# Unwritten rule **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [October 26, 2000, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350 "2000-10-26T01:47:00Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 15\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 1:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/1 "2000-10-26T01:47:00Z")
I’m sure a good number of people are aware of the unwritten rule amongst friends. I’ll paraphrase it for those of you who might have not heard of this: _Friends should never date their friend’s ex_ Basically, this says that if you have a friend who broke up with someone, regardless of the time since they broke up, you can never date their ex. I bring this up because I want to know whether or not you believe I am in this same situation. _ **Boy A** has a very strictly platonic friend **Girl A** who are part of a group of friends, **Group A**. **Girl A** brought her friend **Girl B** , who is not part of **Group A** and was introduced to **Boy A**. **Boy A** wants to ask out **Girl B** but **Girl A** worries of the consequences in the event it does not turn out well._ So I am wondering if you feel that this situation is the same situation as a friend going out with a friend’s ex. Technically, this is her friend and not her ex. Also, **Girl B** fears that if things do not turn out well that she might lose either **Group A** or **Girl B**. But I see it only being a substantial problem had **Girl B** been part of **Group A** , which she is not. ---
**Author:** ![Sue\_Duhnym](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/91b2a8/32.png) [@Sue\_Duhnym](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sue_Duhnym)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 2:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/2 "2000-10-26T02:02:39Z")
:::shaking head::: Huh? Can’t you just use Sue Duhnyms please? ---
**Author:** ![Fretful\_Porpentine](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fretful_porpentine/32/2873_2.png) [@Fretful\_Porpentine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Fretful_Porpentine)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 2:21am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/3 "2000-10-26T02:21:05Z")
Err, I thought people generally outgrew the “friend’s ex” rule around age 20… And, if I understand this correctly, you’re asking _whether it’s OK to date a person who was introduced by a mutual friend_? For goodness’ sake, how _else_ are you supposed to meet somebody more compatible than your average singles-club hookup? Sheesh. ---
**Author:** ![obfusciatrist](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/4af34b/32.png) [@obfusciatrist](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/obfusciatrist)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 2:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/4 "2000-10-26T02:31:39Z")
Shit! Now you’ve written it down! You’ve ruined the whole thing and negated it because it is no longer THE UNWRITTEN RULE! ---
**Author:** ![barflyer](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/dc4da7/32.png) [@barflyer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/barflyer)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 3:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/5 "2000-10-26T03:38:36Z")
I’ve never heard of that rule. My exes were always fair game, and vice versa. ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 6:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/6 "2000-10-26T06:00:00Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by Fretful Porpentine \* > And, if I understand this correctly, you’re asking _whether it’s OK to date a person who was introduced by a mutual friend_? For goodness’ sake, how _else_ are you supposed to meet somebody more compatible than your average singles-club hookup? Sheesh. Well, she didn’t introduce us with the intent of “hooking us up.” She invited her friend to hang out with the group we have assembled. Also, she doesn’t have too many female friends to begin with so I’m seeing it as she will be afraid that say things don’t work out between me and her friend. She believes that her friend will no longer associate herself with her since she will be a constant reminder of me, given that she introduced us in the first place. > [@](#): > > _Originally posted by obfusciatrist_ > Shit! Now you’ve written it down! You’ve ruined the whole thing and negated it because it is no longer THE UNWRITTEN RULE! D’oh! Oh well, I guess this means I can run around wildly, saying, “HA! I can date your ex! And your ex!” Okay, well I’d probably get beat up first so I’ll just think about it during class. ---
**Author:** ![vandal](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/v/858c86/32.png) [@vandal](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/vandal)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 6:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/7 "2000-10-26T06:15:29Z")
\<\< dilligently trying to work out confusing word problem \>\> Okay, I take this to mean that John is friend’s with Sally, who together, belong to the Vandals. Then, Sally, introduces her friend, Jenny, to the Vandals. John expresses interest in Jenny, but Sally is a bit apprehensive about John’s motives. So, basically, you’re asking, is it okay if a person goes out with their friend’s friend, right? Alright, now for the second part, I’m a little confused. Paraphrasing here, you’re saying that if Jenny doesn’t fit in, she’ll lose the respect of the Vandals, or lose _herself_. > [@](#): > > **…Girl B fears that if things do not turn out well that she might lose either Group A or Girl B.** Girl B and Girl B are used in the same sentence, indicating that she will lose herself. Delving into your mind though, I’ll assume you meant to say Girl A, or Sally. In any case, I don’t see this as a problem. Furthermore, I don’t see how any of this has to do with ex’s, being that no one in this group was hitched. Just look at this scenario from the surface – there’s a guy who is friend’s with a girl, and that guy is interested in her friend – nothing more, nothing less. You ask is it socially acceptable? Sure, why not? I mean, isn’t that how a lot of relationships begin? Friends hooking up with friends through mutual friends? ---
