# Unhappy jokes **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 15, 2016, 7:44pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944 "2016-08-15T19:44:32Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 3
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/41 "2016-08-18T19:00:40Z")
Chefguy: > [@](#): > > Man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender tells him no dogs allowed. > “But this is a talking dog!” > “Yeah, right.” > “Seriously. Listen, if I make him talk, will you give me a free drink?” > “Sure, it’s a slow day.” > “Okay. Rover, what’s the top of a house called?” > Rover: “Roof!” > Bartender: “Very clever; get the fuck out.” > Man: “No, wait, that wasn’t a good question. Rover, how does sandpaper feel?” > Rover: “Ruff!” > Bartender: ::grabs man and dog by their scruffs and throws them out the door.:: > Man: “Well, shit, that didn’t work well at all.” > Rover: “Hey, fuck him. Let’s try the next block.” The version I heard ends a little differently… Man: “Rover, who was the greatest baseball player ever?” Rover: “Ruth!” Bartender throws them out. Rover, to Man: “Willie Mays, perhaps?” ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 7:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/42 "2016-08-18T19:01:49Z")
> [@quiltguy](#): > > Or that wah-wah thing. [Here](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YsDhwD0bges) you go. ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 7:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/43 "2016-08-18T19:54:17Z")
At the height of the Northern Ireland “Troubles”: night-time in a mean street in Belfast. A visitor, walking along, suddenly finds himself grabbed by the throat, and the muzzle of a gun pressed against his head. The assailant asks: “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?” Visitor, thinking that he has a handy “out”, blithely answers: “Neither, actually: I’m Jewish”. The other guy replies, “It isn’t your lucky day, pal – I’m the only Arab member of the IRA.” ---
**Author:** ![Amateur\_Barbarian](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/59ef9b/32.png) [@Amateur\_Barbarian](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amateur_Barbarian)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 7:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/44 "2016-08-18T19:58:46Z")
(Longish joke brought up short) Two men are sitting in a bar and begin to chat. As the hours go by, it turns out they have shared interests in almost everything - music, food, politics, sports, hobbies. They finally have a last one and leave the pub, and at the door, one says quietly to the other, “By the way, pal, you wouldn’t happen to be gay?” The other one shakes his head. “Sorry, I’m not.” The first one nods slowly. “Neither am I. …pity, isn’t it?” ---
**Author:** ![Tatterdemalion](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/43a26b/32.png) [@Tatterdemalion](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tatterdemalion)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 8:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/45 "2016-08-18T20:00:31Z")
Was > [@Sangahyando](#): > > At the height of the Northern Ireland “Troubles”: night-time in a mean street in Belfast. A visitor, walking along, suddenly finds himself grabbed by the throat, and the muzzle of a gun pressed against his head. > > The assailant asks: “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?” > > Visitor, thinking that he has a handy “out”, blithely answers: “Neither, actually: I’m Jewish”. > > The other guy replies, “It isn’t your lucky day, pal – I’m the only Arab member of the IRA.” In the version I heard, the visitor said, “Neither, I’m an atheist.” And the man said, “But are you a Protestant atheist, or a Catholic atheist?” ---
**Author:** ![cmkeller](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/cmkeller/32/118_2.png) [@cmkeller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cmkeller)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 8:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/46 "2016-08-18T20:10:17Z")
And then, there’s the Catholic girl’s school class where the teacher asks the class, “Girls, what do you want to be when you grow up?” “A nurse,” answers one child. “An airplane pilot,” says another A third says, “A prostitute.” The teacher gasps. “What did you say?” She repeats, “I said, I want to be a prostitute.” The teacher breathes a sigh of relief. “Oh, thank Heavens, I thought you said a Protestant.” ---
**Author:** ![mixdenny](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mixdenny/32/2962_2.png) [@mixdenny](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mixdenny)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 8:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/47 "2016-08-18T20:33:43Z")
A boy is born without a body, he is just a head. His father tries valiantly for years to find a doctor who can perform a body transplant. He hears about a remarkable surgeon in Geneva who has perfected transplant surgery. After consulting with the doctor, he flies back home excitedly and rushes in the front door. Seeing his boy perched on the window sill he exclaims, “Son, I have something wonderful for you!” The boy rolls his eyes and replies, “Not another fucking hat…” Dennis ---
