# Updike and New Iskander, it's a twofer tuesday! **URL:** \ **Category:** The BBQ Pit\ **Created:** [November 8, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097 "2005-11-08T20:42:01Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 20\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 8:42pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/1 "2005-11-08T20:42:01Z")
## I have decided that **Isky** is, in fact, even dumber than **Uppy**. I have done this by flipping a coin, as I could not come to a conclusion otherwise. As such, this Pitting will begin with **Isky**. Our dear **Isky** , while wandering through the forest one day, suffered a terrible and humiliating “accident”. All I will say is that it involved a lust crazed bear, a hedgehog high on cocaine, a five pound bag of marshmallows, and a ball gag. Oxygen deprivation took its toll, and **Isky** was left with only one functioning neuron. Luckily, he seems not to mind. After the ursine rendevous, however, he decided to try hitting the keys on his keyboard in order to make those strange squiggly things people keep telling him are “words.” After a long time at the Dope, he seems to have begun to understand these strange “words”. However, “concepts”, “ideas” and “logic” are still beyond him. We hope that within the next decade he should be able to create a syllogism. **Isky** started [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=341985) to do several things. First, he was subtly waging war against the word “the”. I have tried imagining what conversations around the **Isky** household must be like, but it hurts my brain. “You go to library?” “Me no go to library, CIA hate me!” “Libruls outside?” “Libruls hate me much too!” In addition to his war against articles, **Isky** has decided that the Eeeevile Libruls[sup]tm[/sup] are somehow in bed with the CIA. This, of course, put him in mind of the bear, and how he keeps getting voicemail messages from that damn grizzly. This, of course, put **Isky** in a bad mood. Using “logic” which would find a comfy home on a gradeschool playground, **Isky** has assumed that the Libruls must love the CIA like a man loves a woman or like he once loved a bear. From this premise, he has somehow gotten it into his head that the Eeeevile Libruls[sup]tm[/sup] are as dense as he is, and they must like simply everything that the CIA does. Or be opposed to everything that the CIA does. Then, of course, not content to let his idiocy fester in his own thread, **Isky** decided to shit on [this thread](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343270&page=1&pp=50), gracing us with the profoundly insightful floater which was, and I quote: > [@](#): > > [What’s the big deal? So Cheney cooperating with CIA… I thought you guys like CIA?](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6773963&postcount=162) I’d say **Isky** is flame-bait, but that would insult all the mindless, accidentally inflamatory fools who slouch through the corridors of the internet. Instead, I will repeat what I have told him in another post: he is a concentrated ignorance bomb, he’s weaponized ignorance. His level of utter stupdity has been banned by the Geneva Convention as being too painful to endure for anybody with two neurons to rub together. In short, he is the Anti-Doper. Which of course brings us to his cognitive twin, **Uppy**. From [the same thread **Isky** took a big ol dump in](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=6763421), we see **Uppy** engaging in some mindless Librul Bashing. (And isn’t that the best kind?) Not only is his post his cite, but when faced with actual quotes of former President Carter’s words, **Uppy** has a level of intellectual dishonesty large enough for him to cling to his absurd claims instead of, ya know, thinking. And let’s not forget that in the course of that little ignorance fest, **Uppy** has tried to assert that murdering abortion providers is not the same thing as murdering American civilians, because, ya know, terrorists sometimes use airplanes. And what’s more? To quote: > [@](#): > > [Because a random person on a bus is presumptively innocent, whereas an abortionist is arguably not](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6765068&postcount=52) Oh boy, we’ve got a live one. But wait, there’s more! [Over here](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343212) we have **Uppy** disregarding the fact that money doesn’t grow on trees and that Louisiana has had most of its economic base destroyed… and instead wants to harp on the fact that if the state can’t pay 3.7 **billion** dollars after one of the worst natural disasters in American history, why, incompetence must be at work! He is, of course > [@](#): > > [sure [that] Louisiana rakes in boatloads of money in taxes](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6765642&postcount=50) And even when provided by a [cite](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6765815&postcount=54) by **EddyTeddyFreddy** , **Uppy** bravely [soldiers on](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showpost.php?p=6766360&postcount=55) And that’s just the idiocy we’ve seen in the last week or so! I ask you, collected Dopers, should we cage **Isky** & **Uppy** and put them on exhibit as examples of truly rare stupidity, or should we perhaps attempt to harvest the Stupid Gene from them and engage in some sort of viral warfare with our enemies, turning them into zomboids who wouldn’t be able to tie their shoes? I leave the ultimate answer up to you, my fellow Dopers. ---
**Author:** ![Ponder\_Stibbons](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/ponder_stibbons/32/343_2.png) [@Ponder\_Stibbons](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ponder_Stibbons)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:06pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/2 "2005-11-08T21:06:59Z")
… hold on, I’m still reading that monster of an OP … OK. I don’t have the patience to go track down the **Isky** threads. You lost me at “war against the word “the””. 🙂 I’m with you on **Updike** , though. That’s some mightily willful ignorance going on there. ---
**Author:** ![marshmallow](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/df705f/32.png) [@marshmallow](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/marshmallow)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/3 "2005-11-08T21:13:08Z")
This is obviously a libera/Jewish cabal attempting to subvert the opinions of respectable conservative posters on this board. Yup. ---
**Author:** ![New\_Iskander](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/n/db5fbb/32.png) [@New\_Iskander](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/New_Iskander)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:21pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/4 "2005-11-08T21:21:23Z")
Me no got THE it. ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/5 "2005-11-08T21:25:58Z")
Yeah, **New Iskander** ’s an idiot. I hate it how he bashes liberals like that. It’s just the sort of stupidity you’d expect from a conservative. 😃 ---
**Author:** ![TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/51bf81/32.png) [@TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/TLDRIDKJKLOLFTW)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/6 "2005-11-08T21:26:48Z")
Is this the first chapter of the new Umberto Eco novel? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:27pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/7 "2005-11-08T21:27:11Z")
