# Unrequited Love **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 17, 2015, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874 "2015-02-17T00:29:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 4
**Author:** ![Count\_Blucher](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/c5a1d2/32.png) [@Count\_Blucher](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Count_Blucher)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 12:24am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/61 "2015-02-19T00:24:41Z")
Any chance I can leave a link to a sappy weepy typically bad wedding song video? […of Course I can…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP7m5VqQ6f8)😛 ---
**Author:** ![Helena330](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/helena330/32/531_2.png) [@Helena330](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Helena330)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 2:07am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/62 "2015-02-19T02:07:27Z")
Why is everyone so sure she doesn’t know Rik has feelings for her? I’ll bet she does. Tough spot, Rik. I hope you can find peace somehow. Hugs. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 2:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/63 "2015-02-19T02:26:18Z")
> [@GrumpyBunny](#): > > Ok, now I’m confused. You don’t see other women because you have HPV (which is really quite common), but you would see this woman from your church? No, I wouldn’t “see” her either. Surprisingly enough, perhaps, (though perhaps not, since it would go hand-in-hand with “pedestalising” her), my thoughts about her have never been sexual (okay, mostly not, and I’ve pushed them aside when they _have_ occurred). There are certain physical things I look for in a woman when looking at a woman in that way, and … she doesn’t hit any of them. She didn’t even hit them when she was younger. > [@get\_lives](#): > > HPV generally clears from your body on its own within a few years, in my understanding. That’s interesting. I have never heard that. My sister is a RN - I’ll ask her about that (she knows I have HPV). > [@Newtosite](#): > > Mister Rik – have you ever told anyone about this, > other than on a message board? Good Lord, no! The only people I know well enough IRL to talk to this about also know _her_. And there are very few of them I would trust to never let it slip. > [@Count\_Blucher](#): > > Any chance I can leave a link to a sappy weepy typically bad wedding song video? > > […of Course I can…](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MP7m5VqQ6f8)😛 Dear lord, I hate that song. Hated it since the first time I heard it when it was new. **This** is a wedding song: "My fall will be for you ..." ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 2:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/64 "2015-02-19T02:36:00Z")
OMG, I just realized why I like that song so much. I just thought it was Floor Jansen’s (the amazon singing it) performance. It’s the story _behind_ the song. Floor is actually the _third_ female singer in that band to sing the song. But it was written by the keyboard player specifically for the _first_ singer to sing. That first singer was his muse. And he wrote the song as his song to her (_to_ her, not _for_ her … but she sang it, and never realized what she was singing. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 2:50am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/65 "2015-02-19T02:50:54Z")
Mister Rik, do you want a resolution regarding the current situation? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 3:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/66 "2015-02-19T03:00:31Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > Mister Rik, do you want a resolution regarding the current situation? I have no idea. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 3:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/67 "2015-02-19T03:28:42Z")
At this rate, you’ll still carry this same burden ten years from now at age 58. ---
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 3:36am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/68 "2015-02-19T03:36:33Z")
It’s a question worth pondering, IMHO. Infatuation can be addictive in a very real sense, and even just discussing it here is probably giving you a bit of a hit. A resolution, i.e. you moving on with your life, would put an end to those hits, but it would free you up in so many ways that it’s worth the effort. So I understand why you’d rather not seek counselling–it’ll kill the fantasy. But that’s exactly what you need. ---
**Author:** ![lavenderviolet](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/cdc98d/32.png) [@lavenderviolet](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lavenderviolet)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 5:51am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/69 "2015-02-19T05:51:57Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but my “enforced lack of intimacy” has less to do with an inability to have/lack of desire for a real relationship, and more to do with this incurable STD that I have no desire to pass along (HPV is little more than a nuisance to me, but can cause cervical cancer in women.) It’s mainly the span of time I’ve “kept it to myself” that has resulted in me finding myself horribly out of practice when it comes to chatting up women. I think you have the mistaken impression that HPV is a lot more serious and rare than it actually is. The poster who said that most people clear an HPV infection is correct. In addition to that, several vaccinations have been developed against the HPV strains that most often cause cervical cancer. Nowadays, most young women are vaccinated against these HPV strains. However, most women your age have been already been exposed to HPV at some point, so the vaccinations are considered moot for women who have been sexually active for a while. The common nature of HPV is the whole reason that women are told to have routine Pap smears. Regular Pap smears will catch a problem like cervical cancer early before it becomes a big deal to treat it. While nobody wants to develop cancer, cervical cancer is extremely treatable in the early stages. There isn’t even any need for chemo or radiation if you catch it early. There is no reason why this issue should be preventing you from having a relationship. All you need to do is make sure any woman you date gets routine Pap smears - which women should be doing anyway, even if they don’t have any reason to think they are high risk. I hate to say it, man, but I think you’ve seriously over-reacted by enforcing celibacy on yourself all these years over this. HPV is not really that big of a deal in the big picture. The vast majority of sexually active people have had HPV at some point in their life, whether they knew it or not. ---
**Author:** ![elbows](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/b3f665/32.png) [@elbows](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/elbows)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 5:55am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/70 "2015-02-19T05:55:43Z")
For me, all of the creepy factor is in coming here to sneak brag about this. Clearly not seeking advice, clearly not expecting a warm receptive audience. So what’s that leave? I don’t know, but, …yuck! ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 6:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/71 "2015-02-19T06:21:35Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > Nowadays, most young women are vaccinated against these HPV strains. Yup, my RN sister has both of my nieces vaccinated against it. > [@](#): > > However, most women your age have been already been exposed to HPV at some point, so the vaccinations are considered moot for women who have been sexually active for a while. I think that is one of the things that confused me about the vaccine. Everything I read about it seemed to suggest that there was no point in vaccinating anybody older than 12-13 years old. And given that I’m not inclined to “see” 12-13 year old girls … I guess I misunderstood the articles. The ones I read came out very shortly after the vaccine was introduced, and the "no point in vaccinating girls older than 12-13 made it sound like the case for older women was, “whoops, too late for you”. So I’ve felt like I was looking at un protected women … > [@elbows](#): > > For me, all of the creepy factor is in coming here to sneak brag about this. Clearly not seeking advice, clearly not expecting a warm receptive audience. So what’s that leave? > > I don’t know, but, …yuck! BWUH? ---
**Author:** ![Lucretia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/13edae/32.png) [@Lucretia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lucretia)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 8:35am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/72 "2015-02-19T08:35:27Z")
Sweet og in heaven…you’ve been celibate for 20+ years because of…HPV!? Oh no…nononono…I don’t know who initially counseled you about this, but they did you a terrible disservice. The posters before are absolutely right…the vast majority of HPV clears itself in a few years, max. The vast majority of sexually active women _and_ men have had it at some point in their lives, mostly unknowingly. And even if you happen to have the kind that doesn’t clear _and_ causes cervical cancer, all that means is yearly PAPs for your partner. Cervical cancer is very slow growing, and is easily caught before it’s anything more than a few abnormal cells with regular PAPs. For the love of all that’s holy, man, forget this girl, and find a girlfriend. ---
**Author:** ![mo50](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/8797f3/32.png) [@mo50](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/mo50)\ **Post date:** [February 19, 2015, 9:38pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/73 "2015-02-19T21:38:44Z")
I’ve done this almost exact same thing, Rik, so I’m not trying to lecture you. I’ve coveted people who were unavailable for years and years, and it was all due to my own craving and attachment. It wasn’t anything close to “Love”. Us crazy people often don’t know we’re crazy! Please, get help, you’re wasting your life, and it’s precious. Get your head outta hour ass and start living, please, you deserve it! ---
**Author:** ![dada2fish](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/ccd318/32.png) [@dada2fish](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dada2fish)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 12:43am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/74 "2015-02-20T00:43:15Z")
Just a hunch, your reasons for celibacy go deeper than that. Fear of spreading HPV sounds like a convenient reason. Also, you say you don’t really have sexual feelings for this woman, so what exactly is it you feel that makes her stand apart from others? The crazy woman from the homeless shelter who basically threw herself at you? Maybe you use her as a convenient reason not to get out there and date. Homeless shelters aren’t usually advisable as a great place to find a potential date.\* \*Not saying everyone who is homeless is crazy. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 2:03am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/75 "2015-02-20T02:03:18Z")
> [@elbows](#): > > For me, all of the creepy factor is in coming here to sneak brag about this. WTF?! Worst. Sneak brag. Ever. :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![wonky](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/wonky/32/393_2.png) [@wonky](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/wonky)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 2:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/76 "2015-02-20T02:19:36Z")
> [@Icarus](#): > > You are currently in a long term emotional relationship - with your intense feelings of unrequited love. This relationship provides you with a lot of pleasure (along with the pain). If you told the object of your affections, and by some miracle she married you tomorrow, you would be forced to end this current relationship (the one with your intense feelings of unrequited love.) You would be at risk of going through all of the stages of loss - as with a level of intensity equal to your current intense feelings. Think about it. > [@even\_sven](#): > > Longing is a spectacularly deceptive feeling. It feels like connection, it feels like meaning, and it feels like something extremely real and extremely important. > > But it’s not. Longing is the lingering shadow of an instinct, a reflex. We are all built to feel a sense of strong, deep connection with people. Not with every person, but with dim lighting and ample self-disclosure, we are actually capable of feeling it with a great many people. This reflex has developed because it propels us into love. But the feeling of connection alone is not love. > > Love is an interaction, it’s an act that by two people that is continually performed and renewed. We tend to think of the various circumstances around love as irrelevant, as if love exists on a plain of its