# Unproven private theories -- What's yours? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 22, 2003, 7:44am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275 "2003-04-22T07:44:56Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Lissa](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/85f322/32.png) [@Lissa](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lissa)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 3:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/61 "2003-04-23T03:21:11Z")
Another theory of mine is that dogs really understand every word that you say, but it’s in their best interest to pretend not to. (Else we would make them wash dishes, and things like that.) Some dogs can even spell. My dog perfectly understands that it’s time to run upstairs and dive under the bed when the words “vet” or “bath” are spelled aloud. Yet, she cocks her head and gives me a puzzled look when I say, “sit,” or “put that down!” Yeah, dogs know they’ve got it good. Not only do we feed them, scratch that itch place between the shoulders which they can’t reach, we also do all of the work which provides sustinence for the “pack.” Hell, we even pick up their crap for them. All they have to do is lounge around, return balls which are thrown and bark when someone knocks at the door. What a life! I want to reincarnate as a dog. * * * Yet another theory: Anything that comes with a warranty is specially designed to break and/or require costly repairs as soon as said warranty expires. Need I say more? ---
**Author:** ![Super\_Gnat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e274bd/32.png) [@Super\_Gnat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Super_Gnat)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/62 "2003-04-23T03:38:31Z")
**Biohazard** : you may be thinking of _The Ambassadors_ by Anthony Boucher. It’s included in the collection Fifty Short Science Fiction Tales. My unproven private theory? I believe that someday in my lifetime, something big will happen in my life – like somebody will attack my country or the economy will crash and we’ll all become refugees, something life-altering like that. I have no basis for believing this, but I often feel like it’s true. ---
**Author:** ![ianzin](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/i/ed655f/32.png) [@ianzin](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ianzin)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 3:46am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/63 "2003-04-23T03:46:32Z")
My theory is that everything you do in life, you do at least twice. If you liked it, you do it again because you liked it the first time. If you didn’t like it, you do it again either by mistake, or to see if the first time was a fluke, or to remind yourself how bad it was, or to see if you can make it any better this time (the answer is always “No”) or because you try very hard to avoid it doing it again, and this very striving prompts the universe to conspire to force you to do it again. Another way of recognising this truth is, “Nobody does anything once”. It’s either not at all or at least twice. I think this theory holds up to general observation, and you should all call it Ian’s Law and make it famous. ---
**Author:** ![ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/e9bcb4/32.png) [@ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ComeToTheDarkSideWeHaveCookies)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 3:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/64 "2003-04-23T03:50:01Z")
**Super Gnat** …I’ve always entertained what I thought were over-active imagination fantasies about a post-collapse US. It is the last frontier, persay, and the vehicle for a lot of sci-fi. Perhaps another theory would be that those who participate in this fiction are actually experiencing group premonition. ---
**Author:** ![LeeshaJoy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/8e8cbc/32.png) [@LeeshaJoy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/LeeshaJoy)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 4:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/65 "2003-04-23T04:43:16Z")
I recently saw a factoid claiming that nearsighted people tend to score higher on IQ tests than people with “normal” vision. Here’s my pet theory as to why that may be the case: Nearsightedness is caused by an eyeball that’s slightly longer than normal, so that light isn’t focused on the retina but rather several millimeters in front of it. (Farsightedness is the opposite–the eyeball is shorter than normal so the focus point is behind the retina.) That much is known fact–here’s where my theory comes in. Those more intelligent people have a frontal lobe which is a bit larger than that of the average person. Naturally, the braincase is also a bit larger to accomodate those extra brain cells–and it intrudes into the space reserved for the eye, which compresses the eyeball vertically, making it spread out lengthwise, resulting in nearsightedness. Voila! ---
**Author:** ![Second\_Star\_to\_the\_Right](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/3bc359/32.png) [@Second\_Star\_to\_the\_Right](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Second_Star_to_the_Right)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 5:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/66 "2003-04-23T05:35:16Z")
I’m convinced tollbooth operators have underground communities based around their respective tollbooths. I came up with this one day while riding in a friends car and observing a set of stairs between lanes that led underground to an unseen destination. I realized I’d never actually known anyone who worked in a tollbooth, or known of anyone, for that matter. It’s airtight, that theory. 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![AmbushBug](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ambushbug/32/4600_2.png) [@AmbushBug](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AmbushBug)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 5:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/67 "2003-04-23T05:40:31Z")
I am the only human; the rest of you are actors placed on this world-stage for my benefit. If I get on a plane and fly to some other city, that city was constructed for me. Some things, like Disneyland, are permanent constructions, but are empty and unused if I am not there. If I see a woman driving a car who looks vaguely like my mother-in-law, she’s being played by the same alien-robot-whatever-thing who plays my mother-in-law. I haven’t figured out yet what you want from me, but I will - I promise you that. 😃 > [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Drastic \* > \*\*I also agree with Anne Elk’s theory that a brontosaurus is thin at one end, much much thicker in the middle, and thin again at the far end. \*\* That theory is hers; she owns it. ---
**Author:** ![Osbie](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/cdc98d/32.png) [@Osbie](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Osbie)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 7:04am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/68 "2003-04-23T07:04:41Z")
Another cat theory: I am becoming more and more convinced that cats and their tails are two separate beings - why else would a cat chase his tail - and bite it? How else can a cat be padding contentedly in a sunbeam while the tail is doing the Annoyed Flick O’ Doom? Ghosts and monsters can’t see/hear you if you can’t see/hear them (thus confirming that I reason at the level of the Ravenous Bugblatter Beast of Traal). ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 6:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/69 "2003-04-23T18:22:53Z")
