# Unsolicited IMs.... wtf? **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 13, 2001, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137 "2001-11-13T16:40:48Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:40pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/1 "2001-11-13T16:40:48Z")
This was prompted by [this post](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?threadid=98687) in the Pit… but it’s been brewing for a while… What is it with people sending unsolicited IMs? And then getting all offended that I don’t want to drop everything I’m doing (which probably includes several IMs with people I actually know) to chat with them? (the following conversation is fictional, but highly representative) \>hi 24/m/ca how ru? \>\>um, hi. I’m ok. \>so what do u want to talk about? Huh? Who said I wanted to talk at all? \>\>I don’t know \>what do u do? \>\>I’m a stay home mom \>cool \>ur quiet \>\>sorry. \>what do you want to know about me? Is there a polite way to say that I don’t really want to know anything about them? \>\>I don’t really have any questions… I mean, I don’t know you. \>so ask me. u can ask anything \>\>but I don’t know who you are \>well how can u get 2 no me if u don’t ask? Where is it written that I want to know them? Is there some unwritten rule somewhere that says that I must have an interest in conversing with every stranger who decides to message me?? Sometimes I think these are even more frustrating than the random pathetic cybersex requests. At least with those I just say “no–go away” and it’s over. But I can’t bring myself to say to someone who is just trying to be friendly and chat “hey, I don’t know you, I don’t want to know you, I really couldn’t give a shit, so go away”… you know? ---
**Author:** ![Dragwyr](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dragwyr/32/2855_2.png) [@Dragwyr](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dragwyr)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/2 "2001-11-13T16:47:39Z")
What is getting me lately is IM messages sent to me by ICQ “Bots”. It isn’t even a real person sending me this crap, but an automated process somone has on their IM system. What a bunch of crap! ---
**Author:** ![Soda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Soda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soda)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:49pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/3 "2001-11-13T16:49:12Z")
You know, you start to wonder sometimes. I recieved three authorization requests on ICQ within two weeks or so (from one guy), declined/ignored all of them. Then a fourth arrives, from the same guy, still no explanation of who he is or why he’d want to be on my contact list. I just get so tired of him _not getting it_ so I decline, with a reason, saying “You’ve asked me four times, I’ve declined every time, what makes you think I’ll change my mind?” Never heard from him again. I just don’t understand why he’d think I’dd add him if he tried long enough. ---
**Author:** ![VitrolicBump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/a587f6/32.png) [@VitrolicBump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VitrolicBump)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/4 "2001-11-13T16:51:07Z")
I get that with ICQ. It is so annoying…grr…Like I really care who you are! Anywho. Urm…I am usually too nice to say, “No, I don’t want to know you. And while you’re at it, don’t put me on you contact list.” They (whoever) seem to like me for some odd reason. I was a bitch one time and made up a whole bunch of stories, but then they seemed to like me even more. GAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!! Why? Oh, well. I’ve lived. ---
**Author:** ![Jonathan\_Chance](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jonathan_chance/32/701_2.png) [@Jonathan\_Chance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jonathan_Chance)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/5 "2001-11-13T16:51:18Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by OpalCat \* > **\>well how can u get 2 no me if u don’t ask?** Frankly, anyone who would write that sentence shouldn’t be allowed near a machine in the first place. And a cheerful, “GO AWAY!” is all unwanted communications rate. Be rude if you feel the need. They’re being rude by pushing themselves at you. ---
**Author:** ![gobear](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/g/8dc957/32.png) [@gobear](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/gobear)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/6 "2001-11-13T16:54:31Z")
My standard response to an unsolicited IM is, “Do I know you?” If the answer is “No,” then I counter with, “Then you have no business IM’ing me.” That usually settles that. ---
**Author:** ![monster](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/7ab992/32.png) [@monster](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/monster)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 4:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/7 "2001-11-13T16:59:18Z")
Yep, I just say, “Sorry, I can’t talk right now.” Sometimes I’ll get a “Have a good day”, and sometimes I get a “F— you!”. Either way, they don’t bug me anymore. ---
