# Update on the roommate situation **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [November 27, 2012, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325 "2012-11-27T23:57:54Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 27, 2012, 11:57pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/1 "2012-11-27T23:57:54Z")
First, let me say up front that everything’s under control, I’ve put in calls to some people who can help diffuse the situation, and while I haven’t called 911 _yet_, I’m prepared to if things continue to escalate. I think they will listen to me, no matter what my fucked-up roommate says. The situation: I’ve mentioned before that I share a house with my younger half-brother, who is 27 and still going to college, which is an improvement since he’s never worked a real day in his life. (Aside from his so-called “business” which involved buying cars & computers off the Internet and attempting to sell them at a profit – but it’s my understanding that his so-called “partners” aren’t willing to work with him anymore.) He’s the type of kid who basically thinks the world owes him everything, and always demands “compromise” when he clearly doesn’t get the definition of the word. He doesn’t pay for rent or utilities, not even for Internet which is the ONLY thing I’ve asked him to pay for, and the sole reason I haven’t disconnected his wireless router is because I’m afraid he’ll go fucking psycho again. Anyway, enough backstory. This afternoon, he came home from school and immediately complained that it was too hot in his room, since I was running the heater while he was away (as per our agreement, I will only run the heater while he’s not home, since he “doesn’t like it blowing on him” and he refuses to close the vent in his room.) For some reason, he got really agitated and voices were raised, he got on the phone to his Mom and then THREW COFFEE IN MY FACE while talking to her, and even confessed to her what he did. “I can do whatever I want!” was one of the lines he used, I recall. He also got very intimidating and threatened to headbutt me and knocked a lit cigarette out of my hand, but this happened while he wasn’t on the phone with mommy so she can’t verify that part. Anyway, to wrap up, I’m _pretty_ sure his threats are baseless, how he can call the police and make up a lie and they’ll take me away just because he says so, but he’s wrong about that, I’m positive that if the cops saw him in that situation all shaking & irrational (he’s calmed down a bit since then) that they would listen to ME instead of him, especially since I can tell them he’s attempted suicide in the past, although it was more than 10 years ago. Last I overheard him in his room talking to someone (his mother, perhaps? or maybe one of his remaining friends?) about how he “has no place to go”, and “can’t live here anymore”, so with any luck he’ll accept reality and find a new place to live instead of constantly threatening to have his mommy cancel my lease and force me to move out – she wouldn’t do that, I even heard her say so while she was on speakerphone, even though we haven’t been on good terms recently. But maybe that will change soon? We shall see. TL;DR: If someone throws coffee in your face and threatens to head-butt you, and knocks a lit cigarette out of your hand, that’s assault, right? Just wondering. ---
**Author:** ![DiosaBellissima](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/d/a8b319/32.png) [@DiosaBellissima](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DiosaBellissima)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 12:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/2 "2012-11-28T00:20:21Z")
IDGI, why don’t you just move? ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/3 "2012-11-28T00:26:22Z")
> [@DiosaBellissima](#): > > IDGI, why don’t you just move? Why should I move? He’s the one with money, he’s the one with friends he can crash with, including a Mommy who lives locally and will take him in if necessary. Frankly, I can live with the constant whining and complaining, but when it comes to physical assault, I draw the line. And I’ve already got the ball rolling with other family members who are willing (hopefully) to mediate the situation…short of calling the police, which I’d rather not do. At least, that’s what I’ll say once somebody asks my opinion, which I hope will happen soon! [fingers crossed] ---
**Author:** ![Blue\_Mood](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ac91a4/32.png) [@Blue\_Mood](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Blue_Mood)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 10:15am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/4 "2012-11-28T10:15:42Z")
It sounds to me like that line has been crossed. I would be not just annoyed, but scared. If he has no compunction against throwing coffee in your face and knocking a cigarette out of your hand, things may escalate. I hope you are able to get rid of him soon. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 10:38am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/5 "2012-11-28T10:38:29Z")
