# Useless magic items
**URL:** https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225
**Category:** Cafe Society
**Created:** [April 8, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225 "2003-04-08T02:57:41Z")
**Posts on this page:** 20
**Page:** 1
### Author:  [@tracer](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/tracer)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 2:57am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/1 "2003-04-08T02:57:41Z")
The first issue of _Fantasy Gamer_ magazine contained a rather nice list of (ahem) “magic” items whose powers were next to useless. A few of these items were:[ul][li]A _rod of rulership_ that only works when submerged in the blood of Cthulu.[/li][li]An _arrow of location_: When suspended on a string, the arrow will always point to the person holding the string.[/li][li]A _ring of invisibility_: When placed on a finger, the ring turns invisible. Its wearer stays visible, however.[/li][li]A _mace of sharpness_.[/li][li]A coin with the word “Yes” printed on one side and “No” printed on the other. When flipped and asked a yes-or-no question, it always lands on edge.[/li][li]A _scabbard of sword resistance_: No sword can be sheathed in it.[/li][li]_The Lance of Quixote_: +10 vs. windmills, -2 against any other target when a windmill is within 400 yards.[/li][li]A _ring of invulnerability_: The ring can never be damaged. (Its wearer is just as vulnerable as ever, though).[/ul][/li]There were other, less interesting “outre” magic items on this list, but you know what? I don’t think their list was **nearly** long enough. We need to add more!
I’ll start with a few of my own ideas:
[ul][li]_plate mail of etherealness_: When the wearer utters a command word, this suit of plate mail becomes completely intangible. The wearer remains solid, though.[/li][li]A _ring of reverse x-ray vision_: This ring enables its wearer to see through solid lead, but nothing else.[/li][li]Flame-retardant matches. A dweomer on these otherwise-ordinary wooden matches prevents them from burning. You no longer have to worry about your matches getting destroyed in a fire.[/li][li]_statue of swimming_: You can swim at twice your normal speed so long as you carry this 900-pound statue with you.[/li][li]_Orcusbane_: When attacking the demon prince of the undead, this tiny dagger is +1 to hit and does one extra damage point.[/li][li]_potion of air breathing_.[/li][li]_wand of air detection_: Very useful when you’ve imbibed a _potion of air breathing_.[/li][li]_cloak of the fungusman_: This cloak gives its wearer the proportionate strength and speed of a mushroom.[/li][li]_scarab of combination fire resistance_: When exposed to fire, electricity, poison gas, acid, and vacuum all at the same time, this broach will make you immune to the fire part.[/li][/ul]
Any others?
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### Author:  [@Gozu\_Tashoya](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Gozu_Tashoya)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 3:19am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/2 "2003-04-08T03:19:16Z")
_Gauntlets of Dead Ogre Strength_ - Crafted from the bones of a mighty ogre, these gauntlets give their wearer the strength of the ogre from which they were crafted. The _present_ strength of the ogre from which they were crafted.
_Monomorph potion_ - This potion magically transforms the person who drinks it the exact appearance of the person who drinks it.
_Parachute of Speed_ - When used (you know, as a parachute), it increases the speed of its user by a factor of a hundred.
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### Author:  [@Leaper](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Leaper)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 3:31am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/3 "2003-04-08T03:31:00Z")
In the old days of Dragon Magazine, the April issue would have Outrages from the Mages, chock-full of this kind of stuff, like the _rug of mothering_, which would nag you constantly, as well as spells of this ilk, like _speak with normal mud_. It doesn’t give the mud any intelligence or memory; it just allows you to communicate with it. 🙂
Damn, I wish I had those somewhere… _g_
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### Author:  [@Lobsang](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Lobsang)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 3:41am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/4 "2003-04-08T03:41:56Z")
> [@](#):
>
> cloak of the fungusman: This cloak gives its wearer the proportionate strength and speed of a mushroom.
Add the word ‘cloud’ to the end of that and you get a slight\* change in the strength and speed.
[sub]\*Slight - in the same way that the sun is slightly hot[/sub]
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### Author:  [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 4:11am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/5 "2003-04-08T04:11:34Z")
True Universal Solvent: a fluid which, at the end of the (long, complicated and highly expensive) process to create it is capable of dissolving any matter or force field.
