# Universal constants of kitchen foods **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [June 12, 2006, 5:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448 "2006-06-12T17:12:57Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 8:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/21 "2006-06-12T20:37:59Z")
[QUOTE=Velma] The rule of milk: You will buy enough milk to last a week. Instead it will go bad before you drink even half of it and you end up pouring most of it out. Next time you go shopping you buy a half gallon instead. You will run out in a day. This finally results in a state of either having 3 gallons of milk in the fridge, or having none. [/QUOTE] I have the inverse to this. Again, Teenaged Children. You must buy 8 gallons of milk at a time because your teenaged children go through a gallon a day. So, you must freeze the milk to keep it from going bad and because you hve more room in the freezer than the fridge. Freezing milk is fine, as long as you make sure you completely thaw it and shake it thoroughly before pouring. Inevitably, there will be no thawed milk ready to go before the current milk is emptied, causing Father to yell, causing the frozen milk to be put outside in the yard to thaw quickly in the sun (and forgotten about unless Mom is around). ---
**Author:** ![Rocketeer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rocketeer/32/4437_2.png) [@Rocketeer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rocketeer)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 8:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/22 "2006-06-12T20:39:22Z")
[QUOTE=Rasa] Amen to that. One of my roommates and I have lived together for the better part of 7 years, and we’re on our third apartment together. At any given time, there are THREE JARS OF MAYONAISE in our fridge. Two unopened, one frighteningly opened. I do not eat mayonaise. Roommate doesn’t eat mayonaise. I certainly didn’t buy it. Either did roommate. Third roommate moved in well after the 3 jars were ensconced in our fridge. We think the mayonaise follows us from apartment to apartment, because no one knows where it came from. [/QUOTE] I have to laugh; just the other day I bought mayo at the store. I came home and discovered two more jars in the closet. :smack: Seems like the magic number is three. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Tupug\_Anachi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/7993a0/32.png) [@Tupug\_Anachi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Tupug_Anachi)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 8:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/23 "2006-06-12T20:47:43Z")
**More Teenage Constants:** Teens must return empty containers to the refrigerator. It’s a law. Oh, and they did TOO drink out of that drink container. Teens will invariably open any packaging in such a manner that it looks as though they used the dog’s teeth. Teens live by the fifth dimension rule. Once they wipe something off of their hands on any convenient surface, it travels immediately to the fifth dimension. Teens live on the everlasting hope that if they stand with the refringerator door open long enough, something they want will magically appear. ---
**Author:** ![ivylass](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/9de053/32.png) [@ivylass](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ivylass)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/24 "2006-06-12T20:52:01Z")
[QUOTE=Tupug Anachi] **More Teenage Constants:** Teens must return empty containers to the refrigerator. It’s a law. Oh, and they did TOO drink out of that drink container. Teens will invariably open any packaging in such a manner that it looks as though they used the dog’s teeth. Teens live by the fifth dimension rule. Once they wipe something off of their hands on any convenient surface, it travels immediately to the fifth dimension. Teens live on the everlasting hope that if they stand with the refringerator door open long enough, something they want will magically appear. [/QUOTE] I’m going to start a new thread so we don’t hijack with more Teenage Constants. Who’s with me? ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 9:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/25 "2006-06-12T21:03:08Z")
[QUOTE=Lama Pacos] I love this thread. Partly because it’s horrifyingly accurate. [/QUOTE] _nod_ I read \*\*tdn’\*\*s OP, then thought to myself, “Ha! Not _my_ kitchen!” As a housewife who is still somewhat new to the game (ahhh, 'bout two and a half years or so by now), I truly believed that I had my shit together. I wandered into the kitchen, checking off everything on the list one by one, growing more and more incredulous, and by the time I got to the small, hard, nut-like object on the back of my middle refrigerator shelf that looked vaguely like it used to be an orange of some sort, I began peeking out my windows suspiciously, looking for any wandering **tdn’s** to hurl my nutfruit at… ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 9:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/26 "2006-06-12T21:07:40Z")
[QUOTE=Anastasaeon] I began peeking out my windows suspiciously, looking for any wandering **tdn’s** to hurl my nutfruit at… [/QUOTE] I beg your pardon? :eek: ---
