# Useful Therapy Advice That Clicked **URL:** \ **Category:** Miscellaneous and Personal Stuff I Must Share\ **Created:** [August 4, 2021, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008 "2021-08-04T02:41:07Z")\ **Posts on this page:** 17\ **Page:** 1
**Author:** ![superwombat](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/superwombat/32/16616_2.png) [@superwombat](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/superwombat)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 2:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/1 "2021-08-04T02:41:07Z")
Curious if anyone had some therapeutic wisdom they’d like to share. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 2:53am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/2 "2021-08-04T02:53:45Z")
I think for me, it was the explanation that the language you use in your internal monologue matters in how you perceive things. The classic example is framing things that you wish you had done as “should have done”. That makes it into basically a pass/fail thing that you failed to accomplish, and makes you more self-critical than you otherwise might be, versus saying “I wish I had done it.” ---
**Author:** ![Roderick\_Femm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/roderick_femm/32/14875_2.png) [@Roderick\_Femm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Roderick_Femm)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 4:08am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/3 "2021-08-04T04:08:11Z")
I wish I could distill it down to a paragraph, but for me therapy was a constant process of learning a different way of thinking about myself and all those other people I blamed for my problems. It took me a couple of years (30 years ago) to make decent progress, and I think I’ve carried it on fairly well by myself since then. One key I can mention is owning my own actions and feelings, but that’s become pretty ingrained by now and I don’t really remember how I got from there to here. ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 12:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/4 "2021-08-04T12:25:36Z")
> [@bump](#): > > The classic example is framing things that you wish you had done as “should have done”. Right, my husband learned to rephrase that as “could have done”. My contribution’s pretty tired, but it’s still something I say to myself all the time: “You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction to them.” Embroider it on a pillow. ---
**Author:** ![kayT](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/kayt/32/3633_2.png) [@kayT](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/kayT)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 5:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/5 "2021-08-04T17:13:10Z")
1. “Depression is anger turned inwards.” 2. “Don’t be harder on yourself than you are on everyone else.” 3. An exercise I was given: carry a brown paper bag with you for a week, and paper and pencil. Every time you say or think “should”, write it on a piece of paper and put it in the bag. At the end of the week, throw the bag in the trash. Don’t look at anything in it, just toss it. Now, don’t you feel lighter? (And, yes, I did, and whenever I start feeling oppressed or overworked or stressed, I remember this exercise and throw away a bunch of shoulds, virtually.) ---
**Author:** ![Dung\_Beetle](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/dung_beetle/32/7945_2.png) [@Dung\_Beetle](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Dung_Beetle)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 5:36pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/6 "2021-08-04T17:36:59Z")
Another goodie: “Don’t care more about other people’s problems than they do themselves.” A valuable one to remember when you’re banging your head against some mad bugger’s wall. ---
**Author:** ![Mrs\_Fairway](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/m/47e85d/32.png) [@Mrs\_Fairway](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Mrs_Fairway)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 6:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/7 "2021-08-04T18:19:03Z")
I always hated hearing, “Depression is anger turned inward.” For many of us, this is absolutely not true and blames the sufferer. It’s a chemical imbalance that I could not change by “not being angry.” I worked in therapy for years and nothing helped until I was finally prescribed medication. ---
**Author:** ![DocCathode](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/doccathode/32/18773_2.png) [@DocCathode](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/DocCathode)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 10:25pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/8 "2021-08-04T22:25:07Z")
Every time I had to punish my niece, I would feel guilty and worry that she wouldn’t love me any more. Then, my therapist asked me a rhetorical question- “How many people have you known who have been horribly abused by their parents or families and still feel ony conflicted about them?” Yeah, Sky wasn’t going to stop loving me because I gave her a stern talking to and a time out. ---
**Author:** ![UltraVires](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/u/ecccb3/32.png) [@UltraVires](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/UltraVires)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 10:47pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/9 "2021-08-04T22:47:18Z")
In addition to that, you don’t beat yourself up for decisions you made at age 20 based on your now 50 year old wisdom. Of course you would do things differently than you did when you were younger, because now you are wiser. Don’t be upset with yourself that you didn’t have wisdom decades beyond your years. ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [August 4, 2021, 11:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/10 "2021-08-04T23:15:37Z")
> [@Mrs\_Fairway](#): > > I always hated hearing, “Depression is anger turned inward.” For many of us, this is absolutely not true and blames the sufferer. It’s a chemical imbalance that I could not change by “not being angry.” I worked in therapy for years and nothing helped until I was finally prescribed medication. This. Sure, I have anger issues but they are separate from my depression issues, which are pretty clearly hereditary. And I know how to see my anger and either solve it or let it go. So, that’s not it. Sometimes, it is good to be an adult. ---
**Author:** ![HelenGawn](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/h/a88e4f/32.png) [@HelenGawn](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/HelenGawn)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 10:17pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/11 "2021-08-05T22:17:19Z")
Baby steps. ---
**Author:** ![SenorBeef](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/senorbeef/32/2220_2.png) [@SenorBeef](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/SenorBeef)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 10:18pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/12 "2021-08-05T22:18:46Z")
In regards to working through problems in relationships, “an argument shouldn’t be me vs you, it should be us vs problem” ---
**Author:** ![carnut](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/carnut/32/3531_2.png) [@carnut](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/carnut)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 10:23pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/13 "2021-08-05T22:23:29Z")
Good one @SenorBeef! ---
**Author:** ![Thudlow\_Boink](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/thudlow_boink/32/320_2.png) [@Thudlow\_Boink](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Thudlow_Boink)\ **Post date:** [August 5, 2021, 11:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/14 "2021-08-05T23:31:09Z")
> [@HelenGawn](#): > > Baby steps. Was your therapist Dr. Leo Marvin? [![](https://images2.minutemediacdn.com/image/upload/c_fill,g_auto,h_740,w_1100/v1555353084/shape/mentalfloss/bob_hed.jpg) ](https://images2.minutemediacdn.com/image/upload/c_fill,g_auto,h_740,w_1100/v1555353084/shape/mentalfloss/bob_hed.jpg) ---
**Author:** ![shh1313](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/shh1313/32/8020_2.png) [@shh1313](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/shh1313)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2021, 12:17am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/15 "2021-08-06T00:17:51Z")
When everything in life was really good I couldn’t understand why I wasn’t really happy. Then I would do something to create excitement and some of the things caused problems. The therapist told me since all I knew and grew up with was chaos, & disfunctional relationships. When my life was normal and all was good I was not comfortable and I created what I knew and that was my normal hence my need to create chaos. WOW… that changed my life. I’ll never forget that. ---
**Author:** ![bump](https://avatars.discourse-cdn.com/v4/letter/b/7c8e57/32.png) [@bump](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/bump)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2021, 2:07pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/16 "2021-08-06T14:07:47Z")
The way it was explained to me was that the point wasn’t to fix things in a day, but rather to chip away at it, much like a sculptor does with a block of marble. The goal should be to knock a few chips off each day and count that success, rather than look at the block and feel like you’re failing. ---
**Author:** ![Enjoy\_Slurm](https://sea3.discourse-cdn.com/straightdope/user_avatar/boards.straightdope.com/enjoy_slurm/32/3937_2.png) [@Enjoy\_Slurm](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Enjoy_Slurm)\ **Post date:** [August 6, 2021, 8:20pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useful-therapy-advice-that-clicked/948008/17 "2021-08-06T20:20:38Z")
> [@Dung\_Beetle](#): > > “You can’t control other people’s actions, but you can control your reaction to them.” Along this line, “You can’t fix other people. You can only offer help and guidance.”