This means, of course, that it disappears into the earth never to be seen again, no matter what you had it in the moment before you added the final ingredient.
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 4:12am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/6 "2003-04-08T04:12:04Z")
**Lobsang** : Yeah, but it’d definitely be a single-use item.
One of my favorites from Dragon was the +3 Hammer of Dwarf Throwing. When a dwarf utters the command word and tries to throw it at an enemies, it instead flips over and hurls the dwarf as a large missile.
Incidentally, wasn’t _Cloak of the Fungusman_ a Cat Stevens song?
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### Author:  [@Spiratu](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spiratu)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 4:32am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/7 "2003-04-08T04:32:49Z")
_Spectacles of Perseus’s Brother_: These magic glasses cause any monster with a petrification ability to run away in fear when you glare at them.
_Mining Powder_: Tossing this powder into the air has the same effect as an _Earthquake_ spell. It will only function when you are more than 300 feet underground.
_Boomerang Arrows+3_: You will never run out of these magic arrows. You will never be able to run away from them, either.
_Plate Mail + 30_: This armor is specially constructed of 15-foot thick granite plates.
_Potion of Extra Healing_: Whenever the protagonist of your story chugs one of these down, a meaningless henchmen will be resurrected and ready to fight again!
_Monkey’s Pen_: When placed on a blank scroll, this magical quill will tell you just what’s going through the mind of a random monkey on the planet.
Maybe some spells, too.
_Improved find familiar_: This high-level form of clairvoyance can tell you everything you want to know about things you are already highly familiar with.
_Burning Hips_: This variant of Burning Hands requires a mage well-trained in the Hokey Pokey.
_Weather-Divination_: This spell allows you to determine what the weather will be in the future. It will not specify a time, but you can be sure that the predicted weather will occur, somewhere, sometime in the future.
And don’t forget the lonely mage’s favorite:
_Charm ugly person of the opposite sex_
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### Author:  [@BlackKnight](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/BlackKnight)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/8 "2003-04-08T04:56:39Z")
_Ring of Spell Reversal_ - When you use it, it spells the word “reversal” for you.
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### Author:  [@Rabid\_Squirrel](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Rabid_Squirrel)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 4:56am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/9 "2003-04-08T04:56:48Z")
From random DnD sites:
Unusual spells
- _Safefall_: Upon casting, turns caster into a safe.
- _Bigbi’s Groping Hand_: 'Nuff said.
- _Powerword - Smirk_
- _Locate self_
- _Orgasmic polymorphing_: A special curse for all the sicko DMs out there.
Also, off the top of my head:
- _Wand of Brownian Motion_: Summons strong cup of tea.
- _Boulder of Smiting_: A 500lb granite boulder that, when thrown, hits someone _exactly_ like a 500lb granite boulder.
- _Volpal Trout of Slaying_: Victim must save verses death upon a successful piecing attack.
- _Fruggle’s Mighty Toothpick_: All food stuck in teeth must save verses picking or be dislodged
- _Wand of Squirrel Summoning_: Summons a squirrels. Not magic, talking, elemental or undead - just a single red squirrel. Successful luck roll also summons an acorn. Nothing else. Move along now.
- _Wand of anti-negative-un-negation_
- _Bush’s Warhat_: Cursed item. Reduces intelligence to 4 and wisdom to 2. Causes user to attack random provience.
- _Bow of Crotchshot_: Bonus to hit groin. All males in viewing distance must make a willpower save or spend one turn cringing in sympathy.
- _Axe of the Woodsman_ Bonus +5 to hit trees.
- _Scroll of Icarus_ Causes user to fly 100mph upwards for 10 seconds (obligatory Morrowind reference) .
- _The pen_: Bonus +10 to damage_The Sword_.
- _Cloak of Arrows_ Attracts arrows in a 5 mile radius. Has many holes in it.
- _Ring of Shininess_: Places semi-permanent binding spell on two people when worn. Typically used in conjunction with _Scroll of Prenuptual Agreement_
- _Mace of mace_: Upon striking, 50% chance of releasing a 2’ acid cloud.