**Author:** ![gigi](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/a587f6/32.png) [@gigi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gigi)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 10:12pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/27 "2006-06-12T22:12:58Z")
[QUOTE=Velma] The rule of milk: You will buy enough milk to last a week. Instead it will go bad before you drink even half of it and you end up pouring most of it out. Next time you go shopping you buy a half gallon instead. You will run out in a day. This finally results in a state of either having 3 gallons of milk in the fridge, or having none. [/QUOTE] Truer words were never spoken!! > [@tdn](#): > > The “heels” on a loaf of bread are mere packaging. They should be discarded much as you’d discard the wax coating on gouda cheese. In my house, they are kept, but only as a mechanism for preserving the moistness of the next, edible piece. ---
**Author:** ![Anastasaeon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/73ab20/32.png) [@Anastasaeon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Anastasaeon)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 10:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/28 "2006-06-12T22:16:20Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] I beg your pardon? :eek: [/QUOTE] Your OP was so eerily accurate, I had to make sure you weren’t peeking in my windows. I have this nutfruit from the middle shelf of my refrigerator, you see, ready to hurl at any peeping toms… ---
**Author:** ![iamthewalrus\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/258eb7/32.png) [@iamthewalrus\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/iamthewalrus_3)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/29 "2006-06-12T22:48:41Z")
If you are planning on eating a particular leftover, you will discover that it was previously eaten by a housemate. This will happen even if there is an absurdly large amount left over, such as a whole chicken. Said housemate will defend such acts as “there was so much, we could never eat it all in time.” Contrariwise, whenever you leave leftovers for said housemates, they will go to mold. Freezer space is a constantly diminishing resource. In years past, this could be blamed on frost accumulation, but we now must face the truth: the vegetable medley is breeding. ---
**Author:** ![Ghanima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Ghanima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ghanima)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/30 "2006-06-12T23:03:21Z")
I am so AR none of this stuff happens to me. Except the refrigerator fruit-nut. And the lone-pickle jar. And the brown sugar Home Defense System. Also, I have left the phone, the remote control and my keys in the refrigerator. Then there’s the boyfriend factor. I am the type of person that will not open the new jar of mayonnaise until the old one is scraped clean. The boyfriend on the other hand, opens the new jar immediately because it’s easier to get at the mayonnaise inside. Leaving the old one abandoned and forlorn. ---
**Author:** ![Homebrew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Homebrew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Homebrew)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/31 "2006-06-12T23:17:57Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] -The “heels” on a loaf of bread are mere packaging. [/QUOTE] I don’t understand this. The crusty parts are the best parts of bread. ---
**Author:** ![Waenara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@Waenara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waenara)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/32 "2006-06-12T23:25:39Z")
[QUOTE=Homebrew] I don’t understand this. The crusty parts are the best parts of bread. [/QUOTE] Mmmmm. I’d say the crusty parts of fresh french bread are the best part (when the crust is still crispy but the inside is fresh and soft). However, the crusts on all regular bread (sandwich bread) are, IMNSHO, not intended for human consumption in a sandwich. I save all the crust-ends in one bag in the freezer, and then use it to make stuffing, or possibly croutons. ---
**Author:** ![Rysto](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/ecccb3/32.png) [@Rysto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rysto)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/33 "2006-06-12T23:28:28Z")
[QUOTE=Homebrew] I don’t understand this. The crusty parts are the best parts of bread. [/QUOTE] We’re not talking about real, fresh bread. We’re talking about that stuff you get in plastic bags. ---
**Author:** ![SnakesCatLady](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/4af34b/32.png) [@SnakesCatLady](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SnakesCatLady)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:32pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/34 "2006-06-12T23:32:13Z")
No matter how many kitchen utensils you own, the one you need right now will be dirty. Someone posted above that wooden spoons multiply. This is not true in my kitchen. Wooden spoons and rubber spatulas disappear into the Twilight Zone, along with cigarette lighters and ink pens, causing me to want to buy stock in Dollar Tree. ---