**Author:** ![Britt](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/87869e/32.png) [@Britt](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Britt)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 6:08pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/8 "2001-11-13T18:08:35Z")
Only one person has ever sent me an IM, some nice you lady from Paris was kind enough to send me a link to some free pictures (a pity my security would only display a blank browser window), but it was nice of her to try don’t you think 🙂 ---
**Author:** ![Oreo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/c57346/32.png) [@Oreo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Oreo)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 6:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/9 "2001-11-13T18:36:29Z")
Maybe I’ve missed something. I usually just completely ignore IM’s from people I don’t know. I don’t even say “No, thanks.” Is this really rude of me? I mean, in real life you don’t go up to complete strangers and just start talking. (Unless you’re at a party or something.) Being online doesn’t give people permission to do it either, unless you’re purposely seeking out this kind of contact by participating in a chat room. In my opinion, this gives me the right to completely ignore them. My reading from the OP was that the guy **OpalCat** responded to assumed she wanted to chat simply because she responded in the first place. So he was confused when she didn’t help the conversation along. I don’t know…maybe I’ve incredibly rude to a lot of people. Oh, well. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 6:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/10 "2001-11-13T18:53:03Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Oreo \* > **My reading from the OP was that the guy OpalCat responded to assumed she wanted to chat simply because she responded in the first place. So he was confused when she didn’t help the conversation along.** If I don’t respond, I often get: \>hello? \>hello? \>helloooo??? \>hello??? (and for the record, the OP wasn’t from a real person, it was just me making it up. It is, however, highly representative of the kind of messages I get all day long.) Oh, and the “u” “r” “2” shit bugs me like you have no idea. GRR!! And “ur” is even worse. ---
**Author:** ![Cap\_n\_Crude](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/b9e5f3/32.png) [@Cap\_n\_Crude](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cap_n_Crude)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 7:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/11 "2001-11-13T19:35:46Z")
Did I miss something here? Both AIM and ICQ allow you to choose whether you’re available for random chat. They also let you choose whether your ID is visible to people who search for names. Why not just uncheck those options? I’ve used both programs, and I’ve never had a problem with unwanted stranger IMs. ---
**Author:** ![blur](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dbc845/32.png) [@blur](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/blur)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 8:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/12 "2001-11-13T20:22:13Z")
The only unsolicited IMs I usually get are from dopers or fathomites. I guess that doesn’t make them unsolicited since I have posted my AIM on both boards. Half the time I’m at work when they IM me, so I get stuck feeling very rude and feel like I have to track them down later to appologize. I don’t mind IMs from people from the boards, cause at least we have something in common to start talking about. But complete strangers piss me off, I just tell them to go away. I don’t care if I’m rude or not. ---
**Author:** ![Soda](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/cc9497/32.png) [@Soda](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Soda)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 8:59pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/13 "2001-11-13T20:59:57Z")
**Cap’n Crude** , I have checked all available boxes to avoid unsolicited messages, but I still get authorization requests from left and right. You’d think a person would get it after being declined _three_ times, but no. ---
**Author:** ![OpalCat](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/8edcca/32.png) [@OpalCat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OpalCat)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/14 "2001-11-13T21:13:11Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Cap’n Crude \* > \*\*Did I miss something here? Both AIM and ICQ allow you to choose whether you’re available for random chat. They also let you choose whether your ID is visible to people who search for names. Why not just uncheck those options? I’ve used both programs, and I’ve never had a problem with unwanted stranger IMs. \*\* “random chat” is off, which just means that I don’t come up in random chat searches. As for the rest, I **want** people to be able to find me. Just not total strangers like that. For example, if someone