- _Perpetual Bag of Holding_: Holds objects inside for a _really_ long time. Until you take it back out. Reusuable.
_gasp_…_weeze_…
Right, I’ve thrown down the gauntlet. Any takers 😛
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### Author:  [@Ranchoth](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Ranchoth)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 5:02am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/10 "2003-04-08T05:02:02Z")
• The _scent of unlife talisman_, which allows it’s bearer to detect zombies by smell. Granted, that’s not too hard to do in the first place…
•A _silver bullet_, garunteed to kill any werewolf. Of course, you need to invent the gun and blackpowder before you can actually use it. And even then you might miss what you’re shooting at.
•The _Wand of Deimos_, which induces, in anyone, homicidal rage and determination against the wand bearer.
•The _Coffeehouse Philosopher’s Stone_ Turns Lead into Bismuth, but the pure of heart can use it to remove rust from Gold.
•The _Safety Saber_, which is unable to cut living matter, or even formerly living matter.
•The _Boots of Oppenheimer_, which allow the user to walk on heavy water. But ONLY heavy water, not regular water.
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### Author:  [@3trew](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/3trew)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 5:20am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/11 "2003-04-08T05:20:03Z")
A _Robe of Useless Items_. It is covered in patches which, when torn off and following the speaking of the command word, turn into such things as the ashes of a campfire, an empty money pouch, the well-picked over remains of a meal, or a 1 foot pole.
Is anybody else having that thing where you look at the “useless” items and start finding situations they’d actually be quite handy in?
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### Author:  [@Balance](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Balance)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 5:42am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/12 "2003-04-08T05:42:36Z")
Some IFGS items:
_Ring of Insomnia_–Autoactivate Awaken, triggered by the onset of natural sleep. Unlimited uses.
_Ring of the Puzzlemaster_ (actual item from a game)–
-30 points of Life Support (heals you up to 30 points upon being reduced to 0 life points)
-Immunity to Hold spels
-Reduced knockdown/stun time
-+5 armor (most massive bonus possible in IFGS)
-Enables wearer to construct indestructible doors at will
-Drains all spell points from the wearer and any spell crystals, batteries, generators, and allies he may have, if he is a 10th level mage (max level in IFGS, very rare)
-Geases the wearer to find chokepoints in adventurers’ paths and block them with obnoxious puzzles
-Acquires the approximate weight of a lead rhinocerous when not worn by a 10th level mage.
Devious PCs can use some of the damnedest items, if you give them enough time to think. Both of the above examples were used–the first was given to a sentry, and the second was removed from the dead Puzzlemaster’s hand directly over an enemy’s head.
Uses for some of **tracer** ’s items:
A _ring of invisibility_: When placed on a finger, the ring turns invisible. Its wearer stays visible, however.
–Use a variant of Mage Script or Magic Mouth to load the ring with a spy report. You can then smuggle the info through a checkpoint easily.
A coin with the word “Yes” printed on one side and “No” printed on the other. When flipped and asked a yes-or-no question, it always lands on edge.
–Handy for rigged wagers.
A _scabbard of sword resistance_: No sword can be sheathed in it.
–If it’s flexible enough, make a gorget out of it. It might make you vorpal-proof.
_The Lance of Quixote_: +10 vs. windmills, -2 against any other target when a windmill is within 400 yards.
We actually had a windmill attack once. A major elemental was conjured in the stone of the walls. If you have a Quixote-esque character, such events are near-inevitable.
_plate mail of etherealness_: When the wearer utters a command word, this suit of plate mail becomes completely intangible. The wearer remains solid, though.
–Ethereal objects are not affected by gravity, so they stay where they are until you move them. With well-timed command words, you could use the plate to provide protection from ethereal creatures. In 3rd Ed, ghost touch armor (which extends into the Border Ethereal) is quite valuable.
Flame-retardant matches. A dweomer on these otherwise-ordinary wooden matches prevents them from burning. You no longer have to worry about your matches getting destroyed in a fire.