> [@Blue\_Mood](#): > > It sounds to me like that line has been crossed. I would be not just annoyed, but scared. If he has no compunction against throwing coffee in your face and knocking a cigarette out of your hand, things may escalate. I hope you are able to get rid of him soon. He’s calmed down quite a bit, though I don’t know what’s going to happen yet. It’s possible that he’s had a reaction to his medication, which would explain not only his belligerence but also why he claims it was 90 degrees today when it was really only 65. :dubious: He spent most of the evening at his mother’s but came back after midnight – I guess she figured he was no longer a threat to himself or others, or maybe just didn’t want to deal with his shit. Hard to tell with that bunch. I’m not afraid of him physically, I’m big and can handle myself. Mostly I’m afraid of what he’s doing to himself, how his breakdown has already driven away most of his friends and is starting to affect his family now. But at this point it’s best to wait and see how things play out, and try not to escalate the situation. I did put some of my fragile valuables in the safe, just in case he decides to break things (which isn’t his style… but at this point, who knows?) I’ll BBL with updates, if any. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 12:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/6 "2012-11-28T12:23:16Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > Why should I move? Because your life is pretty messed up where you are. One of you should leave, and you can only control your own actions. ---
**Author:** ![Cinnamon\_Imp](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/c/58956e/32.png) [@Cinnamon\_Imp](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Cinnamon_Imp)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 12:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/7 "2012-11-28T12:37:11Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > The situation: I’ve mentioned before that I share a house with my younger half-brother…(snip) Can you link to the previous threads, for background? Thanks! I’ll agree with the above - no matter how in the right you may be, us taking your side isn’t going to accomplish anything (“Hey 'bro, a group of internet strangers agree you’re out of line, so quit hitting me.”), so I’d seriously consider finding a new place, or getting him officially removed from the lease on your place. ---
**Author:** ![sandra\_nz](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/s/eada6e/32.png) [@sandra\_nz](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sandra_nz)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 1:00pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/8 "2012-11-28T13:00:39Z")
What benefit do you get living there, versus living somewhere else? ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 2:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/9 "2012-11-28T14:20:27Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Imp](#): > > Can you link to the previous threads, for background? Thanks! In chronological order: [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=622114), [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=664229), and [here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=672220). The first thread may seem irrelevant but one of the major ongoing issues has been the HVAC and whether or not it should actually be used. > [@sandra\_nz](#): > > What benefit do you get living there, versus living somewhere else? I kinda like it here. Yeah, it’s the armpit of The Valley, where circling police helicopters are a nightly event and vehicular crime is a problem (my brother’s truck was broken into the very first night he slept over, whereas nobody’s touched my old junker, dunno if I should feel lucky or offended) but I’ve kinda dug myself a comfortable niche here. The security is pretty good (car thefts aside) and the maintenance guy is a real sweetheart who will sometimes fix things that aren’t necessarily covered by the HOA. Besides, I got a metric ton of stuff that would be a major hassle to pack up – the records and DVDs alone would take a month! Whereas roomie, being who he is, comes and goes with the wind; he could literally write a book about the art of crashing on friend’s sofas or flying off to Brazil or Indonesia for six months. Which really caught my attention, about how bad off he is right now, when I overheard him on the phone with his mother about how he has “no place to go” and he was practically begging to move back in with her. He must have really made a mess of his life if he’s got no friends left in town to crash with – heck, I’ve already got a few places lined up, just in case things get REALLY out of control, but I’d rather stay home to protect my stuff. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 2:30pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/10 "2012-11-28T14:30:53Z")
> [@Cinnamon\_Imp](#): > > no matter how in the right you may be, us taking your side isn’t going to accomplish anything (“Hey 'bro, a group of internet strangers agree you’re out of line, so quit hitting me.”) Yeah, I know. Rest assured there are IRL people, beyond roomie and his over-coddling mommy, who are helping to mediate the situation; but they’re not available 24/7, so I’m just using this place to vent. I did hide all the knives, though. Probably not necessary, but the way he was acting yesterday, you can never be too careful. And perhaps it will send him a message about just how far he got out of control yesterday. Wow, it was oddly disturbing to be on _that_ side of the equation, for once. ☹ ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 2:50pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/11 "2012-11-28T14:50:59Z")
