# Unpleasant Pleasantries **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [January 6, 2010, 3:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910 "2010-01-06T15:58:20Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 9\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![Textual\_Intercourse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Textual\_Intercourse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Textual_Intercourse)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 3:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/21 "2010-01-07T15:23:44Z")
> [@Kimmy\_Gibbler](#): > > Oh, I don’t know. Isn’t complaining about weather smalltalk almost as hoary as the weather smalltalk itself? Do you not rather suspect that I knew exactly where your OP was going as soon as I got to the second W1 and yet it went on for several more paragraphs? > > Since we’ve apparently all got a yen for “interesting” conversation, why can you talk at length to faceless strangers you’ll never meet on the internet yet can’t indulge a little chitchat with someone you see everyday? It’s a matter of substance. The OP spawned a number of replies ranging from jokes, to agreement/disagreement, to interesting observations such as why I can talk at length to strangers on the internet yet can’t indulge in a little chitchat with someone I see everyday. All of the replies have a point and I enjoy the back and forth exchange. It’s an exchange that I would never have with my co-workers. Just by me confessing that I’m sometimes uncomfortable with small talk, you guys know more about me than my co-workers ever will. Maybe the anonymity of an internet forum makes it easier for me to open up in this way and as such, easier to converse with faceless strangers. It’s interesting to consider… ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/22 "2010-01-07T16:51:29Z")
It’s a form of communication that establishes social contact without being too personal. It’s like looking at a person when you talk with him or her - it’s not necessary in the sense of being physically required, but considered polite and respectful towards others. The trick is that how much of this “social lubrication” conversation occurs varies enormously between cultures and sub-cultures. In the US, women tend to engage in more of this “small-talk” behavior. Also in the US, many women seem to feel there is something wrong, even rude, in _not_ acknowledging another person’s presence, and the usual way to do that is to engage in small talk. To not do so would be seen as rude, cold, and impersonal, even hostile in some circumstances. Men are more likely to simply nod at one another to acknowledge each other’s presence, although “good morning” and “how are you?” are often heard from them as well, they’re just not as likely to continue beyond a socially polite answer to those to inquiries. On a certain level, it’s not much different than shaking hands when introduced or at the conclusion of a meeting. So, at the heart of it, a lot of this stuff is an indirect way of saying “I see you there and recognize you as another person”. If the conversation goes on past an initial few speak-and-respond cycles it’s probably people who see each other fairly often acknowledging that the relationship is more than that of just strangers even if they’re not close friends. They’re still “on speaking terms” literally. Of course, in some other cultures direct eye contact is rude. Some cultures view touching as polite, some view it as highly offensive (I think we have even had a thread or two around here about that one). There’s considerable difference in perceptions of personal space. ---
**Author:** ![Textual\_Intercourse](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/eada6e/32.png) [@Textual\_Intercourse](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Textual_Intercourse)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 5:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/23 "2010-01-07T17:18:31Z")
> [@Broomstick](#): > > So, at the heart of it, a lot of this stuff is an indirect way of saying “I see you there and recognize you as another person”. If the conversation goes on past an initial few speak-and-respond cycles it’s probably people who see each other fairly often acknowledging that the relationship is more than that of just strangers even if they’re not close friends. They’re still “on speaking terms” literally. I can appreciate that. It’s just that for me, many of these social conventions don’t jive with the way I think. I speak when I have something to say and acknowledge others based on how well I know them and the environment I happen to be in at the time. For instance, the train/subway. There’s a woman that takes the same subway route that I do. I’ve seen her almost every day for the past 4 years yet neither of us has ever said a word to one another. When I step on train in the morning, everyone seems to be in their own little bubble. You can sense the imaginary walls that people erect around themselves even when the train is utterly packed. I once read that in large cities like New York where a lot of people are crammed together, they’ll tend to develop boundaries in certain situations to preserve (even if only in theory) their personal space. Apparently, this is an important aspect of our character. ---
**Author:** ![Zulema](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/db5fbb/32.png) [@Zulema](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zulema)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 5:58pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/24 "2010-01-07T17:58:51Z")
As a Realtor I have to call agents all the time just to find out information on listings. Once I identify myself, there is an uncomfortable pause when I’m waiting to see if I can ask my question or have to do the “How are you?-Fine, how are you?” exchange. They really don’t care, I really don’t care just tell me if it’s sold already. I get tired of this type of thing too. ---
**Author:** ![Broomstick](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/broomstick/32/246_2.png) [@Broomstick](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Broomstick)\ **Post date:** [January 7, 2010, 6:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/25 "2010-01-07T18:39:52Z")
> [@Textual\_Intercourse](#): > > I can appreciate that. It’s just that for me, many of these social conventions don’t jive with the way I think. I speak when I have something to say and acknowledge others based on how well I know them and the environment I happen to be in at the time. Since you’re not the chatty type but (presumably) still wish to be polite, perhaps direct eye contact, a smile, and a nod when someone says “good morning” or “hello” would suffice? From what I’ve observed, such a nonverbal response, which does the social duty of acknowledging the other, is likely to lead into extended verbal exchanges. You still, of course, get the chatty types. Or worse yet, the “I must hug you!” types, which make my skin crawl, but the hugging business seems to be more woman-to-woman than anything else. ---
**Author:** ![grimpixie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/ecb155/32.png) [@grimpixie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/grimpixie)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 12:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/26 "2010-01-08T12:38:00Z")
> [@wierdaaron](#): > > If someone says “How are you?” and I just say “Good” or “Fine” or “Great,” it feels like there’s a hanging moment where the other person expects me to add “How are _you_?” I don’t care how they are, and they don’t care how I am. Even worse is when they answer the question you haven’t asked: Caller: Hi Grim, how are you today? Grim: Fine thank you. Caller: I’m doing great! Now can I speak to you about Widgets Inc. blah blah snore… ---
**Author:** ![Dangerosa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/22d042/32.png) [@Dangerosa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dangerosa)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 12:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/27 "2010-01-08T12:50:17Z")
> [@wierdaaron](#): > > I just hate how “what’s up?” and “how are you?” are rhetorical questions now, or they’re expected to get the same question in response. Always have been. There are only a few topics traditionally considered “polite” for slight acquaintances. Inquiring about the other person is considered polite, going into any detail when answering that question isn’t, unless your “I’ve been feeling a little off” gets followed up with more inquiries. If anything, the rules have loosened now as fewer people are taught that “how are you” is not a leading question for a description of the events leading up to their scheduled hemorrhoid surgery. ---
**Author:** ![Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/f08c70/32.png) [@Crowbar\_of\_Irony\_3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Crowbar_of_Irony_3)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 2:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/28 "2010-01-08T14:13:50Z")
My typical responds to the “How are you” questions usually liven things up It ranges from a simple “Do you really want to know?” to “Well, pick your choice! Do you want to hear the trilogy edition, the cliff notes, or a short concise three paragraphs?” ---
**Author:** ![Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mean_mr.mustard/32/3865_2.png) [@Mean\_Mr.Mustard](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mean_Mr.Mustard)\ **Post date:** [January 8, 2010, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910/29 "2010-01-08T16:55:30Z")
I was out blowing snow just this morning. I heard, “We finally got some snow.”. It was my neighbor. I replied, “yep”. That was the entire conversation. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unpleasant-pleasantries/523910.md?page=1)