**Author:** ![Harmonious\_Discord](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/74df32/32.png) [@Harmonious\_Discord](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harmonious_Discord)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/35 "2006-06-12T23:36:53Z")
Very good tdn. The bread obsevations are so on the mark. ---
**Author:** ![Waenara](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/w/50afbb/32.png) [@Waenara](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Waenara)\ **Post date:** [June 12, 2006, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/36 "2006-06-12T23:37:24Z")
My own kitchen constant contributions: - There is never enough room in the fridge freezer, so in order to fit everything in it is elaborately packed in _just so_ in a complicated puzzle. However, god help you if you need to get an item from the very back/bottom of the freezer. - Occasional trips to bulk food stores are useful, even for a person who lives alone, if you can buy a few commonly used items in bulk. But then if you buy something without realizing you already have it, you now have way too much. I recently bought a giant carton of microwave popcorn, without realizing I already have a nearly full one. One carton = 36 packages). I calculated that, calorie-wise, I could survive on popcorn alone for the next 24 days. In reality, I only have a bag of popcorn maybe twice a month, so it’ll last me three years. ---
**Author:** ![Amaranta](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/6f9a4e/32.png) [@Amaranta](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Amaranta)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 12:14am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/37 "2006-06-13T00:14:16Z")
[QUOTE=tdn] -The “heels” on a loaf of bread are mere packaging. They should be discarded much as you’d discard the wax coating on gouda cheese. [/QUOTE] [QUOTE=tdn] There is a lethal weapon in the kitchen. It it a blunt, brick-like weapon. It is usually labelled “brown sugar.” Look for it next to an unused box labelled “Argo Corn Starch.” [/QUOTE] Pssst. Instead of throwing out the heel of bread, place it in your brown sugar container. It’ll keep the brown sugar in it’s non-lethal, easily measurable state. Though you won’t have the satisfaction of smashing the brown sugar repeatedly on the counter to break it up, your housemates will surely appreciate it. ---
**Author:** ![MagicEyes](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/5daacb/32.png) [@MagicEyes](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/MagicEyes)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 2:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/38 "2006-06-13T02:44:43Z")
[QUOTE=WhyNot] (This one may just be me). Yes, we have brown sugar. Yes, we really do. No, you do not need to buy brown sugar. Really! It’s there! Three bags, in fact! OK, maybe just pick it up anyway, just in case you’re not remembering right. It’s only 89 cents… :smack: [/QUOTE] Have you been looking in my cabinets? Hey, I only have four bags of brown sugar. You have to have some light brown and some dark brown, and it might not be enough to make cookies, so it’s always good to pick up some more when you’re at the grocery store anyway. But that doesn’t explain why I have five jars of peanut butter. :rolleyes: I think that means it’s time to make peanut butter cookies! Oh, well, at least I don’t have a fruitnut. My kitchen constant: expired condiments multiply. No matter how often you clean the fridge, there are always jars of stuff that expired before you even moved in, so there’s no way it could have possibly been there that long. I could throw away everything in the fridge once a week, and the next week I’d find a jar of mustard that expired in 1996. How does that happen? I always throw stuff away when it’s expired, but I still find things that are impossibly old. My neighbor has a key–maybe she’s sneaking in and leaving expired jelly. ---
**Author:** ![Cluricaun](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/bb73d2/32.png) [@Cluricaun](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cluricaun)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 3:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/39 "2006-06-13T03:17:03Z")
Now that I’m home and I can look in the fridge, I notice a scary number of jars of olives. We don’t drink enough bloody marys to justify the amount of olives we have in the house. Lucky for us, olives never go bad. Right? ---
**Author:** ![Misnomer](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/misnomer/32/14897_2.png) [@Misnomer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Misnomer)\ **Post date:** [June 13, 2006, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448/40 "2006-06-13T03:38:59Z")
[QUOTE=Tupug Anachi] Teens live on the everlasting hope that if they stand with the refringerator door open long enough, something they want will magically appear. [/QUOTE] Hell, I’m almost 35 and I still do this sometimes – and I live alone, so if I didn’t buy ice cream and put it in the freezer there’s no way it’s gonna be in there! 😃 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/universal-constants-of-kitchen-foods/360448.md?page=3)