own. But the reality is htat we pass a dozen potential loves on the street every day. In the end, the circumstances are really 90% of what makes love a reality. WIthout circumstances, all there is is potential, and potential is cheap. > > Sometimes that initial reflex, that flood of chemicals, gets caught in a loop. It stops being about hte other person, and begins to feed off of itself. It’s a terrifying, exhilarating, and ultimately addicting feeling. > > But it’s not a real connection. It’s a phenomenon that lives and is entirely contained by yourself. This is a tough thing to come to terms with, as it can take tremendous energy and eventually becomes a part of a person’s self-identity and way of understanding the world. But eventually, it needs to be let go. I don’t have an easy way to do that, but it’s what has to happen. > [@Lobot](#): > > Infatuation can be addictive in a very real sense, and even just discussing it here is probably giving you a bit of a hit. A resolution, i.e. you moving on with your life, would put an end to those hits, but it would free you up in so many ways that it’s worth the effort. > > So I understand why you’d rather not seek counselling–it’ll kill the fantasy. But that’s exactly what you need. All three of these posts are incredibly wise. Of course, I’ll admit that I don’t believe in the existence of unrequited romantic love. Love is a feedback loop, not a moment. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 3:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/77 "2015-02-20T03:22:50Z")
> [@lavenderviolet](#): > > I think you have the mistaken impression that HPV is a lot more serious and rare than it actually is. > The poster who said that most people clear an HPV infection is correct. At this moment, I would like to have a serious discussion with the LPN who first treated me for HPV, shortly after I picked it up. Because all she ever told me was “it’s incurable, all we can do is treat the symptoms” (which treatment involved painting the warts that popped up with podophylin [no idea if I spelled that correctly]) and “the treatment is mainly cosmetic; it gets rid of the warts but not the infection”. I think “LPN” is a level or two above my sister’s “RN”, and that bitch didn’t tell me that it would go away after a while? I would happily slap myself for not doing my own research, but the Internet as we know it did not exist at that time. Was that LPN simply ignorant, or was she trying in the worst way possible way to encourage wearing a condom? Such encouragement at that time being completely unnecessary, as I normally wore a condom. It was just one alcohol-fueled encounter that made me forget. And the worst “sex” I ever had ended up saddling me with this crap. > [@MissSwitac](#): > > Just a hunch, your reasons for celibacy go deeper than that. Fear of spreading HPV sounds like a convenient reason. > > Also, you say you don’t really have sexual feelings for this woman, so what exactly is it you feel that makes her stand apart from others? I like her for who she is? > [@](#): > > The crazy woman from the homeless shelter who basically threw herself at you? Maybe you use her as a convenient reason not to get out there and date. Homeless shelters aren’t usually advisable as a great place to find a potential date. And living in one is a major “love life” killer. Especially when you actually have a full-time job, and you find yourself attracted to a coworker, and she finds herself attracted to you … but you don’t want to tell her where you live. That one didn’t work out well. > [@jsgoddess](#): > > All three of these posts are incredibly wise. > > Of course, I’ll admit that I don’t believe in the existence of unrequited romantic love. Love is a feedback loop, not a moment. Love is an action, not a feeling. That’s what my pastor always says. ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/78 "2015-02-20T04:15:10Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > Love is an action, not a feeling. That’s what my pastor always says. Feelings absolutely are part of what make love real. To deny that is just inconceivable. Yes, of course, love is not _all_ feelings but rather a combination of a few different very important and irreplaceable components. Work, compromise, trust, communication-especially when it’s the most difficult, and commitment. These things must all flow together in a stream of emotion. That emotion is one of deep, deep love and selflessness for your partner that streams through your very veins. It’s why risk is so scary for some. Because a broken heart can feel permanently irreparable. The hopelessness and despair can feel palpable inside of you. But when you finally realize what real-life love is like, you understand why a risk lost only sweetens the beauty of a risk won so much more intensely. Mister Rik, I honestly, from my heart, hope that you are able to experience these wonderful and terrible parts of life for yourself one day. Because either way, they are enriching experiences to have. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/79 "2015-02-20T04:28:50Z")
> [@Shakes](#): > > I was referring mostly to **Honey** and **Grumpybunny** who were suggesting he ask her out for a cup of coffee and then maybe see if she would like to see a movie or something. They’re basically encouraging him to pursue an engaged woman. A woman, I might add, he’s had an unhealthy obsession of for 15+ years. > What you’re suggesting, if I’m reading you correctly, is that he makes his romantic feelings know to her. While I don’t agree with this, I don’t have a problem with it either. I’d just rather he cut off all contact with this girl and give up this ridiculous fantasy. I see nothing wrong with him asking her if she would like to grab a cup of coffee. Friends do that all the time. She is engaged to someone she has only seen 6 times in the past 3 years. It’s possible she isn’t exactly thrilled with that situation. Being her friend and getting to now her better, can only help him to see her as more human, and not some perfect goddess. ---
**Author:** ![Honey](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/honey/32/5074_2.png) [@Honey](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Honey)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:34am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/80 "2015-02-20T04:34:51Z")
I do admit that at times I can be too much of a romantic, and it’s possible this is one of those times. 😉 [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874.md?page=3) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874.md?page=5)