# Unrequited Love **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [February 17, 2015, 12:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874 "2015-02-17T00:29:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 18\ **Page:** 5
**Author:** ![Lobot](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/ce7236/32.png) [@Lobot](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobot)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:52am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/81 "2015-02-20T04:52:55Z")
> [@Honey](#): > > She is engaged to someone she has only seen 6 times in the past 3 years. It’s possible she isn’t exactly thrilled with that situation. The only people who know what a particular relationship is like from the inside are the two parties in that relationship. It’s presumptuous to guess what’s going on inside her head when we really know nothing about her or her fiance. If she really is unhappy, I’d hope she’d break it off for that reason, not because someone more immediate is now showing her interest. And going out for coffee “as a friend” is a terrible idea because it’s very much a date you’re having when you’re “not having a date”. Note that I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends. I’m just saying that a single man who has romantic feelings for an attached woman probably shouldn’t be doing date-like things with said woman, especially while lying to himself about it being a platonic excursion. No good comes from that scenario playing out. ---
**Author:** ![Rachellelogram](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/rachellelogram/32/8689_2.png) [@Rachellelogram](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rachellelogram)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 5:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/82 "2015-02-20T05:57:55Z")
I think it’s a sweet story. Not how I would choose to live my life, but I can’t judge. > [@Icarus](#): > > So, going back to the beginning of my response - you need to fix this, and you are clearly not capable of doing it without some professional help. It’s going to take time and effort, but the alternative is not a pretty sight. There are optimal paths through life. This probably isn’t one of them. But it’s his choice to make, his life to live. We could armchair psychoanalyze anyone all day, but it’s nothing more than mental masturbation. Maybe it would have been better for his long-term mental health to refocus his attentions on a more productive relationship a long time ago. Maybe this crush is a “safe” option for him, maybe he could have lived such a fulfilling life if he’d made other choices, maybe he would benefit from therapy, blah blah etc. But he’s not hurting anybody other than himself here, and we all have our own rows to hoe in life. He’s not actively nice-guying the woman, he’s keeping a respectable distance. What’s the problem? ---
**Author:** ![R3d\_Anonymous](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/aeb1de/32.png) [@R3d\_Anonymous](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/R3d_Anonymous)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/83 "2015-02-20T16:34:07Z")
You should definitely tell her, not in attempt to actually date her, but to just get it off your chest, so you can move on more easily. This story is quite a tragedy though. ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 4:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/84 "2015-02-20T16:55:36Z")
Telling her, or going out for coffee with her, are terrible ideas unless you decide you want to try to develop a relationship with her. And it is clear that you don’t. You have a crush on her, you don’t want a relationship with her. Two different things. So telling her will accomplish what? It will make her think you’re a creep, it will make things super-awkward at your church. Asking her out for coffee “as a friend” is a super-silly idea too, because you’re not her platonic friend. You’d be a jerk to do this. And I’ll agree with Rachel as well. You’re the one living your life. I agree that staying celibate because of HPV doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t mean staying celibate isn’t the best path for you, it might very well be. People who stay uninvolved for years and years usually are uninvolved for good reasons. If you decide you really do want a romantic relationship in your life, you first need to work on making yourself qualified to be in a romantic relationship. If you’re an emotional wreck you aren’t capable of having a girlfriend. Take a look at yourself and figure out what you need to change before you can allow yourself to search for a romantic partner, or decide that won’t work and figure out how to be the happiest you can be by yourself. Or both at the same time. As for HPV: [http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human\_papillomavirus](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_papillomavirus) ---
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 11:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/85 "2015-02-20T23:03:56Z")