From this and the previous threads, it sounds like you are dealing with extreme immaturity and possibly a pathological narcissist. You seriously need to get out of there. Obviously there is always going to be _something_ with this guy. You need to decide whether the _temporary_ bother and inconvenience of finding another place to live and packing up your shit and moving is preferable to dealing with this person’s bullshit _indefinitely_. I would hope so. Is there something else compelling you to live there? You say he doesn’t pay for anything so clearly you could afford to live elsewhere on your own. I’m certain there are plenty of other shitty condos in the Valley to be had that don’t involve living with a crazy person. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 2:55pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/12 "2012-11-28T14:55:23Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > I did hide all the knives, though. Probably not necessary, but the way he was acting yesterday, you can never be too careful. And perhaps it will send him a message about just how far he got out of control yesterday. Wow, it was oddly disturbing to be on _that_ side of the equation, for once. ☹ Re-read this paragraph and tell me again why you want to stay there? ---
**Author:** ![2gigch1](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/2gigch1/32/3313_2.png) [@2gigch1](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/2gigch1)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/13 "2012-11-28T15:10:58Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > From this and the previous threads, it sounds like you are dealing with extreme immaturity and possibly a pathological narcissist. If this is the case, and I believe **DCnDC** has it right, begin the process of moving or getting your half brother to move now. There is no compromise, no ‘making it better’, nothing that can improve this situation or create a good outcome. The default living conditions you describe are already intolerable to normal living, and once you extricate yourself from them you will find it obvious. You sound like a nice person, one of millions who will readily take on a burden to ‘help’ another person with issues in the hope that by accommodation they will eventually right their ship and be better for it. Sadly this is far from the case. Instead the self indulgent individual will see your capitulation as a sign of their ‘rightness’ and demand more and more. End your involvement one way or another and move on. Not only do you fail to assist your half brother with your help, you condemn others to the same fate because _once the narcissist has tasted self perceived moral superiority it’s a drink they search for again and again throughout their lives_. There is no finer liquor for that form of emotional alcoholic. Spoken from experience. ---
**Author:** ![buddha\_david](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/ee7513/32.png) [@buddha\_david](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/buddha_david)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:37pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/14 "2012-11-28T15:37:19Z")
> [@DCnDC](#): > > From this and the previous threads, it sounds like you are dealing with extreme immaturity and possibly a pathological narcissist. > > You seriously need to get out of there. If the problems were still limited to petty bickering and name-calling and other such things, then I would agree with you, the onus would be on me to either Deal With It or GTFO. But now that it’s escalated into actual physical violence, the tables have turned. He’s really got no leg to stand on and make demands of me, or his mother, because he’s crossed a very serious line and other people know it. But here’s the thing. I can put up with a lot of shit, I can even forgive the violent behavior, esp. if it does turn out to be a genuine medical issue. But at one point during yesterday’s confrontation, I caught him on the phone with his mom making up a cock & bull story about how _I_ was “becoming violent”, and how “he was scared of me”, etc. And when I confronted him about WTF he was doing, that’s when he threw coffee in my face. (And told his mom about what he just did.) That part (the cock & bull story) REALLY gets under my skin. I don’t even want to think about how things would have turned out if Little Lord Fuckpants (LLFP for short) was actually cool & collected enough to make that Great Lie stick. I’m normally an easy-going guy who can forgive & forget a whole lot of shit, but that type of sin borders on unpardonable. > [@Telemark](#): > > Re-read this paragraph and tell me again why you want to stay there? I dunno…the drama? (J/K of course…if only just.) ---