**Author:** ![Aglarond](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@Aglarond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aglarond)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 12:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/8 "2000-10-26T12:42:05Z")
No, it is not the same thing. And, no, we’re older than 20 and the ‘unwritten’ rules still apply. I would never date a friend’s ex. I’ve wanted to, badly, but I never have. Tell your friend to go for it. ---
**Author:** ![Aglarond](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/c77e96/32.png) [@Aglarond](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Aglarond)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 12:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/9 "2000-10-26T12:45:39Z")
Sorry, misread it a little. If Girl A thinks it would be way too weird, then she needs to tell Boy A. They do need to work it out amongst themselves if she thinks it could cause a problem, but it’s not the same as dating a friend’s ex in that the option is still there. Ok, I think it came out right that time. ---
**Author:** ![DuhMan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/e9c0ed/32.png) [@DuhMan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DuhMan)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 12:46pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/10 "2000-10-26T12:46:54Z")
The rule you speak of usually only applies to friends of the same sex. For example… If I date a girl, she is completely off limits to any of my close guy friends. Or vice versa witth girls and their boyfriends. You are not in that situation. Unless Girl A is a lesbian and she was dating Girl B… and in that case, consider yourself lucky to be surrounded by good looking lesbians 😉 The general phrase that I have heard used to describe “the rule” is “bros before hos”. I must say, I’m a firm believer in this rule… it just aint right to date the same girl your good friend had a solid relationship with. If your buddy just casually dated her or just slept with her, she is still fair game though 😉 I could go on, but I’m sure I’ve said more than enough already. I’ll shut up now. ---
**Author:** ![Munch](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/munch/32/5281_2.png) [@Munch](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Munch)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 2:22pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/11 "2000-10-26T14:22:29Z")
Unwritten Rule #1: Unwritten Rule #2: Unwritten Rule #3: I could go on… ---
**Author:** ![magdalene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df788c/32.png) [@magdalene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/magdalene)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 3:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/12 "2000-10-26T15:06:49Z")
I think the real unwritten rule, more of a Law, really when you think about it, is “DON’T THINK YOU GET TO CONTROL WHO YOUR FRIENDS DO AND DON’T DATE. Sometimes your friends are just not thinking about YOUR comfort level.” If a good friend said “Hey, I’m really uncomfortable with the thought of you dating my ex, for these reasons” I’d definitely consider them. Hell, if he’s the ex of a really good friend, I’ve probably picked over his faults already with her ad nauseum and I know he’s a sociopath, a loser, bad in bed, etc. If a good friend said “hey, I’m uncomfortable with you dating the friend I brought by last night” I think I’d probe more as to why - maybe Girl A (Let’s call her Sue Duhnym) doesn’t want her friend dating you because she has a little thing for you and considers you “her property.” Girls can be weird and possessive about shit like that. But Girl A’s weird anxieties about the ways that your hypothetical breakup with her friend that you just met will affect her are NOT YOUR PROBLEM. If you like Girl B (let’s call her Sue Duhnym) then ask her out and do what you can to make Girl A (Sue Duhnym) not feel left out. Thank you, thank you very much. I’ll be here all week. ---
**Author:** ![porcupine](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/p/ac91a4/32.png) [@porcupine](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/porcupine)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 5:02pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/13 "2000-10-26T17:02:10Z")
**magdalene** , Damn, I was all ready to post to this thread, but you already said what I wanted to say. 🙂 I couldn’t agree more. ---
**Author:** ![kasuo](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/8c91f0/32.png) [@kasuo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kasuo)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 9:34pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/14 "2000-10-26T21:34:09Z")
> [@](#): > > \*Originally posted by vandal \* > > > [@](#): > > > > **…Girl B fears that if things do not turn out well that she might lose either Group A or Girl B.** > > Girl B and Girl B are used in the same sentence, indicating that she will lose herself. Delving into your mind though, I’ll assume you meant to say Girl A, or Sally. In any case, I don’t see this as a problem. Furthermore, I don’t see how any of this has to do with ex’s, being that no one in this group was hitched. Thanks for pointing out that error, Vandal. Yeah, I mistakenly typed the first **Girl B** in that sentence when I really meant **Girl A**. I tried using generic terms to explain the situation but obviously it’s generating more confusion. How about this: Boy A: John Girl A: Jane Girl B: Jill Or would this make it more confusing…? But the gist of it is that **Jane** feels that if **John** goes out with her friend **Jill** and things don’t work out, **Jill** will not want to hang out with **Jane** anymore because **Jane** is a good friend of **John** and would be a constant reminder of him. This circumstance is different in that **Jane** has few female friends and **Jill** is one of those few. To me, it seems that **Jane** is frustrated with her lack of female peers and is willing to protect the few she has. Argh, I say. Argh! ---
**Author:** ![Enderw24](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/e/ba9def/32.png) [@Enderw24](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enderw24)\ **Post date:** [October 26, 2000, 9:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/unwritten-rule/38350/15 "2000-10-26T21:50:44Z")
Mind if we call them Bruce to keep everything straight?