> [@Lemur866](#): > > Telling her, or going out for coffee with her, are terrible ideas unless you decide you want to try to develop a relationship with her. And it is clear that you don’t. You have a crush on her, you don’t want a relationship with her. Two different things. So telling her will accomplish what? It will make her think you’re a creep, it will make things super-awkward at your church. Asking her out for coffee “as a friend” is a super-silly idea too, because you’re not her platonic friend. You’d be a jerk to do this. > > And I’ll agree with Rachel as well. You’re the one living your life. I agree that staying celibate because of HPV doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t mean staying celibate isn’t the best path for you, it might very well be. People who stay uninvolved for years and years usually are uninvolved for good reasons. > > If you decide you really do want a romantic relationship in your life, you first need to work on making yourself qualified to be in a romantic relationship. If you’re an emotional wreck you aren’t capable of having a girlfriend. Take a look at yourself and figure out what you need to change before you can allow yourself to search for a romantic partner, or decide that won’t work and figure out how to be the happiest you can be by yourself. Or both at the same time. > > As for HPV: [Human papillomavirus infection - Wikipedia](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Human_papillomavirus) Pretty much what I said…if you tell her and she says yes, I’ll venture a very educated guess, you’ll flee from the situation. Love is an action, agreed…but it’s shared unrequited love is futile and not love. I gave up on my unrequited love years ago and found my true love shortly thereafter. And you don’t need to be married, you can stay happily celibate too. You have choices, but I feel you’d benefit from an unbiased therapists take on your situation ---
**Author:** ![Lemur866](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/lemur866/32/434_2.png) [@Lemur866](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lemur866)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/86 "2015-02-20T23:24:22Z")
> [@BaldDude](#): > > You have choices, but I feel you’d benefit from an unbiased therapists take on your situation How many therapists does it take to change a lightbulb? One, but the lightbulb has to want to change ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [February 20, 2015, 11:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/87 "2015-02-20T23:37:29Z")
> [@Lobot](#): > > And going out for coffee “as a friend” is a terrible idea because it’s very much a date you’re having when you’re “not having a date”. Note that I’m not saying men and women can’t be friends. I’m just saying that a single man who has romantic feelings for an attached woman probably shouldn’t be doing date-like things with said woman, especially while lying to himself about it being a platonic excursion. No good comes from that scenario playing out. FWIW, I wholeheartedly agree. > [@Lemur866](#): > > And I’ll agree with Rachel as well. You’re the one living your life. I agree that staying celibate because of HPV doesn’t make sense. That doesn’t mean staying celibate isn’t the best path for you, it might very well be. **People who stay uninvolved for years and years** usually are uninvolved for good reasons. (bolding mine) It’s something of a “trend” in my family, as well. I have a 60-something aunt who has never married, or, as far as I know, even dated, and I’ve never seen any hint that she’s a lesbian, so she must have her reasons (I haven’t asked - none of my business, and it doesn’t matter to me anyway). Her younger sister didn’t marry until age 35, had two daughters, divorced, and never remarried (she passed last year from spinal cancer). And my youngest sister is 37 and has shown no signs of being interested in getting married, though in her case both my other sister and I are convinced that she’s an “in denial” lesbian. Oh, and I have a cousin (well, my mom’s first cousin; I don’t know what that makes him to me) who didn’t marry until he was 42. ---
**Author:** ![Nawth\_Chucka](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/c57346/32.png) [@Nawth\_Chucka](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Nawth_Chucka)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2015, 1:09am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/88 "2015-02-21T01:09:31Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > At this moment, I would like to have a serious discussion with the LPN who first treated me for HPV, shortly after I picked it up. Because all she ever told me was “it’s incurable, all we can do is treat the symptoms” (which treatment involved painting the warts that popped up with podophylin [no idea if I spelled that correctly]) and “the treatment is mainly cosmetic; it gets rid of the warts but not the infection”. > > I think “LPN” is a level or two above my sister’s “RN”, and that bitch didn’t tell me that it would go away after a while? I would happily slap myself for not doing my own research, but the Internet as we know it did not exist at that time. Was that LPN simply ignorant, or was she trying in the worst way possible way to encourage wearing a condom? /snipped/ An LPN is below an RN, as it happens. But have you not seen a doctor in 20 years either? In theory, as a woman of a certain age I have to get a pap every damn year and you haven’t talked to a physician about HPV for the two decades you think you’ve had it, not even to get a second opinion on what you understood to be a lifelong sentence? ---
**Author:** ![Ambivalid](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/a5b964/32.png) [@Ambivalid](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ambivalid)\ **Post date:** [February 21, 2015, 1:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/89 "2015-02-21T01:19:17Z")
> [@Rachellelogram](#): > > I think it’s a sweet story. _Really?!_ You think this is a sweet story? My god, if you ever have kids, I fear for the bedtime stories you will tell them. :eek: ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 3:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/90 "2015-05-04T15:49:21Z")