**Author:** ![Euphonious\_Polemic](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/euphonious_polemic/32/3002_2.png) [@Euphonious\_Polemic](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Euphonious_Polemic)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/15 "2012-11-28T15:47:59Z")
Another vote for “you need to move out now” And if I were you I would cut off all contact with this person, who clearly adds nothing to your life but drama and worry. You have no responsibility towards him. If things continue on without you making a move, things will go from bad to worse. I"m going to re-post what **DCnDC** said: "You need to decide whether the _temporary_ bother and inconvenience of finding another place to live and packing up your shit and moving is preferable to dealing with this person’s bullshit _indefinitely_. Because this person’s bullshit will continue forever. And it will likely escalate if he sees that he is getting away with it. He’'ll lie and make up new stories about you. ---
**Author:** ![Lanzy](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/l/74df32/32.png) [@Lanzy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lanzy)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/16 "2012-11-28T15:48:25Z")
Us: concensus … MOVE You: not gonna Yes, you have been assaulted, but don’t want good advice. OK, live your own life in whatever fashion you prefer. ---
**Author:** ![DCnDC](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dcndc/32/2842_2.png) [@DCnDC](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DCnDC)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:48pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/17 "2012-11-28T15:48:54Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > If the problems were still limited to petty bickering and name-calling and other such things, then I would agree with you, the onus would be on me to either Deal With It or GTFO. But now that it’s escalated into actual physical violence, the tables have turned. He’s really got no leg to stand on and make demands of me, or his mother, because he’s crossed a very serious line and other people know it. I get it. We _all_ get it. He’s in the wrong. We all agree that he’s in the wrong. We’re all on your side here. But here’s the thing: who’s right or wrong _does not matter_. There is nothing you can do that is going to change this person. From what you’ve told us about this person in the other threads, particularly that bit about him owning or being the future owner of the property, there is nothing you can do to force this person to move. **You cannot force other people to behave in the manner you would like, you can only choose the manner in which you deal with it, and in this case _your only option is to leave, ASAP_**. ---
**Author:** ![Telemark](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/telemark/32/372_2.png) [@Telemark](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Telemark)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:52pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/18 "2012-11-28T15:52:09Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > But here’s the thing. I can put up with a lot of shit, I can even forgive the violent behavior, esp. if it does turn out to be a genuine medical issue. If you don’t want to improve your life, just admit it and continue to stew about who’s “right” while you’re assaulted and abused. Or you can move. ---
**Author:** ![chargerrich](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/chargerrich/32/5399_2.png) [@chargerrich](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/chargerrich)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:53pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/19 "2012-11-28T15:53:23Z")
> [@buddha\_david](#): > > TL;DR: If someone throws coffee in your face and threatens to head-butt you, and knocks a lit cigarette out of your hand, that’s assault, right? Just wondering. I would beat his ass, but that’s me. Yes he assaulted you. Yes he crossed the line. Yes he could go to jail over it. Yes if you retaliated, you could go to jail. No I wouldn’t care, I would still beat his ass 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Alice\_The\_Goon](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/a/ed8c4c/32.png) [@Alice\_The\_Goon](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Alice_The_Goon)\ **Post date:** [November 28, 2012, 3:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325/20 "2012-11-28T15:54:42Z")
You are, of course, free to make your own decisions, but have you considered this- every time he acts crazy and assaults or threatens (which is legally an assault, as well) you, and you don’t call the police or have him evicted, you are actually enabling him to act this way. He could be seriously mentally ill, he’s definitely got some kind of serious problem- and you’re helping him to stay that way. You’re actually keeping him from getting help and living a better and happier life by not allowing him to face the consequences of his actions. You are not doing him or yourself any favors by not calling the police- you’re actively harming him. I hope that you can let yourself look at this situation differently, because what you’re doing now isn’t working. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/update-on-the-roommate-situation/642325.md?page=2)