I not sure what this is all about, but you really got me laughing and I am a co-worker asking whats wrong as I turn the laugh into a cough. Turning Blue Jim PS; Hey provide post number next time on those long threads. Some of us are lazy. 😉 ---
**Author:** ![tdn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/t/94ad74/32.png) [@tdn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tdn)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:28pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/8 "2005-11-08T21:28:21Z")
> [@jrfranchi](#): > > Hey provide post number next time on those long threads. Some of us are lazy. 😉 Damn liberal. Always expecting handouts from Pit threads. :rolleyes: ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 9:54pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/9 "2005-11-08T21:54:17Z")
> [@VCO3](#): > > Is this the first chapter of the new Umberto Eco novel? That would sure be neat. I’d love to get paid for writing. ---
**Author:** ![Jackmannii](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/jackmannii/32/311_2.png) [@Jackmannii](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Jackmannii)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 10:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/10 "2005-11-08T22:07:09Z")
> [@jrfranchi](#): > > I am a co-worker… Is this like “I’m my own grandpa”? ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 11:10pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/11 "2005-11-08T23:10:08Z")
> [@Jackmannii](#): > > Is this like “I’m my own grandpa”? Nope, I just shouldn’t try to write when I am choking down a laugh. Jim the incomprehensible. ---
**Author:** ![rjung](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/r/45deac/32.png) [@rjung](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/rjung)\ **Post date:** [November 8, 2005, 11:45pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/12 "2005-11-08T23:45:59Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > I have decided that Isky is, in fact, even dumber than Uppy. I have done this by flipping a coin, as I could not come to a conclusion otherwise. You need [specialized precision instruments](http://www.mos.org/sln/sem/intro.html) to determine the difference at that level. > [@mstay](#): > > This is obviously a libera/Jewish cabal attempting to subvert the opinions of respectable conservative posters on this board. I think all the respectable conservative posters on this board have renamed themselves as independents and moderates to avoid further association with the Bush-voting nutjobs on the right. ---
**Author:** ![betenoir](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/258eb7/32.png) [@betenoir](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/betenoir)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 12:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/13 "2005-11-09T00:02:49Z")
Wow. When you mentioned Uppy’s posting you left out the whole “excessive light” saga. In which he maintains his ignorance, perfect and pristine, even after tomndebb introdues him to the concept of sarcasm. And once he finally gets it (I think???) his only response is to take an unwarrented swipe at Guin. No, I think he wins. Sorry, New Iskander. ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 12:06am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/14 "2005-11-09T00:06:05Z")
**betenoir** : Ah, of course. I don’t know how I could’ve left that out. [The dark side of the farce starts with post 108.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343270&page=3&pp=50) ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 12:26am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/15 "2005-11-09T00:26:50Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > **betenoir** : Ah, of course. I don’t know how I could’ve left that out. > > [The dark side of the farce starts with post 108.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343270&page=3&pp=50) I’ve gotta give this contest to **Uppy**. He is showing a steady level of belligerent stupidity in the face of all comers and a real nasty streak. I don’t even see from the evidence presented where **Isky** is in the same class. Jim ---
**Author:** ![FinnAgain](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/finnagain/32/12500_2.png) [@FinnAgain](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FinnAgain)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 12:40am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/16 "2005-11-09T00:40:29Z")
Point. Can it be that **Isky** is just not dumb _enough_ for this contest? That has truly frightening implications. ---
**Author:** ![Guinastasia](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/guinastasia/32/5751_2.png) [@Guinastasia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Guinastasia)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 12:45am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/17 "2005-11-09T00:45:30Z")
Wow…that’s some powerful stupid. Did someone put bleach in their drinking water? ---
**Author:** ![Harborwolf](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/c89c15/32.png) [@Harborwolf](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Harborwolf)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 1:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/18 "2005-11-09T01:12:56Z")
> [@FinnAgain](#): > > **betenoir** : Ah, of course. I don’t know how I could’ve left that out. > > [The dark side of the farce starts with post 108.](http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?t=343270&page=3&pp=50) Whoa. This one goes to Updike by a huge margin. Iskander isn’t even in the same league. That is some serious next level stupidity. ---
**Author:** ![What\_Exit](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/what_exit/32/10652_2.png) [@What\_Exit](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/What_Exit)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 1:18am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/19 "2005-11-09T01:18:20Z")
> [@Harborwolf](#): > > Whoa. This one goes to Updike by a huge margin. Iskander isn’t even in the same league. That is some serious next level stupidity. The Momentum is really building in this Election. Early returns indicate that it will be \*\*Uppy \*\* by a landslide. News Updates at 11. Back to you **FinnAgain** Jim 😃 ---
**Author:** ![Brainiac4](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/brainiac4/32/3534_2.png) [@Brainiac4](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Brainiac4)\ **Post date:** [November 9, 2005, 1:22am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097/20 "2005-11-09T01:22:46Z")
I’m voting for \*\*Updike \*\*in this one. **New Iskander** has the smokescreen of incomprehensibility. He may well be dumber than a bag of hammers (I’d call it likely) but his limited command of English makes it hard to tell. Updike, on the other hand, is capable of expressing himself fairly clearly, and thus reveals a truly breathtaking level of stupid, combined with a pugnacious approach to discourse that makes for real entertainment. [Next page](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/updike-and-new-iskander-its-a-twofer-tuesday/330097.md?page=2)