> [@Mister\_Rik](#): > > I didn’t want to come right out and say it, but my “enforced lack of intimacy” has less to do with an inability to have/lack of desire for a real relationship, and more to do with this incurable STD that I have no desire to pass along (HPV is little more than a nuisance to me, but can cause cervical cancer in women.) It’s mainly the span of time I’ve “kept it to myself” that has resulted in me finding myself horribly out of practice when it comes to chatting up women. You make HPV sound rare, but isn’t it extremely common? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 4:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/91 "2015-05-04T16:07:37Z")
> [@Nawth\_Chucka](#): > > /snipped/ > An LPN is below an RN, as it happens. But have you not seen a doctor in 20 years either? In theory, as a woman of a certain age I have to get a pap every damn year and you haven’t talked to a physician about HPV for the two decades you think you’ve had it, not even to get a second opinion on what you understood to be a lifelong sentence? Actually, I later realized that I didn’t mean “LPN”, I meant “[Nurse Practitioner](http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Nurse_practitioner)”, which is indeed “above” an RN. > [@Velocity](#): > > You make HPV sound rare, but isn’t it extremely common? Apparently. But I didn’t feel like contributing to making it any _more_ common. But, like somebody said, it eventually goes away on its own, and I indeed haven’t had any new symptoms in over a decade. But, at this point I just can’t be arsed to go out looking for sex. ---
**Author:** ![Fallen](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/f/e99b99/32.png) [@Fallen](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fallen)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 7:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/92 "2015-05-04T19:00:43Z")
If your interest in her “was [and] is not sexual” but merely romantic (though we cannot know what “in love” means to you, and where/how your definition of it was formed), then I suggest that the likelihood of her being on the spectrum of asexual is unlikely and, therefore, that a mutually fulfilling relationship was never in the cards. (I also suggest that if she were interested in you, she’d have found a way to make that known at some point over the last 16-17 years.) I’d be seeking out either support group or individual counseling, or both. ---
**Author:** ![Velocity](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/velocity/32/18006_2.png) [@Velocity](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Velocity)\ **Post date:** [May 4, 2015, 10:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/93 "2015-05-04T22:49:57Z")
So, \*\*Mister Rik, \*\* seeing as how it’s been a few months since you started this thread, did you eventually end up doing anything about your unrequited-love situation? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 2:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/94 "2015-05-05T02:11:12Z")
> [@Velocity](#): > > So, \*\*Mister Rik, \*\* seeing as how it’s been a few months since you started this thread, did you eventually end up doing anything about your unrequited-love situation? Yes. I got it off my chest, and I’ve moved on. Additionally, her “military man” boyfriend has fulfilled his military obligation, and is now with her full time, and I wish them well. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [May 5, 2015, 7:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/95 "2015-05-05T19:47:30Z")
When you say you “got it off your chest”, do you mean you went and told her, or you did so by venting here? ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/96 "2015-05-06T02:17:55Z")
Venting here. I’ve gotten it out of my system. ---
**Author:** ![Mister\_Rik](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/mister_rik/32/491_2.png) [@Mister\_Rik](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mister_Rik)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 2:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/97 "2015-05-06T02:18:56Z")
And a sarcastic “thank you” to whomever resurrected this thread. ---
**Author:** ![BaldDudePeekskill](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/b5e925/32.png) [@BaldDudePeekskill](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BaldDudePeekskill)\ **Post date:** [May 6, 2015, 10:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874/98 "2015-05-06T22:37:33Z")
I’m glad there’s some resolution…now please speak with a medical professional about the HPV. For all you know, it could totally be a non issue now [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unrequited-love/712874.md?page=4)