# Update on my daughter (warning: it ain't pretty) **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [April 18, 2005, 2:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828 "2005-04-18T02:22:12Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 2
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 2:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/21 "2005-04-18T14:19:14Z")
> [@pseudotriton ruber ruber](#): > > Please don’t promise her again not to express your feelings, especially here, fairly anonymously, where you can get much-needed support, advice, commisseration, etc. I’m not sure what she gets out of your keeping your thoughts and feelings bottled up, but whatever it is, you need to communicate more than she needs it, whatever it is. Well, when she asked me not to post about her on this board any more, she was fresh out of rehab; I had a lot of respect for what she was trying to do, and this seemed like a way to show that respect. However, now that she’s spit in our faces, so to speak, I don’t have any more respect for her. As for what she gets out of me keeping my feelings bottled up, she doesn’t get anything out of it. But I do know that she doesn’t like anything that takes my attention away from her. Community organizations I’m involved with, the SDMB, my husband, my other children. She seems to feel a need to have all of the attention focused on her, all of the time. When all attention isn’t focused on her, she pulls a drama queen act, like running away. She doesn’t seem to realize that it lost most of it’s drama after the second time. ---
**Author:** ![smiling\_bandit](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/e9a140/32.png) [@smiling\_bandit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/smiling_bandit)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 2:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/22 "2005-04-18T14:28:39Z")
I hate to say it, but she’s decided she’s going to do whatever she wants and she isn’t going to get help until she’s ready. Which probably means she’s going to fling herself into the dreaded pit of despair before she recognizes what she’s doing. And even then it’s pretty rough. ---
**Author:** ![Khadaji](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/9e8a1a/32.png) [@Khadaji](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Khadaji)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 2:35pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/23 "2005-04-18T14:35:33Z")
I am sorry to hear your news. Sending warm thoughts your way! ---
**Author:** ![lorene](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/65b543/32.png) [@lorene](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/lorene)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 3:16pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/24 "2005-04-18T15:16:59Z")
Oh, **Norinew**. I actually joined SDMB because of a post you had written a few years ago when your daughter attempted suicide. I felt so strongly about replying to it, and giving you the support you needed, that I joined. I’m sorry this is happening to you and your family. My combined experience (as a therapist, and also as one who went through many, many difficulties in my early 20’s) still doesn’t allow me to produce an easy answer. And I know you’ve likely heard it all anyhow, since rehab and psych hospitals and and counselors likely held family meetings, right? I’d say that she needs residential placement, but of course, if she’s about to turn 18, you can’t force that w/o petitioning for guardianship. Please let us know what the police have done and what the latest is. ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 3:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/25 "2005-04-18T15:28:01Z")
**lorene** , I did not realize that any post of mine had ever prompted anyone to join the SDMB. That kinda makes me smile. Yes, we’ve been through family therapy. However, my daughter seems to be heavily invested in her diagnoses of mental illness and addiction, and doesn’t seem willing to put in the effort to figure out what she’d be if she weren’t those things. That makes change very difficult. She’s not willing to actively participate in family therapy, because that would require her to take herself out of the roll of Victim. We can’t have that, now, can we? :dubious: ---
**Author:** ![Kythereia](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/k/e8c25b/32.png) [@Kythereia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Kythereia)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/26 "2005-04-18T15:37:48Z")
I have no words. Can I just give you a hug instead? ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/27 "2005-04-18T15:52:39Z")
> [@Kythereia](#): > > I have no words. > > Can I just give you a hug instead? I can use all of those I can get. Thanks. ---
**Author:** ![AHunter3](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ahunter3/32/368_2.png) [@AHunter3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/AHunter3)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 5:39pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/28 "2005-04-18T17:39:42Z")
☹ I’m really sorry to hear that things didn’t work out. It sounded good when she asked to go into rehab of her own volition. FWIW, maybe after a little time of not being answerable to anyone but herself (and the police from time to time, perhaps), she’ll again approach the option of cleaning herself up, this time more clear on the notion that she’s doing it for herself and herself alone. When you’re a juvenile it can be hard to get that clarity. Anyway, I hope so. ---
**Author:** ![cher3](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/da6949/32.png) [@cher3](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/cher3)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 5:51pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/29 "2005-04-18T17:51:47Z")
Sometimes it takes a few tries, or more than a few. My brother was where she is at that age. He had to go back in several times, and finally found an AA mentor outside of the family that he could relate to. It took that and the Army, but he’s been sober for more than 20 years now. ---
**Author:** ![OhFace](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/o/ecccb3/32.png) [@OhFace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/OhFace)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 6:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/30 "2005-04-18T18:03:42Z")
I also read your original thread, and was recently wondering how your daughter is doing. I’m sorry to hear that things aren’t going so well. Please keep us updated. I hope things get better soon. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 6:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/31 "2005-04-18T18:20:42Z")
Awwww, shit. I’m sorry, Norine. _long-distance hug_ ---
**Author:** ![Shodan](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/9f8e36/32.png) [@Shodan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Shodan)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 7:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/32 "2005-04-18T19:18:02Z")
I wish there were some magic words we could say, or good advice to offer. Regards, Shodan ---