**Author:** ![Sangahyando](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/f14d63/32.png) [@Sangahyando](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sangahyando)\ **Post date:** [August 18, 2016, 9:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/48 "2016-08-18T21:17:33Z")
> [@Sangahyando](#): > > At the height of the Northern Ireland “Troubles”: night-time in a mean street in Belfast. A visitor, walking along, suddenly finds himself grabbed by the throat, and the muzzle of a gun pressed against his head. > > The assailant asks: “Are you a Catholic or a Protestant?” > > Visitor, thinking that he has a handy “out”, blithely answers: “Neither, actually: I’m Jewish”. > > The other guy replies, “It isn’t your lucky day, pal – I’m the only Arab member of the IRA.” > [@Tatterdemalion](#): > > Was > > In the version I heard, the visitor said, “Neither, I’m an atheist.” > > And the man said, “But are you a Protestant atheist, or a Catholic atheist?” Or in yet another variant: the visitor says – being highly tactful – “I belong to the Eastern Orthodox Church, and the whole lot of you here are heretics with one-way tickets to Hell…” ---
**Author:** ![JohnGalt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/johngalt/32/184_2.png) [@JohnGalt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/JohnGalt)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 2:01am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/49 "2016-08-19T02:01:52Z")
A scoutmaster and a cub scout are walking down the trail through the woods. The cub scout says “gee, this is a long walk and it’s getting dark and I’m getting scared.” The scoutmaster says “You think you’re scared? I’ll have to walk back all by myself.” ---
**Author:** ![Personal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/b9bd4f/32.png) [@Personal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Personal)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 2:30am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/50 "2016-08-19T02:30:41Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Why did (insert name) cross the road? > Because his dick was stuck in a chicken. Our version was, why did the pervert cross the road? ---
**Author:** ![burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/burpo_the_wonder_mutt/32/365_2.png) [@burpo\_the\_wonder\_mutt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/burpo_the_wonder_mutt)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/51 "2016-08-19T02:39:21Z")
A blonde co-ed knocks on a retiree’s front door looking for odd jobs to do for college money. “How much to paint my porch?” The price is reasonable, she’s hired. “Supplies are just inside the garage. Pace yourself.” He’s taking a nap when the doorbell rings just an hour later. “Finished?” “Yep. Had enough paint to give it a second coat.” Money is exchanged; she turns to leave. Over her shoulder: “Oh, and it’s not a porch, it’s a Beemer.” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 6:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/52 "2016-08-19T06:27:41Z")
(This one often gets recycled as a blonde joke): A man gets hired to paint white stripes on a highway. The foreman hands him a bucket of paint and a brush, and sends him on his way. The first day, the man manages to paint 10 miles of road. The second day, he paints only 4 miles. The third day, he’s barely able to paint a single mile. The foreman, puzzled, confronts him about his sudden lack of productivity. The painter explains: “Well, every day, the paint can gets further and further away!” ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 8:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/53 "2016-08-19T08:39:12Z")
What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? A slut sleeps with everybody. A bitch sleeps with everybody but you! ---
**Author:** ![Barrett\_Bonden](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/5e9695/32.png) [@Barrett\_Bonden](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Barrett_Bonden)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 1:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/54 "2016-08-19T13:30:35Z")
> [@Chefguy](#): > > Man walks into a bar with his dog. Bartender tells him no dogs allowed. > “But this is a talking dog!” > “Yeah, right.” > “Seriously. Listen, if I make him talk, will you give me a free drink?” > “Sure, it’s a slow day.” > “Okay. Rover, what’s the top of a house called?” > Rover: “Roof!” > Bartender: “Very clever; get the fuck out.” > Man: “No, wait, that wasn’t a good question. Rover, how does sandpaper feel?” > Rover: “Ruff!” > Bartender: ::grabs man and dog by their scruffs and throws them out the door.:: > Man: “Well, shit, that didn’t work well at all.” > Rover: “Hey, fuck him. Let’s try the next block.” > [@cmkeller](#): > > Chefguy: > The version I heard ends