saw my website and wanted to talk to me, that would be fine. (and that happens)… but someone who doesn’t know me from Adam (well, Eve) and vice versa is just lame. I very specifically do NOT want to be “stealth” so no one can find me. ---
**Author:** ![VeraGemini](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/e9bcb4/32.png) [@VeraGemini](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/VeraGemini)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 9:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/15 "2001-11-13T21:23:07Z")
I have the same policy as gobear. I respond “Do I know you?” If the answer is satisfactory, I talk to them. If not, they get the fast track to my blocked list. No need to be polite to anyone that IMs a perfect stranger with inanities like “a/s/l?” or “sup?” ---
**Author:** ![Padeye](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/a9a28c/32.png) [@Padeye](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Padeye)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 10:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/16 "2001-11-13T22:03:47Z")
I’m sure you get a lot of: 1. What are you wearing? 2. What’s your bra size? 3. Hi Opal! 4. Do you (insert intimate detail of sexual practices)? Best to be direct with people. I get a lot of unsolicited chat and usually being direct about not wanting to chat outside my established circle does it. That and the Yahoo ignore list works well. FWIW almost no one asks my bra size 😃 ---
**Author:** ![even\_sven](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/dfb087/32.png) [@even\_sven](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/even_sven)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 10:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/17 "2001-11-13T22:48:05Z")
I enjoy random IMs. It can get pretty quiet writing term papers at three in the morning, and I find some comfort in the fact that someone else is up…a little bored a little lonely…too. Sometimes you meet losers, sometimes you meet really interesting people. If they are a loser, I just block them and they don’t bug me anymore. If they are interesting, then we have both gained from the equation. You’d be surprised how much intersting conversation you can get. If I can’t/don’t want to talk to them at any given moment, I just say I am busy and they go away. If it really bugs you, you can always put something like “I don’t accept messeges from people who I don’t know personally”, “my only interest is watching paint dry” or “no random chat, please” and people will pass you right up for someone more interesting. ---
**Author:** ![Geobabe](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/geobabe/32/3908_2.png) [@Geobabe](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Geobabe)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 11:01pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/18 "2001-11-13T23:01:02Z")
I got randomly IMed by a guy (or at least someone who said they were a guy) recently. I was engrossed in a really good conversation with another friend at the time, so I just blew him off, but later regretted it, because he used actual words and punctuation and stuff. That’s so unusual, I should have talked to him just to see what would happen. ---
**Author:** ![Daowajan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/3bc359/32.png) [@Daowajan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Daowajan)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 11:24pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/19 "2001-11-13T23:24:24Z")
I’m now automatically saying “Fuck off” to any IMer who doesn’t make it clear that he/she knows me from somewhere. Yes, I’m rude. 😛 ---
**Author:** ![BlackKnight](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/eb8c5e/32.png) [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)\ **Post date:** [November 13, 2001, 11:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137/20 "2001-11-13T23:39:28Z")
This isn’t just a problem with AIM and ICQ. I had it happen to me with MSN messenger. Reconstructed as best as I can from memory (random IMer’s words in bold): **\>hi, who are you?** Who are you? **\>Why do you want to know who I am?** Because you IMed me and I have no idea who you are. Do you know me? **\>i don’t know if I know you** ? **\>it depends … who are you?** I’d rather not say Do-loop for a few iterations with only minor modification of words. Eventually, she tells me she’s a 14 year old girl from somewhere (I don’t remember). She keeps pestering me to tell her who I am. The conversation continues: **\>seriously, who are you?** I’d rather not say. **\>don’t be mean!** How am I being mean? **\>at least tell me how old you are and if you’re a boy or a girl** Ok, fine. I’m 20/M **\>gross! you’re 20??!?!?? why are you talking to me then?** Um, what? **\>well, don’t you think that’s kinda weird being 20 and talking to 14 year olds?** Criminy! Yeah, I’m a pervert because I’m not quite rude enough to tell you directly to piss off, and you’re too stupid to take a hint. _grumble grumble_ [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unsolicited-ims-wtf/93137.md?page=2)