–Collect the whole set and build a dragon-resistant hut (or at least a shield).
_potion of air breathing_.
–Potentially handy if you need to transport a sea creature overland. There are plenty of water-breathing sentients who could use it.
_wand of air detection_: Very useful when you’ve imbibed a _potion of air breathing_.
–Depending on what blocks it, this could be used to determine which wall to throw that Passwall or Stone Shape on to make a precipitous exit.
_scarab of combination fire resistance_: When exposed to fire, electricity, poison gas, acid, and vacuum all at the same time, this broach will make you immune to the fire part.
–While not spectacularly helpful, this would reduce damage taken while otherwise unprotected in the plane of Limbo. This would be best in a Planescape setting; combined with some planars innate immunities and spells, it could make them completely immune to the effects of the plane.
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### Author:  [@FyreFiend](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/FyreFiend)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 5:47am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/13 "2003-04-08T05:47:47Z")
> [@](#):
>
> \*Originally posted by 2trew \*
> \*\*
> \
> Is anybody else having that thing where you look at the “useless” items and start finding situations they’d actually be quite handy in?
> \
> \*\*
Yup. I’ve been a DM for too long 😃
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### Author:  [@Miller](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Miller)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 6:28am UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/14 "2003-04-08T06:28:12Z")
> [@](#):
>
> plate mail of etherealness: When the wearer utters a command word, this suit of plate mail becomes completely intangible. The wearer remains solid, though.
That’d actually be pretty convenient. Taking off plate armor is a pain in the ass. Plate Mail of etherealness can be taken off in a flash. Could save your life if you fall off a boat.
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### Author:  [@Spudo](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Spudo)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 12:03pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/15 "2003-04-08T12:03:12Z")
Well, there’s the Head of Vecna…
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### Author:  [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 12:15pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/16 "2003-04-08T12:15:43Z")
This one isn’t mine, but is my favorite original AD&D cartoon:
\
It’s either a wand for Bigby’s Hand spells or a +3 backscratcher…
More useless items:
_Staff of seven parts_: A wooden quarterstaff that breaks down into seven pieces which can never be put back together. Nope, no magic powers either.
_Orb of Doggy control_: Limited to command words “sit”, “stay”, “shake”, and “play dead”. Doggy can make a will save to disobey command.
_Dagger of Virus Slaying_: Will immediately destroy any single target virus when a successful attack is made. Of course, the virus’s AC bonus due to size difference is pretty formidable…
_Glasses of reading_: Allows the wearer to read any language they are literate in (useful for older characters, though…)
_Shirt of Trap/Ambush detection_: The wearer doesn’t so much detect the trap/ambush, as trigger it with him/her as the target. It’s red, of course.
Oh, and another fun one I remembered: The [_Head of Vecna_](http://www.hut.fi/~vesanto/link.fun/stupid.pcs.html)
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### Author:  [@sciguy](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/sciguy)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 12:19pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/17 "2003-04-08T12:19:03Z")
You know, I really thought the board re-loaded the message list when you previewed…
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### Author:  [@Bosda\_Di\_Chi\_of\_Tricor](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Bosda_Di_Chi_of_Tricor)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 12:26pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/18 "2003-04-08T12:26:44Z")
Once, I had my players find 1,000,000 GP worth of silver.
Cast into a single cube.
10 levels underground.
😃
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### Author:  [@Otto](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/Otto)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 3:13pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/19 "2003-04-08T15:13:51Z")
Socks of Infinite Dampness
Underwear of Binding
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### Author:  [@dorkusmalorkusmafia](https://boards.straightdope.com/u/dorkusmalorkusmafia)
#### Post date: [April 8, 2003, 3:31pm UTC](https://boards.straightdope.com/t/useless-magic-items/167225/20 "2003-04-08T15:31:41Z")
**The Laundry Machine** , this handy dandy portable device teleports left socks to unknown dimensions when put inside. It also generally cleans clothes when put inside and soap is added. The Laundry Machine will cease functioning if clothes aren’t distributed in an even manner around the inside.
In my playing days, I was often partial to the ring of contrariness. No you weren’t.
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