a little differently… > > Man: “Rover, who was the greatest baseball player ever?” > Rover: “Ruth!” > Bartender throws them out. > Rover, to Man: “Willie Mays, perhaps?” Similar to the version I heard. Man and Dog walk into a bar. Bartender: Hey, no dogs allowed in here. Man: We’re here for trivia night. My dog is a sports trivia expert. Bartender: I don’t believe it. Man: Go ahead, ask him a question. Bartender (to dog): Okay, who was the greatest baseball player of all time? Dog: Ruth! Ruth! Ruth! Bartender: He’s just barking! Get him out of here! Dog (apologetically to man as they’re exiting): Should I have said DiMaggio? Another dog and bar joke: A dog walks into a bar, goes up to the bartender and says, “I’d like a pint of Guinness, please.” The bartender does a double take and says, “Holy cow! You should join the circus!” The dog says, “Why, do they need electricians?” ---
**Author:** ![Knowed\_Out](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/knowed_out/32/7380_2.png) [@Knowed\_Out](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Knowed_Out)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 6:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/55 "2016-08-19T18:07:41Z")
A communist soldier is standing in line for meat for several hours. When he finally gets to the end, they’ve run out of meat. He laments out loud, “I am a loyal member of the party. I served in the military and marched across Red Square every May Day. I have served the Communist party loyally and I get nothing for it?” The meat distributor puts his arm around the soldier and whispers, “Comrade, you may not think we live in better times, but we do. See that soldier over there? Last year if he had heard you say what you just said, he would have shot you. Count your blessings, comrade.” So the soldier returns home. His wife sees he has nothing, and asks, “What happened? Did they run out of meat?” “Worse,” he replies. “They’ve run out of bullets.” ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [August 19, 2016, 6:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/56 "2016-08-19T18:10:43Z")
> [@pkbites](#): > > What’s the difference between a slut and a bitch? > > A slut sleeps with everybody. A bitch sleeps with everybody but you! We’ve had 2 or 3 versions of this one in this thread by now. ---
**Author:** ![pkbites](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/pkbites/32/204_2.png) [@pkbites](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/pkbites)\ **Post date:** [August 20, 2016, 5:27am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/57 "2016-08-20T05:27:49Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > We’ve had 2 or 3 versions of this one in this thread by now. Maybe I should have made it a talking dog [bitch] slut in a bar? 😛 A man went into a library and asked if he could check out the book by Kevorkian on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “No, you won’t bring it back!” ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 6:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/58 "2016-08-23T06:09:31Z")
Q: How can you recognize a Dell technician with a flat tire? A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. Q: How can you recognize a Dell technician who’s run out of gas? A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. ---
**Author:** ![Princhester](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/3e96dc/32.png) [@Princhester](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Princhester)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 6:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/59 "2016-08-23T06:34:16Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Q: How can you recognize a Dell technician with a flat tire? > A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. > > Q: How can you recognize a Dell technician who’s run out of gas? > A: He’s changing one tire at a time to see which one is flat. Ouch, that’s gotta sting. ---
**Author:** ![Clothahump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/51bf81/32.png) [@Clothahump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Clothahump)\ **Post date:** [August 23, 2016, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944/60 "2016-08-23T12:42:19Z")
Guy bets the bartender his tab that he can show him something he’s never seen before. The bartender takes the bet and the guy opens up a case, pulls out a miniature grand piano, and sets it on the bar. He then reaches into the case, pulls out a tiny little man about a foot tall, who runs over to the piano, sits down, and promptly starts playing a selection of Beethoven. The bartender says, “You win. How did you find him?” Guys says, “I was walking down the beach and found an old lamp washed up. When I started polishing it, a genie appeared and granted me a wish.” The bartender frowns. “And that’s what you wished for?” Guy say, “No. The genie was hard of hearing,” [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944.md?page=2) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unhappy-jokes/762944.md?page=4)