**Author:** ![norinew](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/eb9ed0/32.png) [@norinew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/norinew)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 7:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/33 "2005-04-18T19:30:00Z")
> [@Shodan](#): > > I wish there were some magic words we could say, or good advice to offer. > > Regards, > Shodan Unfortunately, I don’t believe there are any magic words. As for good advice, I’m willing to give **Scylla’s** advice a try, if she’ll come home. Well, here she is now. I’ll check in later. ---
**Author:** ![Sunspace](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/sunspace/32/1250_2.png) [@Sunspace](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Sunspace)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 7:33pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/34 "2005-04-18T19:33:35Z")
Hugs to **Norinew**. One of my friends is going through something like your experience with her niece. It hurts. But as my counselor said this past weekend, love isn’t only hugs and sweetness. Sometimes love has to be tough and fierce and hard and not take shit in the face of something like this. ---
**Author:** ![FairyChatMom](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/fairychatmom/32/21906_2.png) [@FairyChatMom](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FairyChatMom)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 7:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/35 "2005-04-18T19:48:01Z")
I was just thinking of you and your daughter the other day - so sorry to hear this news. I have no wisdom or advice to offer, but I wish you all the strength you need as you deal with this. Your daughter sounds like a younger cousin of mine who ended up in jail at one point. I have no idea what happened next - she distanced herself from the whole family. I truly hope your daughter doesn’t follow that path. Hugs to you! ---
**Author:** ![Queen\_Bee\_1](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/q/e480ec/32.png) [@Queen\_Bee\_1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Queen_Bee_1)\ **Post date:** [April 18, 2005, 8:29pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/36 "2005-04-18T20:29:19Z")
norinew, you don’t know me from adam, but I lurk in and out of SDMB every now and then. I’ll shoot straight from the hip. Today, I helped bury a dear friend who struggled as long as I’ve known her against alcohol and prescriptions drugs. She wanted nothing more in her life than to be free from her addictions, tried everything, and she had some periods of success over the years. In the end, a relapse brought on by a [sarcasm] friend [/sarcasm] who could not or would not understand her struggle and encouraged her to pick up her old habits which brought about her death within a few short weeks. She left behind a husband and a 12 year old son, and many heartbroken friends. My point is this - I hear your frustration and I also hear your love for your daughter. Take a previous poster’s suggestion and find a Narc-Anon or Al-anon meeting for family members of addicts to learn how to cope with someone struggling with addictions. I admit I haven’t seen any of your other threads besides this one so I don’t have the complete back story. But your daughter appears to have been trying - that’s something. Just because she hasn’t been successful yet doesn’t mean she won’t be or doesn’t want to be. Teenagers are not always exactly wells of discipline, and when you mix in an addiction problem, it makes it even worse. Just keep on loving and supporting (emotionally) your daughter - you can’t make her make the right decisions all the time. Good luck to both of you. ---
**Author:** ![RTFirefly](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/c77e96/32.png) [@RTFirefly](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/RTFirefly)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2005, 12:00am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/37 "2005-04-19T00:00:25Z")
Ah, man. Norine, I’m so sorry to hear this. No advice; just hugs. You’re already doing what little I’d suggest - look out after yourself and the rest of your family first, and hang in there as best you can until she’s 18 and can walk/be kicked out that door. ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2005, 2:29am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/38 "2005-04-19T02:29:13Z")
> [@norinew](#): > > The combo of meds she’s on now is the combo that was found for her in the rehab, and seemed to be working very well. I suspect the illegal ones are just more fun. Does that sound cold? I don’t mean it to, but she’s scoffed at every single damned form of help that’s been offered, and won’t do anything to try to figure out what it is she needs. Oh, and did I mention she’s having sex with random guys who can give her what she wants? Nice, huh? Of course illegal drugs are more fun. For the most part, people who use illegal drugs do it as a social thing to feel wacky and have some fun. They don’t do it to feel normal or to not feel like crap (except maybe heroin when you’re deep down that particular hole). A long shot might be seeing if you can get her on a multi-dose program. Rather than having 20mg pills with a fixed schedule, you give the patient 5mg, 10mg, 20mg pills and they’re suppose to evaluate how much they think they need. Can give people a greater sense of control over their own treatment, which may help. That’s what a lot of the self-medication oriented rehab focuses on… it shifts the perception of using illegal drugs away from “Whoo, this is fun.” and gets them to look at it from a clinical perspective of just being another form of medication. This may end up in responsible use of illegal drugs (assume for the sake of argument that there is such a thing) for psychological maintenance. I don’t get the impression you’d support her choice to go down that path, though. ---
**Author:** ![1010011010](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/1/ea666f/32.png) [@1010011010](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/1010011010)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2005, 2:33am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/39 "2005-04-19T02:33:23Z")
By the way… She’s not having sex with random guys. She’s having sex with the guys she chooses to have sex with. It’s the only thing she has control over. Leastwise that’s my wager. ---
**Author:** ![Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/qadgop_the_mercotan/32/83_2.png) [@Qadgop\_the\_Mercotan](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Qadgop_the_Mercotan)\ **Post date:** [April 19, 2005, 2:39am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828/40 "2005-04-19T02:39:30Z")
> [@beckwall](#): > > Most people self-medicate because they feel somehow “damaged” by life circumstances. Addicts use because their addiction is active. When in the thralls of our disease, we addicts live to use and use to live. When we feel bad, we use to _feel_better. When we feel good, we use to feel _better_. **norinew** , my sympathies. I didn’t get it the first time either, and had to find a few lower bottoms and a few more treatments before I found continuing sobriety, back a few 24 hours ago now. While waiting to see if and when that will happen with your daughter, the best thing you can do is detach with love and take care of yourself. Going to Al-Anon is a great way to do that. [Previous page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828.md?page=1) [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-my-daughter-warning-it-aint-pretty/299828.md?page=3)