1. I am obviously a Love Goddess. If I so much as toy with the idea of having a crush on any single male of my acquaintance, including ones who appear to be terminally single, within a matter of weeks this person will have Found True Love. With someone who isn’t me. 2. (I stole this from Atlantic Monthly, but I believe it makes good sense.) The real reason for the current epidemic of French-bashing is that stereotypical French people bear a striking resemblance to stereotypical New Yorkers. It has been un-PC for the rest of America to criticize New Yorkers for over a year, but all that latent resentment has to come out _somewhere_. ---
**Author:** ![sperfur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/a9adbd/32.png) [@sperfur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sperfur)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 6:56pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/70 "2003-04-23T18:56:13Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Iteki \* > **Heaven and hell are the same thing. After death we become fully aware of the impact our time on earth has had on those around us, it’s implications, etc. This insight is ours for eternity (or whatever), so having eternity to reflect on the fact that you were a prick and hurt people a lot and noone really liked you would be hell, and getting to spend eternity (or whatever) with the knowledge that you had helped people, made their lives better, and were loved would be heaven.** This is so deep and introspective, I feel like I’m high. I’m printing this and taping it to my computer monitor to remind me to be a nice person. My theory: The smurfs were members of a communist society. ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 7:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/71 "2003-04-23T19:03:48Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Coldfire \* > \*\*Yes! I am not alone. > > Me and a friend, half-jokingly, decided to harrass our respective girlfriends with this theory (his girlfriend is now his wife, mine’s an ex-girlfriend, don’t know what _that_ tells you). We went as far as to say this also explains men’s superior sense of direction, and ability to read maps. Not that there were maps when we were still out hunting bears and stuff, but we developed better internal GPS skills. Women’s internal GPS skills are micro (where’s the stuff in the kitchen cabinets), ours is macro (where’s, say, France :p). > > The longer we entertained it, the more plausible it seemed. Therefore, it’s true now. Honestly. \*\* Yes! My paired down version of this is that women find stuff better than men and men find places better than women. Women also have better ESP than men in day to day, mundane prognostication. We know who is on the phone while it’s still ringing. They don’t. Will someone please do a study? ---
**Author:** ![koeeoaddi](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/koeeoaddi/32/408_2.png) [@koeeoaddi](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/koeeoaddi)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 7:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/72 "2003-04-23T19:08:22Z")
Oops, should have previewed - that would be _pared_ down. Guess I should have forseen that.😃 ---
**Author:** ![rockle](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/73ab20/32.png) [@rockle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rockle)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/73 "2003-04-23T20:18:02Z")
Here is another of my theories, which I wasn’t able to quite put into the right words until I heard Frank DeFord say it on NPR this morning: ``` "There is no position for the Cubs or Red Sox in any ordered Universe." ``` Of course, this is not really a _theory_ so much as it is the Eleventh Commandment. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/74 "2003-04-23T20:27:12Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by garius \* > \*\*women do actually find me attractive - they are just too shy to admit it. > > at least thats what i keep telling myself… \*\* hmmmmm, that would explain _my_ life too. ---
**Author:** ![ArrMatey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/arrmatey/32/3522_2.png) [@ArrMatey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/ArrMatey)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/75 "2003-04-23T20:40:29Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by AmbushBug \* > \*\*I am the only human; the rest of you are actors placed on this world-stage for my benefit. If I get on a plane and fly to some other city, that city was constructed for me. Some things, like Disneyland, are permanent constructions, but are empty and unused if I am not there. If I see a woman driving a car who looks vaguely like my mother-in-law, she’s being played by the same alien-robot-whatever-thing who plays my mother-in-law. > > I haven’t figured out yet what you want from me, but I will - I promise you that. > \*\* All right, folks, he figured it out. Onto phase 2! Lissa, you prep the canines, Osbie, you’re in charge of the felines, and remember to make sure he can’t read this thread! ---
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/76 "2003-04-23T20:48:55Z")
personal illogical theory: Diana was killed in an MI6 black bag op because she was to marry Dodi. Hit was performed after the Queen herself reached out through her security people, to find someone high enough up in MI6 who’d have loyalty to Queen over Tony. All expendable players were fatalities in a freak train derailment less than 2 weeks later. Yes, its a crap theory… ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/77 "2003-04-23T20:52:45Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by koeeoaddi \* > \*\*Women also have better ESP than men in day to day, mundane prognostication… …Will someone please do a study? \*\* Feh, amateur prognosticator. There WILL be a study done, in 2007, but you should have forseen that… 😉 ---
**Author:** ![Zenham](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/z/a5b964/32.png) [@Zenham](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Zenham)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 8:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/78 "2003-04-23T20:53:49Z")
The first shirt you pull out of the dryer when you’re in a hurry will be the one which is most severely contorted away from a ‘wearable’ state. ---
**Author:** ![Mariachi\_Kitty](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/ba8739/32.png) [@Mariachi\_Kitty](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mariachi_Kitty)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 9:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/79 "2003-04-23T21:10:53Z")
Bush Sr. knows who shot Kennedy. ---
**Author:** ![Gyrate](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/gyrate/32/3588_2.png) [@Gyrate](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gyrate)\ **Post date:** [April 23, 2003, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275/80 "2003-04-23T21:21:30Z")
Funny you should say that. My theory is that Bush Sr. engineered the 9/11 hijackings through his CIA connections in order to enable Bush Jr. to distract the public long enough to do most of the stuff he’s been doing (siphon money to his business friends, and so on). Given that there is some evidence of CIA-bin Laden connections in the past, this is not the most implausible theory in the world, but I keep hoping that it isn’t true. And if it is, I don’t really want to know anyway. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unproven-private-theories-whats-yours/170275.md?page=5)