,” he said, “I guess this just ain’t your lucky day.” Related joke: “You’re the second pregnant woman I’ve rescued today!” “I’m not pregnant!” “You’re not rescued yet, either!” ---
**Author:** ![Little\_Nemo](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/little_nemo/32/3120_2.png) [@Little\_Nemo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Little_Nemo)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 4:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/37 "2016-08-18T16:52:08Z")
> [@Bullitt](#): > > What’s the definition of a nymphomaniac? Anyone who wants sex more frequently than you. > [@Annie-Xmas](#): > > What’s the definition of a lesbian? A woman who doesn’t want to have sex with you. > > What’s the definition of a bitch? A woman who acts like a man. > > What’s the definition of a slut? A woman who acts like a man sexually. What’s the difference between a bimbo and a slut? A bimbo will have sex with anyone. A slut will have sex with anyone except you. ---
**Author:** ![Chefguy](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chefguy/32/138_2.png) [@Chefguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Chefguy)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/38 "2016-08-18T17:02:38Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Q: Why didn’t the chicken cross the road? > > A: It was dead. Why did (insert name) cross the road? Because his dick was stuck in a chicken. ---
**Author:** ![lost4life](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/c4cdca/32.png) [@lost4life](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lost4life)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 5:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/39 "2016-08-18T17:27:36Z")
> [@Sefton](#): > > I went to the grocery store to buy a quart of milk, a six-pack of soda, and four TV dinners. > > “Ah.” The check-out woman smiled. “I can tell that you’re single.” > > “Is it the TV dinners?” > > “No, you’re horribly ugly.” A woman is walking down the street with her two kids. A man stops and asks her “are those twins?” The woman, a bit perplexed says “How can you think their twins? They’re obviously several years apart, one is 4 inches taller than the other, and one has straight black hair and the other has curly blonde hair. What makes you think they’re twins?” The man says “Well, you’re so god damn ugly I can’t believe you’ve had sex twice.” ---
**Author:** ![quiltguy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e47774/32.png) [@quiltguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/quiltguy)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 6:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/40 "2016-08-18T18:51:13Z")
This thread has made me see that what this site REALLY needs is a rimshot button. Or that wah-wah thing. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944.md?page=3)